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Relationship counseling is a failure for most people. Relationships are work, plain and simple, just like partnerships. Lazy people fail at relationships. You don't need cheer leading you, need coaching.
I would rather be wanted than needed. Need creates an obligation rather than pure desire. At least in my mind.
I think a lot of pure desire (youth, beauty, sexuality) fades over time. Then the person needs someone to care for them in their old age. They may not want sex anymore, as much as they want someone to help them get to the toilet.
I think a lot of pure desire (youth, beauty, sexuality) fades over time. Then the person needs someone to care for them in their old age. They may not want sex anymore, as much as they want someone to help them get to the toilet.
Hmmm...I would challenge this a bit. I mean, I know that most younger people like to think, "Well, surely my Grandparents, my Parents, old people, they have no sexuality left, there can't be any desire there." People don't want to think about it, I guess. But youth isn't necessary for beauty, and beauty isn't necessary for sexuality, and sexuality isn't necessary for desire.
My fiance's father is 85, and his mother died about 5 years ago, and she was close in age to his Dad. His father cared for her at home, although she had dementia and other problems and surely it would have been much easier to put her in a home...and they could have afforded a nice place for her...nonetheless, he loved her so much and he took care of her until she passed. On a visit, he showed me photos of his wife, and she was already an "old" person in this photo and he gazed at it with wistful longing and said, "Look at this beautiful woman. I was such a lucky man." He hasn't changed a thing, her collections of art and her knick-knacks are still all where they were.
He has continued to live, these 5 years, without her. But he wants her back, he misses her and longs for her.
Feelings of love, based on deep desire to be bonded with another person...not just practicality and "need"...even if you age to the point where you are actually not capable of the act of sex anymore (ask a certain regular here) you still crave affectionate touch, the feeling of loving and being loved. You miss it, painfully when it's gone. Can you live without it? Yes. It is not food or water or air, you won't die...but you might wish to, sometimes, though.
Hmmm...I would challenge this a bit. I mean, I know that most younger people like to think, "Well, surely my Grandparents, my Parents, old people, they have no sexuality left, there can't be any desire there." People don't want to think about it, I guess. But youth isn't necessary for beauty, and beauty isn't necessary for sexuality, and sexuality isn't necessary for desire..
I guess it's become I've worked in nursing homes and the end of life stages, people aren't thinking about sex, they are in too much pain. They are more wondering when they're going to get their next dose of pain meds, when they'll get fed, when someone can bring them a bedpan. And the ones who don't have any family to visit them, has nobody looking out for them. I dated a man who was much older than me and he really needed me to be his nurse maid. He had never married during his lifetime, because he didn't want to. Then at age 53, he suddenly decided he wanted to marry me (after he had a stroke). At that point he felt he needed a wife although he didn't really want one. I think this is probably a fairly common scenario.
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Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla
I guess it's become I've worked in nursing homes and the end of life stages, people aren't thinking about sex, they are in too much pain. They are more wondering when they're going to get their next dose of pain meds, when they'll get fed, when someone can bring them a bedpan. And the ones who don't have any family to visit them, has nobody looking out for them. I dated a man who was much older than me and he really needed me to be his nurse maid. He had never married during his lifetime, because he didn't want to. Then at age 53, he suddenly decided he wanted to marry me (after he had a stroke). At that point he felt he needed a wife although he didn't really want one. I think this is probably a fairly common scenario.
I can see that in hospice situations and some others, but nursing homes are fairly well studied hotbeds of sexual activity. STD outbreaks are not uncommon at all in them, hindered by the generation's lack of use of protection and general lack of comfort about speaking to medical professionals (and each other) about sexual issues.
I can see that in hospice situations and some others, but nursing homes are fairly well studied hotbeds of sexual activity. STD outbreaks are not uncommon at all in them, hindered by the generation's lack of use of protection and general lack of comfort about speaking to medical professionals (and each other) about sexual issues.
I've also read that professionals who have been studying this cite the fact that beyond the generation's lack of use of protection is the idea that a lot of people have, that prevention of pregnancy is a more compelling reason to use protection and (for those using hormone based BC) going to doctors and paying attention to sexual health in general. Obviously no one in the nursing home is apt to be getting pregnant, so health care focused on their reproductive systems is neglected except for cancer screening.
At least they say that's one of several factors.
And @PriscillaVanilla, I hear you though, that if you're in a lot of pain, you're likely to be pretty focused on that. Though I think that most would want to have visits from loved ones, to be shown love and care, if that's available to them. We are social creatures, being lonely kinda sucks for most of us, I think. Isolation in a general sense is linked to poor mental health.
My own grandparents could barely stand each other by the time they started dying, though they did stay together. I think that it was a matter of, during their younger years, divorce was harder to do and very stigmatized, and eventually they just didn't envision living or being any other way. They were together out of long habit, and there can be comfort in the familiar even if the familiar isn't always great. But now my maternal Grandma has passed years ago, my Grandpa has been a terrible flirt, pursuing the old ladies at the assisted living pretty relentlessly. Running off down the road in his motor chair to look for "nice" clothes at the Goodwill to try and make a good impression and other such hijinks. I'm sure he doesn't need the female companionship, but he sure seems to want it, the rascal!
I can see that in hospice situations and some others, but nursing homes are fairly well studied hotbeds of sexual activity. STD outbreaks are not uncommon at all in them, hindered by the generation's lack of use of protection and general lack of comfort about speaking to medical professionals (and each other) about sexual issues.
Perhaps in assisted living facilities where seniors are more active; but in nursing homes that operate as medical facilities, most people there aren't having sex. They're hooked up on all kinds of tubes. They can't even have a bowel movement on their own, how are they going to have sex? Occasionally some old guy will roll around in his wheelchair peeping into the womens' rooms but that's about it.
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