What's the difference between legitimate red flags and just "cold feet"? (girlfriend, marriage)
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It's more like calling in because of lack of sleep, or oversleeping, or just feeling extremely bad from "that time of the month" (the nature of her particular job permitted this).
I had a friend who had to miss a day every month due to extreme pain. It happens. I can't judge on that. But not managing one's sleep hours is just plain lack of discipline. Not a good sign. It also might indicate she doesn't take her job all that seriously. Possible lack-of-maturity flag.
- issues with family - yes, you're marrying them, not their parents, but to some extent this does matter
Depends on the issues.
- bad habits like calling in sick for work excessively
As long as this kind of thing doesn't affect their job, who cares? Some people have sick time and vacation time.
-not taking care of oneself, etc.
Not sure what you mean by this. Like getting fat? Or like not getting your roots done and letting your hair look like a nest?
Showering infrequently, being overweight and resolving to eat better/exercise more but being mostly unmotivated to do so, wearing T-shirts and sweats/PJs in public - and yes, letting hair look like a nest.
Showering infrequently, being overweight and resolving to eat better/exercise more but being mostly unmotivated to do so, wearing T-shirts and sweats/PJs in public - and yes, letting hair look like a nest.
I think legitimate red flags are internal and intrinsic to the relationship.
Stuff that you can fix, like eating/smoking habits (hopefully), you can work on, behaviors that can improve on the overall health of the individual and for the couple.
But, if there are some serious internal issues (including family- family of origin issues- people carrying baggage from their primary relationships onto the immediate couple's relationship), these issues are more poignant, and yes- commitment does take some serious consideration.
Showering infrequently, being overweight and resolving to eat better/exercise more but being mostly unmotivated to do so, wearing T-shirts and sweats/PJs in public - and yes, letting hair look like a nest.
What? So tell us, why were you considering a lifelong commitment to this person? I see signs of serious self-esteem issues.
I would add, being super attentive at first, says you are perfect and he can't believe he was lucky enough to find you, can't be around you often enough, can't get enough of physical intimacy, tells you how much you mean to him and talks about the future like he's serious--then, when you are fully committed and feel like the relationship is solid, he backs away, stops calling as frequently, acts like you are being clingy when you seek the same level of intimacy you had before, etc.
This is a sign of what is sometimes called a "dance-away lover," and it can make you feel like you are the crazy one. This type of person always needs a specific amount of distance and is uncomfortable with being either too close or too far away from you, so if you decide you are through with his nonsense and you back away, he will come in nearer and start courting you all over again, telling you how wonderful you are etc. And then when you decide it is safe to re-engage, that he only had "cold feet" for a little while and everything is great now, he backs away again. Lather, rinse repeat--there is no limit to how many times he will do this to you, if you let him.
You can even see it in his positioning if the two of you sleep in the same bed. When he is in his "I must have you and only you, now and forever," phase, he will crowd you in the bed and want to spoon all night. When he is in his "Gimme some air or I'm gonna die," phase, he will be practically hanging off the other side of the bed.
If you are aware that it is happening, being with someone like this is a dance with such predictable steps, the whole thing would be amusing if it weren't ultimately so damaging to the self-esteem of the other person--and if it didn't take so much time away that could have been spent nurturing a relationship with someone who is emotionally healthy and could actually be a good partner.
Once this tendency is identified, this type of person is to be avoided at all costs. I have seen women in this situation with the same guy for years, and they believe that he is going to fully commit to them someday. It never happens and they end up a lot older and often, sadly, having missed out on marriage, children, and a mutually satisfying love relationship.
Oh yes, I've had a few of these. They want you, they don't want you, they want you...it sucks. Usually when you finally decide you've had enough they'll go oh crap and out again comes the charm to suck you back in.
Some red flags for me are people who can't finish what they start or stick with one thing for any length of time. For example, I had a friend who attempted college about 8 different times at 4 different schools, was always starting a new job somewhere, etc. Fine for a friend, but not someone I want to be in a relationship with. Someone who is bad at managing their money. I'm not perfect, but my bills are always paid. Someone who has trouble getting along with their family. Maybe the family is crazy, but even if the guy is 100% sane you'll always be dealing with their family in some capacity. Otherwise I think it can be just a lot of little things. My ex husband never concerned himself with my whereabouts. I used to drive 35 minutes back and forth between our towns and sometimes late at night and always by myself. He never made sure I made it home safely and half the time he never answered his phone when I tried to get in touch with him. Sometimes the small things really do show you how much someone cares.
What? So tell us, why were you considering a lifelong commitment to this person? I see signs of serious self-esteem issues.
Still a newbie in the dating/serious relationship department and don't have a good sense of the difference between quirks that can be worked around and things that should be outright dealbreakers (aside from the obvious, like abuse or suicidal tendencies)
Still a newbie in the dating/serious relationship department and don't have a good sense of the difference between quirks that can be worked around and things that should be outright dealbreakers (aside from the obvious, like abuse or suicidal tendencies)
Dude, there's no need to rush into anything. How long have you been with this chick? Are you really thinking about popping the question, or was your OP more of a general question for evaluating where you're at? This woman may not be for you. She sounds a little flakey. Maybe a lot flakey. There are women out there who are mellow, and maintain good hygene and comb their hair, and have a regular sleep schedule, and are able to keep regular work hours without calling in just because they overslept. Your gf's issues aren't normal. Is this your first gf?
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