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And to those saying just be a stepparent to his children (and he's not just the "man of the moment- like I said, we are planning a future, I have met and took care of his children)- is it so bad to know that I'd be a great full-time mommy to children? It made me feel so much better when he said that he's open to adoption.
I'm on the side of selfish. In my opinion, it is not fair to bring a child into this world at all when they don't have a say. It is the most selfish act anyone can do. It's not like this world is such a great place; it's not. But just because you want to be a mom? Nope. Be a mom to his kids.
While this succinctly captures my position, and a segment of the overall child-free position, the OP evidently feels strong emotional cues for having biological children of her own. As a man who lost his then-wife to the latter's late-30s decision to have a child after all, I can attest that no amount of rationalizing or remonstration can overcome biology.
Still, the OP's situation is only partially biological. The other part is her relationship with her boyfriend. If everyone were equally enthused about having another child, the boyfriend and girlfriend could get married tomorrow, and get pregnant the next day (or the same day, or vice versa,...). So evidently, not everyone is fully in agreement... and that's an issue quite besides the biological considerations.
The OP may wish to re-post in the Healthcare subforum her concerns about cancer and preventative surgery.
Like others have already said, I would get a second opinion about this tube removal before entering full panic mode. Besides, do you really want a man to be the father of your children who already is a father of three? Three children who live in another state? You still have 5 years left (if you really need that operation in the future) to find yourself a good man who wants to have children with you.
I haven't written back in this thread for a while. I had an appointment with a genetic counselor; I haven't had the BRCA test yet, although blood was taken for a baseline, and I'm supposed to hear back about making an appointment to speak with another genetic counselor about the actual BRCA test. The genetic counselor was relieved; like all the other doctors I've been to lately, he asked what I would do if I test positive for BRCA; I said that I would get my woman bits taken out, and adopt if I want children (and it's not a biological need I have for children; I just want to raise children, so adoption would be very welcome by me).
It's been a whirlwind few weeks, so I'm trying to piece together everything that has happened since I last typed in here.
My boyfriend, who I've learned flip-flops, basically doesn't want more kids (as of when we had that last discussion); I told him that I don't date men who don't want kids. He's happy with us the way things are. He does have guilt issues about not living near his kids, and still is unsure if he'll move when his ex moves to a city. He's very torn on that, I think.
We know that we'd be fine if we weren't together; he knows that it's not a guarantee that we'll be together forever (it seems like before, he thought for sure we'd get married, but I even told him that I don't know what's more important to me, staying with him or being a mother.) (We're a very honest couple.)
As far as freezing eggs, I just don't have the money to do that. I don't have the money to adopt or raise children as of now; if I have children in the future, I'm clearly going to need to be part of a dual-income home.
I'm still struggling with everything, but I wanted to update everyone. Thank you so much for all of your advice.
I told him that I don't date men who don't want kids.
Given your precarious health situation where having children is concerned, isn't this a little cockeyed? Why can't you be a "great (second) mom" to his children?
Given your precarious health situation where having children is concerned, isn't this a little cockeyed? Why can't you be a "great (second) mom" to his children?
That's not the same thing at all.
I feel for you, OP. And I hope that things work out in a way that makes you happy.
Given your precarious health situation where having children is concerned, isn't this a little cockeyed? Why can't you be a "great (second) mom" to his children?
Dewdroplet76 is very right. I'm not opposed at all to adoption, mind you. When you're a stepparent, you can't discipline the kids as you feel is right (I have watched his kids, and did discipline them, as far as "Don't hit your brother," "If you can't be nice, ignore each other," etc. And also, they wouldn't be in my home every day. I want to wake up, cook breakfast for the kids, come home, eat a family meal. Help with homework, go to parks, do everything that is involved with raising kids. If we move, the ex would have them part of the time; if we don't move, they'll come for a few weeks each year.
I don't want my adult life to be filled with watching YouTube videos with my boyfriend, him playing video games, me reading books, the occasional date. I love him, I do, but I know that I would be a good mom.
In my mind, though, I know I can't afford kids right now (especially not with my precarious current job situation), so I would need a dual-income home, with the kid having 2 loving parents, etc. The "normal" American dream, if you will. I just don't know that I could continue being happy with him if I never can raise my own children (biological or not). To stay in the situation and have us love each other but both of us know I could get too resentful and leave, or to break up on good terms, knowing that we love each other but I want to be a mom more than I want to be his SO...
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