Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You know, in light of the fact that you are here in the Springs...I don't know if you're still dating these days, or anything, but my "mannequin in the living room" guy was very active on online dating and I suspect he still is. He is a Dave, and I gotta say, my experiences with Davids/Daves in my life has been that whether I sleep with 'em or not, they're kinda heartbreakers! lol I actually know other women who have crossed paths with him though. Kind of a player, I guess, but he was a lot of fun in bed so I have no regrets. Just wish I'd understood how very emotionally unavailable he was, sooner.
There are times I wish I could give guys like...Yelp reviews or something. "Five stars, excellent lay! Enjoy the ride but guard your heart, ladies! Oh and don't worry, I don't think he actually has murdered anyone, or that he actually wants to. But he'll probably enjoy it if you pretend to be scared. Added bonus for those who enjoy fresh vegetables, he's a gardening enthusiast, and he's happy to share!"
You know, in light of the fact that you are here in the Springs...I don't know if you're still dating these days, or anything, but my "mannequin in the living room" guy was very active on online dating and I suspect he still is. He is a Dave, and I gotta say, my experiences with Davids/Daves in my life has been that whether I sleep with 'em or not, they're kinda heartbreakers! lol I actually know other women who have crossed paths with him though. Kind of a player, I guess, but he was a lot of fun in bed so I have no regrets. Just wish I'd understood how very emotionally unavailable he was, sooner.
There are times I wish I could give guys like...Yelp reviews or something. "Five stars, excellent lay! Enjoy the ride but guard your heart, ladies! Oh and don't worry, I don't think he actually has murdered anyone, or that he actually wants to. But he'll probably enjoy it if you pretend to be scared. Added bonus for those who enjoy fresh vegetables, he's a gardening enthusiast, and he's happy to share!"
Funny thing...(apologies in advance to anyone who hates me bringing this up)...but in the kink community it's considered completely normal to vet partners (to ask others, especially former partners of theirs, for reviews and references.) People who are outright bad news, abusers and violators, usually get exposed as such and either have to slink off to another location or leave the scene altogether.
But I think we tend to be fairly honest and give people the benefit of the doubt in certain things, until we see patterns of behavior emerge, and then we judge based on that.
The only thing that sucks about this sort of thing is that sadly, not everyone in the world tells the truth. I've known some jilted exes who can sure spin a yarn. But then again, when it comes to community, if enough people know you long enough, it's harder to get away with lying.
Funny thing...(apologies in advance to anyone who hates me bringing this up)...but in the kink community it's considered completely normal to vet partners (to ask others, especially former partners of theirs, for reviews and references.) People who are outright bad news, abusers and violators, usually get exposed as such and either have to slink off to another location or leave the scene altogether.
But I think we tend to be fairly honest and give people the benefit of the doubt in certain things, until we see patterns of behavior emerge, and then we judge based on that.
The only thing that sucks about this sort of thing is that sadly, not everyone in the world tells the truth. I've known some jilted exes who can sure spin a yarn. But then again, when it comes to community, if enough people know you long enough, it's harder to get away with lying.
How well does this work in practice? I mean if everyone in the city data relationship forum was rating each other, I might have some doubts.
How well does this work in practice? I mean if everyone in the city data relationship forum was rating each other, I might have some doubts.
I think it depends on the community (as in, for instance, here in the Springs I think we have less drama, than the Denver community does.) I think it MOSTLY works well, but then occasionally it can be bad.
Of course, I say that, but we still have one guy who after a hiatus is now starting to host events at his house again, and he's got a pretty well known reputation for being predatory and abusive, to the point that police have been involved after he threatened and blackmailed a woman for leaving him. Stories of bad things going down at his house parties are many. I've never been there, and never will. But a lot of the young newbies end up going because they allow drugs and alcohol, which the club I belong to doesn't (well, except alcohol on certain nights like the swinger events--I don't go to those either.)
But more realistically in the rank & file of normalcy... There was a guy actually from CD who joined the scene not long ago. I told him that if it helped him break the ice socially at events he went to at the club, he could mention that he knows me from online, since I am well known there. Well, he was chatting up a woman on the website that us weirdos use to connect with each other, and she reached out to me, because evidently he felt I could vouch for his reputation. I told her honestly, "I think he's new to all this, I'd only play with him publicly at parties where there's some assurance of safety, and I cannot really vet his character...I do know him from online, but we just met in person. So he's almost as new to me, as he is to you." Nothing but the truth. She then offered to partner with him at a party, and he said that he was too nervous to do that and just wanted her to come to his house. She would not, and I don't blame her.
How do people in this community handle consent? I imagine if you are restrained you probably aren't in a good position to say no to some activity. But if you were actually raped, I think a would be rapist has got a pretty plausible defense that this was all consensual. How does the community protect against that?
How do people in this community handle consent? I imagine if you are restrained you probably aren't in a good position to say no to some activity. But if you were actually raped, I think a would be rapist has got a pretty plausible defense that this was all consensual. How does the community protect against that?
Consent is first of all drummed into us as the most critical foundation of everything we do. All BDSM play requires negotiation before it happens, except with established partners who know one another's habits and preferences very well. Only those things specifically negotiated are permitted. If you negotiated a scene where you will tie someone up and paint their toenails, and then you do that, and decide you'd like to stick your finger in their ear and you go ahead and do that, you are then a consent violator. They did not consent to have you stick a finger in their ear. It is also well known that once a person is "in headspace" (in other words, once the scene is underway) they are not thinking clearly and cannot give consent to something new. No re-negotiating mid-scene. Safewords are also an important consent tool. In our club, the stop light system is the default (this is common.) "Yellow" means "I need you to pause and check in, something's not right." For instance someone has a cramp and needs to reposition or something. Play will continue once the issue is resolved. "Red" on the other hand, means "This scene is over, all play stops now." Any participant can call Red. I've heard of tops doing so.
Now if someone goes to a private residence and engages in this sort of play, and their consent is violated, then they have all the typical problems of trying to report it to police. But it's honestly not that much more scary than "vanilla" encounters in private, because the odds that I, a 5'3" woman, am going to fight off your typical man who wants to rape me, are not good. And if I went voluntarily to his house, odds are he's got plausible deniability to police that I consented. Otherwise...why go to his house? This is why early dates are almost always done in public, and it's also one reason that BDSM clubs exist and serve a vital role in the community. If I'm at the club and I yell, "RED" my partner is GOING to stop. If he doesn't, then the regulars, the volunteers, the Dungeon Monitor, the Manager on Duty, whoever is closest, is gonna step right in there and make him stop. My fiance and I were non-sexual play partners at parties at the club for 2 months before I ever went to his home, or dated him outside of the community.
Other than that, we partner with non-profits and the owner of our club has given talks to the SVU detectives and we're working on a program to have police come and give a class at the club, too, on rape reporting procedures and policies. We have a liason with a domestic violence shelter and a counselor among our volunteers, and a process for reporting consent violation. We can help a victim file a police report, and if they don't want to do that (which we respect) we can and do ban predators from the club, and share their information with other clubs in the state and in other locations if we hear that they relocate. (Kind of like a more discreet version of a "registry") and speaking of the registry, we also monitor our membership for being on it as well.
How do people in this community handle consent? I imagine if you are restrained you probably aren't in a good position to say no to some activity. But if you were actually raped, I think a would be rapist has got a pretty plausible defense that this was all consensual. How does the community protect against that?
It is hard, because unless someone witnessed it, it is "he said, she said". Sometimes even if a woman has injuries she is still not believed. The person who tied me up, used some kind of silk cloth as ties because I believe he knew it wouldn't leave marks on skin the way that rope or other materials would. Which makes me think he's raped other women and knows what he's doing and how to get away with it.
I dont think the reviewing exes thing would work because during break ups and divorces emotions are running high and feelings are hurt, people arent going to be honest or objective unless they have reached a saintly level of maturity about it, most of the time.
The dumped party will probably be vengeful and bitter especially.
Also, just because the relationship didnt work between two people, doesnt mean either person is bad or cant have a better relationship with someone else. My ex bf was possessive and crazy acting in our 5 year relationship, but apparently has gone on to have a normal relationship, going about 10 years now. It was something off about our particular dynamic I guess. The guy is pretty flawed imo but his current girlfriend loves even his flaws.
It is hard, because unless someone witnessed it, it is "he said, she said". Sometimes even if a woman has injuries she is still not believed. The person who tied me up, used some kind of silk cloth as ties because I believe he knew it wouldn't leave marks on skin the way that rope or other materials would. Which makes me think he's raped other women and knows what he's doing and how to get away with it.
That is really awful, Im so sorry.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
