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Jillabean asked: Hey! If it is so easy to get hottie 25 year old, then why are so many men on POF messaging me??
I replied: Perhaps it is because that the guys who can attract hottie 25 year old are out there attracting hottie 25 year old, and the guys who are leftover are on POF messaging people.
Hence people seem to get many "unqualified guys". The "qualified guys" are busy with 25 year olds or in relationships perhaps?
To be fair, I didn't post that because I don't (and never used) PoF. I just said men were interested in me (and yes, some were from Eharmony, but others were also live singles events where you meet people in person). It really doesn't change your argument or counter what you are saying, but let's face it, most people think of PoF as the bottom of the fish barrel when it comes to dating.
I don't think any of us can answer that for you. You get what you can get. Dating is ultimately a free market system. If you aren't getting what you want and you've been diligently trying, then maybe your criteria or standards do need to be re-evaluated.
I haven't been diligently trying. I've been doing the online dating stuff, on and off, for about 8 months. A half-hearted attempt, really, because like most people, I prefer to date the old-fashioned way, but OLD provides the opportunity to initially meet more men that I would otherwise.
Yet, who goes to a dating event to remain single? If that's your motive, why even bother? Just like you, you don't want to remain single (within reason), so you go to the events. I can agree with you that some guys can move unbelievably fast, but the shoe fits for women as well. People reach a point in their life where they either decide their life is full and moving towards a full-time relationship is not a priority, or they realize a relationship is what they want and they focus more on it.
I know what my thought process was when I was more serious about hooking up than an actual relationship. I tended to let a lot roll off my shoulders, because my mindset truly was that I could just go back out and find another one. When my mindset changed to a relationship, it was no longer that I could easily go out and find another one. That's the reality. There tends to always be an abundant amount of people that will settle for a hookup, but there's not an abundance of people that actually want a serious relationship.
I'm not saying that the guys should be moving as fast as they do, but at least they are passionate about making an honest woman out of someone they are interested in. For you Jillabean, you just don't pair up well with the men that are available online. Like what was mentioned before, a long-distance relationship or the dreaded mistress role would be perfect for you. You are very independent for the status quo men available to you in your age bracket.
I mean guys are going to these events wife hunting. Not just girlfriend hunting. At most, I want a boyfriend. That's it. No other agenda. Most of these men are looking for Mrs #2, #3 and even #4.
The bolded is true about me. I've always been very independent (even as a child, I was never clingy to mommy or daddy). I am out of the norm in this regard and I am sure it hurts my chances.
I haven't been diligently trying. I've been doing the online dating stuff, on and off, for about 8 months. A half-hearted attempt, really, because like most people, I prefer to date the old-fashioned way, but OLD provides the opportunity to initially meet more men that I would otherwise.
The only thing I would add to my previous post is that if you don't possess the same qualities as what you're wanting in a mate, I don't think you're doing yourself a service. For example, if you're wanting a fit guy, but you're overweight, that's not very fair and you probably need to re-assess your criteria. If you don't have a college education, but you think your partner should, you probably need to re-assess your criteria. Things like that need to be considered IMO.
I mean guys are going to these events wife hunting. Not just girlfriend hunting. At most, I want a boyfriend. That's it. No other agenda. Most of these men are looking for Mrs #2, #3 and even #4.
The bolded is true about me. I've always been very independent (even as a child, I was never clingy to mommy or daddy). I am out of the norm in this regard and I am sure it hurts my chances.
You just want to date, you don't want a commitment it sounds like. I hope you're making that very clear before you pursue anything with these men. You have to take into consideration that you're dealing with older men who probably don't feel like they have much time to beat around the bush as you seem to be doing. I know as I get older, I don't feel like dealing with the wishy washy dating types either. So obviously they come across pretty serious when it comes to dating/relationships.
If you don't want to attract these kinds of men, then make it very clear to them on your dating profiles or what have you that you're not looking for anything serious.
I think it's interesting reading the responses from women here. I never realized there were so many socially inept men out there, and even in their 40's and 50's. I would think by this age they would have this figured out. That post from Jillabean about the clingy guy was really enlightening. I wonder why this is? Why are so many men wanting to get married again so soon? I just can't identify with this, and I'm guessing it's on reason I got a bunch of messages when I started doing OLD. One of the things I specifically stated was how I'm not looking to get married. Judging from some of the troubled younger men that constantly post on here it seems like there will be another generation of these following.
There are a lot of them, and I wonder if that's why some of them are divorced. But I also think there are a lot of great guys too. But like I mentioned, I noticed (within my old divorce support group) that the ones like me who weren't worried about being in a relationship post divorce, but they were also completely out of the dating pool--didn't do online dating, singles events, anything.
You just want to date, you don't want a commitment it sounds like. I hope you're making that very clear before you pursue anything with these men. You have to take into consideration that you're dealing with older men who probably don't feel like they have much time to beat around the bush as you seem to be doing. I know as I get older, I don't feel like dealing with the wishy washy dating types either. So obviously they come across pretty serious when it comes to dating/relationships.
If you don't want to attract these kinds of men, then make it very clear to them on your dating profiles or what have you that you're not looking for anything serious.
Well, I meet most of them at events... not so much online dating. So I have to bring it up later. But I do have one online account and it clearly says in it that I am not interested in marriage and that right now I am just looking for casual, uncommitted dating (at least to start). After all, I don't want to waste anyone's time (not mine or theirs).
...I'd just like to point out that studies have shown that there are more people who are single at 40+ now than there ever has been in US history. It was big news a few years ago, that there are so many people living solitary lives at all ages. Of those, I think it's only a small percentage that's willfully removed themselves from the dating market. I really don't see the situation as bleak, or anything close to that. Again, my sympathies to people who live in conservative areas where most people marry young and divorces are relatively few, but more broadly speaking, there's good cause for optimism. You can choose not to go through life with a mentality of scarcity.
The fact that most people (in some places) marry young, and remain married, isn't at all bleak or negative. On the contrary, I applaud people who do this, or for that matter, people who don't marry but who remain in committed relationships informally; or people who do divorce, but successfully remarry. It just so happens that sometimes the happiness of the many has as exogenous effect the unhappiness of a few. As a single man (or more properly, divorced man), I just happen to fall under the category of "the few". While this is personally unfortunate, on the whole a more-coupled society is beneficial. While I'd love to have thousands of local women suddenly become available for being dated by me, on the whole this would be a disaster for society.
It is quite true that today there are more singles, and more people living alone, though I do think that if we exclude from this group (a) persons with boyfriends/girlfriends, and (b) elderly widows, the contemporary numbers will fall more in line with historical precedent. But even if the percentage of singles is greater than ever before, that vast collection of singles isn't an army massed on a field arrayed for battle, but individual troops hiding behind blinds and in foxholes. The strength in numbers is entirely vitiated by the weakness of isolation, and breakdown in communication.
Well, I meet most of them at events... not so much online dating. So I have to bring it up later. But I do have one online account and it clearly says in it that I am not interested in marriage and that right now I am just looking for casual, uncommitted dating (at least to start). After all, I don't want to waste anyone's time (not mine or theirs).
For the people you meet at events, do you tell them this on the first date? And if so, do they try to move it into "serious relationship status" despite your wishes?
I don't think any of us can answer that for you. You get what you can get. Dating is ultimately a free market system. If you aren't getting what you want and you've been diligently trying, then maybe your criteria or standards do need to be re-evaluated.
Or simply be more patient. Finding that extraordinary individual, that person with whom you want to spend your life with, and who wants to share their life with you in return, just isn't going to happen every day.
I think a smart strategy is to keep your standards high, don't waste precious time in dead-end relationships, multi-date a lot of people (I personally think it is inefficient to date one person at a time) and if you are lucky you will find someone special to share your life with.
Be smart about it and be willing to wait for the right person.
This is meant for those looking for a life partner, of course, beyond casual dating.
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