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Then they need to live with the consequences, which are LONG droughts and chronic singleness.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with that if that's what YOU want.
Common sense tells me that the people who are complaining about it, are probably not happy about that and that's not what they want. Or else, they wouldn't be complaining about it....
I do get the fear of rejection. I really do. But there is no reward without risk. I just had a long conversation with a friend about something unrelated and he motivated my boyfriend and I to put our art out there. I mean, he got us really amped. And he made the analogy of seeing 50 women in the club. He's gonna ask all 50. If he gets rejected, he moves on to the next one. He said nobody ever died from a no. Us women don't bite. So what is so scary about approaching us?
Most people I know only have a fear of looking like an idiot if things went bad ( in front of people in public for example ) it's only when I came to CD I learned about or heard of fear of rejection and more importantly the depth that comes with it.
Your analogy above is cold approaching and even for the best it's a lottery because you know nothing about them so you're going in blind sort of thing and could go either way.
If you can read or can understand body language, pick up social cues, timing, engage a little etc then there are more simple and fruitful ways than cold approaching that doesn't have the air of uncertainty about it and you won't really leave yourself open and have these fears.
I had a moment when I was really young and had these worries but knew I'd have to face up to them and embrace it and I've not looked back, if the willingness to change and step out of your comfort zone is there then you'll do well
Quote:
Originally Posted by 49erfan916
Because women prefer to be left alone more times than not.
This is more often than not when blokes don't open their eyes and acknowledge the fact she's busy, with kids etc and tend to pick the worst possible time and situation to approach
@Atlguy, this has been said here for years; you must have read this a dozen times, at least. What's the point in hanging one's self esteem on the response of a stranger? Think about it--how much sense does that make? You (anyone) should know going in that it's a long shot to get a favorable response. It's worth a try, but "no, thank you" doesn't mean you're a worthless human being. More or less the same would be true even with a casual acquaintance.
And conversely, if a woman you weren't interested in approached you to chat, then asked you to coffee, would that make your self esteem soar? Probably, it wouldn't mean anything to you. So why give any more weight to the opposite situation, where you're the one asking someone to hang out?
Exactly. This is a BIG problem a lot of people seem to have. If someone says no, it's not always personal. If someone is anything like me and doesn't want be bothered at all, they'll say no to ANYONE.
The reason why the men who arent affected by this are so successful because they don't allow people to have so much power over them. Why? Because everyone is flawed in some way and there are millions of people out there. People are entitled to like what they like, and if it isn't you. Oh well.
From the perspective of the one making the advance, I'm giving you the most vulnerable part of myself that I don't give to everyone and to be told that that isn't good enough for your standards feels like a rejection. Say don't take it personally until the cows come home but that it what I feel like when it happens.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011
Asking someone out isn't giving someone a vulnerable part of yourself. Maybe that's the crux of the issue, is you are mentally thinking you're investing something that you actually aren't.
Being vulnerable usually involves letting your guard down, opening up and sharing thoughts and feelings that you don't reveal to everyone. Asking someone out for a drink on Friday is none of that. It is merely a question, and the response doesn't define you as a person.
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Originally Posted by somebodynew
I am not saying don't take it personally. I am saying learn not to be vulnerable until you have a partner worthy of that gift. Vulnerably is something you actually can control. Trust me. I know.
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Originally Posted by The Dissenter
Easy for you to say. When I reveal that I have romantic intent to someone, I AM letting my guard down because I have to prepare for the fact they may not share my intent which will hurt me. I don't know what your definition of vulnerable is, but that is my definition.
Don't define me as a person? Are you kidding me?! Posters here crap on me all the time in this forum for my inability to get dates.
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Originally Posted by gazzaa2
If you ask a girl out who has a boyfriend then you feel awful and stupid for bothering her (assuming she's not just saying it to get rid of you which is even worse). If you ask a girl out who is single and she says no then you feel bad for not being good enough for her.
The guys who are a successful at it just don't give a **** and will happily take 20 rejections just to get 1 yes (and she could flake, give a fake number etc anyway).. This is the PUA mentality. A lot of men though are more sensitive. If I got 20 rejections i'd have no soul left to ask the 21st. A woman who is approached regularly often won't have the empathy to realise how hard it is for many men to approach because it isn't something they need to think about.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew
What is really challenging with you is that you are clearly a good dude. But you have this massive mind block around the idea that your own vulnerability around something as meaningless as asking someone on a date is probably the most significant reason you can't get a date. For the rest of the known world, asking and saying yes or no is a totally trivial event. And if you could get to that attitude, your waft would be totally different. And dollars gets you donuts, that would result in dates.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gazzaa2
It's easier said than done though for guys who are shy, lacking in social skills, short of confidence or have social anxiety problems
The guys who are carefree and don't give a damn are going to be more successful at it, that's quite obvious. It's not easy for all of us to get to that mindset.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew
It is SIMPLE but not easy. The thing that I don't understand is how many guys who are shy, lacking in social skills or have anxiety problems choose to just complain instead of addressing the problems that they know they have? I mean the poster to whom I replied does not want a relationship. Yet he comes on here complaining about how women are awful and it is easier to just be single. But if he felt that way in truth, he would not have the need to complain.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 49ersfan27
I take rejection personally. Said person is saying you aren't good enough for them and I feel that they dislike me. Hard to not take that personally. It's why I have never put myself out there much.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 49ersfan27
It's not what you say, it's how you say it. A lot of women are rude when rejecting man I get it many of you thinking you're better than the men who approach you and how dare he enter your space. But of course I'll be dismissed as wrong despite me experiencing it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew
Why would you care? I am being completely serious. People are rude to me all the time. There was this guy who was yelling out the window at me the other day. You know how bad it made me feel? Not At All. He called me the b word and the w word. I know those things are not who I am. I actually don't believe you are wrong. People can be rude jerks. So what? All they have told you by being rude jerks is that you dodged a bullet. If they had said yes, you would have to have a date with a rude jerk.
Who are you 49? Do you believe it? Or does some rude jerk get to tell you who you are?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
@Atlguy, this has been said here for years; you must have read this a dozen times, at least. What's the point in hanging one's self esteem on the response of a stranger? Think about it--how much sense does that make? You (anyone) should know going in that it's a long shot to get a favorable response. It's worth a try, but "no, thank you" doesn't mean you're a worthless human being. More or less the same would be true even with a casual acquaintance.
And conversely, if a woman you weren't interested in approached you to chat, then asked you to coffee, would that make your self esteem soar? Probably, it wouldn't mean anything to you. So why give any more weight to the opposite situation, where you're the one asking someone to hang out?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish
There are many reasons why I have turned down dates with men that have nothing personally to do with the man who asked me out. They were about me and not about him personally.
Looking back, most of my date rejections were cold approaches from men who didn't know that I was in a relationship or interested in someone else.
The other times were just different issues like bad timing. I can only think of a few times when I turned a man down because I didn't like something about him.
Most dates were from men who had spoken to me enough to have a pretty good idea that I was single and receptive to them.
Ok... Ok... A few things.
I can understand the fear of rejection a little bit. What it takes is a little bit of reframing. And it is easy to take it personally. But one of the best ways to overcome the fear of rejection and the hurt that comes with rejection is to be educated on the many different reasons that people reject someone.
I guarantee you that more times than not it has very little if anything to do with the person getting rejected. It has pretty much everything to do with the person that rejected.
For those of you that get rejected, I am going to tell you the reason that you got rejected. Are you ready, I hope you are because this is going to hit you a bit.
Breathe
The reason you got rejected is that you two were not a match. This is nothing to do with you being good enough. And to those that are rude to you about it, yes that is painful, but in the end, that says much more about the person than you.
Okay, I know what y'all are thinking.
OH YOU CAN TALK BUT YOU DON'T EVEN APPROACH WOMEN. YOU GET APPROACHED BY WOMEN ALL THE TIME. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE!!!
Oh believe me, I know what rejection feels like.
WELL HOW CAN YOU BE REJECTED IF YOU DON'T APPROACH?!
I've dealt with something I call aggressive rejection. This is where someone goes out of her way to find me and tell me that she does not like me or think I'm attractive. I didn't ask her. I wasn't thinking about her. She wasn't my type. I was stuck thinking "What would possess her to go out of her way to tell me off and say she does not like me?" I didn't even know she existed.
Of course, my inclination was to figure, "Damn, am I that ugly?!" I mean, if this rather ogre looking woman can go out of her way to tell me that she thinks I'm trash, then I have no chance in the dating game, Right? But a few days later, I had a really attractive (to me) woman make the moves on me and was really kindhearted and showed that she was very interested in me. This showed me that different people are attracted to different things.
Now!!! I say this. For most of the people in the world, there is someone who finds you attractive. There is going to be people who don't. That's ok. No one is going to be attractive to everyone. In fact, no one is going to be attractive to most people. For those of you that are getting 20 or more rejections, I actually understand you. This is about where I would retreat and figure out where I am going wrong. But then again, if you're doing cold approaches, then you're going to have a higher rejection rate. If I ask someone out, it is more likely to be someone whom I have talked to a bit and built some kind of rapport with.
I do get the fear of rejection. I really do. But there is no reward without risk. I just had a long conversation with a friend about something unrelated and he motivated my boyfriend and I to put our art out there. I mean, he got us really amped. And he made the analogy of seeing 50 women in the club. He's gonna ask all 50. If he gets rejected, he moves on to the next one. He said nobody ever died from a no. Us women don't bite. So what is so scary about approaching us?
I. And he made the analogy of seeing 50 women in the club. He's gonna ask all 50. If he gets rejected, he moves on to the next one. He said nobody ever died from a no. Us women don't bite. So what is so scary about approaching us?
In college, I got sick of living in fear and never dating. I started asking out every girl at a party or bar who was not with someone. I got rejected 90% or more of the time. I expected the less attractive girls woudl all say yes - 100% said no. Only fairly to highly attractive girls ever said yes. However many of the gave me fake phone numbers (Rape hotline number written on the back of my check book with lipstick - that was an awkward phone call). I di get to go on quite a few dates, but they were gnereally bad/awkward. After a while I learned I had a reputation and not a good one, so I stopped. Funny thing was I immediately went right back to being a scardy cat. From there on, I only dated people I already knew well from some event or organization. That lasted right up until my wife walked up to me and my friend in a bar and asked if she and her friend could put their coats on the extra chairs at our table.
I do get the fear of rejection. I really do. But there is no reward without risk. I just had a long conversation with a friend about something unrelated and he motivated my boyfriend and I to put our art out there. I mean, he got us really amped. And he made the analogy of seeing 50 women in the club. He's gonna ask all 50. If he gets rejected, he moves on to the next one. He said nobody ever died from a no. Us women don't bite. So what is so scary about approaching us?
Good boy! I like that.
I am sick and tired of whiners. If you don't try to get what you want, you deserve to be alone.
The reasons are not limited to males or females. We all share the same feelings and fears in regards to rejection.
There are some very interesting and compelling reason why a male or female specifically would have difficulty in approaching the opposite sex, but that type of talk is usually frowned on here because it always devolves in to a pointless gender bashing session between members who have difficulties separating emotions from responses.
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