Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Having extremely limited relationship experience, I am not really familiar first-hand with what the flow of long-term relationships and marriages is like on a regular basis.
It varies tremendously, particularly relative to long-term relationships vs. marriage. That said, with experience, you’ll learn it’s not the day-to-day details which matter - but a desire to alleviate stress for (and be supportive of) one’s partner as well as managing conflict/communication.
People who are generous with their time/affection are going to experience greater levels of happiness (and less conflict overall).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Euskalherria
I work from home - my career and a side hustle - so I have time to cook and do all the domestic stuff... she doesn't 'have' to do anything. She shows up, everything is all set.
How do you have time for a career, side hustle, cooking, ‘all domestic stuff’ (and still have time to see each other)?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Euskalherria
My partner and I are not living together at this time - only time I did that was when I was married, so if 'E' and I make the decision to live together pre-marriage that would be something new.
If you’re not (even) living together, why are you cooking/doing ‘all the domestic stuff’ and she ‘simply shows up’, above? When I’ve been in relationships in which we don’t live together, cooking/cleaning has never been a part of it (other than a home-cooked meal sometimes, which we likely prepared together).
Just trying to get a general overview and snapshot of what an established LTR may kind of look like day-to-day.
Much of what you ask in the rest of your opening post sounds nothing short of hellish to me. I would last about ten minutes with that level of co-existence before my head exploded a la Scanners, yet somehow it's a desired state of being for many. Takes all sorts to make a world, I suppose, and good luck to every last one of you.
Without someone else to make time and room for, I have total freedom to do anything I choose. Which can also mean choosing to do nothing. My evenings and weekends are free to slob around the place in my pyjamas, watch, read and listen to whatever I like and very probably drop dead of a heart attack in my fifties after one meat lover's pizza too many. It may not be a common or very desirable goal, but I'll take it over a life lived by a timetable and a to-do list any day.
Fortunately none of what our friend S_G or others have suggested is compulsory. I can't imagine making the kind of major lifestyle adjustments the arrival of a partner would require, nor do I see much benefit in being or having one. Sure my immediate family's all gone now, most of my friends have married or moved away and the phone doesn't ring much any more, but that leaves me with more time to do my own thing at my own glacial pace.
Having extremely limited relationship experience, I am not really familiar first-hand with what the flow of long-term relationships and marriages is like on a regular basis.
I know this will differ wildly from couple to couple.
If you do not live together, how many days a week do you spend together? How often do you check in via text messages and phone calls? How long do you chat? How many nights a week do you spend together? Weekends? What activities do you do together?
For the married and cohabitating, what do your days look like? How do you start the day? When you get home, what do you do? Do you watch TV together? Talk? Who cooks and who cleans up? What stuff do you do? How do you end the day?
For all - what kinds of fun things do you do? Travel? Farmer’s markets? Date nights? Concerts? Do you split costs or take turns paying?
And if you care to share…how often do you uh, ahem…
Just trying to get a general overview and snapshot of what an established LTR may kind of look like day-to-day.
The best I can tell you is that living together is the same as being married. You are tied down, they expect you to run everything past them before making any plans, it's a committed thing.
Going together (an 'item') living apart is the key. Free time for yourself, your friends, your family and your partner. Well rounded. Not so smothering.
For me, it is different with every partner I have. Some are more active, some are not. Sometimes I am not fully in it mentally, meaning I do more my own thing, which is probably healthier anyway. Texting - A LOT.
Current guy, he lives 2.5 hours away. Been together 4 months. We first spent weekends together. Then Thursday evening -Monday night. I work from home so I am very flexible and therefore I am mostly driving to him. Now it turned into staying a whole week or 9 days, driving home for a few days.
When we are not together, we text. Mostly casual and dumb stuff - I don't want to discuss anything serious on the phone. We text maybe 10 texts during the day. Then all evening while we each do our own thing. We have been texting every day since 5 months.
When we are together, we mostly stay in bed, we both like to be nude (sorry, you asked). We watch tv, eat there, hang out and do sex stuff . We cook together. We barely go out to eat. Sometimes we mountainbike, we race our cars against each other in canyons, walk the dogs, hang out with his family (or my friends if he is at my place.). We go to carmeets. I help him with chores/errands. I keep his house clean while he is at work (my job is boring). We like to get drunk together a lot. Then we may play table tennis in underwear - he has a table in his living room while drinking/dancing/loud music/screaming/giggling, the dogs stumbling around in between, trying to be in the way. It is hilarious but I am not allowed to take a video. I am trying to get him to work out with me, so far, no success.
He is not very deep, so discussing politics or much of substance is difficult but I am not giving up trying. We are discussing how we spend our money, where we want to go on vacation, what we are going to buy, future plans, etc. We are watching instagram and facebook videos together every day for up to an hour (I am not really into that but I take one for the team here).
Previous relationship (last year) - he had a horse ranch with lots of other animals. I helped him feed/clean stalls, cooked for him, we went to the gym every day together, ran all errands together, watched tv in bed every night and ate in bed every night. Did not really go out much. Not much texting since we lived together and spent pretty much 24/7 together. We had great conversations about pretty much everything.
We sometimes get involved in conversations that last for hours. We love to talk and enjoy sharing our thoughts with one another.
This is a mystery to me - I don't talk a lot but I have dated men who do. However, at some point, you know each other well and you have discussed everything. What is left is current changes the world, stuff on the news, work, and movies. But that does not last hours (for me).
How can you spend so much time together and still have enough material to talk about for hours??
This is a mystery to me - I don't talk a lot but I have dated men who do. However, at some point, you know each other well and you have discussed everything. What is left is current changes the world, stuff on the news, work, and movies. But that does not last hours (for me).
How can you spend so much time together and still have enough material to talk about for hours??
We'd been together for over six years before I started letting him teach me how to play Magic: The Gathering. We had both been alive a long while on the earth and done lots of stuff before we ever met. We have endless stories to share with each other, and have not yet covered all of that ground. We watch a show and sometimes discuss it afterwards. We get all into philosophical stuff, political stuff, dreams, and ideas.
I mean, I've been here on CD for 11+ years and still come up with stuff to write long azz posts about. There might be some repeat in the content, but I still have an original thought or two up my sleeve now and then.
Personally I cannot imagine texting back and forth all day. But that's just one of those things not everyone has in common. A friend of mine had a much younger partner once (40s/20s) and they ran into serious conflict because the younger one wanted and expected lots of texting, immediate replies and so on. My friend just doesn't carry her phone around in her hand all the time. I'm OK with texts but there are times I won't respond for hours, and I HATE voicemails, though I enjoy long phone conversations. My husband treats his cell phone like a land line and leaves it at home when he goes out!
That reminds me. My Mom and I can still talk for hours, as often as once every 1-2 weeks, and we've known one another my entire life.
Thank you to those who have shared. It really does seem like there is a rhythm, an actual flow like the title says, and that compatibility and shared interests is key.
100% true. Sometimes little things can turn into a massive issue. I had a bf once, he could not get into gear before noon. I am an early person. We woke up at 6 or 7am. I was ready to go to the gym but he kept stalling. We hung out in bed until 8. Then breakfast until 9. Then I tried again, lets go to the gym. He stalled, was in the bathroom forever. I am waiting. Then doing some other stuff here and there. I am waiting. It is 10am now. I am internally fuming. Then he remembered that he forgot ... or needs to call ... or pay the bill x... Now it is 11am. I am saying, okay, I am going alone. Then he gets mad, says he is almost ready. But then x happens. And suddenly it is noon. And we can finally go to the gym. But now I am tired and hungry again. And when I express it, we had an argument. All the frigging time. Then we go to the gym at 1, come home after, shower, and he says "oh no, the day is almost over. We did not really do anything" oh really?????
This dance happened for two years. Pretty much every weekend I tried to get him to leave the house early for the gym. AND IT JUST DID NOT HAPPEN. I tried to sneak out at 8am, came back after and he was angry because he wanted to go with me. I tried so many different variations, but always failed. Maybe 3x total was when I succeeded and we went early.
But then he was up until midnight and did not understand that I am too tired to go to the gym at 7pm on weekdays. Or have an intellectual conversation at 8pm. My brain shuts down early and all I can do is watch tv and relax, while he was fully functioning and eager to do stuff at night.
We'd been together for over six years before I started letting him teach me how to play Magic: The Gathering. We had both been alive a long while on the earth and done lots of stuff before we ever met. We have endless stories to share with each other, and have not yet covered all of that ground. We watch a show and sometimes discuss it afterwards. We get all into philosophical stuff, political stuff, dreams, and ideas.
I mean, I've been here on CD for 11+ years and still come up with stuff to write long azz posts about. There might be some repeat in the content, but I still have an original thought or two up my sleeve now and then.
Personally I cannot imagine texting back and forth all day. But that's just one of those things not everyone has in common. A friend of mine had a much younger partner once (40s/20s) and they ran into serious conflict because the younger one wanted and expected lots of texting, immediate replies and so on. My friend just doesn't carry her phone around in her hand all the time. I'm OK with texts but there are times I won't respond for hours, and I HATE voicemails, though I enjoy long phone conversations. My husband treats his cell phone like a land line and leaves it at home when he goes out!
That reminds me. My Mom and I can still talk for hours, as often as once every 1-2 weeks, and we've known one another my entire life.
That's so amazing!!! Just does not happen for me. After a while, he knows my all of my views/ideas/dreams. We do watch shows and pause them and discuss stuff about it.
Maybe it is just because I generally do not talk much. And my crazy stories from my youth I rather keep for myself.
We are texting just stupid stuff- making our own videos and send them to each other. Like him drawing a heart into the sand and funny stuff. Sending each other funny/crazy videos from social media. Texting about what we are watching, what we are cooking/eating/how work was/forgot my lunch/wallet/traffic sucked/dad is sick/dog threw up/a car cut me off/old lady yelled/head hurts, ....
That's so amazing!!! Just does not happen for me. After a while, he knows my all of my views/ideas/dreams. We do watch shows and pause them and discuss stuff about it.
Maybe it is just because I generally do not talk much. And my crazy stories from my youth I rather keep for myself.
We are texting just stupid stuff- making our own videos and send them to each other. Like him drawing a heart into the sand and funny stuff. Sending each other funny/crazy videos from social media. Texting about what we are watching, what we are cooking/eating/how work was/forgot my lunch/wallet/traffic sucked/dad is sick/dog threw up/a car cut me off/old lady yelled/head hurts, ....
I think maybe that's part of it, too...we don't always talk for hours at a time, but since we don't talk a ton throughout the day (even though we are both at home, I am working and he's retired) if there is anything notable to share, we save it up until the evening rather than sharing more or less when it happens.
And I won't lie...we talk about people we know. He tells me about whatever is going on with his Dad. We have interesting friends back in Colorado that I talk to on the phone, and it's understood that unless asked not to, I'll share updates with my husband later. And since that couple that I used to date are still navigating a rather complicated polyamory lifestyle, there does tend to be quite a bit to talk about! But while it may be a little gossipy, it isn't malicious in nature. And like I said, I'm not sharing any confidences without permission or anything. They know and don't mind, or they ask me to keep something to myself and I do.
LOL my favorite kind of "drama"...the kind I am not actually really involved in! And also, calls to said friends tend to update me on the current happenings at the club, and we talk about that, too. They are dealing with a loony "protester" guy harassing people now, and that's been quite the evolving story.
It varies tremendously, particularly relative to long-term relationships vs. marriage. That said, with experience, you’ll learn it’s not the day-to-day details which matter - but a desire to alleviate stress for (and be supportive of) one’s partner as well as managing conflict/communication.
People who are generous with their time/affection are going to experience greater levels of happiness (and less conflict overall).
How do you have time for a career, side hustle, cooking, ‘all domestic stuff’ (and still have time to see each other)?
If you’re not (even) living together, why are you cooking/doing ‘all the domestic stuff’ and she ‘simply shows up’, above? When I’ve been in relationships in which we don’t live together, cooking/cleaning has never been a part of it (other than a home-cooked meal sometimes, which we likely prepared together).
Not having a commute anymore definitely helps - I get so much more done now at home and she lives very close by so there's little time spent getting from A to B and vice-versa.
During the day, when she works, I will see her at lunch - she works about 5 mins away from my place - and she will, more times than not, come over after she leaves work - she gets off later than I do so when she arrives dinner is made and so forth. Some nights she'll stay overnight, especially if she is not working the next day.
We spend almost all our 'indoor time' at my place - for one, she lives with her family, many Latinos/Latinas live with family, sometimes extended family. I live alone, so I do all the domestic stuff... not only for me, of course, but also for her when she is here. And I do it because I LIKE doing it. Cooking is one of my passions so it is not a chore - I love doing it for both of us.
And when it comes to intimacy, there is no better place than my place. Nuff said.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
. We cook together. We barely go out to eat. Sometimes we mountainbike, we race our cars against each other in canyons, walk the dogs, hang out with his family (or my friends if he is at my place.). We go to carmeets. I help him with chores/errands. I keep his house clean while he is at work (my job is boring). We like to get drunk together a lot. Then we may play table tennis in underwear - he has a table in his living room while drinking/dancing/loud music/screaming/giggling, the dogs stumbling around in between, trying to be in the way. It is hilarious but I am not allowed to take a video. I am trying to get him to work out with me, so far, no success.
