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It will all reach a point where the rose tints go clear and she will want more than a fling with him and choices have to be made. Which will go one of two ways obviously
It will really hit her if she eventually DOES end up with him and starts thinking "what's stopping him from cheating on me?"
That's when she will start actually thinking this whole situation through realistically and nothing can be done to quench those thoughts and insecurities
I know. I've heard the chances are small for married men to leave their families for the mistress though. This creep has the best of two worlds.
But yeah, who would actually want a man like that? My friend has, in the past, agreed that if you can't trust your partner then it's all pointless. Guess she changed her mind about that too. Not that he's really her partner. More like a f*ck buddy, but she's in love nonetheless.
So true! And that's the excuse she's been giving . "I'm not the one cheating".
Her answer to anything else is basically "He loves me, and is the greatest thing that happened to me".
So her future is all rosy as far as she knows. Beyond frustrating!
The statistics for relationships that begin as affairs turning into a marriage is something like 5%. Your friend probably wants to believe she has this storybook ending coming her way because the alternative is too painful.
I would adopt a stance of being unwilling to outwardly support damaging behavior. Just like if she were an alcoholic you wouldn't drive her to the bar, I would not continue having friendly discussion about this affair as if it was a healthy or remotely acceptable thing to do. I would tell her flat out that you love her and want to continue being her friend but that it is too painful for you to listen to the details of her affair both because of how this man is using her for sex when he has no intent of leaving his wife, and because you consider it immoral to step into someone else's marriage no matter who is the one technically "cheating."
The wife may know and not care ir have 16 lovers herself for all we know.
I didn't start this thread to judge her! I wanted advice on how to talk to her to make her see she's being played and tricked that this ******* of a man gives a crap about her.
I know she's gonna end up hurt, and I don't wish that for my friend. Hence me asking fo advice, if anyone else has been in my situation...
Sure, her decision bother me, she used to be like me when it comes to not wanting to participate in the downfall of someone's marriage.
Yeah, the wife may not care...OR she might. His KIDS would care that their dad betrays their mom, and lies to them on a regular basis.
I don't buy the excuse that it's OK because it "happens every day". If no women were willing to "steal" other women's husbands then there would be no cheating husbands. Fact!
I still love my friend, because I want to think that she's a better person than this. I want to think she's too in love to be her true self. I know I might be as deluded as she is, wanting to think she's the friend I "fell" for.
If she is truly changed, I am forced to think about if I actually can ever trust her. Ask myself if she won't go after my boyfriend, or anything else she may want.
The statistics for relationships that begin as affairs turning into a marriage is something like 5%. Your friend probably wants to believe she has this storybook ending coming her way because the alternative is too painful.
I would adopt a stance of being unwilling to outwardly support damaging behavior. Just like if she were an alcoholic you wouldn't drive her to the bar, I would not continue having friendly discussion about this affair as if it was a healthy or remotely acceptable thing to do. I would tell her flat out that you love her and want to continue being her friend but that it is too painful for you to listen to the details of her affair both because of how this man is using her for sex when he has no intent of leaving his wife, and because you consider it immoral to step into someone else's marriage no matter who is the one technically "cheating."
That is what I will do. I have truly started to look at her as addicted to a drug, because of her drastic change after meeting him.
Why is it such a big deal that he's married? Lol people put marriage on this massive pedastal for some reason
I've known people who have told me flat out
"Id sleep with someone's BF/GF, but never a husband/wife"
lol what? Because there's a piece of paper that makes it so much different?
I wonder if that whole ceremony in front of god stating to be together for each other forsake all others makes it different. I mean otherwise why get married. If you're wedding vows don't have any meaning to either you or your SO then you're just getting married to use each other's insurance and some tax purposes. You don't have a marriage. You have a business arrangement. I guess if you just don't care you're right marriage is a piece of paper.
I wonder if that whole ceremony in front of god stating to be together for each other forsake all others makes it different. I mean otherwise why get married. If you're wedding vows don't have any meaning to either you or your SO then you're just getting married to use each other's insurance and some tax purposes. You don't have a marriage. You have a business arrangement. I guess if you just don't care you're right marriage is a piece of paper.
For me personally, I would never sleep with someone's boyfriend/girlfriend either.
Because I would never knowingly make myself someone's second choice.
My friend seems to use the fact that the man has been married for 20 years as an excuse.
Because people grow apart, and the dynamics in any couple changes over time. We all know that!
But if your marriage turns into a business agreement, then I trust the couple to acknowledge that amongst themselves.
Your spouse deserves to be treated with respect. They have built her/his life with you, and in the case of my friend's f-buddy's wife, has given birth to several of his children.
How can it ever be right to betray your family for some sex on the side? How about a trial separation without a divorce then?
Isn't that more humane than to sneak and betray?
I am of the opinion that there is never a reason to cheat. If you prefer someone else than your partner- tell them! They might not want to hear it, but they have the right to know.
The wife may know and not care ir have 16 lovers herself for all we know.
If someone says they are sleeping with a married man, but he's in an open marriage and the wife knows... Fine.
If someone says, I'm sleeping with a married man, he told the wife he wanted to peruse me and she doesn't care because the marriage is loveless anyway.... Fine.
If someone says, I'm sleeping with a married man, we're keeping it a secret so his wife doesn't find out, he has kids and he lies to everyone so he can sneak and come see me, he doesn't want to get a divorce because of XYZ so don't tell anyone... Pause.
The sex with a married guy is not the core issue. The lying about it and hurting other people, even children, to get your rush, that's the issue.
Last edited by Tinawina; 02-08-2014 at 09:52 AM..
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