Do most people end up settling? (females, younger, American, divorced)
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Not for me , anyone l've been with since late 20s was my dream.
But yeah , it's always amazing especially reading forums but also in life, just looking at couples .
Not many people have known the real deal or have the real deal
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
I feel the same way. The examples given to support the OP's idea just don't translate to dating a whole, complete person.
I mean if you "thought" you wanted, say, a tall person, as in one of the examples, but you meet a short person who is friggin' amazing and literally you never think about his height...you realize that literally, it is irrelevant, that isn't settling. To the contrary, it's better than you even dreamed in your original "I want" scenario. So it isn't at all like wanting a cheeseburger but getting a hamburger instead. It's more like wanting a burger, getting a filet mignon instead that you wouldn't have thought of trying, then somebody screams "ZOMG, you're settling, because that's not what you said you wanted."
Thinking you want blue eyes, then meeting a complete person with green eyes who is amazing just isn't settling, sorry.
Problem is usually someone who wants a decent hamburger doesn’t wind up with a fillet mignon but is encouraged to choose between busted up Walmart brand burgers or completely mediocre McDonalds burgers and when they don’t realize that simply not choosing EITHER and waiting for a decent restaurant burger is a perfectly reasonable choice since they aren’t in no danger of starving immediately.
Nobody gets their dream or fantasy person so if that's settling..
I think people get the best they can get with what their market value..It's why you see mostly evenly matched coupes..people want at least their "value" so to speak..If youre with somebody way less attractive then you regardless of how well you hit hit it off with that person you're gonna feel you can do better.
I think this only speaks to how obsessed you are with looks. And I think it's untrue. As I've elucidated way too many times here, that's not anywhere close to the most important thing for me. I know very well that my "market value" is higher than my boyfriends, because I'm not a blind idiot and I'm socially aware. I know how many people are interested in being with me, and how many are after him. Objectively, in the eyes of the looks-based people around us, or even just because he is socially awkward and I'm confident and outgoing, or for whatever reasons...I am more "attractive" to other people in general, than he is. Do I feel I could do better in terms of someone "prettier" that others would approve of more? Oh, yes. Sure. Would I be happier with that? Hell no. I broke up with 3 pretty people to be with him because he makes me happiest, and I have no regrets at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chriz Brown
Very insightful.
But I don't believe its about "perfection" vs. flaws. I believe its about what you want vs. what you don't.
For instance, if you want a chocolate chip cookie and take a peanut butter cookie instead, you are settling. Doesn't mean a chocolate chip cookie could ever be "perfect for you" or even good for you. What's good for you is a whole different topic. I'm talking about settling for less than what you want.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chriz Brown
I don't think we are talking about the same thing.
You seem to be off on a different topic. I'm not talking about fantasies. I'm talking about what people want and how often they actually get it.
OK so this brings the subject more to a place of sense for me. When I was young, I'd say I "settled." I did not want so many things about the life and relationship I ended up with. But I was convinced that two people both being really into each other and in love at the same time, was a fairytale fantasy. At best, I thought, I was doomed to either really love a guy and have him not care and flake out, or to find men who were really into me and I could...cope with them...I guess. (Far more common, the latter!) So the first one I could cope with, who seemed to want something meaningful, is the one I let into my home and life. But I still expected the relationship to come and go, maybe a few years tops. Nope, he impregnated me (protection failed, possibly tampered by him I now think) and he clung on and wanted to keep me for life. I didn't want to be a mother, I didn't want to be a wife, and I didn't want to be with him for all my days. But I was determined to do my best to stick with it, to step up, to make it work. I believed that's what being an adult was about. Setting aside my selfish wants and needs, to do for other people. THAT...was definitely settling.
For most of it, I was content, not happy, but not miserable. Then it got really bad, and imploded and ended.
After that, I refused to commit to any one relationship for a while until I'd figured myself out. I had poly/open things that left me with the freedom to explore. The first step in NOT settling (per your description of it here) is to figure out the spectrum of your needs and wants. What things will you not be happy without? What things would be nice, but it's ok if they're not there? What partner traits get you turned on and keep you that way, and what traits can you just not deal with at all?
After a while, I found the person who was a great fit for me. I still didn't commit to him, until a certain amount of time had passed, because I wanted to be SURE. Eventually though, I let my other partners go and closed our relationship to monogamy, because I knew I had all of my needs met with him, and most of my less-critical wants as well.
For instance, NEED: A man with tremendous self-control who won't fly off the handle and threaten me with harm. If I did not have this, then I settled. WANT: Bass players are kinda hot. Strong hands and all. Not really that important. I don't feel like I settled, because my boyfriend isn't a musician.
So yeah, lots of people do settle. Lots of people also realize way into a relationship, that they settled unwisely, and that's why lots of people end up divorced. Hopefully they live and learn and don't settle next time.
I know very well that my "market value" is higher than my boyfriends, because I'm not a blind idiot and I'm socially aware. I know how many people are interested in being with me, and how many are after him.
Is there a big age gap between you two? I recollect you mentioning him being much older. Are you okay with possibly being a 'nurse' later on in life?
If the new car has not made you forget the desired one, if you'd still rather have it and you'd swap immediately if the (assumed) more expensive one became available to you, then yes, you settled.
Substitute a woman for the car and I think you'll agree with me.
Was it a wise thing to do? Certainly , since the car has no feelings and doesn't know it's second best.
Unless you're like me and anthropomorphize cars. Whenever I've traded one in, I've felt guilty at abandoning my old friend
Is there a big age gap between you two? I recollect you mentioning him being much older. Are you okay with possibly being a 'nurse' later on in life?
Yep! He's 20 years older than me. It is very likely I'll be helping care for his aging father soon, and also caring for him probably about the time I am due to retire. I'm cool with that.
I have a caregiver-programmed personality. I've been taking care of others since I was a little kid. I am happiest when I feel needed that way. Also, I love old people. The main thing is, I hate being taken for granted. I want my efforts to be appreciated. I feel very appreciated here, and it's quite a contrast to situations in the past.
And I look at it like...what is the alternative? Nobody's kids want to take care of them anymore in America. So if I were with someone close to my own age, what, we'd both be in some nursing home together? We'd both be falling apart physically (or worse, mentally) at the same time? Sounds like a mess. At least this way, his Dad gets competent care, he gets competent care, and only I might one day need to be in a home or something. I just hope they let me have a cat and a jigsaw puzzle. Give me those two things, I'll be a happy old lady. lol
The top 1% of both males and females don't settle, the rest of us have to.
"While the average man never lives, a beautiful woman dies twice....................." -Cedric
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