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I AM intentionally trying to avoid getting into relationships with the type of women that did NOT work out in the past.
I was in a relationship for a year and a half with a woman about five years ago who started off as really sweet. At first she was only interested in being friends, but soon was interested in me romantically. Only a few months into our relationship, every little thing irritated her, she criticized most decisions I made, and felt the need to micromanage my life. She admits she's a control freak who can't help to see things in black and white. So she at least has that self-awareness. I clearly pointed out that no one else I know is irritated by those little things, and plenty of people I know who are in healthy relationships, have good jobs, and own houses also have those quirks. That didn't matter to her. She eventually drove me nuts and I got angrier and more easily triggered - and she was obsessed over alternative, naturopathic health, and an anti-vaxxer.
(I'm still nominally friends with - but I avoid her, because she STILL has to comment on my personal choices and decisions. She's a hard core anti-vaxxer. I told her that those who experienced serious side effects are very rare, and I am doing this for the greater good, because we need to get back to normal, full employment, government budget surplus, so we don't have desperate young people rioting or committing hate crimes, etc. so we can usher in a more stable period, but our politicians (who care more about re-election than the big picture) won't let us until we get to herd immunity through a She had NO comprehension of this. She just kept on insisting I was foolish and that I didn't listen to the documentaries she made me watch when we were together)
A couple years ago, I was in a relationship with a Filipina woman I met at church. She was deeply spiritual and religious. I however, valued church a bit more for the larger societal values of community, charity, tradition, etc. I explained to her, that I'm not really a "praying" type or "love God and Jesus", but I deeply value things like offering an alternative to crappy inner city public schools, non-governmental charities to help the poor and needy, and just the simply value of art and architecture that has changed little over the centuries, and that our ancient civilizations 2,000 years ago offer very real nuggets of insight and wisdom that are applicable in the 21st century. She felt I was a bit of a phony. I would like to meet someone for example, that has somewhat similar tepid middle of the road approach on religion.
Eventually in both instances, whether it is alternative health movements/a different diet every years, talk about naturopaths - I get to the point where I am just a little sick of the girlfriends talking about the same And then I end up being the jerk who then gets accused of being disingenuous, like I never cared about these things, when really its because they couldn't talk about anything else.
So yes, I am trying to attract women who might have a broad range of interests, able to see multiple perspectives so I don't "snap" and be like "I'm getting of sick. I really don't want to hear about naturopathic medicine or whatever" and now look like a jerk.
Because the thing is, I AM open minded and flexible, and listen to what women in life are interested in, and want to do, but when they either want to do the same thing every time or talk about the same thing all the time, I have repeatedly, reached a breaking point, and don't want to do that anymore or talk about that anymore, and even come across as condescending.
There are other examples. Years ago, I was close friends with a woman who I wasn't interested in romantically, (I thought she was a bit weird) who wanted to go to a Goth club every time we hung out until 2AM, and insisted that she drove, because even though she liked going out late, she was a complete teetotaler. She would not date me (wasn't interested anyways) and insisted that she drove, even if there was a chance I might have just one drink. Which means I was stuck with her the whole night, and my next day was shot as I didn't get home until 3AM.
So it IS I think important that I try at least, in a discrete, non-obvious way to screen out those women who are obsessed over a narrow thing so that I don't end up being that guy.
I'm not looking for a female clone of myself, I would like to meet someone however that at least GETS where I am coming from.
I mentioned in another thread I posted in the PSYCHOLOGY forum about whether women tend to be more obsessed over personal health than men:
I'm always making a conscious effort never to stereotype, generalize, but this past year, I really just made the observation that women, specifically among the ones that I know have had very intense feelings, opinions, and responses and reactions to the Covid pandemic.
It really seemed that women, more so than men fell on BOTH extremes regarding the pandemic.
Several women, including close friends were extremely afraid of getting severe covid, despite being healthy. Saying things like "I live alone, I have no one to take care of me" and so put on two masks, or told me I was brave for going to see a movie when the theaters opened up again in California, or refused to eat out inside the restaurant even when indoor dining was allowed again in California until she got both doses.
Conversely, the ones that are anti-vaccine, and think they can just boost their immune system with the one perfect diet avoiding all sugar, etc. and insist that others should do the same are also women. I have had female friends on Facebook unfriend me BOTH because I was saying things like "Its just a mask, there's no personal sacrifice - just wear it. Pick your battles" On the flip side, multiple women unfriended me on Facebook because I was more worried about the economic repercussions of the lockdowns and restrictions than Covid itself as they dragged on into the summer and fall to the point where I started thinking Trump and the Republicans were the lesser of two evils and certainly NOT the authoritarians (as well as the riots)
That's not the point - so please don't respond to those specific things. Don't tell me not to bring up politics. This about when you actually get established in the relationship.
This gets off on a tangent, but I do want to screen for those that are prone to having very intense feelings, because I know women like that will cause me to have a nervous breakdown, and I want to attract the chill ones.
This pandemic more than anything, has really hit home that I have to filter out women who are like this, as they will drive me to a real mental health breakdown!
The point is - yes I AM trying to screen out those I wouldn't be compatible with, in a discrete, not overt kind of way that is not off-putting and still stays fun and positive.
Feel free to comment, but try to stay away from the examples I gave. My past relations are not the point. Trying to avoid those personality types going forward is the point.
If you don't want anti-vaxxers, just say that. If you don't want people who are extremely religious, just say that. There are plenty of people who will be happy to connect with someone with those views, and the anti-vaxxers and extremely religious will be put off, which is what you seem to want.
The problem with your earlier general wishy washy nothingness is you are expecting others to judge themselves by your standards, which of course they won't. Do you think anti-vaxxers see themselves as close minded? My experience of them is that they think that they are more broad minded than others. Equally a vaccine research scientist may well read your wishy washy lines and think that your requirement for open mindedness means that you want someone you will be open to anti-vaxxer ideas, and will be turned off by that.
That's on top of it being really corporate and not a very fun profile.
My initial impression of your dating criteria was that they were too generic. How many people want to date someone depressed and/or narrow minded? Its the same problem I am imagine guys have with women's profiles that talk about loving holding hands, chocolate or long walks on the beach. There is nothing wrong with long walks on the beach but the fact that some woman like them doesn't tell you much about her or make her stand out.
But the bigger problem is that its not emotionally relevant. Its not funny and its not telling a story.
When a guy writes me online one of the biggest things in me deciding whether I agree to go out with him is is whether I think I would have a fun time spending a half hour having coffee or happy hour with the guy. If I think its going to be fun, generally I will say yes. If I think its going to be awkward, then I say no. I think most women are pretty much the same way here. Also I can't think you are some type of mass murderer.
But nothing in your wall of text kind of demonstrated that if I agree to meet up with you on a date that I am not going to be sitting around drinking coffee with some guy that doesn't have anything to say. From what I can tell you have devoted most of your profile to reasons why I shouldn't bother to go out with you without giving me any reasons I should.
On my own dating profile one of the lines that worked best is a caption under a picture of me in a fitted formal dress that just says "I clean up well, but looking at this would you ever guess that I know how to operate a tile saw? Thank you Dad!" But I think you want to have in your profile more tidbits that make you stand out and give the reader a reason to write to you to find out more about you.
After a lot of introspection and self-reflection over the past year or so, I've realized that one of the most important factors in finding a successful relationship is to know what you want and are compatible with. There are certain personality types that bring out the best in me - and this is what I will be looking for, even to the point in putting it in a dating profile.
However, I am interested in knowing your thoughts. What would you think if a guy listed these in an online dating profile?
1. I'm most compatible with positive attitudes and optimists. Do you see the glass as half full?
2. I have a broad range of interests and have always been best at teaching myself. Can you converse on a wide range of topics?
3. I believe there are pros and cons to most perspectives, and many factors that go in to choices and decisions. There is not one right way to do most things. Do you see things in black and white? Or as I would prefer, shades of grey?
4. Do you lean towards appreciation of that which is vintage, classic, and timeless and cautious about jumping into the latest trends of the cultural moment? I tend to be and hope you are too.
Are these reasonable things to look for in a partner? Would any of these set off any kind of red flag for you personally?
While, yes, these are all admirable things to look for, I wouldn't put those in any profile. Why?
1) Everybody thinks, "Well, yes, I'm those things."
2) Basically, you'll come off looking like some kind of arrogant snob, demanding women to jump through an arbitrary set of hoops for you to even deign to converse with them. They'll automatically wonder if you're all that yourself.
3) You rule out basic chemistry, which is such a weird and intangible thing.
You're far better off having an actual bona fide conversation. That'll tell you a lot more than their replies in a message.
I think the best dating profiles are concrete and specific. So I would recommend sharing personal favorites and anecdotes which highlight your "must haves" instead of listing them.
You are looking for a clone of yourself. I'd just look for someone who is honest, cheerful, romantic likes to have a good time, not materialistic or pessimistic or overly political.
I've never conversed on a wide range of topics with any woman I've had a romantic interest in. That's for friends. Everyone sees things in black and white unless they have no conscience. You sound like you want someone who would be OK with whatever you do or say.
Ha, interesting. My wife and I talk about everything and I’m glad for that, she’s very smart and we agree on virtually everything. I personally couldn’t be with anyone seriously who doesn’t see the world the way I do. I would have divorced a liberal during the last year in all honesty, they’d have driven me absolutely insane. They already do online let alone living in my house. And I’m sure they’d feel the same way about me! I don’t know how my best friend dates someone who is the polar opposite of him because all he does is complain to me how annoying it is. Then again he’s a police officer so conflict resolution and avoidance is a specialty ha ha.
I don’t agree that everyone sees things in black and white, but too many people do. Take Coronavirus, it’s hard to find people with a correct, data-based nuanced perspective. It’s either the scariest thing in the world and they act irrationally terrified or it’s nothing at all. Instead, the correct perspective is it’s not a significant or worrying threat to young people under 40, and it’s terrifying for anyone over 75, still scary for people 65, etc. Nuance. Most of the world isn’t black and white, the truth is relative to the situation.
OK, here is hopefully, finally a good revision that accurately communicates who I am and what I am looking for.
A few fun facts about me and what I am looking for
I love any music genre or group that blends and fuses multiple music genres and lyrical themes separated by decades or even centuries. From Americana-infused jam bands like the Grateful Dead to the European electro-swing bands like Caravan Palace, I'm a fan of any music that does this. It represents a very deeply held value that stresses universality of values that transcend time and space.
This carries over into my life, where I prefer to learn some basics skills and knowledge of a very wide range of topics and talent more than intense obsessive specialization, even if it means I'm seen as a "jack of all trades, master of none." It also means I am constantly thinking of ways to make our society less atomized and polarized, and a return to a post-social media version of our pre-social media culture.
One of my very few deal breakers is someone that tries to shove down and convert me to any particular lifestyle or believe system, whether that be health and diet, financial management choices, politics, religion, etc. If someone in my life is too laser focused on a particular past time or lifestyle choice to the exclusive of nearly everything else, and wants me to come along for the ride, I may very well go from being open minded and enthusiastic about it to feeling suffocated and ultimately resentful and hating that belief system or lifestyle choice.
Beyond that - lets meet for coffee or drinks and have some good stimulating conversation!
After a lot of introspection and self-reflection over the past year or so, I've realized that one of the most important factors in finding a successful relationship is to know what you want and are compatible with. There are certain personality types that bring out the best in me - and this is what I will be looking for, even to the point in putting it in a dating profile.
However, I am interested in knowing your thoughts. What would you think if a guy listed these in an online dating profile?
1. I'm most compatible with positive attitudes and optimists. Do you see the glass as half full?
2. I have a broad range of interests and have always been best at teaching myself. Can you converse on a wide range of topics?
3. I believe there are pros and cons to most perspectives, and many factors that go in to choices and decisions. There is not one right way to do most things. Do you see things in black and white? Or as I would prefer, shades of grey?
4. Do you lean towards appreciation of that which is vintage, classic, and timeless and cautious about jumping into the latest trends of the cultural moment? I tend to be and hope you are too.
Are these reasonable things to look for in a partner? Would any of these set off any kind of red flag for you personally?
I would list them as personal traits versus 20 questions.
OK, here is hopefully, finally a good revision that accurately communicates who I am and what I am looking for.
A few fun facts about me and what I am looking for
I love any music genre or group that blends and fuses multiple music genres and lyrical themes separated by decades or even centuries. From Americana-infused jam bands like the Grateful Dead to the European electro-swing bands like Caravan Palace, I'm a fan of any music that does this. It represents a very deeply held value that stresses universality of values that transcend time and space.
This carries over into my life, where I prefer to learn some basics skills and knowledge of a very wide range of topics and talent more than intense obsessive specialization, even if it means I'm seen as a "jack of all trades, master of none." It also means I am constantly thinking of ways to make our society less atomized and polarized, and a return to a post-social media version of our pre-social media culture.
One of my very few deal breakers is someone that tries to shove down and convert me to any particular lifestyle or believe system, whether that be health and diet, financial management choices, politics, religion, etc. If someone in my life is too laser focused on a particular past time or lifestyle choice to the exclusive of nearly everything else, and wants me to come along for the ride, I may very well go from being open minded and enthusiastic about it to feeling suffocated and ultimately resentful and hating that belief system or lifestyle choice.
Beyond that - lets meet for coffee or drinks and have some good stimulating conversation!
How's that?
I understand that you value particular genres of music but I wouldn't describe musical taste as a deeply held value. People think of values like integrity, honesty, compassion.
Paragraphs two and three are still unnecessarily wordy, imo. Why not give examples of the types of skills and knowledge instead of "a wide range of" and "more than intensive specialization".
"Thinking of ways to make society less atomized and polarized". Are you actually involved in anything that is making a difference or do you just think about things a lot?
Paragraph 3 sounds antagonistic, negative and critical.
Stimulating conversation, as long it's an approved topic? Honestly, this doesn't sound like you're trying to attract people to you.
Last edited by Katnan; 04-26-2021 at 01:19 PM..
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