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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
Reputation: 40635
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrowningPoeFrost
If the people you enter into relationships with don't have a problem with this ...great! If they do, then it will naturally cause conflict like in the case of this thread.
Right. I don't date people like that. It's just not a good match. I don't really trust people that never become friends with anyone they've dated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
Thats what he said. And he doesn't see them as exes because it has been 12 years since they were a couple and most got married (and divorced) and have kids now.
Well, yeah, his position makes perfect sense. You just weren't right for each other.
I think if those exes wouldn't be floating around, we would still be happy. I wouldn't want anybody to tell me either whom I can text and whom not. But I would not let my partner go over old flames. Especially not the ones who cheated on me and were never there when I needed help.
This ^^ is just not true. Why are you so willing to shoulder ALL the blame for this?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty
Timberline,
What about the double standard? His insistence that she not hang around her exes, yet he could? What about the lying?
Well double standards are bunk. But again, are we talking about exes, or are we talking about friends. Two different things. She said most of these people wanted to have sex with her. It doesn't sound like they were really friends, so that's a completely different thing.
But double standards are not ok, but don't lump exes that want to have sex with you with people that are friends.
He was very insecure in the beginning and didn't like that I have guy friends or talk to my exes. I got rid of them since most of them wanted to have sex with me anyway. So it wasn't a big loss. I work with 100 guys and 4 women and most guys are a little too friendly to me. I never told my bf that they are all hitting on me but he kinda knew of course.
Then after 4 months of total happiness he suddenly mentioned that he is friends with a few exes and they are all excited to meet me. I was totally shocked and refused. He said he is not giving up friends for a new gf. Okay. I hoped they go away over time. They didn't. And of course they are all single. He kept pressuring me in a really strong way. The more he did, the more I refused.
He gained confidence and wasn't jealous anymore becaue I did everything to make him comfortable but I got more and more jealous.
Then he started texting 24/7 and I started investigating. Never found anything. I didn't snoop, just asked too many personal questions. He said he was texting for the last 10 years when he was single but slowed it down when I came in the picture but now picked it up again. He showed me texts and emails to exes and they were all normal and friendly.
I went to counseling and all of them (3) said he should honor my feelings and get rid of the baggage. I took him to counseling last week and the moment he was with me, the counselor turned 180 degrees and said I have to accept the exes or move on. As long as there is nothing inappropriate, I have to accept it. I said he sends "XOXOXs" and dirty jokes and I think that's not right. He said the bad thoughts are only in my head. I asked "so where do you draw the line??" the answer "There is no line." I said "he still calls her a made up nick name, thats totally inappropriate!!!" Nope, apparently it isn't.
We broke up after the counseling.
If I would have been more relaxed, I would have met the exes, hang out with them, have fun and we would meet them once a month and all would have been okay. They would later on have a bf and maybe contact him less or we all would hang out together and be one happy family. But just the thought of it makes me gag.
I told him that none of them was there for him when he was sick for 6 monhts and injured badly because they had bfs at that time. None of them even brought him a soup or groceries. NONE OF THEM. And this will be happening again - they will have a bf and drop him like a hot potato and then he regrets that he let me go. He didn't get it. I left and now he runs around telling everybody that I gave him an ultimatum to dump his FRIENDS.
On the bold section been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. Don't always believe that they're not going to give up ex's when a new relationship blossoms. They usually say that, because deep down they're unsure about you. When the person feels it's the right person, they'll give up a lot to be with and not lose that person. Bending over backwards is just a way of losing your identity for someone who's unwilling to accommodate your feelings. This very easily goes both ways and can be a difficult path to navigate at times.
I have an ex who didn't like my opinion of one of the guy friends she kept. Knew him way longer than she knew him and he just wasn't a stand up guy. I got dumped so she could keep the friendship. She met another guy shortly after and dumped that friend and other guy friends in an instance. It's just the way that cookie crumbled. She's now married to that guy and expecting their first child next month. It's more of you two weren't compatible enough to work through your differences.
My exes don't want sex. Most of my male friends would have not been opposed to have sex with me. Also, I do whatever it takes to make my bf comfortable.
I was in contact with my exes, too. He said he doesn't like any guys around me so I stopped. Once he became secure in our relationship he told me I can hang out with whomever I want and text to whomever I want. I don't need to be in constant contact with people but I guess he did it for 10 years and didn't want to give it up. for nobody. I think he kept the backdoor open because he never trusted our relationship to last. He didn't want to give up anybody because he didn't want to have less friends once we break up.
He will have a hard time finding a new gf who accepts his exgfs in his life.
I need to become more open. Most older people have a history and exes hanging around somewhere or children with exes and I just need to relax more.
I switched counselors and of course the current one agrees with me - like all the other ones - but that doesnt' help me. I need to work on my jealousy.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
He didn't want to give up anybody because he didn't want to have less friends once we break up.
Nobody should be giving up real friends for a romantic relationship. They shouldn't have to and shouldn't want to. Anyone trying to make their partner give up friends (assuming they're not unhealthy, like promoting drug use, etc) is a sign of a bad match and/or an unhealthy relationship, IMO. Friendships are critical, we should all be expanding our community, not shrinking it (again, assuming these are real friends - not people trying to bang us, or ones encouraging unhealthy lifestyles).
I had a wonderful man for 1,5 years and it came to an end.
Turns out I am not as awesome as I thought. I used to pick losers because it was easier to focus on somebody elses issues. This time I picked a difficult, but good man, and it turned out that I am the one with the problem.
If I smell that something isn't right or a story doesn't make sense, I am relentless in investigating and figuring out and make my guy uncomfortable with detailed questions. I guess it comes with working in the legal field for 15 years. This mixed with the German bluntness is too much for many Americans. We are just too different in our cultures.
My heart is broken and I am still in shock even though it wasn't a surprise.
He was clinging on to his exes too much and my jealousy couldn't process that. Therefore, he started lying and hiding and his stories started getting fishy. I know he is not a cheater but it just killed me that he is close to other women, especially if there is a sexual history. He kept pressuring me to meet them and hang out with them and I just couldn't. He even showed me the texts to prove there is nothing going on. The elephant in the room grew and I just couldn't get out of my skin.
He started to withdraw and I couldn't believe that this is all for his 2-3 exes. Less love, less sex, less attention, I got desperate and started getting needy and demanding.
I started to control him which in turn made everything worse. He was a phone addict, on it 24/7 and it bothered the crap out of me. Couldn't even talk to me without interrupting me to text. Every time his phone beeped late night or early morning or 6 times in a row, I wanted to smash it on the wall. Most of the time it wasn't even a woman ... but my mind got so sick over it, I got obsessed. I couldn't even hide my feelings because I started sweating and my face spoke a thousand words. I just wished to be cooler about it.
I am in therapy, seen 3 different counselors for 8 months now and even though they all said he needs to let go of his exes, I know that it is my fault. I handled his OCD and bipolar disease well but I couldn't handle my own damn jealousy. Finding another man over 40 who has no ex wife or kids is probably impossible, why couldn't I handle a few friendly ex gfs????
Just thought I keep you guys updated.
I feel sad that you are in such pain.
Could it also be that being as self-aware as you are, the story you are telling yourself about this relationship is what your subconscious mind wants you to hear and believe. Maybe there is a happier story about who you really are, hidden deeper than you have gone up to now?
Could it also be that being as self-aware as you are, the story you are telling yourself about this relationship is what your subconscious mind wants you to hear and believe. yes.
Maybe there is a happier story about who you really are, hidden deeper than you have gone up to now?
Could you please elaborate?
I usually always look at myself when I have a break up but this is the first time I take the blame.
I want to improve and be a better person every time I am single again. I am not the kind of person who thinks she is awesome and if people don't like me, it is on them. I want to learn and grow and are open to criticizm.
Apparently they hung out once a month and with her brother and his wife and they wanted me to join.
The other ex lives far away now and they mainly text/email about UFC fights.
He was texting way too much. Even when we were driving, he texted. Even when driving in canyons. Texting during dinner. Texting in the bathroom. Mostly to guys though. But I got so paranoid that I demanded to get rid of the women. I got controlling. He started sleeping on the other side, I complained. He wasn't as nice anymore and I complained. He bought an expensive truck, I complained. I complained, complained, complained. About DUMB stuff that was totally irrelevant. And they turned into 4 day fights.
I think if those exes wouldn't be floating around, we would still be happy. I wouldn't want anybody to tell me either whom I can text and whom not. But I would not let my partner go over old flames. Especially not the ones who cheated on me and were never there when I needed help.
You're right that you were getting paranoid. But that doesn't negate the fact that it sounds like he was not really paying attention to YOU since he was texting all the time. If you aren't the person he's most interested in when he's doing stuff with you, then what really is the point? You deserve someone who enjoys being with you and makes you the priority. Not every minute, but at least those times that he has supposedly CHOSEN to be with you! You can do better.
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