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I started a thread about a week and a half ago looking for relationship advice; I've been dating a guy since August whom I've felt lukewarm about. He's done nothing wrong, but I'm certain that the relationship has no future potential. Though some replies were more useful than others, I'd like to thank everyone who gave me feedback. I appreciate all the thought that you've given to me and my love life.
I'd like to reach out one more time, I've decided that it needs to end. But, as a typical passive aggressive Midwesterner (Chicago and Minneapolis are home), I avoid confrontation at all costs, and I'm terrified of having to have "the talk."
I've decided to say exactly what I wrote above, and exactly what I wrote in my first post: "you've done nothing wrong, but I'm afraid this relationship does not have much long term potential."
I'd like to hear from other passive or passive aggressive people about what they did in similar situations. How to I support myself, and gain the courage to start the conversation? Also, I'd like to know where I should have the conversation? Ideally, I'd want to do it at his place, and then I could pick up my things and then leave, but his roommate is always home. Would a coffee shop be better? Should I just wait until the next time we're there without the roommate--that could take at least a week?
Thanks for your help.
Summon courage.
Do it quickly and in person. Letters are for cowards.
It is far kinder that way and, ultimately, far better for you.
He'll be blindsided. He's totally head-over-heels with this relationship. Should I drop hints?
Ok, now let's back up and hold up for a minute. Don't drop hints because you will only delay the stress.
We have to take all things into consideration and have a plan of attack. This "just do it" mentality is not for passive aggressive types and is not what you are about. If you do as such, it may not go as planned as and you will not be prepared to respond to what follows.
Now, here is my advice. No need to write it down but just keep it in mind- (Just to lighten the mood)
I know what you are feeling. You want all this to go away ASAP. You had feelings of staying or going, staying or going and then some. In reality, you would have been gone long time ago if it wasn't for your inability to speak up and have this “talk”. But you are a nice person and want to do the right thing. This is all natural so let's get the facts:
You may not want to do this in person all the way. If you respect him as a person and want to do the right thing, (you are not obligated) tell him over the phone and GIVE HIM THE OPTION IF HE WANTS TO TALK IT OVER IN PERSON. But I suggest no matter what, you propose to meet in person after you tell him over the phone. That way you don't come off as a mean and inconsiderate. But at least it will give him time to calm down or, reengage with more questions. But at least you will be ready for it.
What you will encounter in person if you do that the first go is a bunch of questions like why, why, why, and he may have you starting to doubt yourself and feeling bad and may give in to his quest to "change". He will say anything and everything just to keep you around or from him being dumped- it may not be that he wants to stay but just not be the one who is dumped. You being passive aggressive will play a role in you possibly giving in to this manipulation- if there is any.
Why I say to do it over the phone is because if it escalates too much too quickly, you have an escape route and can always hang up but call him back after you have gained composure.
Summon courage.
Do it quickly and in person. Letters are for cowards.
It is far kinder that way and, ultimately, far better for you.
While I understand where you are coming from, she can't automatically change her personality. She is the PA type and that won't change overnight. Furthermore, she may not be able to handle his responses especially this coming out of nowhere. It is about assessing and anticipating both hers and his reaction.
He'll be blindsided. He's totally head-over-heels with this relationship. Should I drop hints?
No!
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech
No! Stop it. Just do it. Today. Get it over with.
Yep!!
You have no control over his reaction or whether you'll be friends.
You have to stop worrying SO much about doing this nicely and understand that you are getting to a place where it is insulting to him to have you drag this out. Would you want to be with a guy who is agonizing over telling you that he doesn't want to be with you?? Wouldn't you rather he show some respect for you and tell you straight out?
As I said in the last thread, bad news does not get better over time.
While I understand where you are coming from, she can't automatically change her personality. She is the PA type and that won't change overnight. Furthermore, she may not be able to handle his responses especially this coming out of nowhere. It is about assessing and anticipating both hers and his reaction.
Sorry. Don't buy it.
Here's the thing. The "I'm passive so the rules are different for me" just doesn't cut it, especially when it comes to matters from the heart. Life is filled with unpleasant duties, and a personality tic doesn't give one an out.
Mind you, the OP is actually being stand-up about matters. She wants to do this in person.
I agree with a lot of what's been posted. Definitely do NOT do it in public. And don't do the "we need to talk" spiel. I've had that done on me several times. That just insulted my intelligence and I lost any respect I might have had for them. I don't think this needs to be this complicated. Just say you've been thinking a lot and I just don't think we should be together anymore because we just aren't compatible. Do it soon too, no need to keep delaying it.
I'm pretty non-confrontational, and have seldom been the one to break things off (not due to my passive approach, but because I most of the time didn't happen to be the one interested in breaking up). The very few times I ended up in something were I wasn't feeling it, I've been direct about telling the guy that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything deeper. It's the straightforward truth. I also did so fairly early on, so that nobody was left wondering why I'd gone out with him so long if I wasn't interested, and I never expected to be friends afterward.
He'll be blindsided. He's totally head-over-heels with this relationship. Should I drop hints?
I'm a totally passive aggressive person too. Esp when it comes to stuff like this. ONe of my serious boyfriends had to break up with himself FOR me. LOL. Not my proudest moment.
If you know you want to end it, Im imagining that you've started to behave differently towards him. Maybe nothing your conscious of. But maybe you're not as affectionate, or as excited about kissing him or not as amorous in general. Have you not gotten less patient or less attentive?
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(Just to lighten the mood)
