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What is the normal order from a relationship to marriage?
We have been together for 15 months. And now he wants to move together. But I want to get engaged first. Which should come first? Moving together or get engaged?
Whatever you and he decide.
The great thing about life and being an adult is you get to decide what is appropriate for you.
I really don't know how to talk to him again. I am not good at bringing this things up....I don't think woman should bring it up, right?
50/50 is the only relationship women/men should be accepting.
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Originally Posted by dbwindyusa1221
Thank you reneeh63, I will ask him in this way. Do you think 15 months is a little short for engagement?
I think 15 months is a long time to not have any idea where the relationship is going. I do wonder about his history with women in the past.
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Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
Or he wants one last opportunity to run and not fully commit.
Yep, the old "keeping his options open". I guess the 15 months they have been going to together wasn't long enough to explore all the other options!
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Originally Posted by reneeh63
You know, engagements CAN be broken...and you can have a written contract that if that happens you get the ring back if THAT'S what you're worried about. Well, unless you cheat or something....
That makes me wonder why the male doesn't want to get even engaged. It doesn't seem like marriage is anywhere in the plan to me.
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Originally Posted by dbwindyusa1221
That is possible. I will never know and I don't want to ask. For me, he is the one.
And, he probably has guessed that knowing that whatever he offers, he is "the one". You aren't in a good position if you are expressing this and he isn't.
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Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
I would rather take my chances, get married, and get divorced if necessary instead of having a "Let's play house and test each other out" trial period. But to each his own. Good luck with whatever you decide, OP!
Times 2.
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Originally Posted by dbwindyusa1221
His idea to move together. Because he wants to see how's things going when we live together. Like a trial before marriage.
It's right. Engaged doesn't mean anything. I just want to move forward saying marriage is the goal. But marriage is a new beginning... So maybe having a trial is a good thing?
Ever hear the saying "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" It an oldie and a goody. Has this guy said anything about marriage being the goal. If he doesn't want to even get engaged after 15 months, how long will this trial last.
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Originally Posted by CSD610
So you are good enough to share household chores and debt but not marry let alone be committed to each other with a formal engagement.
Personally, I have never lived in the same home with a man who was not my husband, you know the
old world way of doing things. Meet, date, get engaged, get married, then move into the same home.....
Times 2.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dbwindyusa1221
Well, he has a house and everything. For me, I just need to pay some utilities. I said I can pay some rent. He said not necessary. For us, he almost covered everything for housing.
Just ask yourself, as time goes on, what happens the day he sits you down and says "This isn't working." Where do you go from there? I take it that you will be providing perhaps housekeeping, cooking and other "services"? When you are married, there is a division of assets at the end but just living to together, you'll be shown the door empty handed at his discretion.
While this is your choice, you are no position to bargain with him the way I see it. Just a hint, there is no "one" out there. If you aren't comfortable moving in together and just give in because you believe this, you may spend years "giving in".
Good luck, but I wouldn't settle if it were me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
So you'd have to uproot yourself and move into his house and then if things don't work out, you'd have to move out again. My cousin has been living with her boyfriend in his house for a few years now, and I'm sure she prefers that to what she could afford on her own. But she does want to get married. Of course he hasn't proposed yet. And why should he? He knows she's not going anywhere.
I don't know about this. He already owns his own home and he wants you to move into it without any sort of assurances from him that marriage is in the cards AND he thinks an engagement is a "huge step."
You sound like you want to get married. I tell you what, if you move in with him now, he will not marry you. At least, not on any sort of timeline that will satisfy you.
Perhaps you are better off to say that you really love him and know he's the one, but you're not going to be comfortable living together until you two are engaged with the goal being to get married. Tell him you understand that being engaged still doesn't mean that you'll ultimately get married, but you need to know he's marriage-minded before you move in with him.
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He said he's not comfortable to get engaged now but comfortable to move together. Is it ridiculous!!
Personally, and thats just my Scorpio self, that would be a warning sign for me- that Im not good enough to get engaged to, ok to live with (for the easy access to sex, housekeeping and cooking?!!- those are just assumptions, but sadly in this day and age probably generally correct ..?)
Personally, and thats just my Scorpio self, that would be a warning sign for me- that Im not good enough to get engaged to, ok to live with (for the easy access to sex, housekeeping and cooking?!!- those are just assumptions, but sadly in this day and age probably generally correct ..?)
Same here.
I'm getting the feeling that he doesn't want to "go public" with an engagement to the OP because he's not planning to get married any time soon, but it sure would be nice to see if she'll play house for awhile.
__________________
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Personally, and thats just my Scorpio self, that would be a warning sign for me- that Im not good enough to get engaged to, ok to live with (for the easy access to sex, housekeeping and cooking?!!- those are just assumptions, but sadly in this day and age probably generally correct ..?)
But why is it a case of she's not "good enough"? He may just not know whether HE'S ready for marriage or not...even if it were the secret unlikely love child of Halle Berry, Jennifer Lawrence and Einstein who was his fiance. Even if it were literally the most amazing woman on earth in question here, he may need to see how HE feels, behaves, upholds his part of things, and how things go in a living-together situation. That doesn't mean she's not good enough. It means he needs to be sure about both of them being able to do this as a permanent, legal thing. Both of them..meaning him, too. I don't see anything wrong with that. In fact, I think it's smart.
Too many of us jump into things like marriage, kids, homeownership, or some other permanent or at least semi-permanent (and legal) long-term responsibility thinking oh, it will be okay, I know I'm a good person, I know I'll step up to the plate...then when we're in the midst of it we're drowning, not performing anything like we wish we could, disappointed, and wishing we had a clock to turn back time with.
I don't see anything wrong with the process taking a few years considering ideally, the marriage would be, by comparison, for an entire lifetime. What's the rush, given that?
What is the normal order from a relationship to marriage?
We have been together for 15 months. And now he wants to move together. But I want to get engaged first. Which should come first? Moving together or get engaged?
There is no calendar. Either it feels right to move ahead or it doesn't. But if you don't sense some kind of progress in your relationship over time, don't be one of those sad sacks who tried to make it work for years only to get dumped.
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I really don't know how to talk to him again. I am not good at bringing this things up....I don't think woman should bring it up, right?
Well, unless you cheat or something....
