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My comparison is from about 18 to about 36 years old. Best I can do, because I have never been out on the open market for dating, for any long period of time. I was "taken" 18-36 and 37-40 (now.) It was SO SO much better at 36. Mostly because I knew myself better, I could spot other people's motivations better and was more able and willing to say NO if their needs and mine weren't a good fit. OLD made things super easy, and so did a community I would never have found without the internet.
I was always able to get someone but now I can have someone who is actually a good match for me.
But I argue with you about younger people being more attractive. I just don't agree with that, I don't think that they are. But that's a pretty subjective business, attraction. *shrug*
The poster you were quoting meant that older guys are catnip to women who are about their age. You mentioned earlier beating back younger men trying to get younger women. So I think there is some disconnect between what you're replying to and the context of your reply, if it is younger women you're after. ??
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Let me clarify what I mean by younger. I'm talking 10-15 years younger than I am now. I don't think that's a stretch. I'm not talking about 20-somethings. But you're right, I refuse to date women my age where I live now because they've all let themselves go. Its different in New York City, Atlanta, etc. I've seen plenty of women there in their late 40's who look incredible and who I would date now that I've given up on having kids.
Let me clarify what I mean by younger. I'm talking 10-15 years younger than I am now. I don't think that's a stretch. I'm not talking about 20-somethings. But you're right, I refuse to date women my age where I live now because they've all let themselves go. Its different in New York City, Atlanta, etc. I've seen plenty of women there in their late 40's who look incredible and who I would date now that I've given up on having kids.
You often complain about the city where you live, is there a reason you're stuck there? Just curious.
Is this an old and set in your ways problem? Like you know what works for you and are much quicker to end things when red flags pop up? Shouldn't knowing much more about yourself work to your advantage as you mature? Or is it simply younger people are more attractive so your options as an older person are limited? Thoughts?
There are radically less ways to serendipitously run into someone to date as an adult and especially an older adult. School - college and university, speciality schools of arts or trades, and even high school - are the most fertile rich grounds to meet someone - a fertile ground and situation of which to meet people to date which is never repeated again throughout adulthood.
After a certain age, one has to purposefully try ways to meet someone to date, if it doesn't happen accidentally. The numbers just are not there - to find a pool of possible dates. Or one has to be a member of groups such as church, country club, golfing etc to meet someone.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,995,252 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SpiritualBaseball
It doesn't matter if the ratio is the same
It matters that there are less people to choose from
You mentioned parties. I contend it's easier to meet someone at a party with 100 people than with 10 people, even if the ratios are the same.
But there aren't less people to choose from, because, technology that didn't exist. Exactly my point. People that exist that you can't or don't meet aren't in your potential dating pool. Of course, making that connection is never about "choosing' someone in the first place.
And I think you're wrong on the party scenario. It's far easier to make a meaningful connection in the first place at a small party. Is it easier to make a connection with someone in a house party with 25 people? Or a night club with 250? The house party, almost every time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12
There are radically less ways to serendipitously run into someone to date as an adult and especially an older adult. School - college and university, speciality schools of arts or trades, and even high school - are the most fertile rich grounds to meet someone - a fertile ground and situation of which to meet people to date which is never repeated again throughout adulthood.
After a certain age, one has to purposefully try ways to meet someone to date, if it doesn't happen accidentally. The numbers just are not there - to find a pool of possible dates. Or one has to be a member of groups such as church, country club, golfing etc to meet someone.
I fully agree with your second paragraph, but not quite your first. I believe that most fertile territory is one's 20something youth. After college (can't think of anyone in my peer group that met a spouse in undergrad!) but before a real serious plunge into career (often the years between undergrad and grad). People have some disposable income (or in my generation we did) and we went to parties/shows/clubs/bars almost every night. This probably changes some in different regions/demographic groups.
Last edited by timberline742; 03-05-2019 at 04:24 PM..
Is this an old and set in your ways problem? Like you know what works for you and are much quicker to end things when red flags pop up? Shouldn't knowing much more about yourself work to your advantage as you mature? Or is it simply younger people are more attractive so your options as an older person are limited? Thoughts?
It is because you become more selective and will not settle for less than you want. I understand. Do not settle.
Granted younger people are more physically attractive but that alone only goes so far but the hunt to find the right one can be fun.
You often complain about the city where you live, is there a reason you're stuck there? Just curious.
Well, yes. I have a great job here, or great income I should say. It's not easy to conduct a long distance job search. I know because I've tried for 3 years. I'm also big on security and stability after what I went through in the Great Recession, so quitting and moving and just leaving it to chance will never be an option for me. I'm not in my 20's anymore and too risk averse to ever do that (I did in my 20's) again.
Is this an old and set in your ways problem? Like you know what works for you and are much quicker to end things when red flags pop up? Shouldn't knowing much more about yourself work to your advantage as you mature? Or is it simply younger people are more attractive so your options as an older person are limited? Thoughts?
It's a double edged sword. Yes, I know myself a LOT better. I have a lot more to offer in a relationship because when I was younger I was stupid and self centered. I am much more considerate and able to show my respect and love for others. But I am also somewhat set in my ways, in that I know what I will not tolerate from a man. So yeah, I'm pretty intolerant of MY red and yellow flags.
Example: a few months ago I met up with a guy in one of my Meetups to car pool to an event. Before we were even out of the parking lot I decided that he was very socially awkward. Probably Aspbergers, from the way he talked. Not someone I could date. I found out recently that a friend of mine in the same group thought he was awkward on the night she met him, and yet went on FOUR dates with him before cutting him loose.
So we both ended up with different experiences, but I can't say that either one of us was wrong. Her red and yellow flags are different from mine, OR she chose to set them aside because she was having a decent time with him, even though she knew it wasn't going to end up going anywhere.
Older and wiser works to my advantage because I'm not out there dating Mr. Wrong even though I know he is Mr. Wrong. Ultimately I prefer that approach. Not once have I later regretted letting go of Mr. Wrong because I realized he was Mr. Not-so-bad-after-all. Also, attraction (physical) is much less important to me. I find I can be attracted to many types of men, and I don't need a 'total package' to find someone who is relationship worthy.
IMHO my skills have improved dramatically but I can't say the same for divorced men my age. They are skittish and damaged and suspect that relationships aren't worth the effort. I see no evidence that they are out there dating younger women. They are struggling to date any one at all.
Smart women don't let good men get away, so the best guys are still married and the rest of us get to deal with (and be) the leftovers.
It's a double edged sword. Yes, I know myself a LOT better. I have a lot more to offer in a relationship because when I was younger I was stupid and self centered. I am much more considerate and able to show my respect and love for others. But I am also somewhat set in my ways, in that I know what I will not tolerate from a man. So yeah, I'm pretty intolerant of MY red and yellow flags.
Example: a few months ago I met up with a guy in one of my Meetups to car pool to an event. Before we were even out of the parking lot I decided that he was very socially awkward. Probably Aspbergers, from the way he talked. Not someone I could date. I found out recently that a friend of mine in the same group thought he was awkward on the night she met him, and yet went on FOUR dates with him before cutting him loose.
So we both ended up with different experiences, but I can't say that either one of us was wrong. Her red and yellow flags are different from mine, OR she chose to set them aside because she was having a decent time with him, even though she knew it wasn't going to end up going anywhere.
Older and wiser works to my advantage because I'm not out there dating Mr. Wrong even though I know he is Mr. Wrong. Ultimately I prefer that approach. Not once have I later regretted letting go of Mr. Wrong because I realized he was Mr. Not-so-bad-after-all. Also, attraction (physical) is much less important to me. I find I can be attracted to many types of men, and I don't need a 'total package' to find someone who is relationship worthy.
IMHO my skills have improved dramatically but I can't say the same for divorced men my age. They are skittish and damaged and suspect that relationships aren't worth the effort. I see no evidence that they are out there dating younger women. They are struggling to date any one at all.
Smart women don't let good men get away, so the best guys are still married and the rest of us get to deal with (and be) the leftovers.
Well, I know for me personally, I worked very hard on myself after my divorce. I never want to go through that again. But I will admit I'm skittish. I'm a better communicator now and I've found the women I've dated to not be good communicators. Therefore, it takes a lot more effort to get to who they really are. Sometimes it isn't worth the effort. However, I don't want to grow old alone and hope I can find he right woman to share my life with. All that to say, there are plenty of us men who aren't "leftovers" who have learned from our mistakes, taken responsibility, and grown into better men.
You learn too many lessons to lie to yourself anymore.
When I was young, I'd always see the red flags. I'd just ignore them.
Now, I've learned the hard way what happens when you ignore red flags.
Exactly. Being young and not so sure of myself, I would second guess my reactions if they were negative. "There's nothing wrong with him, you have a creepy feeling because you always have a creepy feeling!" My family life (or lack there of) growing up made for a pretty critical internal conversation in my head. I would tell myself that I'm crazy, or no he doesn't really like me, or what does he really want? Shouldn't I be grateful someone wants to go out with me at all?
It took decades to get away from that, also fending for myself and surviving so many experiences has made me see I'm not going to crumple or curl up like one of those pill bugs you touch and they roll away. I survived! I'm not going to pick anyone just to have someone.
To answer the OP though, I don't find it harder at all. Less scary, because comme si comme ca, que sera sera.
Last edited by RbccL; 03-05-2019 at 06:38 PM..
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