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I don't think anyone can tell you what will happen or if it's a good fit for you or not. I have friends that married single parents and everything seems to be fine. It's hard for me to imagine what it would be like because before I had kids, I just didn't know anything about them. And now my world is my children. I'm lucky that our family is very strong but if I were to become a single mom, I'd like to think that I would be able to find love again. But I can imagine it would be very difficult with someone who didn't have children themselves. It would be a very different dynamic .
So, yesterday, at my family's 4th of July party, which is a pretty big shindig in our small town, I was reintroduced to a girl I went to high school with. She's been divorced for about a year and moved back to our area with her kids. She has joint custody with her ex. Unfortunately at the party was also a girl I had invited, so it caused a little awkwardness. Anyway. this old school mate and I hit it off pretty well.
Here's the thing, she has 3 kids. That's kind of overwhelming for me. They are really sweet kids though. We chatted quite a bit yesterday and agreed to meet up for drinks. For those of you who have dated single mothers, what's the best approach here. This is completely uncharted territory for me. At 42, I'm not used to being in uncharted territory. What are the complications and pitfalls I need to look out for? What are some things I can do to make this work?
Thanks for your replies.
Some tips to reduce the risk of unnecessary complications:
1. Keep in mind that they are her kids, not yours- unless there's something truly horrible going on, don't interfere (relationships they have with each other, rules, etc.)
2. Keep in mind you're dating her, not her kids- unless it reaches the point that you both decide you have a future together, resist the urge (if you have it) to get into "family" situations. Even if you do things like take them to the zoo, join them for family dinners, etc., kids can bond to you and get confused and hurt if your relationship with her doesn't become permanent. In other words, kids (any age) might not see you as "Mom's friend," but as "New Dad."
Again... because you are apparently not paying attention to anything anyone is saying:
Not only am I paying attention but I'm responding individually to most posts directed at me.
Listen, I'm sorry that your situation is so difficult with the 1 kid and everything, but try to understand, I'm not you. There are men that can successfully climb 3 flights of stairs to get to their apartment and that's an achievement. There are men that can successfully summit the tallest mountains in the world. So you see, not all men are equal. What you are able to endure in your life is specific to you and your mental and emotional strengths, weaknesses and physical limitations.
Not only am I paying attention but I'm responding individually to most posts directed at me.
Listen, I'm sorry that your situation is so difficult with the 1 kid and everything, but try to understand, I'm not you. There are men that can successfully climb 3 flights of stairs to get to their apartment and that's an achievement. There are men that can successfully summit the tallest mountains in the world. So you see, not all men are equal. What you are able to endure in your life is specific to you and your mental and emotional strengths, weaknesses and physical limitations.
I don't know you, but I would bet it's not going to end well, good luck. In reading your responses you are trying to justify it blindly by any means without any justification, but again, I guess you will find out, since you are the expert...
You have never really answered the "why" question...
Some tips to reduce the risk of unnecessary complications:
1. Keep in mind that they are her kids, not yours- unless there's something truly horrible going on, don't interfere (relationships they have with each other, rules, etc.)
2. Keep in mind you're dating her, not her kids- unless it reaches the point that you both decide you have a future together, resist the urge (if you have it) to get into "family" situations. Even if you do things like take them to the zoo, join them for family dinners, etc., kids can bond to you and get confused and hurt if your relationship with her doesn't become permanent. In other words, kids (any age) might not see you as "Mom's friend," but as "New Dad."
Thanks for the tips. Number 2 I think is what I've been thinking about the most. It's already a difficult situation for the children being shuffled back and forth to mom and dad's house, watching their parents relationship fall apart, wondering if it's their fault, etc. The last thing I want to do is make a tough situation even harder for these kids. And you know, the fact may be that it's unavoidable.
I will say that, when all 3 kids where up at the family ranch for the 4th of July party I got along very well with all the kids. We played on the swings and the trampoline and had water gun fights, rode horses. And they smiled when they saw me talking with their mom. I think kids have that second sense about people. They know who's a good guy and who's a bad guy. None of that suggests that introducing a new man into the family is going to be peaches and cream.
I'll start off with drinks with the mom and see where it goes.
I don't know you, but I would bet it's not going to end well, good luck. In reading your responses you are trying to justify it blindly by any means without any justification, but again, I guess you will find out, since you are the expert...
You have never really answered the "why" question...
Justification?
Why?
Because he likes her and wants to date her. Why would you need anymore "justification" than that?
I don't know you, but I would bet it's not going to end well, good luck. In reading your responses you are trying to justify it blindly by any means without any justification, but again, I guess you will find out, since you are the expert...
You have never really answered the "why" question...
I'm not trying to justify anything. I'm simply going to have a drink with a pretty woman I reconnected with at a party. We got along very well and want to see each again. Yes, she happens to have 3 kids. Does that make her unlovable? Is that a sentence to remain alone for the rest of her life? Maybe the whole situation will be too much for me to handle. I don't know. But to suggest I shouldn't even try seems a little narrow-minded to me. Risks are a part of life, and I've never been one to shy away from them.
AS a mother of soon-to-be-four kids, IF my husband died (or left or whatever) I can't imagine dating someone until the kids were at the very least older teens. That, OR they were a single father themselves, and knew what having kids was like. It would seem that the burden is on the woman - to prove that she isn't clingy or a "moocher", to make the perfect balance between kids and partner, to make sure her kids' father is co-parenting well, to prove that her kids are well-behaved enough to not be pains to the new partner... It seems like most non-parents, no matter how busy their lives are, just have so much less minute-to-minute responsibility that they can't really fathom what it's like for someone who IS a parent. Plus, the bulk of the time would be spent either working to support the kids, or actively parenting. If you have any free time beyond that, you're having to (typically) hire childcare which isn't (usually) free, whereas the other person has more disposable income that he's going to want to spend on himself. So if there's a date, the woman has to pay the babysitter as well as split the check for the date - unless she wants to be known as the moocher. Not to mention, how does one have the TIME to work, parent, AND date? I just wouldn't know where to start, if she had younger kids. (Plus then you have the other issues as well - if it gets serious, you then have "step-father" issues if the kids are young enough... that sounds fun too.)
So, OP, I just wanted to give you the perspective from the OTHER side of things. The "stress" of dating a single mom (the inconvenience of the kids, presence of the children's father, etc.) are not the only stresses. The mom is probably facing her OWN set of stresses - which I would possibly wager might even outweigh your concerns.
Of course, YMMV. Many single parents date, and if they can find ways to make it work out, good for them, and for their partners. But it's not an easy situation for EITHER party. (Nor for the kids, naturally.)
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