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This sounds a lot like many people coming onto this subsection of the forum asking for relationship 'advice.'
It is the reason why some people just cannot seem to maintain a healthy relationship, nor find a relationship partner in the first place. It is the reason why people keep making the same unhealthy mistakes time after time in choice of a partner.
The answer is simple, if anyone has issues with relationships in general or finding the 'right' person, the first thing you need to do is to fix yourself. Acknowledge your short comings and understand your past history and then go from there.
"Insecure attachment styles, such as avoidant attachment, usually stem from some sort of early trauma," she said. "When our needs aren't met consistently by our primary caregivers, we form the belief that they won't be met by any significant other, [and] that we can't ever rely on others."
Essentially, it is a defense mechanism, and people with avoidant attachment style may completely avoid relationships altogether, or keep anyone new they meet at a distance. They may sabotage their blossoming romances out of nowhere, because they are scared their new partner will leave them — so they get in there first.
"This is an unconscious attempt to make sure that they never again go through anything like they went through with their original caregiver," Abrams said. "The irony is that by engaging in these defenses that we've learned we are actually recreating the very thing we were trying to avoid."
How do you "Fix" yourself? I should read this, as I'm sure I have this! Need to let go of fear of being trapped or making the wrong decision? I'm hoping there will be some responses here.....thanks for bringing it up?
Call it what you will. I'm just sick and tired of the assumption that x or y is 'healthy' or 'normal' and anyone outside those parameters needs therapy to help them get with the programme and be like everyone else, sometimes at the expense of being themselves.
Call it what you will. I'm just sick and tired of the assumption that x or y is 'healthy' or 'normal' and anyone outside those parameters needs therapy to help them get with the programme and be like everyone else, sometimes at the expense of being themselves.
Healthy and normal are different.
I'm no fan of being normal
Of course I prefer to be healthy
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetdreams2013
I don't know. They seem pretty synonymous to me.
They most definitely aren't synonymous. I'd be more likely to argue what we see as the norm (in a bell curve definition) is more likely to be unhealthy.
Of course, there can be normal and healthy, and outsides the norm and healthy, or vice versa.
As an aside, I'm curious at the choice of words. Bad at committing to a relationship means, to me, making at commitment and being bad at it. There is loads of that out there. Being very selective isn't being bad at committing to relationships, that's a good thing, committing willy nilly is the negative. Unless I see potential for the relationship I want (a lifetime relationship with marriage), then I see no reason to commit. That's going to be an extremely rare event.
"Healthy" and "normal" are societal constructs. Society comes up with these ideas to suit its own needs (with "its own" being the government and big corporations) rather than the needs of the people. Consider how single men over certain age always get shamed. Does shaming work? Enough for society to keep doing it. Why does it happen? Because married men have to work more to support their wife and kids, thus producing more tax revenue. Not to mention the expenditures on Valentine's Day, Sweetest Day, Christmas, birthdays, and anniversaries, which drives revenue to large corporations and produces sales taxes.
Also consider why society pushes having kids, hmm? (All while failing to keep childcare costs down, but that's a whole 'nother topic.) It needs people to keep producing fresh revenue meat---new people that will buy, sell, and work. "Family values" is a little more than a transparent facade. Therefore, a family is with kids is the only definition of a healthy and/or normal family .
So therefore, society pushes very specific definition of "normal" and "healthy", and vehemently denies anything else fitting into that.
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