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Um, according to the OP his wife is neglecting the kids choosing to spend her time with her friends. The day my dh is complaining that I'm neglecting my kids so I can work you MIGHT have an argument. You don't live in my house. I'm going by what the OP is saying. No one is saying I've checked out. My kids were cared for and my house was cleaned (albeit not by me but that's fine by me. I have much better things to do than mop floors and wash windows but I do appreciated them being clean.). What evidence do you have that I kept my job because I was checking out....FTR, we're talking 20 years ago for me. My kids are adults and I'm still married to their father. Don't worry. I won't hold my breath while I wait for your evidence.
As I said: Men are far less likely to post about such things on BB's but they say them IRL when it's relevant. I've heard plenty of comments from men about other men who choose to spend time on hobbies or work excessive hours instead of spending time with family. As a WM I spend my days with adults and I hear what they say. Men aren't trying to justify what they do because no one is asking them to so this is not a heated debate for them. Working to support a family is a good thing in a mans world but they will make negative comments about men who engage in activities that result in them not having sufficient time with their families. Given that we're going on our personal observations here there's not much to debate. I'll agree men gossip less than women but I've heard plenty of comments about men who would rather play than be a father.
The OP has given us precious little information. He's told us that when he tries to plan activities together, she wants to hang out with her friends. He's also told us more than once he's working 60-80 hours a week. She might very well be spending those 60-80 hours a week with the kids and then when he gets home, she's decided it's time for her to go enjoy herself with her friends.
It's also possible she's just abandoning the children to go out with her friends, but since they're just 9 and 11, I think that children and family services would be called if they were truly left alone that long without supervision. We also haven't heard stories of children having slipping grades and notes home from teachers due to lack of attention on homework since the the home schooling ended. Housework may be easier, but homework for children is much harder since children tend to have much more of it than they did even 10-15 years ago.
The OP has given us precious little information. He's told us that when he tries to plan activities together, she wants to hang out with her friends. He's also told us more than once he's working 60-80 hours a week. She might very well be spending those 60-80 hours a week with the kids and then when he gets home, she's decided it's time for her to go enjoy herself with her friends.
It's also possible she's just abandoning the children to go out with her friends, but since they're just 9 and 11, I think that children and family services would be called if they were truly left alone that long without supervision. We also haven't heard stories of children having slipping grades and notes home from teachers due to lack of attention on homework since the the home schooling ended. Housework may be easier, but homework for children is much harder since children tend to have much more of it than they did even 10-15 years ago.
Yes, there are huge gaps in the OP's description of the situation, and asking questions didn't always get a response. And more recently, he seems to have abandoned the thread. So all we can do is hope for the best for both parties, and for the kids, as well.
The OP has given us precious little information. He's told us that when he tries to plan activities together, she wants to hang out with her friends. He's also told us more than once he's working 60-80 hours a week. She might very well be spending those 60-80 hours a week with the kids and then when he gets home, she's decided it's time for her to go enjoy herself with her friends.
It's also possible she's just abandoning the children to go out with her friends, but since they're just 9 and 11, I think that children and family services would be called if they were truly left alone that long without supervision. We also haven't heard stories of children having slipping grades and notes home from teachers due to lack of attention on homework since the the home schooling ended. Housework may be easier, but homework for children is much harder since children tend to have much more of it than they did even 10-15 years ago.
I agree. We don't have much to go on other than the house is a mess and she spends too much time shopping with friends. I do wonder where they kids are when she's out shopping. I would like more information but I can only go by what the OP posts. According to him the house is a mess and she's spending too much time out with friends. The fact she's refusing counseling is a BIG RED FLAG IMO. When one partner wants to go to counseling and the other does not it's usually because they're afraid they'll be called out. When dh wanted to go to counseling I was all for it. I knew the counselor would be all over HIM and he was. In fact all three counselors we saw (because the other ones weren't any good) were all over him. While the person suggesting counseling isn't always in the right, someone refusing counseling is doing so to hide something.
Seriously? I was baby sitting for pay at 10. An 11 year old is certainly old enough to be left in charge for a short time. However, wasn't home schooling mentioned earlier?
Um, according to the OP his wife is neglecting the kids choosing to spend her time with her friends. The day my dh is complaining that I'm neglecting my kids so I can work you MIGHT have an argument. You don't live in my house. I'm going by what the OP is saying. No one is saying I've checked out. My kids were cared for and my house was cleaned (albeit not by me but that's fine by me. I have much better things to do than mop floors and wash windows but I do appreciated them being clean.). What evidence do you have that I kept my job because I was checking out....FTR, we're talking 20 years ago for me. My kids are adults and I'm still married to their father. Don't worry. I won't hold my breath while I wait for your evidence.
Wow. Once again, you've missed my point.
I would be the LAST person to suggest that another (working) mom neglects her kids. Unless, of course, I had ample evidence, which neither you, nor I, nor anyone else here has of the OPs wife. You say yourself we have little to go by. No?
I would be the LAST person to suggest that another (working) mom neglects her kids. Unless, of course, I had ample evidence, which neither you, nor I, nor anyone else here has of the OPs wife. You say yourself we have little to go by. No?
No, you missed mine. Her dh is on here complaining. When mine complains unlike her, I'll listen. When mine wanted to go to counseling, I went. We can only go by what we are given from the person living with her. If her not cleaning the house and spending her time shopping with friends is a problem for him then it's a problem for their marriage.
The OP didn't say the house was a mess. He said she's spending less time cleaning and cooking than before. That could mean almost anything. We don't know if the OP has a legit complaint, or if "everything was fine" for him the last 10 years because his wife was doing everything--all the chores, cooking, AND homeschooling the kids. Back then, his job was a more regular 8-hr. day more or less, until he got off an hourly wage to salary and much more responsibility, it sounds like (which is what's paying the big bucks, according to his story). Her days were almost 24/7. So sure from his perspective, "everything was fine".
Naturally he's going to be upset that he no longer has a full-time cook and homemaker AND a full-time teacher for his kids. (Not to mention the part-time income-generating work she was doing.) "Everything was fine" for HIM in the first decade, but we've inferred by reading between the lines that it wasn't at all fine for her. So she's dialed back her level of activity in the home. That may be reasonable, or it may not, we don't have enough info by which to judge.
Similarly, we don't know if the reason she refuses to go to marriage counseling is because she feels she'll get pressured to be Supermom again, and feels that he should be more understanding of her 10+-year struggle, or if she's trying to dodge a legitimate complaint.
And speaking of dodging, the OP stopped participating on the thread once the general gist of the posts moved toward concluding that the wife must have burned out on everything she was expected to juggle, and posters started asking for more clarification in that vein. It looks like this is one topic that will go unresolved and never fully understood.
Okay thanks everyone I do appreciate all the advice. My wife is great otherwise but even after talking to her recently she sees nothing wrong. I do help out in the home insofar as cleaning up after myself but she would do most of the other stuff. I asked her what she wants and she said "to relax and shop".
No, you missed mine. Her dh is on here complaining. When mine complains unlike her, I'll listen. When mine wanted to go to counseling, I went. We can only go by what we are given from the person living with her. If her not cleaning the house and spending her time shopping with friends is a problem for him then it's a problem for their marriage.
Thanks, at least you are one that listens. I think it's unfair to get upset at me for this. Had she had a problem with the way things were she should have told me.
OP, who makes dinner and does laundry and watches the kids after school? How do they get to their vaious kid activities? What is the childcare situation over the summer? Just curious.
Okay thanks everyone I do appreciate all the advice. My wife is great otherwise but even after talking to her recently she sees nothing wrong. I do help out in the home insofar as cleaning up after myself but she would do most of the other stuff. I asked her what she wants and she said "to relax and shop".
Her doing everything else, but now finding time to "relax and shop as well* is a change in the relationship. You don't like it. You say she sees nothing wrong.
She's no longer the same person you married. After this many years full of different experiences, it's not that surprising that people no longer see each other as the same as when they married.
The only question left seems to be, are you willing to accept these changes?
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I'm going by what the OP is saying. No one is saying I've checked out. My kids were cared for and my house was cleaned (albeit not by me but that's fine by me. I have much better things to do than mop floors and wash windows but I do appreciated them being clean.). What evidence do you have that I kept my job because I was checking out....FTR, we're talking 20 years ago for me. My kids are adults and I'm still married to their father. Don't worry. I won't hold my breath while I wait for your evidence. 
