Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish
That is your right, of course. To me, it sounds like you are closing off a part of yourself so that you will never fully love someone again or allow anyone to love you in return. You seem too young to live the rest of your life without love, but maybe you don't care and you won't ever care.
The fact that you were so deeply hurt, and have gone to such great lengths to protect your heart, suggests to me that underneath the hard shell, you are a sensitive and passionate individual. It's too bad that no one will ever get close enough to experience that side of you again.
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That sounds wonderfully cliche. Gathers everything up into a neat little box and wraps it in a nice red bow. Also, since it's cliche, it makes it real easy to completely disregard the situation in question (my past). Heck, *I* would disregard it, and it's my life we're talking about! Ha!
Reality is, you missed the mark. Though I understand why you would think the way you do, since cliches exist for a reason, and my situation is...unique might be the word.
As I've said before, after my now-ex, I had a FB, and then I met my last gf. And I would have done the marriage thing again, with her, but with a prenup this time around (I told her as much, even though she had said she didn't care about getting married, she just wanted to be with me. This was before I realized that if you're going to get a prenup, you should make sure to have it printed on soft toilet paper so it's at least good for SOMETHING when the judge voids it). Once she left, I decided to get back into the dating game.
That was when I found explanations for things (behaviors, attitudes, etc) I'd seen all my life but either rationalized away or just outright ignored. I also found things like divorce statistics, vagimony stats, explanations of how the laws actually work (I've said I got thru my divorce rather unscathed, only I didn't realize that at the time), the psychological and anthropological roots of the behaviors, you name it. A veritable treasure trove of information.
Romantic love doesn't exist. It's a creation of poets and playwrights from the Renaissance era, designed to sell books of poems and tickets to plays. It was later taken over by Disney, Hallmark, Hollywood, and the recording industry, for basically the same purpose: to sell stuff. Realizing this, among other things, was very liberating. It made it easier to walk away from the lies I'd been sold my whole life.
I wish I was still as young as you think, but the fact of the matter is, I threw away my life believing lies, and now I'm 36 and until a year ago I was in worse shape in pretty much every measurable way than I was when I was 19. I wasted 10 years with my ex. Basically all of my 20's (from 22 on). What are my options now even if I DID want to date and possibly marry again? For the most part, women that are over 30. Eww, no. They almost always come with kids (I won't be a step parent again), and my philosophy is real simple: If I didn't get to enjoy her youth and beauty, she doesn't get to enjoy my status and financial security. 24 and under is all I'd be interested in for more than some physical fun, but even then, they require work. And good luck finding one who hasn't been with at least a platoon worth of men. If you're looking for anything more than some fun, the past matters. There are scientific reasons why, but you can Google them yourself if you're really interested.
It wasn't hurt that led me to where I am now. It was the only logical choice. I understand and accept that since I am neither a scumbag POS thug lowlife, nor in the top 2% of men, the only thing I will ever be wanted for is my wallet. Meanwhile, she'll be off having 'fun' with the 2%-er or thug. I'm far from the stereotypical "nice guy" (I'm not nice, and I actually look like the thug lowlife, while having a good job. I have the tats, just not the arrest record or drug habit), but I'm not a member of the desired groups. I'll be expected to pay for this and that, and MAYBE get a peck on the cheek at the end of the night. As soon as I leave, she'll be hopping in bed with the local drug dealer or some d@#$weed jock or something. It sucks, but that's the way it is. I refuse to play that game again. I didn't know all that before, but I do now. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
I'm about one of the most INsensitive people you could ever meet. I could probably work on faking sensitivity, but that would require
work, and since there's no payout, I won't do it. I learned a long time ago that sensitive is another word for "weak", and I found that part of myself and eradicated it. He deserved to die anyway.
I wouldn't say that no one will ever get to experience that ^^ side of me again, however. I'm pretty good at faking caring and doing things that make women think there's something more there than there is. And at some point, I may just decide to put those skills to their natural, evil use.
That's in the future, though, IF it ever happens. Every time I think about having some evil fun, I realize how much work it would be, and instead I go fishing, watch a movie, shoot pool, or hang out with a friend or my brother.
I do appreciate that you didn't just mindlessly go on the attack and launch a shaming language offensive.
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hehe
*dead*
