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When a divorced man says he doesn't know why his ex-wife divorced him, he is either in denial of his own role in the failure of the marriage or he does indeed know why and he knows it will reflect badly on him, like he got caught cheating, he hit her, he spent the kids' college fund in Vegas, he committed a crime, etc. Both men and women who are self-actualized and honest with themselves know why their marriage failed. If any potential partner said they didn't know, I would run away as fast as I could. They still have some work to do on themselves.
I think there are just as many where it wasn’t one big event like cheating or stealing or abuse, but rather an erosion of the marriage due to character, personality or behavioural changes over time. A marriage may join two people but they still have their separate perspectives. Some couples are able to grow together, some grow apart, and it’s not always someone’s ‘fault’. Life stresses can take a toll on a person and change them in ways they aren’t always aware of either.
I think that’s what leaves many baffled and not knowing what went wrong, because they didn’t cheat or steal, it’s something about them as a person that wasn’t working in the marriage any longer. Maybe they got complacent and didn’t put in the effort. Maybe they were poor communicators and it wasn’t clear that something was wrong, because changes are subtle over time.
I also think that just because there were problems in a marriage that led to a divorce, doesn’t mean those problems will occur in a new relationship, because the previous marriage and the new relationship don’t involve the same two people.
I don’t think you can pre-screen for this when first meeting someone. You do have to know who you are and what you want out of life and that should set you on a good course, because as trite as it may sound, you attract what you are.
I think there are just as many where it wasn’t one big event like cheating or stealing or abuse, but rather an erosion of the marriage due to character, personality or behavioural changes over time. A marriage may join two people but they still have their separate perspectives. Some couples are able to grow together, some grow apart, and it’s not always someone’s ‘fault’. Life stresses can take a toll on a person and change them in ways they aren’t always aware of either.
I think that’s what leaves many baffled and not knowing what went wrong, because they didn’t cheat or steal, it’s something about them as a person that wasn’t working in the marriage any longer. Maybe they got complacent and didn’t put in the effort. Maybe they were poor communicators and it wasn’t clear that something was wrong, because changes are subtle over time.
I also think that just because there were problems in a marriage that led to a divorce, doesn’t mean those problems will occur in a new relationship, because the previous marriage and the new relationship don’t involve the same two people.
I don’t think you can pre-screen for this when first meeting someone. You do have to know who you are and what you want out of life and that should set you on a good course, because as trite as it may sound, you attract what you are.
Well said and very true. An erosion over time is hard to understand or explain. Takes time and reflection to figure out why for the one who didn't file for divorce.
I think there are just as many where it wasn’t one big event like cheating or stealing or abuse, but rather an erosion of the marriage due to character, personality or behavioural changes over time. A marriage may join two people but they still have their separate perspectives. Some couples are able to grow together, some grow apart, and it’s not always someone’s ‘fault’. Life stresses can take a toll on a person and change them in ways they aren’t always aware of either.
I think that’s what leaves many baffled and not knowing what went wrong, because they didn’t cheat or steal, it’s something about them as a person that wasn’t working in the marriage any longer. Maybe they got complacent and didn’t put in the effort. Maybe they were poor communicators and it wasn’t clear that something was wrong, because changes are subtle over time.
I also think that just because there were problems in a marriage that led to a divorce, doesn’t mean those problems will occur in a new relationship, because the previous marriage and the new relationship don’t involve the same two people.
I don’t think you can pre-screen for this when first meeting someone. You do have to know who you are and what you want out of life and that should set you on a good course, because as trite as it may sound, you attract what you are.
All of this is fair, although in the case of my ex-bf, "Mr. I don't know", his marriage only lasted 18 months before his wife wanted a divorce, so there really wasn't much time for things to erode.
Anyway, this is a very intelligent video for anyone who is interested. It covers why relationships (love) end and what dating is like today. The English starts at 0:52 mins. It's taking me time to work through it myself.
I think there are just as many where it wasn’t one big event like cheating or stealing or abuse, but rather an erosion of the marriage due to character, personality or behavioural changes over time. A marriage may join two people but they still have their separate perspectives. Some couples are able to grow together, some grow apart, and it’s not always someone’s ‘fault’. Life stresses can take a toll on a person and change them in ways they aren’t always aware of either.
I think that’s what leaves many baffled and not knowing what went wrong, because they didn’t cheat or steal, it’s something about them as a person that wasn’t working in the marriage any longer. Maybe they got complacent and didn’t put in the effort. Maybe they were poor communicators and it wasn’t clear that something was wrong, because changes are subtle over time.
I also think that just because there were problems in a marriage that led to a divorce, doesn’t mean those problems will occur in a new relationship, because the previous marriage and the new relationship don’t involve the same two people.
I don’t think you can pre-screen for this when first meeting someone. You do have to know who you are and what you want out of life and that should set you on a good course, because as trite as it may sound, you attract what you are.
This is a fantastic post. You made excellent points, and I agree with most of them. I do maintain, however, that there is often denial in "I don't know." People, men and women alike, often see the signs that their marriage needs work or their spouse is unhappy, but rationalize or otherwise choose to ignore that something is not quite right simply because it hurts. That is something that needs to be processed and worked out before they get involved with somebody new, or it will just happen again. It is how people get into patterns in their relationships.
One big example is people who seem to get involved over and over again with people who are low attachment/emotionally unavailable. They pour their love into the relationship, not really seeing or believing that their loved one simply does not or cannot reciprocate. The less love they receive, the more they give, thinking that if they just "try harder," the person will open up and be loving back. Then when their loved one pushes them away or leaves them, they feel blindsided. Although maybe women do this more than men, sometimes men do it, too.
Another type of denial comes from arrogance, often by men who make a lot of money and are big providers: Oh, she says she is angry but she will get over it. She will never leave me. She has it too good here. I give her everything she wants. And then she says, it is not about things, goodbye. I have heard that story more than once.
This is a fantastic post. You made excellent points, and I agree with most of them. I do maintain, however, that there is often denial in "I don't know." People, men and women alike, often see the signs that their marriage needs work or their spouse is unhappy, but rationalize or otherwise choose to ignore that something is not quite right simply because it hurts. That is something that needs to be processed and worked out before they get involved with somebody new, or it will just happen again. It is how people get into patterns in their relationships.
One big example is people who seem to get involved over and over again with people who are low attachment/emotionally unavailable. They pour their love into the relationship, not really seeing or believing that their loved one simply does not or cannot reciprocate. The less love they receive, the more they give, thinking that if they just "try harder," the person will open up and be loving back. Then when their loved one pushes them away or leaves them, they feel blindsided. Although maybe women do this more than men, sometimes men do it, too.
Another type of denial comes from arrogance, often by men who make a lot of money and are big providers: Oh, she says she is angry but she will get over it. She will never leave me. She has it too good here. I give her everything she wants. And then she says, it is not about things, goodbye. I have heard that story more than once.
I always think of a certain song in cases where one person is low attachment, namely dismissive avoidant. In this song, it is the woman who seems to be low attachment. These folks do want love, but they have deep issues that simply loving them more cannot fix. (Please forgive if the video doesn't show and you have to click it. I visit this site on a tablet and it is touchy.)
A divorce is essentially a legal break up that you need to go through the courts. If you weren't "legally" married then the entire divorce proceedings wouldn't happen.
Beyond that, something like 75% of divorces are filed by women not men. Most are based on financial issues, not cheating as most think. Many you see when they are older and their kids are off to college or gone from the nest, have been apart for awhile and just stayed together to get through those times. It is hard for people to stay together. How many best friends do you have that lasted 10 years, 20 years, or more.
Any divorced guys here not know why their wife wanted to divorce? Just wondering how common this is. I'm thinking about my ex and he told me that his ex-wife left him and when I asked why she left he said "I don't know". Has this happened to any other divorced guy? You don't know why she left you?
I am with you. Won't go into detail because I don't want bashed by all the perfect strangers here.
Any divorced guys here not know why their wife wanted to divorce? Just wondering how common this is. I'm thinking about my ex and he told me that his ex-wife left him and when I asked why she left he said "I don't know". Has this happened to any other divorced guy? You don't know why she left you?
My ex-wife would probably tell you that she doesn't know why I divorced her, but the thing is, I've told her more than once and she certainly does know, she either doesn't want to accept what I tell her or she just wants to be seen as a victim.
He certainly knows why his ex-wife left him and my guess is that she outlined exactly what she perceived was wrong with the relationship, asked him to work on it (either individually or together) and he did nothing to invest in the relationship or attempt to fix it, so she left.
In my experience with both marriage and dating, if someone "doesn't know" why they got divorced, it's a huge red flag because it speaks volumes about active listening and perception of reality. No one has to disclose details but responding with "He/She is a good person but it just didn't work out, someday I'll tell you the story" is significantly different from "I don't know."
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