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In a relationship that has the potential to become a permanent lifelong commitment, what are some warning signs that something is off and your partner isn't right for you? And how do you distinguish between simple annoyances that can be lived with, normal pre-commitment jitters, and true red flags? Some examples of possible bad signs I've seen in both my relationships and those of people I know:
- issues with family - yes, you're marrying them, not their parents, but to some extent this does matter
- bad habits like calling in sick for work excessively, not taking care of oneself, etc.
- history of mental illness/depression
- you still have the desire to be single and date around instead of being with one person for life
- too much or too little in common interest-wise
- clashing religious/political beliefs
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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All can either be cold feet, or a red flag, depending on the people involved and the severity of the issue. There is no one answer to this.
If it is an excuse you're using, vs a legitimate concern, that tells the difference. Only you can really know and this why people should be healthy and self aware before committing to others.
I would add, being super attentive at first, says you are perfect and he can't believe he was lucky enough to find you, can't be around you often enough, can't get enough of physical intimacy, tells you how much you mean to him and talks about the future like he's serious--then, when you are fully committed and feel like the relationship is solid, he backs away, stops calling as frequently, acts like you are being clingy when you seek the same level of intimacy you had before, etc.
This is a sign of what is sometimes called a "dance-away lover," and it can make you feel like you are the crazy one. This type of person always needs a specific amount of distance and is uncomfortable with being either too close or too far away from you, so if you decide you are through with his nonsense and you back away, he will come in nearer and start courting you all over again, telling you how wonderful you are etc. And then when you decide it is safe to re-engage, that he only had "cold feet" for a little while and everything is great now, he backs away again. Lather, rinse repeat--there is no limit to how many times he will do this to you, if you let him.
You can even see it in his positioning if the two of you sleep in the same bed. When he is in his "I must have you and only you, now and forever," phase, he will crowd you in the bed and want to spoon all night. When he is in his "Gimme some air or I'm gonna die," phase, he will be practically hanging off the other side of the bed.
If you are aware that it is happening, being with someone like this is a dance with such predictable steps, the whole thing would be amusing if it weren't ultimately so damaging to the self-esteem of the other person--and if it didn't take so much time away that could have been spent nurturing a relationship with someone who is emotionally healthy and could actually be a good partner.
Once this tendency is identified, this type of person is to be avoided at all costs. I have seen women in this situation with the same guy for years, and they believe that he is going to fully commit to them someday. It never happens and they end up a lot older and often, sadly, having missed out on marriage, children, and a mutually satisfying love relationship.
I would add, being super attentive at first, says you are perfect and he can't believe he was lucky enough to find you, can't be around you often enough, can't get enough of physical intimacy, tells you how much you mean to him and talks about the future like he's serious--then, when you are fully committed and feel like the relationship is solid, he backs away, stops calling as frequently, acts like you are being clingy when you seek the same level of intimacy you had before, etc.
This is a sign of what is sometimes called a "dance-away lover," and it can make you feel like you are the crazy one. This type of person always needs a specific amount of distance and is uncomfortable with being either too close or too far away from you, so if you decide you are through with his nonsense and you back away, he will come in nearer and start courting you all over again, telling you how wonderful you are etc. And then when you decide it is safe to re-engage, that he only had "cold feet" for a little while and everything is great now, he backs away again. Lather, rinse repeat--there is no limit to how many times he will do this to you, if you let him.
You can even see it in his positioning if the two of you sleep in the same bed. When he is in his "I must have you and only you, now and forever," phase, he will crowd you in the bed and want to spoon all night. When he is in his "Gimme some air or I'm gonna die," phase, he will be practically hanging off the other side of the bed.
If you are aware that it is happening, being with someone like this is a dance with such predictable steps, the whole thing would be amusing if it weren't ultimately so damaging to the self-esteem of the other person--and if it didn't take so much time away that could have been spent nurturing a relationship with someone who is emotionally healthy and could actually be a good partner.
Once this tendency is identified, this type of person is to be avoided at all costs. I have seen women in this situation with the same guy for years, and they believe that he is going to fully commit to them someday. It never happens and they end up a lot older and often, sadly, having missed out on marriage, children, and a mutually satisfying love relationship.
I've found that I think comments such as "I can't imagine life without you", "I've never loved anyone like this", etc. are best taken with a grain of salt. Would you agree?
You can even see it in his positioning if the two of you sleep in the same bed. When he is in his "I must have you and only you, now and forever," phase, he will crowd you in the bed and want to spoon all night. When he is in his "Gimme some air or I'm gonna die," phase, he will be practically hanging off the other side of the bed.
I call BS on this. Spooning can get very uncomfortable physically for a guy. I almost always rolled over after a while. It had nothing to do with "dancing away."
In a relationship that has the potential to become a permanent lifelong commitment, what are some warning signs that something is off and your partner isn't right for you? And how do you distinguish between simple annoyances that can be lived with, normal pre-commitment jitters, and true red flags? Some examples of possible bad signs I've seen in both my relationships and those of people I know:
- issues with family - yes, you're marrying them, not their parents, but to some extent this does matter
- bad habits like calling in sick for work excessively, not taking care of oneself, etc.
- history of mental illness/depression
- you still have the desire to be single and date around instead of being with one person for life
- too much or too little in common interest-wise
- clashing religious/political beliefs
For me also it's:
-Communication style
-Whether or not the person is honest with themselves (all quality relationships start from within)
-How they handle their money
-Integrity is most important
-The amount of time we spend laughing together; laughter = compatibility
-Empathy
-Lifestyle
-Whether or not we share similar long-term goals/values/spiritual beliefs (including agnosticism)
-Relationship resilience, which again, goes back to communication style and the ability to bounce back from life's setbacks, together, and individually apart
-General overall happiness and well-being, as a couple
In a relationship that has the potential to become a permanent lifelong commitment, what are some warning signs that something is off and your partner isn't right for you? And how do you distinguish between simple annoyances that can be lived with, normal pre-commitment jitters, and true red flags? Some examples of possible bad signs I've seen in both my relationships and those of people I know:
- issues with family - yes, you're marrying them, not their parents, but to some extent this does matter
- bad habits like calling in sick for work excessively, not taking care of oneself, etc.
- history of mental illness/depression
- you still have the desire to be single and date around instead of being with one person for life
- too much or too little in common interest-wise
- clashing religious/political beliefs
What is the bolded about? Do they call in sick excessively because they're prone to colds or back pain, or something, or are you saying they use their sick leave for free vacation time?
Are they on medication for the mental illness/depression, and are they doing well on it?
If you're not in love enough to swim through shark-infested waters to deliver the engagement ring, you're just not that into him/her, and shouldn't be considering a lifelong commitment.
Really, most of the profile sounds like it's not a match. What's on the positive side of the tally sheet?
For me also it's:
-Communication style
-Whether or not the person is honest with themselves (all quality relationships start from within)
-How they handle their money
-Integrity is most important
-The amount of time we spend laughing together; laughter = compatibility
-Empathy
-Lifestyle
-Whether or not we share similar goals
-Relationship resilience, which again, goes back to communication style and the ability to bounce back from life's setbacks, together, and individually apart
Such a great post! OP, are you two on the same page re: financial goals and spending habits? Are you both good communicators? Drama free? Is there total trust and honesty? How does the relationship stack up against this list?
What is the bolded about? Do they call in sick excessively because they're prone to colds or back pain, or something, or are you saying they use their sick leave for free vacation time?
Are they on medication for the mental illness/depression, and are they doing well on it?
If you're not in love enough to swim through shark-infested waters to deliver the engagement ring, you're just not that into him/her, and shouldn't be considering a lifelong commitment.
Really, most of the profile sounds like it's not a match. What's on the positive side of the tally sheet?
It's more like calling in because of lack of sleep, or oversleeping, or just feeling extremely bad from "that time of the month" (the nature of her particular job permitted this).
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