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Hello all I'm fairly new here and I'm glad that I was able to venture out and find this website as I have a dilemma I'm going through. Well, I recently broke up (if you call it that) with a married woman! Yes, I know people will often say one should never be with a married woman and in this case (or in any case) I wholeheartedly agree. I believe having extra-marital affairs or even participating in one just further complicates the situation and feelings, and just causes a plethora of other issues--that is, if feelings get involved like my case. Without going into too much detail this person and I were just friends and it started out as she being my confidant in the sense that I came to her for medical as well as relationship advise. Later down the line we started becoming really cool friends and this was only at work never outside of work. One day while in her office we hugged and shared a kiss and of course from there it developed into more feelings.
Occasionally after work she would come over and we would make out all the time and eventually, we became intimate. Of course without rationalizing the situation I was caught up in a host of emotions: a woman coming into my life filling a void of loneliness and me, being a new stud in her life I was the one who she confided in so it would seem the situation was both mutual. I did bring up the fact that she is married and that from the outside what we were doing was wrong. She agreed, but neither of emotionally weren't willing to stop. Her reasons for cheating was that she fell out of love with her husband so naturally I would respond: Why not get a divorce? Of course the typical answer is that she has a house and other things that they both have an investment in and she wasn't mentally prepared to take that step. So as time carried on I myself treated this situation like we were in a relationship and even though we weren't it seemed like it. We would call each other "babe" "hunny" etc
What is interesting is technically I'm single, and therefore I could date any woman I wanted or be sexually intimate with any woman I wanted but I stayed faithful to her, and even though our sex life was not regular I still stayed faithful to her in that regard. Of course all wasn't peachy because we had our ups and downs like any situation but fast forward to recent events (this is where karma teaches us a lesson), she got a new job and had less time to talk and more stress on her new job. I started noticing changes in her such as short temper, emotional disconnect and constant arguments. Until last week we argued about something and I asked her she seemed distant and asked if there was "someone else" as in someone other than me and her husband and she replied "yes there is a crush I've had for two years."
Of course my heart stopped as I've developed feelings over the year for her and to know she was crushing on another guy. We argued of course and she stated that she had this long crush and thought by having me in the picture she thought the crush would go away. Her reason for maintaining this crush was because I was too nice but my niceness became overwhelming and she didn't want to feel like she was in a relationship. Recently we argued and that she feels that I should move on because in her words "what you want, and what I want are different." She doesn't want to feel like she is in a relationship and the other guy being single, wants to stay single and because he too is busy she feels that they both click.
Mind you, we went a whole year and she didn't tell me so I ended up developing these feelings of love and emotion so to hear this was devastating but no more of a revelation of my wrongdoing for even getting involved. Now this situation has lead me to be depressed and I am having feelings of being useless. The logic in all of this is I shouldn't have taken this serious because she is not only deceiving her husband she is likely to deceive me (which she did). Now she wants this other crush because as she told me he is single, busy, and she feels like he doesn't "bother her" when he wants to talk. I know if I never got in this situation I wouldn't be typing this right now but I do think the only justification (if there is one) would be that my loneliness would be the reason on why I held on to this situation and now I'm the odd one out.
Of course I get the stereotypical "you're a great handsome guy and I apologize for lying to you and I regret it" but I have nothing but contempt for her. But in the same sense I shouldn't be like this because I got myself involved. What is everyone's thoughts?
Hello all I'm fairly new here and I'm glad that I was able to venture out and find this website as I have a dilemma I'm going through. Well, I recently broke up (if you call it that) with a married woman! Yes, I know people will often say one should never be with a married woman and in this case (or in any case) I wholeheartedly agree. I believe having extra-marital affairs or even participating in one just further complicates the situation and feelings, and just causes a plethora of other issues--that is, if feelings get involved like my case. Without going into too much detail this person and I were just friends and it started out as she being my confidant in the sense that I came to her for medical as well as relationship advise. Later down the line we started becoming really cool friends and this was only at work never outside of work. One day while in her office we hugged and shared a kiss and of course from there it developed into more feelings.
Occasionally after work she would come over and we would make out all the time and eventually, we became intimate. Of course without rationalizing the situation I was caught up in a host of emotions: a woman coming into my life filling a void of loneliness and me, being a new stud in her life I was the one who she confided in so it would seem the situation was both mutual. I did bring up the fact that she is married and that from the outside what we were doing was wrong. She agreed, but neither of emotionally weren't willing to stop. Her reasons for cheating was that she fell out of love with her husband so naturally I would respond: Why not get a divorce? Of course the typical answer is that she has a house and other things that they both have an investment in and she wasn't mentally prepared to take that step. So as time carried on I myself treated this situation like we were in a relationship and even though we weren't it seemed like it. We would call each other "babe" "hunny" etc
What is interesting is technically I'm single, and therefore I could date any woman I wanted or be sexually intimate with any woman I wanted but I stayed faithful to her, and even though our sex life was not regular I still stayed faithful to her in that regard. Of course all wasn't peachy because we had our ups and downs like any situation but fast forward to recent events (this is where karma teaches us a lesson), she got a new job and had less time to talk and more stress on her new job. I started noticing changes in her such as short temper, emotional disconnect and constant arguments. Until last week we argued about something and I asked her she seemed distant and asked if there was "someone else" as in someone other than me and her husband and she replied "yes there is a crush I've had for two years."
Of course my heart stopped as I've developed feelings over the year for her and to know she was crushing on another guy. We argued of course and she stated that she had this long crush and thought by having me in the picture she thought the crush would go away. Her reason for maintaining this crush was because I was too nice but my niceness became overwhelming and she didn't want to feel like she was in a relationship. Recently we argued and that she feels that I should move on because in her words "what you want, and what I want are different." She doesn't want to feel like she is in a relationship and the other guy being single, wants to stay single and because he too is busy she feels that they both click.
Mind you, we went a whole year and she didn't tell me so I ended up developing these feelings of love and emotion so to hear this was devastating but no more of a revelation of my wrongdoing for even getting involved. Now this situation has lead me to be depressed and I am having feelings of being useless. The logic in all of this is I shouldn't have taken this serious because she is not only deceiving her husband she is likely to deceive me (which she did). Now she wants this other crush because as she told me he is single, busy, and she feels like he doesn't "bother her" when he wants to talk. I know if I never got in this situation I wouldn't be typing this right now but I do think the only justification (if there is one) would be that my loneliness would be the reason on why I held on to this situation and now I'm the odd one out.
Of course I get the stereotypical "you're a great handsome guy and I apologize for lying to you and I regret it" but I have nothing but contempt for her. But in the same sense I shouldn't be like this because I got myself involved. What is everyone's thoughts?
What is it that you would like to know our thoughts about?
Any relationship has risks. This one had extra risks, but it still involved two people with feelings.
So now you're hurt. I have been in "the woman's" position before, and I can attest that you can't always see it coming because when you're in a relationship like that you get VERY good at rationalizing things. Also, it rarely ends well for both parties.
So of course now you know ... keep it simple. Love is hard enough on its own without muddying the waters with a person who is ***supposed to be *** committed to someone else. You should have stopped yourself because you should have known she had boundary issues at the very least. So get better at listening to your gut. Is that what you wanted to hear?
None of this is surprising, of course. People get involved with others who are unfaithful, and then are surprised and hurt when that person continues to be unfaithful, which should certainly come as no surprise. You willingly got involved with an untrustworthy person. You can't possibly be caught offguard by the turn of events.
People dont get it. IF THEY WILL CHEAT WITH YOU, THEY WILL CHEAT ON YOU LATER. Just take it for what it is and not get attached.
I think this can be the case alot of times. But Probably best not to say it indefinitely. Some cheaters will cheat, then can actually be faithful later on.
But I do agree to a point. When you get involved with someone who's married or seeing someone else and not willing to leave, you have to consider how much trust can you have in someone that you got with because they're untrustworthy in the 1st place. If they could be trusted, their spouse would've been able to trust them. And clearly, that wasn't the case. lol
Again, this may not be the case all the time. But it is a question you need to ask, and if you're prepared for the possibility that the cheating party is just using you, or will betray you later. If those things happen, then you don't have any right for anger or malice, because yes, you willingly got involved with someone who was deceiving and betraying someone else, while you helped them in that regard.
So, to paraphrase a saying "You knew it was a snake when you ran into it."
Last edited by HappyRain; 05-23-2015 at 08:44 AM..
More to the point, it does indeed appear to be the case THIS time. So it doesn't really matter whether it's a universal truth.
I just try to avoid generalizing. So, in the future, should he try it again, it's possible it may work out the next time. But main thing, he should be prepared if it doesn't, and if it doesn't, he will have no right to be angry.
Like some say "Men never leave their wives for other women." It seems in most cases, they don't. But there's still a chance they would. So I try to avoid passing off advice as "universal truth" because there's always exceptions, should someone wanna take the chance.
You guys are right. I guess I am looking for some comfort in my own ignorance. Sadly I stayed in this because of companionship. She was a professional woman who took interest in me.
Sadly she said in a conversation that she continued dating me to see if her crush would go away. It is unfortunate that my loneliness has developed a lack of self esteem within myself
I'm very sorry that you learned such a hard lesson but what would make you think that she would treat you any better than her husband and she is married to him.
In my humble opinion if a married person fell in love with another person said married person should inform their spouse, pack their ditty bag and leave prior to intimate acts with the new person. If you can't do this then you are just cheating and once you are a with a cheater what makes you thing that you are so special it will never happen to you.
What is it that you would like to know our thoughts about?
Any relationship has risks. This one had extra risks, but it still involved two people with feelings.
So now you're hurt. I have been in "the woman's" position before, and I can attest that you can't always see it coming because when you're in a relationship like that you get VERY good at rationalizing things. Also, it rarely ends well for both parties.
So of course now you know ... keep it simple. Love is hard enough on its own without muddying the waters with a person who is ***supposed to be *** committed to someone else. You should have stopped yourself because you should have known she had boundary issues at the very least. So get better at listening to your gut. Is that what you wanted to hear?
I dont know Ibam rationalizing all these thoughts. I am just upset she told me Ibam this beautiful handsome guy who any woman would be lucky to have, only to discover she had another guy. In my mind its obvious I am not that great.
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