Disagreement on # of kids, permanent resentment ensues? (wife, married, guys)

[Checkered24]

Trying to keep this short, but as it goes my wife and I when we married planned on a couple kids. However, now that we have one (about to turn 6 in a month), we are very much on different pages. Over the past few years of trying (yes, years), she had one pregnancy in 2012 which ended in a miscarriage, and nothing since. I have been steadily worn down by the trials of my daughter. I love her so much, but she has become more work and more stress than I could imagine. Her behavior has been terrible and deteriorating at school, defiant, etc, we have been to doctors to look for potential medical issues. It is exhausting. My wife also has medical issues, hypothyroidism, which causes fatigue and foggy brain thinking (her words). Ultimately I have (and am happy to) pick up the slack. So I am very active in my daughter's life and do all I can to help with normal chores (cooking, laundry, etc).

Yet I am worn out. I took a step down at work as the constant stress day and night was beating me down and causing me to fall into depression. (It has helped). I just cannot fathom having to add the burden of a newborn, or, as I put it, "starting over." My wife is clearly angry and resentful I am not all in on having another baby at this stage (even though she has been unable to conceive... we are still working on figuring out why seeing doctors, having tests done).

I just feel like this is going to turn into an area of permanent resentment. We just do not agree, and it is one of those things where we cannot do our own thing about it. So I feel guilty, as if I should be a good husband and give in, but just considering it causes depressive feelings about what I may potentially face... not just the child but it on top of the slack I will have to pick up.

Sigh, guess this is just a venting post. There is no easy answer.

[Jenna1343]

I'm sorry you're going through this. A good husband doesn't just give in. Have you thought about counseling? Sometimes having baby fever...permanent, on-going baby fever...and being unable to conceive puts certain things out of focus for some people. The baby becomes a goal, and if you don't reach the goal, you feel like a failure. She might be focusing more on that then the reality of the situation. Perhaps a third party, licensed and impartial will be able to get through to her. Or...you. Whatever the case might be (I kinda thing it would be her though).

[katykat01]

I can't say I blame you, given the circumstances, for not wanting another child. Have you told your wife why you don't want another child? If she's too tired to manage the one she has, how will she add another child to the mix? Plus, how will a child with behavioral issues react to another child? You might have more bad behavior from her if she suddenly has to share your attention. In an ideal situation, another child would make sense, but you're not exactly living in an ideal situation if you've had to take a step down at work. Has your wife completely ignored this fact?

Maybe you could try talking with her, telling her exactly what you've told us and see how she responds. Ask her how she plans to manage another child when she's excessively tired? Or state that you might be interested in having another child once your daughter's behavior settles down. Maybe ask her why another child is so incredibly important considering what you're already suffering. Sounds like you two need to talk. Good luck!

[Djuna]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this Checkered. This type of polar opposite issue can be very difficult. I think your wife is being quite selfish given the fact you are under a lot of pressure and stress with your daughter. Presenting all the ways you have had to change your life to deal with one child should be enough for her to take a good hard look at whether she wants a functional husband or another baby. The fact she's resenting you means she's not actually caring about you quite enough. Have you tried the good hard talk? I'm sure you have, you always appear as a rational person. Sell up the benefits of having an only child. If all else fails then start couples counseling. It won't hurt.

[reneeh63]

Therapy might help her focus on the daughter you have rather than perhaps over-reaching for another. She may not be entirely rational at this point so getting another party involved might help.

Be sure though that you don't unilaterally choose that person or she'll see it as you further pushing your agenda.

[Meyerland]

Is your wife a SAHM? That can affect how she sees the need to have more children.

Don't tell her that her health issues and how terribly behaved you first child is making you not want another child. That's relationship suicide.

Have a somewhat honest discussion with her about how you like your family the way it is.

Tell her how happy you are with her and DD. Tell her you are not sure you can handle the added stress of always wondering if there will be a new baby and the uncertainty. Tell her you aren't sure if you can hand let the stress of another child. Have a baby come stay previously to the discussion to show how stressful it is to have two kids in the house.

[krazykatlady]

Originally, when my husband and I got married with wanted 4 children. However, my son was quite difficult to raise so we decided to wait and see if he grew out of his issues (severe anxiety started at around age 3). At that point, we had already had a daughter. Well, he really didn't grow out of his issues until he was about 18. Now, he is a very confident, personable, outgoing, extroverted and well-rounded individual that loves to travel. I always wanted more children but I wanted to have enough energy and patience to put into the two that I had.

So, that's how we ended up with only two. I don't see any reason to add to your family until the timing is right. OP, maybe it will never be for you.

Regarding your wife's hypothyroidism, I don't know her medical situation; however, hypothyroidism is easily treatable and many people have it. My husband and I are both have hypothyroidism but since we are on medication, we are no longer hypo. Most people with it continue to take care of their children and family just fine. I hope she is not playing you with her diagnosis. You sound like you baby her by taking over most of the responsibilities.

[Leyla30]

I really don't think giving in is the answer, because now that cause for you to be not the happy one in a way. I think you guys should wait until somehow one of you happily goes with the other's decision. You seem like you already have your handsful, also your wife has some medical issues hypothyroidism, which causes fatigue and foggy brain thinking... a new born is hard, I mean people who are going through fatigue issues become burn out from sleepless night... maybe you can talk to your wife about her situation and help her see she is not in the best situation to have a baby sorry to say. You mentioned you pick up the slack.. how much more can you handle, you know you are going to end up mostly taking care of the baby right?
I had a baby at 29, so was in the military, I was always very fit, once the baby came home and the sleepless nights started I was like a zombie, let alone running, I could barely walk at a normal rate at sometimes.. now that he is 10 months old he has good sleep schedule but still a baby is a lot of work. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have a baby, it is wearing me out more than I thought. Starting over is not for everyone so don't feel bad about what's going through your mind/heart.
Try to see if you can help your wife understand she is probably not the most suitable candidate for a baby with her condition.
Sorry if sounds heartless but it is what it is.
Good luck, stay strong, just remember one can only take on so much.

[STT Resident]

Please seek counseling. There's nothing "wrong" with your inability to communicate with your wife (nor hers with you) on the subject and you desperately need an unbiased professional to lead you through the process. People on a forum can speculate and advise ad nauseam but in my opinion you need professional guidance on this one. If money is an issue there is plenty of help available through many social service programs.

[GoFigureMeOut]

If I was in your shoes I wouldn't want another baby either. I hope things work out.