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I guess I am just looking for some advice as I am so conflicted. So here goes. My wife had been spending time with her sisters husband(our brother in law) for weekly runs. My wife was very transparent with me about heading out for them. Our BIL then started asking her to go during the week and to not tell her sister as it was during work hours. My wife told me about the runs and I was fine with it, though I commented that it seemed a little odd that he was hiding this from his wife and attempting to make it their little secret. Anyways, this goes on for a little and at some point my wife's sister finds out about the weekday runs and gets upset at her husband. He doubles down and only tells her about a couple of the runs and asks my wife to cover for him. For some reason my wife covers and backs his story to her sister. Her sister is pissed and tells my wife that her husband is acting all shady and not just about the running.
I then tell my wife that this seems really weird and she tells me that they are just running and everyone is acting weird. She acts if it is ok to keep going and I say that it is as long as her sister is aware. I implicitly trust my wife and BIL. Well, a few weeks back they are going to go and I comment on whether or not her sister knows and my wife has no idea. She then comments that everyone is acting so weird as they are just running and its not like they are having an affair. She leaves and comes back an hour later and freaks out that he told her he felt like kissing her in a text right after the run. She is very upset and I get upset, she swears nothing ever happened and that she had no idea and felt sick over the whole thing. She said she got the text, called him immediately and freaked out on him.
Well, I ended up looking at her text history at this point and phone log. Sure enough there is a text of him saying he wants to kiss her and the phone log backs up a call right after that was less then a minute. He also texts to make sure that she erases the text before going home and that they should just forget about it. Well I read the rest of the text history and it is literally like he is grooming her with comments about how tough his wife is being, how he wants to run with her all the time, lets not tell people about the run, lots of compliments and messages were he invites her places with his kids and our kids. Messages about them doing activities together. There are also a few lengthy phone calls of 20+ minutes. From what I can tell my wife was on the up and up and constantly said to tell his wife about the runs and was non-responsive to his invites.
My wife and I end up having a massive blowout over how to handle this where she begs me not to say anything to her sister of BIL as it will destroy the whole family. She says nothing happened and that I should just go about my business as if nothing happened. I explain that the fact he thought so little of me and my family that he was willing to try and break it up is unforgivable. It took everything in me to not immediately go to his house, as all I could think was that he was willing to wreck my children's lives(I understand it takes two to tango). My wife claimed that she had no idea of his feelings or how it could have happened, she swore she just listened and didn't talk about our marriage and that she never courted the attention. I do believe it was a low level emotional affair on her part and it was more about having someone to talk to...as she commented on a few occasions that it was nice to have someone to gossip with.
I agree to not say anything to her sister but can't promise I won't say anything to BIL. Well, I see him out and he acts like he is my best buddy. I could't help it and told him that I knew what was up, he crossed alone and to leave my wife and family alone. Well he immediately calls my wife crying that I am going to destroy his marriage and how could I do that to him and his kids. My wife claims I am only upset about the lying and that I don't know about the kiss text. She then blows up at me and we spend the next week basically not talking since I crossed a line saying that to him. I tell her that I could have told her sister and that would be the right thing to do, but have done what she wished and kept it quiet.
Well, I see him at an event and he completely ignores me and avoids me the whole evening. My wife asks if I saw him and I tell her what happened. She then freaks out again that everyone is going to know that something is up and that I have to be normal and just talk to him. She is begging that I break the ice, swallow my pride and start talking to him. I told her that I don't think I can ever do that as this individual was willing to break up my family with his actions and intentions, which in my mind means hurting my children without a care in the world until he got caught. So, I guess I am confused in how I should act. I don't care to ever talk to him again and ultimately he doesn't deserve me wasting my breath. On the other hand my wife is pleading with me to make it normal so the family and her sister don't suspect anything. What the hell am I supposed to do?
I guess I am just looking for some advice as I am so conflicted. So here goes. My wife had been spending time with her sisters husband(our brother in law) for weekly runs. My wife was very transparent with me about heading out for them. Our BIL then started asking her to go during the week and to not tell her sister as it was during work hours. My wife told me about the runs and I was fine with it, though I commented that it seemed a little odd that he was hiding this from his wife and attempting to make it their little secret. Anyways, this goes on for a little and at some point my wife's sister finds out about the weekday runs and gets upset at her husband. He doubles down and only tells her about a couple of the runs and asks my wife to cover for him. For some reason my wife covers and backs his story to her sister. Her sister is pissed and tells my wife that her husband is acting all shady and not just about the running.
I then tell my wife that this seems really weird and she tells me that they are just running and everyone is acting weird. She acts if it is ok to keep going and I say that it is as long as her sister is aware. I implicitly trust my wife and BIL. Well, a few weeks back they are going to go and I comment on whether or not her sister knows and my wife has no idea. She then comments that everyone is acting so weird as they are just running and its not like they are having an affair. She leaves and comes back an hour later and freaks out that he told her he felt like kissing her in a text right after the run. She is very upset and I get upset, she swears nothing ever happened and that she had no idea and felt sick over the whole thing. She said she got the text, called him immediately and freaked out on him.
Well, I ended up looking at her text history at this point and phone log. Sure enough there is a text of him saying he wants to kiss her and the phone log backs up a call right after that was less then a minute. He also texts to make sure that she erases the text before going home and that they should just forget about it. Well I read the rest of the text history and it is literally like he is grooming her with comments about how tough his wife is being, how he wants to run with her all the time, lets not tell people about the run, lots of compliments and messages were he invites her places with his kids and our kids. Messages about them doing activities together. There are also a few lengthy phone calls of 20+ minutes. From what I can tell my wife was on the up and up and constantly said to tell his wife about the runs and was non-responsive to his invites.
My wife and I end up having a massive blowout over how to handle this where she begs me not to say anything to her sister of BIL as it will destroy the whole family. She says nothing happened and that I should just go about my business as if nothing happened. I explain that the fact he thought so little of me and my family that he was willing to try and break it up is unforgivable. It took everything in me to not immediately go to his house, as all I could think was that he was willing to wreck my children's lives(I understand it takes two to tango). My wife claimed that she had no idea of his feelings or how it could have happened, she swore she just listened and didn't talk about our marriage and that she never courted the attention. I do believe it was a low level emotional affair on her part and it was more about having someone to talk to...as she commented on a few occasions that it was nice to have someone to gossip with.
I agree to not say anything to her sister but can't promise I won't say anything to BIL. Well, I see him out and he acts like he is my best buddy. I could't help it and told him that I knew what was up, he crossed alone and to leave my wife and family alone. Well he immediately calls my wife crying that I am going to destroy his marriage and how could I do that to him and his kids. My wife claims I am only upset about the lying and that I don't know about the kiss text. She then blows up at me and we spend the next week basically not talking since I crossed a line saying that to him. I tell her that I could have told her sister and that would be the right thing to do, but have done what she wished and kept it quiet.
Well, I see him at an event and he completely ignores me and avoids me the whole evening. My wife asks if I saw him and I tell her what happened. She then freaks out again that everyone is going to know that something is up and that I have to be normal and just talk to him. She is begging that I break the ice, swallow my pride and start talking to him. I told her that I don't think I can ever do that as this individual was willing to break up my family with his actions and intentions, which in my mind means hurting my children without a care in the world until he got caught. So, I guess I am confused in how I should act. I don't care to ever talk to him again and ultimately he doesn't deserve me wasting my breath. On the other hand my wife is pleading with me to make it normal so the family and her sister don't suspect anything. What the hell am I supposed to do?
Allow me to highlight the red flags of a cheating spouse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReggieBancroft
I guess I am just looking for some advice as I am so conflicted. So here goes. My wife had been spending time with her sisters husband(our brother in law) for weekly runs. My wife was very transparent with me about heading out for them. Our BIL then started asking her to go during the week and to not tell her sister as it was during work hours. My wife told me about the runs and I was fine with it, though I commented that it seemed a little odd that he was hiding this from his wife and attempting to make it their little secret. Anyways, this goes on for a little and at some point my wife's sister finds out about the weekday runs and gets upset at her husband. He doubles down and only tells her about a couple of the runs and asks my wife to cover for him. For some reason my wife covers and backs his story to her sister. Her sister is pissed and tells my wife that her husband is acting all shady and not just about the running.
I then tell my wife that this seems really weird and she tells me that they are just running and everyone is acting weird. She acts if it is ok to keep going and I say that it is as long as her sister is aware. I implicitly trust my wife and BIL. Well, a few weeks back they are going to go and I comment on whether or not her sister knows and my wife has no idea. She then comments that everyone is acting so weird as they are just running and its not like they are having an affair. [she thinks she is setting up the perfect red herring here, hiding in plain sight] She leaves and comes back an hour later and freaks out that he told her he felt like kissing her in a text right after the run [brilliant lie to throw you off the scent]. She is very upset and I get upset, she swears nothing ever happened and that she had no idea and felt sick over the whole thing. She said she got the text, called him immediately and freaked out on him.
Well, I ended up looking at her text history at this point and phone log. Sure enough there is a text of him saying he wants to kiss her and the phone log backs up a call right after that was less then a minute. He also texts to make sure that she erases the text before going home and that they should just forget about it. Well I read the rest of the text history and it is literally like he is grooming her with comments about how tough his wife is being, how he wants to run with her all the time, lets not tell people about the run [remember when she told you she had no idea of his feelings?] , lots of compliments and messages were he invites her places with his kids and our kids. Messages about them doing activities together. There are also a few lengthy phone calls of 20+ minutes. From what I can tell [this is what your wife has made certain of] my wife was on the up and up and constantly said to tell his wife about the runs and was non-responsive to his invites.
My wife and I end up having a massive blowout over how to handle this where she begs me not to say anything to her sister of BIL as it will destroy the whole family. She says nothing happened and that I should just go about my business as if nothing happened [of course, that is her plan]. I explain that the fact he thought so little of me and my family that he was willing to try and break it up is unforgivable. It took everything in me to not immediately go to his house, as all I could think was that he was willing to wreck my children's lives(I understand it takes two to tango). My wife claimed that she had no idea of his feelings [oh really? then why keep secrets from her sister?] or how it could have happened, she swore she just listened and didn't talk about our marriage and that she never courted the attention. I do believe it was a low level emotional affair [no, it was physical. Emotional affairs tend to be confined to long distance. They were spending hours together every week] on her part and it was more about having someone to talk to...as she commented on a few occasions that it was nice to have someone to gossip with.
I agree to not say anything to her sister but can't promise I won't say anything to BIL. Well, I see him out and he acts like he is my best buddy. I could't help it and told him that I knew what was up, he crossed alone and to leave my wife and family alone. Well he immediately calls my wife crying that I am going to destroy his marriage and how could I do that to him and his kids [this is an admission]. My wife claims I am only upset about the lying and that I don't know about the kiss text. She then blows up at me and we spend the next week basically not talking since I crossed a line saying that to him [wife defends her lover, not her husband or her sister]. I tell her that I could have told her sister and that would be the right thing to do, but have done what she wished and kept it quiet.
Well, I see him at an event and he completely ignores me and avoids me the whole evening. My wife asks if I saw him and I tell her what happened. She then freaks out again that everyone is going to know that something is up and that I have to be normal and just talk to him [guilty!!!]. She is begging that I break the ice, swallow my pride and start talking to him. I told her that I don't think I can ever do that as this individual was willing to break up my family with his actions and intentions, which in my mind means hurting my children without a care in the world until he got caught. So, I guess I am confused in how I should act. I don't care to ever talk to him again and ultimately he doesn't deserve me wasting my breath. On the other hand my wife is pleading with me to make it normal so the family and her sister don't suspect anything. What the hell am I supposed to do?
Put a keylogger on her computer and a voice activated recorder in her car to pick up her phone conversations. Follow her to where they usually run. Gather evidence and then end the affair by exposing it to every family member, friend, and employer.
Unless you're not serious about saving your marriage. Because as long as the affair goes on, you and your children are in grave danger. Do you want this guy to be their stepfather?
In my opinion your wife is a little naive to think she could run with a BIL every day for an extended period and not have something like this happen. In fact, maybe she kind of wanted this to happen? Some women want to have someone make a pass, even if there is no intention on her part of carrying anything through.
As far as your BIL, he sounds like someone that needs to be exposed to his wife for what was done. This sounds like 80% him and 20% your wife. I'm just giving you my opinion, don't take it personal.
But given all that you have said about the situation, I would do what you said and not speak to him again temporarily and it is not your responsibility to break any ice with him. It's his. If anything, tell his wife to ask her husband why no one is speaking, if that came up. And not everyone has to know. Just the four of you. Your wife is blowing that out of proportion somewhat.
There is something else going on here for sure. I’m not sure what that might be, but you clearly aren’t being told the whole story. I’m single and if my BIL kept doing the stuff you mentioned like mentioning he wanted to kiss me or do stuff alone with me all the time, I would tell my sister immediately. That’s just not appropriate behavior unless it was legitimately an interest we have that my sister does not have. However, I can’t think of an interest we have offhand that my sister wouldn’t be interested in doing.
Maybe she knows something else is going on with her sister and she isn’t telling you about it? I don’t think you necessarily did anything wrong with contacting the BIL since he was clearly crossing the line with your wife.
I agree that I don't believe she has told me everything as her anger and immediate blowups over my actions in doing the right thing in exposing it smacks of guilt on her part. Though I do believe the guilt is more in line that she was lying to her sister for him and doesn't want it to come out that she was some sort of catalyst for his actions in covering for him.
She claims she is protecting her sister by not telling her as he has changed. I totally disagreed and told her that she is crazy if she believes this is the first time he pulled this. I mentioned that he clearly doesn't care about destroying his family and that we should protect her sister by exposing him. So we protect someone what wanted to wreck my kids lives. It's totally backwards thinking to me. If this was my sister or brother they would have known immediately as I would have told them.
Allow me to highlight the red flags of a cheating spouse.
Put a keylogger on her computer and a voice activated recorder in her car to pick up her phone conversations. Follow her to where they usually run. Gather evidence and then end the affair by exposing it to every family member, friend, and employer.
Unless you're not serious about saving your marriage. Because As long as the affair goes on, you and your children are in grave danger. Do you want this guy to be their stepfather?
if she was cheating, why bring up his text and not just say nothing? If she was already cheating, he would not send her a text asking for a kiss - obviously, they haven't kissed.
I think she may have tested out her borders with him and flirted a bit. He took it to the next level and then she freaked out.
I agree that I don't believe she has told me everything as her anger and immediate blowups over my actions in doing the right thing in exposing it smacks of guilt on her part. Though I do believe the guilt is more in line that she was lying to her sister for him and doesn't want it to come out that she was some sort of catalyst for his actions in covering for him.
She claims she is protecting her sister by not telling her as he has changed. I totally disagreed and told her that she is crazy if she believes this is the first time he pulled this. I mentioned that he clearly doesn't care about destroying his family and that we should protect her sister by exposing him. So we protect someone what wanted to wreck my kids lives. It's totally backwards thinking to me. If this was my sister or brother they would have known immediately as I would have told them.
You are not seeing the forest for the trees.
Your wife could have and should have put a stop to any shenanigans immediately, but she did not. You have to ask yourself WHY NOT?
I am willing to bet that 85% of what you have been told by both of them is not true. They have been up to something together, and you need to get it all out in the open.
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