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OK, here is hopefully, finally a good revision that accurately communicates who I am and what I am looking for.
A few fun facts about me and what I am looking for
I love any music genre or group that blends and fuses multiple music genres and lyrical themes separated by decades or even centuries. From Americana-infused jam bands like the Grateful Dead to the European electro-swing bands like Caravan Palace, I'm a fan of any music that does this. It represents a very deeply held value that stresses universality of values that transcend time and space.
This carries over into my life, where I prefer to learn some basics skills and knowledge of a very wide range of topics and talent more than intense obsessive specialization, even if it means I'm seen as a "jack of all trades, master of none." It also means I am constantly thinking of ways to make our society less atomized and polarized, and a return to a post-social media version of our pre-social media culture.
One of my very few deal breakers is someone that tries to shove down and convert me to any particular lifestyle or believe system, whether that be health and diet, financial management choices, politics, religion, etc. If someone in my life is too laser focused on a particular past time or lifestyle choice to the exclusive of nearly everything else, and wants me to come along for the ride, I may very well go from being open minded and enthusiastic about it to feeling suffocated and ultimately resentful and hating that belief system or lifestyle choice.
Beyond that - lets meet for coffee or drinks and have some good stimulating conversation!
How's that?
How many messages a day are you getting without this list of dating requirements?
I think if it were me, I would mention that you like the Grateful dead and Caravan Palace and I would skip the rest.
One of my female friends signed up for OKCupid. She had 500 likes on her first day and more than 3000 likes by the end of the first week. She was also getting 20 -25 first messages a day for the first week and 7 - 12 first messages after that plus another 5 - 7 follow up messages a day. She let me look at her profile. I was shocked.
The problem I think women have is that they get too many messages all at once and they are overwhelmed with the response, but they can't really complain about it without it coming across as a humble brag.
I think that is the reason they put stuff like if you have kids or voted for the wrong political candidate I am not interested is to just thin the torrent of replies some women are getting online.
But I will be honest I don't know any guys who are getting anywhere that type of response. On my best day I got 6 first messages from women. Basically I have time to read and respond to every woman who actually writes me. So I really don't need to tell women to not write me back based upon on some arbitrary criteria. Any women I write, I want them to write me back and if some woman wants to write me first that just makes it easier on me.
The second point I will make about your dating requirements is that they are too abstract. You have a very specific idea of what they mean in your head but I doubt most women have the time nor inclination to figure out what they mean in practice. Your dating criteria should be something concrete that is easy to understand like no smokers and no one with kids or who wants kids. Something that is very clear to understand, but the more abstract requirements are stuff that you figure out on dates.
I understand that you value particular genres of music but I wouldn't describe musical taste as a deeply held value. People think of values like integrity, honesty, compassion.
Paragraphs two and three are still unnecessarily wordy, imo. Why not give examples of the types of skills and knowledge instead of "a wide range of" and "more than intensive specialization".
"Thinking of ways to make society less atomized and polarized". Are you actually involved in anything that is making a difference or do you just think about things a lot?
Paragraph 3 sounds antagonistic, negative and critical.
Stimulating conversation, as long it's an approved topic? Honestly, this doesn't sound like you're trying to attract people to you.
I think you're totally missing the point.
OK, here is an example of learning the basics of skills. I would rather learn some basic steps of MULTIPLE dance styles from swing to salsa, rather than focus on getting really good at just one. I would rather engage in a range of outdoor pursuits ranging from hiking to camping, dabbling in ocassional horse back riding, rock climbing scrambling, kayaking, snorkeling, rather than being super focused and being the best at just one.
Integrity, honesty, compassion are vague values that everybody lists as their values. That is the widest cast net to the point of meaninglessness. Who doesn't value these things???
However, valuing a return to an American culture with cultural products (art, movies, music, etc. etc.) where there is more broad, universal appeal we had decades ago is however, is something that IS more targeted and filters out to those who share your more specific values.
Well, I try to do my best to do more than THINK about making society less atomized and polarized by dialoguing with people and finding people who also feel like this is one of our most pressing core issues!
I suppose I can still edit paragraph 3 to sound less antagonistic, negative, and critical.
Approved topics?? You're missing the point. ANY topic is APPROVED, as long as one is not so obsessed about that topic that they only talk about that topic to the exclusion of everything else, because they are living in their own social media bubble. One of my Exes confirmed to me that her obsession over the perfect healthy, non-GMO naturopathic diet recommended by practitioners, anti-vax, etc. is directly a product of finding a community online on Facebook, etc. where they can feel like they have a community - but then develop an echo chamber. Most importantly doesn't try to convert me!
I'm looking for someone that values TRANSCENDING the social media echo chambers that are ruining society! That's a specific value! Someone who is aware of this and recognizes this as a problem is someone I would be compatible with!
OK, here is an example of learning the basics of skills. I would rather learn some basic steps of MULTIPLE dance styles from swing to salsa, rather than focus on getting really good at just one. I would rather engage in a range of outdoor pursuits ranging from hiking to camping, dabbling in ocassional horse back riding, rock climbing scrambling, kayaking, snorkeling, rather than being super focused and being the best at just one.
Integrity, honesty, compassion are vague values that everybody lists as their values. That is the widest cast net to the point of meaninglessness. Who doesn't value these things???
However, valuing a return to an American culture with cultural products (art, movies, music, etc. etc.) where there is more broad, universal appeal we had decades ago is however, is something that IS more targeted and filters out to those who share your more specific values.
Well, I try to do my best to do more than THINK about making society less atomized and polarized by dialoguing with people and finding people who also feel like this is one of our most pressing core issues!
Annnnd...what are you actually trying to DO about it? It's one thing to talk the talk, but do you actually WALK the walk? I mean, do you TALK about the world-wide homeless problem, or do you actually contribute to helping solve the problem?
Quote:
I suppose I can still edit paragraph 3 to sound less antagonistic, negative, and critical.
Approved topics?? You're missing the point. ANY topic is APPROVED, as long as one is not so obsessed about that topic that they only talk about that topic to the exclusion of everything else, because they are living in their own social media bubble. One of my Exes confirmed to me that her obsession over the perfect healthy, non-GMO naturopathic diet recommended by practitioners, anti-vax, etc. is directly a product of finding a community online on Facebook, etc. where they can feel like they have a community - but then develop an echo chamber. Most importantly doesn't try to convert me!
I'm looking for someone that values TRANSCENDING the social media echo chambers that are ruining society! That's a specific value! Someone who is aware of this and recognizes this as a problem is someone I would be compatible with!
No, it's not a "value"; it's an opinion. Would be best if you recognized that much of life is subjective, and not objective.
Yes, many people 'value' honesty, for example. But many of those same people have A different view about what 'honesty' is.
It seems that you see the world as YOU are, instead of seeing the world as IT is.
After a lot of introspection and self-reflection over the past year or so, I've realized that one of the most important factors in finding a successful relationship is to know what you want and are compatible with. There are certain personality types that bring out the best in me - and this is what I will be looking for, even to the point in putting it in a dating profile.
However, I am interested in knowing your thoughts. What would you think if a guy listed these in an online dating profile?
1. I'm most compatible with positive attitudes and optimists. Do you see the glass as half full?
2. I have a broad range of interests and have always been best at teaching myself. Can you converse on a wide range of topics?
3. I believe there are pros and cons to most perspectives, and many factors that go in to choices and decisions. There is not one right way to do most things. Do you see things in black and white? Or as I would prefer, shades of grey?
4. Do you lean towards appreciation of that which is vintage, classic, and timeless and cautious about jumping into the latest trends of the cultural moment? I tend to be and hope you are too.
Are these reasonable things to look for in a partner? Would any of these set off any kind of red flag for you personally?
I think they are all reasonable but I tend to think in online dating, most people don't look much pass the age and the photo.
Annnnd...what are you actually trying to DO about it? It's one thing to talk the talk, but do you actually WALK the walk? I mean, do you TALK about the world-wide homeless problem, or do you actually contribute to helping solve the problem?
No, it's not a "value"; it's an opinion. Would be best if you recognized that much of life is subjective, and not objective.
Yes, many people 'value' honesty, for example. But many of those same people have A different view about what 'honesty' is.
It seems that you see the world as YOU are, instead of seeing the world as IT is.
Seriously, good luck with that.
I give regularly/monthly to several charities including Sierra Club, Nature Conservancy, UNHCR, Public radio, my church community, and I volunteer with multiple organizations from park and beach cleanups, to my local community garden to my cities natural history museum (not now because of Covid) . . .
I still think you're missing the point.
Reaching a cultural consensus, closer to what we had before the rise of social media - I suppose its an opinion that this is something we should try to do, but it IS also a value. Maybe it is something I should allude to, maybe it isn't. Personally I think it IS something I should allude to in a low key kind of way, because I know based on personal experience that relationships with women who are intense, laser-focused and obsessed followers of a very specific lifestyle path or set of beliefs isn't going to work out.
For example, I KNOW I wouldn't get along with EITHER women who are VERY religious and talk about "I serve God and love Jesus and so should you" AND I wouldn't get along with a woman who thinks "religion is the cause of all wars and racism" and instead focuses on "dismantling systems of oppression." BOTH are polarized views that freak me out. It would be great to meet someone that thinks on the moderate lines of "Churches have their place in our society. They provide community, charity, and comforting ritual, but hey if its not your thing? No biggie, you do you!" And then applies this to MANY issues as well.
You are looking for a clone of yourself. I'd just look for someone who is honest, cheerful, romantic likes to have a good time, not materialistic or pessimistic or overly political.
I've never conversed on a wide range of topics with any woman I've had a romantic interest in. That's for friends. Everyone sees things in black and white unless they have no conscience. You sound like you want someone who would be OK with whatever you do or say.
So, to avoid making assumptions (which I'm tempted to do), i will just ask --
IF you would ever consider getting married, would you care whether or not your future wife is someone with whom you could have interesting conversations?
Also, I think that seeing things as (1) black or white, or (2) in shades of gray has nothing to do with conscience, but just how deep a thinker someone is.
OK, here is hopefully, finally a good revision that accurately communicates who I am and what I am looking for.
A few fun facts about me and what I am looking for
I love any music genre or group that blends and fuses multiple music genres and lyrical themes separated by decades or even centuries. From Americana-infused jam bands like the Grateful Dead to the European electro-swing bands like Caravan Palace, I'm a fan of any music that does this. It represents a very deeply held value that stresses universality of values that transcend time and space.
This carries over into my life, where I prefer to learn some basics skills and knowledge of a very wide range of topics and talent more than intense obsessive specialization, even if it means I'm seen as a "jack of all trades, master of none." It also means I am constantly thinking of ways to make our society less atomized and polarized, and a return to a post-social media version of our pre-social media culture.
One of my very few deal breakers is someone that tries to shove down and convert me to any particular lifestyle or believe system, whether that be health and diet, financial management choices, politics, religion, etc. If someone in my life is too laser focused on a particular past time or lifestyle choice to the exclusive of nearly everything else, and wants me to come along for the ride, I may very well go from being open minded and enthusiastic about it to feeling suffocated and ultimately resentful and hating that belief system or lifestyle choice.
Beyond that - lets meet for coffee or drinks and have some good stimulating conversation!
How's that?
Keep it short and sweet. How about this, filling in the underlined:
I love music that blends multiple genres and themes, like the Grateful Dead or Caravan Palace.
Over the past year, I've learned to [x, y, and z.] I'm looking for a partner who enjoys trying new and different things just as much as I do.
I value differences of opinion and respectful discussion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tex?Il?
I know based on personal experience that relationships with women who are intense, laser-focused and obsessed followers of a very specific lifestyle path or set of beliefs isn't going to work out.
You seem to be intellectual and somewhat intense yourself, and likely seek out and/or attract women who are also intellectual and intense. (The tone of the mock profiles you've written would definitely have that effect.) I wonder if you would do better dating women who are more ideologically apathetic but with common interests in activities you could do together, and find a non-romantic outlet for your political/social/philosophical discussions.
Keep it short and sweet. How about this, filling in the underlined:
I love music that blends multiple genres and themes, like the Grateful Dead or Caravan Palace.
Over the past year, I've learned to [x, y, and z.] I'm looking for a partner who enjoys trying new and different things just as much as I do.
I value differences of opinion and respectful discussion.
You seem to be intellectual and somewhat intense yourself, and likely seek out and/or attract women who are also intellectual and intense. (The tone of the mock profiles you've written would definitely have that effect.) I wonder if you would do better dating women who are more ideologically apathetic but with common interests in activities you could do together, and find a non-romantic outlet for your political/social/philosophical discussions.
Bingo to the rewrite above. It's perfect.
I get looking for someone who is intellectual, but trying to force strangers to be awed by your intellect in the initial reading of a dating profile just makes you come across as unfun, rigid and a bit of a snob. If that's the vibe you're trying to get across, it's working. So there's that.
Keep it short and sweet. How about this, filling in the underlined:
I love music that blends multiple genres and themes, like the Grateful Dead or Caravan Palace.
Over the past year, I've learned to [x, y, and z.] I'm looking for a partner who enjoys trying new and different things just as much as I do.
I value differences of opinion and respectful discussion.
You seem to be intellectual and somewhat intense yourself, and likely seek out and/or attract women who are also intellectual and intense. (The tone of the mock profiles you've written would definitely have that effect.) I wonder if you would do better dating women who are more ideologically apathetic but with common interests in activities you could do together, and find a non-romantic outlet for your political/social/philosophical discussions.
Thank you! I think your post was the most helpful of all of them.
I think I will stick to your suggestions.
And I think that is interesting insight into me. Maybe I'm actually kind of intellectually intense in my own way, and like attracts like, but then I ultimately I feel a prisoner of a woman's intense personality. Maybe in terms of seeking out a mate I should just leave it at "I value difference of opinion and respectful discussion" and just leave it at that. Though I think I will just add "without either person trying to change the others mind" All I really want to is to feel autonomous in my freethinking in a relationship.
I think that might very well be the best solution to avoid women who suffocate me with their pushy intense views.
I get looking for someone who is intellectual, but trying to force strangers to be awed by your intellect in the initial reading of a dating profile just makes you come across as unfun, rigid and a bit of a snob. If that's the vibe you're trying to get across, it's working. So there's that.
Yes, I think in the process of avoiding the unfun, rigid, pushy, bossy girlfriends I've had in the past, I might very well have become what I am trying to steer clear of!
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