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If this is something you don't want to happen in a relationship, please tell him to take initiative and break the habit. Chances are, he may be addicted to it and this will cause issues if not tackled.
You didn't say where you found it, but if it was in a place that the kids are not allowed to go, or shouldn't be, like your dresser drawers, than it is unlikely they will find it, so that should be a big relief.
You are not his mom, you are his equal in your relationship, so those posters that say you should demand anything are wrong, and if you try that tact one of two things will happen: 1) You will see how ineffective it is to demand something of another adult. 2) You will create an unresolvable crisis that results in divorce.
The advice you have gotten to open up a dialogue with your partner is the best advice you have gotten so far. Do that. Just tell him that you know about the cannabis use and that you are disappointed that he's been secretive about it with you. It may be that he didn't tell you about it was because he knew you wouldn't approve, not a negation of your entire relationship. Don't even mention the children, keep the conversation focused on your relationship and the need for open honest communication. Decide, as a couple, what you are going to do going forward. Plan on a compromise that you both can accept.
Some people use cannabis just like others use alcohol, to relax and chill out. If that is all he is doing then you can relax a bit yourself. If that is all it is, using cannabis as an alternative to poison (alcohol) or prescription medication, then one option you both have is to move to a state that recognizes that choice. Yes, I know, that is not an easy decision to make, but it is an option you have instead of demands that won't be met or divorce.
If it's more than that, then you need to, together, deal with the underlying problem.
There have been some promising things going on in the Texas legislature recently regarding prohibition, but it may take several more years for Texas to catch up with the reality that the Drug War is a failure and that property confiscation and prison terms may be profitable for the police and private prison system, but they haven't solved drug use or abuse, and haven't benefited the citizens of Texas.
By the way, difficulty sleeping is not part of cannabis use. People use cannabis often as a sleep aid because some of the more common strains can make you sleepy. Difficulty sleeping in people that have used cannabis is usually a sign that they only use it intermittently, because it's one of the subtle withdrawal symptoms that people sometimes experience when they stop using it for a time. So if this is his situation, it suggests that he is not using it as often as you think he is. This should be good news to you.
Good luck.
He made a unilateral decision - with no input from her - on something that affects the lives of everyone in their home. Why does she have to be the one to do everything together when he decided this all on his own?
When a spouse deliberately hides something from another spouse it is because s/he knows what s/he is doing is wrong. It's a cowardly and disrespectful act.
He made a unilateral decision - with no input from her - on something that affects the lives of everyone in their home. Why does she have to be the one to do everything together when he decided this all on his own?
When a spouse deliberately hides something from another spouse it is because s/he knows what s/he is doing is wrong. It's a cowardly and disrespectful act.
Agreed. It's funny how people pick and choose what they want to defend. One spot they say people who lie are terrible, somewhere else say alcoholics can't be trusted.
Then a guy goes behind his wife's back, smokes weed all the time and it's ok? Yeah... ok people.
A few months ago, I discovered my DH was using marijuana. I found it. And from what I found, he uses it a lot. Probably daily. He uses a vaporizer or edibles, so it is easy to hide.
We have been married for 12 years. I have never known him to use any drugs. Just a social drink or two, which I enjoy as well. We have 2 kids.
Part of me says, it's no big deal. But it's a very small part. I am actually angry, disappointed, sad, and hurt. And now that I know, I see that there have been changes in him, mostly cognitive.
I am terrified that it will affect his job or he will get caught with it. It is still very much illegal where we live. I am terrified that one of the kids will find it like I did. I am terrified that he has driven while he's high.
The kids will be staying with their grandparents next month for a few days, and I plan to confront him. But I am pretty sure he is going to insist it's not a problem and do nothing about it. Either that or he will tell me he'll stop, but continue using and just hide it from me. I think he truly sees it as no big deal. But it's a very big deal to me.
If he reacts like I think he will, what should I do?
I am a supporter of marijuana legalization and will defend it in some cases but that doesn't mean it is healthy. I kind of think of it like alcohol...everything in moderation. Anyone who is smoking/consuming marijuana every day who doesn't have chronic pain seems to be to have some other issue, like maybe depression? There is a reason he is smoking/consuming a lot. My dad was a pothead for many many years and he admitted he did it to de-stress since he had stressful jobs.
Don't know if this has been suggested but I don't know if I'd tell him to STOP OR ELSE, but rather ask why he is doing it, and get him to cut down (and also express your fears about being caught).
Quote:
Originally Posted by rbohm
sorry cinderslipper, but you are wrong. not everyone does pot, i dont, the op doesnt, i have many friends that dont. most employers dont allow it, and if it shows up on a random drug test, you could be fired, legal product or not. and it is not less harmful than cigarettes.
Smoking anything is bad for you. Consuming marijuana through edibles and vaping, which is what the OP does, is considerably healthier. But of course that doesn't make what he does OK. It's way too often.
sorry cinderslipper, but you are wrong. not everyone does pot, i dont, the op doesnt, i have many friends that dont. most employers dont allow it, and if it shows up on a random drug test, you could be fired, legal product or not.
Indeed. I don't, my husband doesn't, nobody in either of our immediate families does, the vast majority of our friends don't, and my husband would be kicked out of the military with zero tolerance were it to show up in his system, regardless if it were consumed somewhere where it is legal to do so (or if I or anybody we knew were using it, for that matter, in any of the government owned military housing we've lived in).
But, really, the main thing here is it's NOT okay with her, it's illegal where they live, and she has every single right in the world to address illegal activity going on in her house and/or around her children.
When I was much younger I was in an 8 yr relationship with a guy who was a daily pot smoker, and I don't do drugs. We lived together for 7 years. I came to really hate that habit of his and I finally realized this was as far as he would ever progress in life -- from the point he started smoking pot a lot, at 17. It absolutely does affect brain chemistry and I didn't want it to be a part of my life in the future. I also knew he would never quit, never grow up, and I didn't have to be around it. That, and many other reasons, led me to getting out of that relationship and I've never regretted it for a minute.
Now your situation is different as you're married and have children together. Think of pot as any other substance that he could be abusing. It becomes a priority in the user's life if they have that addictive kind of personality. There is no use lecturing him or talking to him -- it is something that you accept or reject. You can make rules in order to protect yourself and your children and he doesn't have to like those rules, but that's too bad.
Treat this the same way you would if he were abusing alcohol, which is just another drug. Get yourself to Narc-anon or Al-anon and learn how to not be codependent. You have to take care of yourself and kids first and foremost. Fighting with him won't change him.
This. Don't confront him with barrels raised. He will resent you for it, guaranteed.
I know how you're feeling. When you haven't experienced it, it can be scary. Before I started smoking, it made me nervous being around people that did. Now it's something I use as a sleep aid at night before bed. Not a big deal at all. To me anyway.
That's fine to smoke before going to bed - but the OP says it appears he's using a LOT and that it may be affecting his work. If so, it's doubtful he would admit to that. She may need to get a professional opinion from a therapist to help determine the full impact of usage at whatever is his level.
It's like comparing having a nightcap against someone starting on a case of beer before noon - NOT the same thing at all.
I don't see the issue with not wanting your spouse to smoke pot. Especially if they acted like they never did before.
It is ok for people to be against cigarettes, it's ok for someone to be against drinking but as soon as pot comes up.. every pot head in their parent's basement will come out to defend it and say how there's nothing wrong with it and that everyone does it.
That's fine to smoke before going to bed - but the OP says it appears he's using a LOT and that it may be affecting his work. If so, it's doubtful he would admit to that. She may need to get a professional opinion from a therapist to help determine the full impact of usage at whatever is his level.
It's like comparing having a nightcap against someone starting on a case of beer before noon - NOT the same thing at all.
Eh, maybe true for "some" people maybe. At a former job, I had a co-worker that smoked before work and during lunch. He was the best dispatcher out of the crew and you would never know he smoked. He knew his job and done it well. As long as I do my job, it's nobody's business what I do on my own personal time.
As long as he hides his weed in a place where the kids can't find it and he makes some compromises with his wife, I see no reason why he would need to completely stop. If he enjoys it and isn't letting other aspects of his life fall behind let him be.
She drinks so she's doing drugs too. You can't separate the two. Alcohol is a hard drug right there with cocaine and heroin.
It is ok for people to be against cigarettes, it's ok for someone to be against drinking but as soon as pot comes up.. every pot head in their parent's basement will come out to defend it and say how there's nothing wrong with it and that everyone does it.
Yep...there are a million arbitrary dealbreakers that people get the "Hey, you want what you want, and that's just how it is" thumbs-up from any number of people, but as soon as somebody says, "Hey, not comfortable with doing something that's illegal, here," it's lock n' load open season on all the judgmental people who don't use weed and don't want it used in their house or with their kids. Interesting.
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