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OP, he's going to watch porn no matter what you do. The problem is that he's choosing it over you. Tell him--calmly, away from the bedroom, at a neutral time--how you feel about him apparently choosing it over you. He may be afraid of hurting the baby, and you can then reassure him that it won't.
If it's any other reason, and he continues to choose porn over you, you have a few choices: putting up with it and possibly having a lifetime of infrequent sex because of his porn addiction, counseling with him, counseling alone if he won't go, so you can decide what to do next, or leaving him.
Sorry you're going through this with a baby on the way. If you're not married to him, I would seriously reconsider the relationship depending on what he says. If he's not mature enough to break his porn addiction, I can't imagine what kind of husband and father he'd be.
But don't alter your body and put yourself through that kind of risk and pain just because he's hooked on porn. No man is worth that.
Are you serious?!?! Why should my baby suffer the consequences?
Yes, I'm serious. Your baby WILL suffer the consequences, regardless. That's already a given. You're already in damage control mode, you just don't know it/won't admit it. The odds are high that adoption would be the best thing possible for the baby, as well as you. You're not going to have the time/energy to work on your issues once the kid comes. That's doubly true if you end up being (yet another) broke single parent (and broke usually entails both time and money poverty...unless the husband is earning some huge income)
....a wealth of research strongly suggests that marriage is good for children. Those who live with their biological parents do better in school and are less likely to get pregnant or arrested. They have lower rates of suicide, achieve higher levels of education and earn more as adults.Meanwhile, children who spend time in single-parent families are more likely to misbehave, get sick, drop out of high school and be unemployed.
I am perfectly capable of raising this child on my own..
That's what almost everyone says. They're almost always wrong. See above.
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Originally Posted by Hurtwife
You seem to know what you're talking about, maybe you can give me a few pointers on picking a better man.
To be honest, I'm quite bad at it myself. The good news is I didn't bring any kids into the messes I created for myself. What I have learned is the people we pick aren't random. If you pick an emotionally unhealthy person, it usually means you're emotionally unhealthy in some way, too. Like attracts like. Therapy can help you to learn to pick (and be!) the right person so that you won't repeat the same messed up cycle over and over again (like so many people do).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtwife
I'm no psychic, how would I or better yet, how would anyone know that a person will change, act or treat you so different from one day to another?? He is not the man I met and fell in love with...
You don't need to be psychic. But you do need to be able to spot certain red flags, which people typically ignore, especially during the early "in-love" phase of a relationship. I suspect he very much is the same man you met and fell in love with. The problem is being "in-love" is equivalent to being on a drug like cocaine or alcohol. It distorts your perception of reality. Believe me, I learned this the hard way . That's why you do therapy---so you don't have to keep doing relationships the hard way. Granted, nothing is 100%. But most of us are emotionally unintelligent. And that's because our parents are/were emotionally unintelligent. They couldn't teach us what they didn't know. So we repeat the cycle. But we don't have to. The hard part is you have to have the humility to admit that you're not emotionally healthy. It's hard to admit partly because of ego and partly because it doesn't seem unhealthy, it just seems 'normal'.
By the way, I'm going to do a 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat in a few months to work on my issues. They ask for donations but don't charge a flat fee; so you can give whatever you can afford to give. It is supposed to be difficult but, then, so is what you're going through. It could be a good (and cheaper) alternative to therapy.
I am certainly not having a tizzy fit and being married over 25 years does not mean you have any real life, real relationship experience, it simply means you have been married for 25 years. Much like age does not mean maturity and wisdom
Mod cut.
Marriage is a relationship. The ultimate relationship of the highest order, in fact!
As I stated, being involved in a marital relationship for a quarter of a centurycertainly counts for relationship experience.
Hence how I know that just bringing up loosing our computer during his porn time was enough for my husband to stop. He just stopped.
Having friends married as long or longer, I know what my friends went through throughout the years. Two-Three had to actually follow through with removing that porn machine from their house for a time. Their computers have been in their home for years now with no issues I am aware of. Most have grown children now
Just as you would handle a cocaine addict, alcoholic, you don't keep that particular drug around or their sobriety is doomed. Love your spouse? keep him mentally and physically healthy. Porn is his DRUG for the OP's husband, he is addicted. He needs to get CLEAN & SOBER
Quote:
Suggesting someone give up their computer and go to the library should be good enough for you if it is good enough for someone else.
Ding Ding we have a winner!!! I would never advise anyone to do anything different than what I would do in that exact same circumstance.
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Last edited by PJSaturn; 07-22-2015 at 09:55 AM..
Reason: Rude.
Do you feel the need to take a degree in cookery if your husband enjoys watching Cooking Shows? Have you subscribed to a number of martial arts programmes because your husband enjoys the women fighting along side James Bond in the movies?
Visual entertainment is an escapism and a fantasy. It is a fiction - and there is no justifiable reason for the majority of us to feel we need to conform to the fantastical nonsense we see on screen. Are there guys who want to modify their partner to conform to their porn fantasy images? I am sure there are - but they are a minority - and deserve every decibel of the slamming door when their real life partner ups and walks out on them.
I am certainly not having a tizzy fit and being married over 25 years does not mean you have any real life, real relationship experience, it simply means you have been married for 25 years. Much like age does not mean maturity and wisdom and a college degree does not guarantee intelligence or the ability to actually perform the duties required in the real world when it comes to one's job performance.
I hope that clears up your confusion.
Are you at the library now using the computer? If not why not? Suggesting someone give up their computer and go to the library should be good enough for you if it is good enough for someone else.
Your alcohol comparision makes about as much sense as getting rid of the computer, neither will work, neither will help and both will cause more turmoil than already exists. Those who have real life experience regarding addictions already know this.
Exactly, if I flush a drug addict's drugs down the toilet, they will find a way to use regardless. Porn addiction is the same way. They will find a way to get their fix. Getting rid of the computer IS NOT the solution here!!
Wow, this thread has me shaking my head.
1. There is no reason to put your baby up for adoption! That is nonsense. If you choose to leave the relationship, you CAN raise your baby by yourself.
2. Your husband should not be treating you this way, especially while you are pregnant with his child. PERIOD!!!
3. Your husband has to make the choice to get help for his porn addiction. There is nothing that you can do until HE makes that decision for HIMSELF
4. Do you want your child to grow up in a household of such unrest? Only you can answer that.
5. Once your child is born, he/she comes first and must be a top priority. If his priority continues to be porn, I dont think you have any choice but to leave. You and the baby deserve better.
Remember each time you are stressed you get the baby stressed. You are a Mother, it HAS to be about your baby, not him. Baby comes first. Please calm down. Get some kava kava from the health food store to calm down, maybe. You get no points by getting upset, he obviously will not care.
If not, you may need to make him leave to preserve your own health. This is very dangerous for the baby, constant stress.
When you have a baby in the home, you obviously cannot allow pornography in the home. PERIOD.
Baby comes first ((hugs to you))
P.S. My husband went through this phase, honestly it didn't bother me that much. Maybe I did to, seems like it. But when I said to him...we'd need to get rid of the computer, that was enough to stop it. It wasn't enough for our friends, a few of them had to really do it. They all have had computers for years without issue.
But overall, we haven't had much issue with porn, even with my 24 year old. It happens of course, and yes it can be an addiction for a few days, a week to however long but it certainly can just stop one day. Just as it did for us. Just as I stopped smoking after 1 week (smoked as a teen)
Take heart, I am so sorry you are going through this.
You act like porn is only accessible via computer. So she takes away the computer. What's to stop him from going and buying a DVD or a magazine? Should she limit his use to the car as well? Should she lock him in a room and only allow him to go to places that she deems ok?
I've become more and more insecure with myself with each day that passes. My husband skips sex with me because he's "too tired" from work but yet I always discover that he watches porn. And it's always the same type of porn, "big ass", "big booty". I'm not a bad lay at all!! Maybe it's because I'm pregnant and became unattractive to him? Idk, but he doesn't seem to care how much this hurts me. It's not the whole porn watching thing that I have a problem with, it's that I feel he chooses it over me. Now I've become so obsessed with getting plastic surgery after I have this baby, maybe this way he won't have the need to look at other woman in that way... Sigh. Am I over reacting???
I don't think your over-reacting at all. Relationships are hard.
How are you "discovering he watches porn"?
I wouldn't blame the porn; He isn't interested in you sexually. I think you need to have a conversation about sex with him. Talk about what he likes, what he doesn't, what you like what you don't. His dislikes may paint a picture on why he isn't into you that way.
I wouldn't blame the porn; He isn't interested in you sexually. I think you need to have a conversation about sex with him. Talk about what he likes, what he doesn't, what you like what you don't. His dislikes may paint a picture on why he isn't into you that way.
As the OP has already pointed out, the sex life ground to a halt when she got pregnant, and became replaced wholesale with porn usage.
You act like porn is only accessible via computer. So she takes away the computer. What's to stop him from going and buying a DVD or a magazine? Should she limit his use to the car as well? Should she lock him in a room and only allow him to go to places that she deems ok?
I don't act any certain way. I cannot answer to your imagination here of what if's beyond discussing the removal of the drug from their home so he can get clean. That might be enough, just the plan, it was for us. We also replaced that addiction with cycling for over a decade. Then took 5 years off and are back cycling
Lets take it step by step as it unfolds. Iif we want to hypothesize beyond the discussing of removing the source of the problem, then following through, maybe start another thread about new issues that could come into play.
Last edited by OutdoorsyGal; 07-21-2015 at 12:32 PM..
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. That's why you do therapy---so you don't have to keep doing relationships the hard way. Granted, nothing is 100%. But most of us are emotionally unintelligent. And that's because our parents are/were emotionally unintelligent. They couldn't teach us what they didn't know. So we repeat the cycle. But we don't have to. The hard part is you have to have the humility to admit that you're not emotionally healthy. It's hard to admit partly because of ego and partly because it doesn't seem unhealthy, it just seems 'normal'. 
