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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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What age do men start getting shamed? I'm 46 and clearly haven't reached it yet.
Who pushed me to have kids?
Normal isn't a construct though, not if you think of it scientifically from a statistical point of view. There is a normal distribution, aka a bell curve. That isn't a societal construct.
Call it what you will. I'm just sick and tired of the assumption that x or y is 'healthy' or 'normal' and anyone outside those parameters needs therapy to help them get with the programme and be like everyone else, sometimes at the expense of being themselves.
That's fine. But common sense check here..... if you don't want to read about relationships...... then don't read the Relationship subforum?
Cmon. If you don't like Dogs don't go to the Dog subforum, if you hate traveling don't go in the Travel subforum......
You are intentionally seeking out information then claiming offense.
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Nope, and I agree with whole forget normal..... but I'll take healthy.
I started off attachment avoidant through most of my 20s and partly into my 30s, but worked through that over time.
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As an aside, I'm curious at the choice of words. Bad at committing to a relationship means, to me, making at commitment and being bad at it. There is loads of that out there. Being very selective isn't being bad at committing to relationships, that's a good thing, committing willy nilly is the negative. Unless I see potential for the relationship I want (a lifetime relationship with marriage), then I see no reason to commit. That's going to be an extremely rare event.
How do you "Fix" yourself? I should read this, as I'm sure I have this! Need to let go of fear of being trapped or making the wrong decision? I'm hoping there will be some responses here.....thanks for bringing it up?
Maybe not so much as "fix yourself" as in finding the root cause. This usually requires some kind of therapy.
Call it what you will. I'm just sick and tired of the assumption that x or y is 'healthy' or 'normal' and anyone outside those parameters needs therapy to help them get with the programme and be like everyone else, sometimes at the expense of being themselves.
Well, do you and be you. People are different, and there are some people who actually want to "get with the programme and be like everyone else". This thread is probably more for them than people like you and me.
So let's shout it from the mountaintops.
I AM ME and ME is I!!!
But let's make sure that we are not trying to convince ourselves.
OP, I agree with much of this. My parents were not emotionally available and I grew up lonely. Didn't help that we lived in a military town and people moved in and out with alarming irregularity. I'd make a friend, and one day they just wouldn't show up at school, never to be heard from again.
I know that led to issues with my husband. I'm not sure my avoidance of attachment has really prevented me from forming a loving relationship since then. Most of the guys I've met since are far more avoidant than I am. I think women have more strategies for coping with this kind of thing than men do.
However, it has led to me having challenges making casual friends, especially with women. People always move on, and for a while I was very hurt by it. Or I would make efforts to form relationships, only to find out that the other person had no interest in connecting with me. To the point where i just stopped trying so hard.
Normal isn't a construct though, not if you think of it scientifically from a statistical point of view. There is a normal distribution, aka a bell curve. That isn't a societal construct.
I was talking about "normal" in a "peer pressure" sense. Basically, being what the society says you have to be: married or at least in a serious relationship, if you're a man in your 30's. I wasn't talking about "normal" in a statistical sense: closer to the median than the outliers.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 03-12-2018 at 06:22 PM..
Hah. I'm reading the book about this concept, "Attached" - I took the quiz and ended up with roughly the same number of points for avoidant, anxious and secure relationship types. Go figure.
I find the premise of the book problematic - that everyone deep down wants to be partnered in a loving relationship. Um, maybe some people just want to do their own thing? It also asserts that you rarely change your relationship type and there's little crossover between the three categories.
However, it has good insights about conducting yourself in a relationship, and even if ultimately I don't necessarily want to be in one, those skills are just good for life in general.
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