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My question is did you really need a new car as a necessity? Would you have been ok driving the old car for a while longer until something came out that you went wild and crazy over? I had the same analogy, I’ve been thinking about trading my SUV in but ultimately decided not to because it still serves my needs for now. I don’t look at not upgrading as a bad thing because a new car isn’t a necessity.
This is an angle I attack love from. It is not a necessity for me to fall in love marry or have kids. That is why I don’t feel inclined to settle for my mate. Why settle when I’m perfectly okay not being in a relationship? I think more should realize being single at 30-35 isn’t the end of the world so they don’t have to settle.
But some people would define being single as a type of settling. I don't, but some do. The assumption being that they're just not trying hard enough and staying single is the easy way out.
To answer your question, I had a car that ran, but it was time to let it rest before it just died on me. I wasn't comfortable waiting for that to happen.
As for my analogy, while a car isn't an absolute necessity, it's closer to one than a relationship is. I do think some people settle into relationships more to have someone, anyone, than to really enhance their lives. They may do so because they believe that a relationship is a good idea and that no one better will come a long. Those people are probably better off single.
But if someone can imagine someone better coming along, but they can also honestly say that they look forward to spending time with their partner person, that they feel good when they consider his or her needs, that they love, trust, respect, and desire the person, and that they have similar values, interests and goals, I wouldn't ask them if they could do better, I'd ask them why they feel the need to. That sounds awfully good as is if a relationship is what they're looking for.
Hard to say, not everyone's definition of settling is the same.
If someone is with someone else out of convenience or because they were just there at the time, more so than love, to me that's settling. I also think that if I have to CONVINCE myself to like someone/give them a shot, I'd be settling. But on some level everyone "settles" I think. Is that a bad thing? No.
As for why: Some people are afraid to be alone, lack of self esteem, convenience, stopped overestimating their value to others, their wants/needs in a partner changed, etc. There are a lot of reasons.
Would you say that most people don't end up with their "ideal partner"?
If so. Why?
If not. Why?
I didn't read the whole thread, just this post, so maybe you've addressed it later down. But here, is there the assumption of the 'ideal' being a static thing? That if you finally get what you 100% want, that it will always be what you 100% want. Do you think this is possible? In the case of relationship, that your ideal mate will always be your ideal? That your desires are cemented in stone and will never change?
The only way to never settle is to always be 100% aligned with your own desires and not your resistances. "Settling" is just an abstract term to describe living with dissatisfaction or disappointment about what you really want. It's not an objective thing, 'out there', unless you're projecting.
If you feel sublime, whether single or busy with another person, you're not settling. If you feel lack in your life, and wish you could have something you don't have or can't find, whether single or busy with another person, then you're settling. If you're single and you feel joy and excitement as you wait for the perfect person to come along...then you're not settling. If you're single and you feel bored and frustrated and pessimistic as you wait for the perfect person to come along, then you're settling.
So you consider anything less than 100% of what you want, even if such a person does not exist in the entire universe, to be settling?
And you consider any "settling" at all to be unacceptable?
And finally, do you imagine that anyone could meet your expectations 100%?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chriz Brown
Yes. That's the definition.
Lucky for me.. I don't have such unrealistic standards.
Never said that.
Yes.
If your standards aren't unrealistic then why are we talking about this - you don't even need to "settle" so it's a moot point. But it sounds like your real point is that everyone ELSE is unrealistic and thus they WILL have to settle and that is super bad? Or super funny to you?
And I never said you'd said settling at all was unacceptable - I'm trying to nail you down a little because you're acting like a slippery little fish.
My question is did you really need a new car as a necessity? Would you have been ok driving the old car for a while longer until something came out that you went wild and crazy over? I had the same analogy, I’ve been thinking about trading my SUV in but ultimately decided not to because it still serves my needs for now. I don’t look at not upgrading as a bad thing because a new car isn’t a necessity.
This is an angle I attack love from. It is not a necessity for me to fall in love marry or have kids. That is why I don’t feel inclined to settle for my mate. Why settle when I’m perfectly okay not being in a relationship? I think more should realize being single at 30-35 isn’t the end of the world so they don’t have to settle.
You don't need to settle - WE GOT IT - a FB is fine with you and fine for you...case closed.
So why is it any of your concern if others want different things that may be more difficult to find? Why are you always so defensive about your right to be and stay single if you are so comfortable and at-ease about it? Oooooohhhhh - maybe you can't find someone as nonchalant as yourself and you are the tiniest bit worried that you WILL have to compromise and somehow get a tiny bit encumbered? Or that because you are so against any encumbrances that you'll remain single and seksless for the rest of your life?
Until you've reached nirvana and given up all attachments in this world, join the rest of humanity and every day navigate wants and needs in everything including relationships, jobs, and money!
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,711 posts, read 41,912,279 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63
You don't need to settle - WE GOT IT - a FB is fine with you and fine for you...case closed.
So why is it any of your concern if others want different things that may be more difficult to find? Why are you always so defensive about your right to be and stay single if you are so comfortable and at-ease about it? Oooooohhhhh - maybe you can't find someone as nonchalant as yourself and you are the tiniest bit worried that you WILL have to compromise and somehow get a tiny bit encumbered? Or that because you are so against any encumbrances that you'll remain single and seksless for the rest of your life?
Until you've reached nirvana and given up all attachments in this world, join the rest of humanity and every day navigate wants and needs in everything including relationships, jobs, and money!
Because people like you and others here give me so much over the fact I’m not going to compromise and date ugly women just to say I’m not single anymore. Because people believe that a man approaching 30 who isn’t in a relationship is probably gay and feel it is okay to ask him so. If society didn’t have these BS expectation of what a man is supposed to do, I could actually relax because people would not give me so much BS over being single.
If you think choosing from the realistic options available to you is settling, you’re self absorbed and think far too highly of your own dating capital, and will probably be very lonely.
A good looking, employed, kind woman can choose from any number of partners. But she can’t have Orlando Bloom, no matter how much she might think he’s her perfect fit and she deserves him. She isn’t even entitled to a model or tech CEO or chess champion.
Settling, by my definition, is picking a materially unsuitable mate with a major mismatch in values, goals, or beliefs, and hoping that dedication and time will make a match from two people who have no real shared basis to grow a relationship. It’s not about having someone who checks all the dream boxes, but the person who ticks off the few basic ground level boxes and stimulates a desire in you for more of their personal, unique outlook. They are someone you grow with, not someone who actively stifles you or puts you at odds with where you want to be. Settling is ending the search with a genuinely unsuitable partner, not realizing your spouse isn’t everything you ever dreamed and therefore you’re better off without them.
Settling is when you don't get exactly what you want.
That is the definition. Take it up with Webster not me.
You know what's odd... I would say, between my boyfriend and I, that my objective dating "market value" as in, how many options even worth consideration I might have, if I made myself available in my social environment, is way, way higher than his. If we are talking outside-looking-in, how easy would it be for me to find a partner, versus how easy it has (not) been for him.
But if you asked me who settled? I'd think he did. I don't get the sense he feels that way, he seems genuinely enthusiastic and grateful to have me. But I see it as a difference in our psychology. I considered many options, dated many people, and partnered with the one who truly makes me happy, without much of a preconceived "ideal" of what he might be, before we met. I went along like "I'll know it when I see it." I know other people might not think he's perfect, but I think he's perfect for me.
He held out and waited, with more of an "ideal" in his mind, as to what he really wanted, and it's one reason I'm his first relationship and he's almost 60. He would not settle for just any woman. And while I feel I made the threshold of what he needed...he probably, in fantasy, would rather a younger or more perfect looking woman, I think. Maybe one without kids, or an ex in the background. Can't say I'd blame him. I don't feel that I am his "ideal" but I'm as close to it as he's ever going to get, and he knows that, and is, I think, more than content.
All the options you think you have are an illusion.
While you might be able to get more attractive men than your current partner to sleep with you, that doesn't mean you can get relationships out of them. If you could, you would not of settled for your current partner.
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over the fact I’m not going to compromise and date ugly women just to say I’m not single anymore. Because people believe that a man approaching 30 who isn’t in a relationship is probably gay and feel it is okay to ask him so. If society didn’t have these BS expectation of what a man is supposed to do, I could actually relax because people would not give me so much BS over being single.
