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A few months ago, I discovered my DH was using marijuana. I found it. And from what I found, he uses it a lot. Probably daily. He uses a vaporizer or edibles, so it is easy to hide.
We have been married for 12 years. I have never known him to use any drugs. Just a social drink or two, which I enjoy as well. We have 2 kids.
Part of me says, it's no big deal. But it's a very small part. I am actually angry, disappointed, sad, and hurt. And now that I know, I see that there have been changes in him, mostly cognitive.
I am terrified that it will affect his job or he will get caught with it. It is still very much illegal where we live. I am terrified that one of the kids will find it like I did. I am terrified that he has driven while he's high.
The kids will be staying with their grandparents next month for a few days, and I plan to confront him. But I am pretty sure he is going to insist it's not a problem and do nothing about it. Either that or he will tell me he'll stop, but continue using and just hide it from me. I think he truly sees it as no big deal. But it's a very big deal to me.
If he reacts like I think he will, what should I do?
There are a lot worse things out there, some of the legal and some of them illegal. If you want to let him know that you know, go for it, but don't begin to nag and or treat him like a child.
You'd be surprised...no, you'd be AMAZED if you knew just how many folk in your world partake.
Look at the successful happy folk with a twinkle in their eye and a remarkably calm demeanour.
Alcoholics say the same thing, that EVERYONE drinks like they do. I know they don't. Even had an alcoholic tell me that he was sure that the doctors telling him to stop drinking drink just as much as he did. Yeah right. I call BS.
Alcoholics say the same thing, that EVERYONE drinks like they do. I know they don't. Even had an alcoholic tell me that he he was sure that the doctors telling him to stop drinking drink just as much as he did. Yeah right. I call BS.
Yeah, the "everybody does it" rationale is prevalent among the potheads and drunks.
You are right, a person who unilaterally decided to do something without consulting their PARTNER is acting like a dictator. But your advocating that the other party should ALSO act like a dictator is NOT going to get them anywhere. It doesn't hurt to remind the first person exhibiting dictatorial behavior that it doesn't work in a marriage/partnership.
No, the other spouse does not have to tolerate illegal drug use (or any other kind) in a home WITH CHILDREN (insert horrified gasp of sarcasm here!). She has other options. She could insist on counseling. She could, along with her tribe, move to another state where it is legal. She could divorce. They could have a trial separation while they decide what to do next, etc. It isn't just tolerate unacceptable behavior or divorce. Real life isn't black and white.
I never said, nor do I agree that the wife should be "fuzzy-wuzzy" about it. I don't even know what that means.
You obviously like the drama of what COULD happen, and you certainly like to consider the "horror" of doing something AROUND THE CHILDREN!!!Oh no!!!. Although she hasn't said that has occurred, so try and calm down and stick with the facts as they have been presented.
I deal in the real world. In the real world it is likely that he is getting the cannabis from someone he knows, and has known for a long time, so the likelihood that he will get caught is very low. People have been using cannabis in states where it has been illegal for many decades without getting caught. So it's a possibility, but not a very great one. He isn't growing it or selling it.
I can guess his behavior just like you can, but I don't think it is as dramatic as you would like to believe. I doubt he is using it before work. I don't know that, but neither did you before you asserted it. I also doubt that he is using it before he drives THE CHIRLDREN!!! OH My GOD!!! to school. I'd bet he loves his children just as much as you love yours.
No, my position does not allow cheaters to cheat. My position insists that the two people in the partnership work it out together, because that is the only way to find a solution. As you should have seen from this real life example, neither spouse is right in thinking they can make decisions without having an honest and open discussion with their partner.
I don't think, based on your comments, that you really understood what I said when you read it the first time. Your reading comprehension skills aren't very good if all you got from what I said was that it was ok to cheat and the other person should just suck it up.
Whatever you may want to think, this isn't about the "drama of what could happen" because I was actually in a situation very similar to the OP, and it is unacceptable behavior to risk your livelihood or the safety of your children because you want to get high. An immature child puts their own wants before anything else without considering the consequences, and that is how the OP's husband is acting. I would have the same response if he was drinking too much, or abusing prescription pills, or anything else that was harming his family. And yes, drug use in the home - regardless of the drug - does harm the family, because this is not what the OP signed up for.
I also am involved in social work and, guess what, people get investigated and have their children taken away because there are illegal drugs in the home. I'm not interested in arguing with you about whether or not that is right or wrong, and whether or not marijuana is completely harmless and therefore no risk to the children, the fact is that it happens. There was a terrible case a few years ago where dad was using marijuana (I don't remember in what form), the kids were taken away and then they were murdered in the foster home. A terrible case where every single person failed, but you know what? Never would have happened if dad had just sucked up whatever his issue was and kept the pot out of the home. Why take the risk? I sure wouldn't.
The fact that you don't even see the risk to the kids, and are being sarcastic in your remarks about their safety and welfare, tells me you are the same selfish type who thinks it's ok to do whatever you want as long as "nobody gets hurt." If that's what YOU want, more power to you, but that doesn't mean it's what the OP, or me, or lots of other people want because a partnership is not all about one person.
funny how she didn't notice these changes until AFTER she found it.
Kind of like you can't explain why someone is acting weird or erratic until you find the hidden vodka bottles? The empty prescription pill bottles? The marijuana edibles? OH no wait, that's completely different...
Talk to him. Explain your position, including the fact that it's a big deal to you (in addition to having legal ramifications that will affect his whole family). Accept that you may have to go your separate ways if he persists in illegal behavior that endangers your family.
I couldn't care less about other people's various personal stances on pot, whether it's a big deal or no big deal, if Jesus and whoever else smoked tons of weed, if it's uptight to not want it in your house or with your kids, none of it.
For me, the bottom line is that he lives somewhere where it's illegal, and by participating in an illegal activity, is choosing to put his family's well-being, including that of two small children, at risk, should he get busted, gain a career-impacting arrest/conviction record, lose his job, etc. I would have a major problem with a partner deciding that his no-big-deal, yet illegal recreational choice was worth endangering the well-being of his kids.
By your stance back when slavery was legal it was just a fact that even though they were treated horribly a slave running away from his master was illegal and could face much penalty. Just because something is illegal to do doesn't mean it's wrong.
Pot is pot, grow up it's not a problem. And as for how he's "acting" it's BECAUSE of how he's feeling that he smokes.
I partake and it helps with my muscle pain, back aches and hell, even period cramps. The fact it is illegal is ridiculous.
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