Scale 1-10 How unusual is this fight? (woman, family, kiss)
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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 15 days ago)
35,658 posts, read 18,021,886 times
Reputation: 50699
Quote:
Originally Posted by sayitaintso5
Thank you.
I tried leaving him within the first year and I went through what felt like intense withdrawal and I went back. I couldn't sleep - think - I was obsessed. I acted insane and nearly lost my job.
I had told myself that I clearly couldn't live without him.
Has anyone gotten thorough this stage and how long does it take? That's what holds me, I remember that pain so intensely. It was God awful..... but, last night covering my head with covers, I thought how much worse can it get than THIS?
I don't know how long it takes.
He's taught you to crave him and depend on him for your emotional and mental well-being.
I tried leaving him within the first year and I went through what felt like intense withdrawal and I went back. I couldn't sleep - think - I was obsessed. I acted insane and nearly lost my job.
I had told myself that I clearly couldn't live without him.
Has anyone gotten thorough this stage and how long does it take? That's what holds me, I remember that pain so intensely. It was God awful..... but, last night covering my head with covers, I thought how much worse can it get than THIS?
Who can you talk to, that will understand that he is truly abusive and leaving is best for you? Who will support you in leaving?
If you don't have that person IRL, find someone online to hold you accountable. Begin making your plans. Stash some money away. Whatever you do, don't back down about the decision to leave.
If you can't get out right away, work on the "gray rock" method of dealing with narcissists. Essentially, create no drama. Make your responses and reactions to him as interesting as a gray rock. People like him thrive on pushing your buttons and making you erupt. Don't give him the satisfaction. Stay cool, but not so cold he feels you are hateful. Just one word answers in a neutral tone, as much as possible. Eventually, he'll seek his drama elsewhere. Meanwhile, just keep working on your escape plan and execute it ASAP. Once you do, block all contact from him. Do not let him reel you back in. You may need help for this - like I said, enlist whatever support you can to stay strong.
This really is for the best. Get out before you have children. That is what kept me in it for so long, because I knew he'd use our child as a weapon.
It does not get better.... You need to leave. Stop listening to HIS voice in your head telling you that you can't do it. You can and will be so much better off when you do.
I'm 50 years old, and I have never had ONE fight like that with a man.
He's definitely threatening you, and he's not in for the long term. It's past time for you to make some decisions of your own that DON'T include him.
I was married for 20 years and divorced, and our disagreements never got to that level. This seems like the sort of catfights high school girls get into.
Yes, he says he loves me and adores me etc etc. And today I was watching him and he's funny, charming -- neighbors and friends LOVE him. I just stare and think how mean he can be. No one sees that side of him.
We've been together for a long time and I fear leaving him. I fear being alone the most. I'm one of those people that needs to have her eye on someone else to get the motivation to leave. And as painful as this relationship has been, I never have an eye for anyone else.
I worry I never will. I always compare others to him (for his good qualities). My therapist suggested I start dwelling on all the BAD to get the courage to step out on my own.
Why is it so darn hard?
You really need to address this more in therapy, it is not healthy. But at least your realize this. Change like this is hard, but hard doesn't mean it is not worth it.
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Tonight, it got worse. He said 'you awaken the bear you will be attacked'.
he is threatening me. He said IF we marry you will need to know you will have all kinds of lawyers and prenups, because I can't trust you.
I started to leave the house and he said 'this is what you wanted all along. you are a nightmare. you don't even know who you are dealing with'.
I didn't leave tonight because I need to prepare...but yes, I must prepare. This is crazy. I'm so sad. But I know now. I MUST go.
Stick to your guns and leave. Make sure your therapist knows everything that is going on. That's at least one person who SHOULD be in your corner encouraging you to leave. Your therapist may also have ideas about resources for women leaving abusive relationships, even if it's not physical abuse. (I had a domestic abuse advocate in court with me during my divorce, even though my ex wasn't physically abusive, so they can and do help sometimes.)
I'm 50 years old, and I have never had ONE fight like that with a man.
He's definitely threatening you, and he's not in for the long term. It's past time for you to make some decisions of your own that DON'T include him.
I agree. In the close to 50 years with my husband we NEVER had a fight like that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC
This is over the top.
The fact that he's often cruel to you and NO ONE ELSE SEES IT is an enormous red flag, OP. An enormous one. There are some guys who are kind of equal opportunity jerks, and they are actually much less damaging. They just kind of have a short fuse, but basically they're honest and open.
This guy is manipulating you. He's putting you down, trying on purpose to make you feel weak and stupid and helpless. Another 5 years of this and you'll be jelly.
Don't grow old and decide you've wasted your life. You won't believe how good you'll feel a week after you dump this creep. Really, you won't believe it. You'll be skipping and dancing and thanking God for every moment of freedom.
I agree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC
OP, the more you say the more textbook this is.
He's an abuser.
And he'll get worse.
And in a few years you'll have nothing left of yourself, and he will have isolated you from everyone and you will have zero power.
And worse, you might have a child.
Or in a few years he will murder you and your parents will have to identify your body at the morgue. Do you really want that to happen?
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
I can't respond to this thread anymore because it is too much for me. All I can tell you is that:
1) You are not overreacting.
2) You have nearly been brainwashed to the point that you can't even tell anymore how wrong this is.
3) You need to get your therapist to help you make a plan to live independently. You must do this as soon as you are able.
Has anyone gotten thorough this stage and how long does it take? That's what holds me, I remember that pain so intensely. It was God awful..... but, last night covering my head with covers, I thought how much worse can it get than THIS?
I was so brainwashed by the "you make me act like that because you act like this" yo-yo, that I wrote down the worst of what was said, so I could remember why I was making plans and preparations for leaving, and keep the momentum. So many false starts, only to be convinced that I was breaking up our family. As soon as my mind was made up and the planning stages began, I knew that was the most dangerous time, so I continued to play the part while tying up loose ends to support myself and my daughter. It took about a year, but I had 20 years in, and a child. It was pure hell and I came close to some sort of psychotic break, I'm sure, but looking back I sure wish I would have left years earlier. So peaceful to live a predictable life. Get started.
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