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Mistress... a person that provides you with things you don't get at home (usually for a price). Is that price worth it?
On the other hand, if you can get your wife to agree that a mistress is a good solution for your situation. Go for it!
Actually I think a real girlfriend would be far more comforting and helpful to the OP than a mistress. A girlfriend is not the answer either, but a mistress DEFINITELY isn't going to do a damn thing to better this situation, for sure.
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Originally Posted by tao
You're 48 and this girl you want to ask out is in her mid 20's? What...are you having a midlife crisis? Cheating is for cowards. If things are that bad either insist on counseling and try to get your marriage back together or get a divorce. If your wife says no to counseling say "it's either that or divorce." If your wife is that messed up why do you think you'd "get no justice from the courts in a divorce?"
A divorce might be a "major pain" but it's better to do that and then seek out someone new than take the coward's way and cheat. Is this the kind of person you are? How could you live with yourself if you have no honor? By cheating, you would be disrespecting your wife, the sacred contract of marriage, your daughter, and this new girl (who certainly doesn't deserve to get involved with a middle-aged cheater who's too much of a lazy coward to do the right thing). It appears that you have no respect for women. Your wife isn't the only one with issues, obviously.
Yes, I sound harsh but I have no respect for a person who cheats, especially if it's because he's trying to take the "easy road."
You are really kicking things up a notch with this name calling. Coward this and coward that. I can't imagine that getting in someones face and yelling coward is actually going to do something for them, nor allow them to hear any point that you may have buried beneath the insults. Just a suggestion.... how about putting your righteous rant in your profile so people can see it their, instead of inserting it in threads. << HUGS >>
If your wife is taking pills and drinking like a fish...I'm sure you could be getting sex with very little effort on your part. She may be totally unconscious...but hey...at least your not having to listen to her ranting about having to put out!
My opinion is you're just looking for an excuse to justify your cheating and/or desire to cheat. If you really gave 2cents about your family, you would have given her a choice (either seek therapy and/or divorce).
My opinion is you're just looking for an excuse to justify your cheating and/or desire to cheat. If you really gave 2cents about your family, you would have given her a choice (either seek therapy and/or divorce).
Is it remotely possible that a man in this situation can look for the affection that he's not getting at home elsewhere while harboring a strong desire to not break up his family???
Why can't some of you see the OP as a conflicted individual with two priorities instead of just looking at it as a man who wants to get laid and shirk responsibility at home???
I can see the thought process here and it isn't born out of evil and a disrespect for women, but a person that wishes to still lead a happy life while not destroying his family structure at home.
Is it right to actually do what he's contemplating??? Perhaps not and we can argue that, but to berrate his intentions is not helping and shows a lack of analysis of the situation IMO..
Edit: If this were a woman who had an abusive relationship at home and was shacking up with another man to get the "affection she deserved" (in quotes because I'm SURE that's how it would be looked at by most of you here) we would be making suggestions on how to get out of the marriage and such, but I'd bet we'd be MUCH more supportive of the reasons she wanted to be with another...... So let's try to be fair here.
All people deserve affection however I do hope that we all have more control over our bodies then the perverbial alley cat.
Imagine you were in this persons position, your spouse was horribly ill and you did all you could to get your spouse treatment to hold your family together while simultaneously carrying on an affair, breaking your vows with another person. Imagine the betrayal your spouse would feel. I don't believe for a moment that the two things can exist.
Its more likely that the person who started this thread just wanted someone to give him permission to have an affair. He knows its wrong but is selfish enough to want it anyway. You either work on a marriage or you don't. You don't get to ride the fence.
Imagine you were in this persons position, your spouse was horribly ill and you did all you could to get your spouse treatment to hold your family together while simultaneously carrying on an affair, breaking your vows with another person. Imagine the betrayal your spouse would feel. I don't believe for a moment that the two things can exist.
Let's start with "horribly ill". To me that is not the issue here. Substance abuse is as much about personal weakness as it is about "disease" and I'll re-iterate that if the couple hasn't discussed the problem then this is obviously the first step....
Betrayal is in the eyes of the betrayor I guess.... Again since it's a man we don't acknowledge the emotional neglect that is more than likely occurring here. We'd be MUCH more understanding if it were a woman I bet.
And also if we were referring to a woman we'd understand that "affection" does not just refer to sex, but since we're talking about a man we, of course, assume that affection here is only about sex and nothing else. You think that's fair??
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Originally Posted by Lindsay_McFerren
Its more likely that the person who started this thread just wanted someone to give him permission to have an affair.
Not permission per se. I'd say he's confused on what to do here. Wouldn't you be???
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsay_McFerren
He knows its wrong but is selfish enough to want it anyway. You either work on a marriage or you don't. You don't get to ride the fence.
When there's children involved there will ALWAYS be temptation to ride the fence in a situation like this.... You can't grasp that the OP is assessing the situation as one where he is not getting anything fulfilling from his marriage, yet he doesn't want to divorce because of how difficult it may be for his children???
I don't think it's too big of a stretch to see the conflict here.
VAFury, I see your point. I honestly do. But this is not a situation where the "wife isn't putting out". I know there are many marriages out there where the wife stops having sex with the husband or they only have sex every six months or so. The OP stated that his wife still cooks dinner and they still sleep together.
He also makes it sound like she's been doing drugs or alcohol for eight years and refuses to seek help. This is not a good situation to have an eight year old see on a daily basis. That is a long time to go in a marriage when a partner will not seek help for their addiction. How long should someone put up with that?
Yeah, so divorce is tough ~ so what ~ isn't his daughter's well being more important here? I would be putting my child first in this situation and getting her into a stable environment, not going out looking for a 25 year old to bang.
Regardless of the OP's motivation, dating a 25-year-old on the side is not going to make the situation better for anyone. He will still have a substance-abusing wife and a child who isn't getting the quality of parenting she deserves. On top of that he will be sneaking around and having to cover his tracks with a girlfriend who may, but most likely will not, live up to his expectations.
Possible consequences for him include contracting an STD and giving it to his wife, being blackmailed, and dealing with a girlfriend who wants more from the relationship. When his wife finds out he'll be facing a messy, expensive divorce and losing custody of his daughter. He needs to make some decisions about what he's going to do at home rather than start "dating" another woman.
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