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While I think the person can dating can be part of the issue (I've admitted this myself/asked "what am I doing to find these guys?"). I also have to wonder if the venue in which we find people is part of the issue as well. In the past three years, I've dated a lot of men. Most want a serious commitment or marriage (that's my biggest deal breaker) and ALL of the ones I've met though dating "products" want this deal breaker. By dating products I mean online dating, speed dating, singles events, etc.
Of all the men I dated in the past three years, one didn't want marriage and such. He was also the one I dated the longest. We dated for about nine months and it was great. He broke it off with me though because (he said) of distance and his age (he was over 12 years older than me). Honestly, he's fallen for another women closer to him (both in distance and age). We are still great friends though and I still see him and we do things together. We just don't date or sleep together anymore. But key here, he didn't want the deal breaker for me and I didn't meet him though these dating products.
I really think I need to meet more men like I met him, but the problem is, men over 40 are mostly married. So it's hard to find the dingle ones "out in the wild." It's easier to find them though dating products, but the type I am looking for (the type who wants to date, have fun, and not settle down... at least not have an agenda for it) just don't seem to be there or if they are, they are buried.
Yet, who goes to a dating event to remain single? If that's your motive, why even bother? Just like you, you don't want to remain single (within reason), so you go to the events. I can agree with you that some guys can move unbelievably fast, but the shoe fits for women as well. People reach a point in their life where they either decide their life is full and moving towards a full-time relationship is not a priority, or they realize a relationship is what they want and they focus more on it.
I know what my thought process was when I was more serious about hooking up than an actual relationship. I tended to let a lot roll off my shoulders, because my mindset truly was that I could just go back out and find another one. When my mindset changed to a relationship, it was no longer that I could easily go out and find another one. That's the reality. There tends to always be an abundant amount of people that will settle for a hookup, but there's not an abundance of people that actually want a serious relationship.
I'm not saying that the guys should be moving as fast as they do, but at least they are passionate about making an honest woman out of someone they are interested in. For you Jillabean, you just don't pair up well with the men that are available online. Like what was mentioned before, a long-distance relationship or the dreaded mistress role would be perfect for you. You are very independent for the status quo men available to you in your age bracket.
Yes, you perceive your sexual market value higher than it actually is, while ignoring men who would likely be compatible dating prospects. Don't worry, you aren't alone. There are millions and millions of ladies with this exact problem. hope this helps.
OMG, I'm really not talking about "sexual" attractiveness of women or men. I'm talking about way more than that.
The problem is that you guys ultimately have a problem with over 40 women who have the gall to want what I and most women my age consider to be pretty basic stuff. I guess at my age I should be happy with whomever pays me attention, huh?
BTW, do you remind your mother and any other over-40 women you know about their declining sexual value?
And there are many of men who have high standards too, like the unattractive middle aged man with an average career who thinks he can attract a 20 year old because of this warped view that younger women are attracted to him. I used to have a profile on a religious site and the amount of these delusional men never failed to amuse me.
Yes many men have high standards too. And when they continuously complain about lack of dates, they too need to look in the mirror.
Just like when women complain about lack of quality dates after the Nth time, perhaps it is time to look in the mirror and self evaluate?
I think it's interesting reading the responses from women here. I never realized there were so many socially inept men out there, and even in their 40's and 50's. I would think by this age they would have this figured out. That post from Jillabean about the clingy guy was really enlightening. I wonder why this is? Why are so many men wanting to get married again so soon? I just can't identify with this, and I'm guessing it's on reason I got a bunch of messages when I started doing OLD. One of the things I specifically stated was how I'm not looking to get married. Judging from some of the troubled younger men that constantly post on here it seems like there will be another generation of these following.
And there are many of men who have high standards too, like the unattractive middle aged man with an average career who thinks he can attract a 20 year old because of this warped view that younger women are attracted to him. I used to have a profile on a religious site and the amount of these delusional men never failed to amuse me.
I agree. This isn't gender specific, there are plenty of guys who have unrealistic expectations all the same. Man or a woman in that position, sooner or later faces a difficult choice, either lower your expectations or remain single. Most choose former.
Not sure who that is, im fairly new to here, just spreading the knowledge and love to you guys. You are welcome!
It's just that we haven't heard the term "sexual market value" on the forum for quite awhile. I guess it's still out there, but the forum got a nice vacation from it for awhile. We'd kinda gotten away from the idea of men and women as commodities to be marketed.
....I also have to wonder if the venue in which we find people is part of the issue as well. ...
... the problem is, men over 40 are mostly married. So it's hard to find the dingle ones "out in the wild." It's easier to find them though dating products, but the type I am looking for (the type who wants to date, have fun, and not settle down... at least not have an agenda for it) just don't seem to be there or if they are, they are buried.
Humans over 40 (and perhaps under 75) tend to largely be married (or otherwise stably coupled), especially if our census is limited to those whose lives are more or less sorted. Of those who aren't coupled, a large fraction have voluntarily removed themselves from the market, on account of jadedness and ennui, personal maladies or some other cause. Who remains?
I like Jillabean's term, "dating products". It's a clever coverage of online dating as well as its various competing alternatives, thus obviating denigration of online dating per se! It does seem to be reasonable to assert, that persons who use "dating products" have different traits, mindsets and resources than those who aim to make contact "in the wild". If we abjure "dating products" and their close relatives, such as meetup.com groups, suddenly a much higher level of creativity and vigor is required from us, especially for those of us in less populous locales. The upshot is that like Boxer in Animal Farm, we shall have to work harder.
But working harder is, well, hard. Thus we keep reverting to "Dating products".
The other day, a new Lieutenant joined our organization. No, he's a guy. But I still thought: "Great! here's a new fellow with whom to hit the bars, with whom to compare notes, to carouse and to join forces. In other words, a wingman!" But then I saw the ring on his finger.... Yup, our office record stands: zero unmarried people, except for your humble servant, the Peasant.
Yes many men have high standards too. And when they continuously complain about lack of dates, they too need to look in the mirror.
Just like when women complain about lack of quality dates after the Nth time, perhaps it is time to look in the mirror and self evaluate?
Perhaps but it's deeper than that. If a person is seeking someone different than them and complaining it's them. The site I mentioned would have these guys on for years complaining and when people would tell them to lower their standards they got weird. However what if the people seeking that person are different? Offline I attract all kinds but only I seemed to attract much younger or much older, guys wanting sex, weirdos, etc.
Humans over 40 (and perhaps under 75) tend to largely be married (or otherwise stably coupled), especially if our census is limited to those whose lives are more or less sorted. Of those who aren't coupled, a large fraction have voluntarily removed themselves from the market, on account of jadedness and ennui, personal maladies or some other cause. Who remains?
I like Jillabean's term, "dating products". It's a clever coverage of online dating as well as its various competing alternatives, thus obviating denigration of online dating per se! It does seem to be reasonable to assert, that persons who use "dating products" have different traits, mindsets and resources than those who aim to make contact "in the wild". If we abjure "dating products" and their close relatives, such as meetup.com groups, suddenly a much higher level of creativity and vigor is required from us, especially for those of us in less populous locales. The upshot is that like Boxer in Animal Farm, we shall have to work harder.
But working harder is, well, hard. Thus we keep reverting to "Dating products".
The other day, a new Lieutenant joined our organization. No, he's a guy. But I still thought: "Great! here's a new fellow with whom to hit the bars, with whom to compare notes, to carouse and to join forces. In other words, a wingman!" But then I saw the ring on his finger.... Yup, our office record stands: zero unmarried people, except for your humble servant, the Peasant.
Married men actually enjoy hitting the bar with single men as an excuse to go drinking/checking out women.
"sorry honey, I gotta help out my buddy over here"
And they enjoy living vicariously in single men approaching women in the bars.
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