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I've already said plenty of times that I'm with a man who neither attracted nor repulsed me up front, but as I got to know him more and more, and especially as we continued being sexually intimate, he became more and more attractive to me, beautiful to my eyes.
I am aware that my lady friends don't necessarily agree, but I don't have any interest in the men THEY like, so it's very subjective stuff.
Almost every man, if I am available and looking, starts out at a "maybe" place, and from there, factors nudge the "maybe" to "yes" or to "no."
Instant "no" factors:
- Poor self control. Mostly with regard to temper, or addiction to mind altering drugs or alcohol abuse. Violent anger is the quickest way to me wanting nothing to do with a man.
- Scornful or judgmental of other people, in unfair ways. Not willing to socialize, racist or a bigot in any manner.
- Too pretty, and obviously aware of it. I don't like men who think they are hot sht. I like quiet confidence, not swagger.
- Stupid. It's a hard limit.
- Jealousy or controlling or possessive behavior.
- Any kind of shame or disgust about sex (directed either inward or outward.)
- Men who spew drama on social media, or who are obviously struggling to make sense of life or love...this is a big one that divides friends from "more." A guy who writes about a breakup on social media, a guy who is forever talking about his mental health issues, guys who clearly need someone to lean on, HARD... I can be supportive as your friend, but I will not be in a relationship with you and your problems. I've got enough of my own to deal with, no bandwidth to carry a bunch more.
- Men who are incompatible because of political or religious affiliation (if it's an important part of their lives.)
- Men who have children that they are involved in raising.
- Men who are TOO similar to me in terms of personality, to the point where we always agree and know what one another is thinking...too predictable, and it gets boring. There has to be the right balance of similar and different.
- Men whose scent or taste put me off. I've had a guy go from "maybe" to "nope" during a first kiss, because of scent or taste. And it's not that they were stinky or had bad breath, I believe it is actual chemical compatibility stuff. I suddenly feel very, "I like you but I never want to kiss you again, let alone have sex with you."
- If I do not feel available, like if I'm in a committed relationship, I may feel friendly, fond, or even flirty with a man, but I don't feel any real desire for him (men outside of my relationship.)
- In a few cases, sexual conversation has revealed that a man who may have been a sex candidate, had incompatible habits, preferences or kinks, and thereafter I had no interest. I almost went on a first date with a hot man in Denver, until he told me he liked to tie women up and shave off all their hair. NopeNopeNopeNope...
If none of those "no" factors is present, then "yes" factors, such as personality and compatibility, can drive the interaction toward something sexual and/or romantic. But if any of the "no" cards gets played, the game is over.
When you have a friend of the opposite sex you usually get along well and have a connection with that person have similliar interests etc
What makes a person who you connect with a potential person you could have a relationship with and not the friend?
Is it a lack of physical attraction? Something else? Both?
Lack of sexual attraction or sexual tension.
For example, I have. guy I have been friends with for almost 20 years now. He is attractive, but I am not attracted. Haven't ever thought - I wonder what it would be like to kiss him. When we hug, I am just nit interested in tht way. It is tricky because if I go out withhim alone, people think we are dating. And on paper he is a great match for me. But I do not want to date him.
I should point out, that when I first met him, I also thought he was cute. But after chatting with him, I wasn't interested. We didn't become friends right after meeting, but we had mutual friends and started hanging out.
This is the case for me too. The only thing that separates a friend from a potential lover is the attraction aspect. I have plenty of male friends, however, the only ones I care to attempt to move forward with are those I'm attracted to. The personality part is covered, because they wouldn't be my friend to begin with if we didn't get along.
This is theoretical and rather long past for me, but here it goes.
1) Relationship status. You have to be single, never married.
2) Intelligent but kind. I might like talking with a snarky person, and have a great sense of humor, but someone who is egotistical or cutting in his remarks of others is a no go.
3) Employed and good with money. You don’t have to be wealthy, but a layabout or someone who is just foolish with what he earns isn’t a good bet long term. They can be fun friends and I’ve had a few, but it’s danger territory for a mate when I’m looking for someone stable, responsible, and family oriented.
4) Similar political and religious views. This is an absolute deal breaker, because it can get so ugly once raising kids is involved and two sets of beliefs set us at odds. I absolutely love having a diversity of friends and a good and stirring difference of opinion, but I won’t date that and certainly won’t marry it.
5). Good hygiene. You don’t have to be gorgeous and please no high maintenance, but wear clean clothes, maintain clean teeth, and use plenty of deodorant and showers as needed. For friends? I’m not making out with you or sleeping with you so it is less of a thing.
In reality higher earning power probably played into it, as did self confidence and a clean history (no drama please!). But I’m not picky on what a lot of the discontented males around this site seem to assume women are. Smart, nice, self confident, clean, and with similar goals and values to mine? I’ll give you a second look. And I did, more than one
I'm not buying the character argument tbh. I see way too many girls with people that are horrible for them to buy into it.
Yes, well, if they discount the importance of character they deserve what they get down the road. Character is KEY. I was not physically attracted to my husband when I met him, though he grew on me very much as we got closer. But he was an amazing human being and got better the better I knew him. That MADE him handsome and desirable. And we are still extremely happy years later.
I passed over several men who were asses. It is a choice I’ve never ever regretted.
Status:
"Just livin' day by day"
(set 27 days ago)
Location: USA
3,166 posts, read 3,362,200 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shysister
My sentiments exactly! There was one guy that was very much in love with me and would always ask why I wouldn't be in a relationship with him and I'm like dude you have cheated on every girlfriend you've had. While I know you love me but once you get comfortable in the relationship you're going to cheat and I'm not going to play myself into thinking otherwise. Then the fact that he was very irresponsible when it came to money and never held a job at one place for very long without changing career paths on a whim.
There are specific things I need in a partner that I will not waiver where as friendships aren't held in that same regard since I won't be combining assets, blinding families, etc. with a "friend"
Hear ya there girl! I currently have a man that is very much in love with me it seems. He'd like for us to get married. I've already told him my reasons that it wasn't going to happen. His major issue is being an absolute slob with no desire of keeping his home in somewhat tidy order. I offered to help him clean up, he refused even if it was trash thrown all over the place. He does match the characteristics of a hoarder although it's nothing bad compared to what I've witnessed on that TV show Hoarders.
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