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Wow. I have a lot to respond to. So many responses were very thought-out and passionate. However, I feel over time some things I said in my original post have been lost or misinterpreted.
I am the one with the problem. This does not mean I am obsessive or a bad person.
I do not feel a need to change him. I wouldn't mind it if he did though.
We have never once argued over food.
This is not a dealbreaker. And yes, I knew about his eating habits when we dated. His neophobia with food does not apply to much else. He's very easygoing with trying things- just not food.
I do not nag, argue, or force him to try foods. I offer a food. If he says no I leave it alone. When I wrote the OP it was after a time when I felt I was pushing him to try a food. I felt bad about it and talked to him later and I apologized. He said I didn't need to apologize- I didn't come across as pushy. That time was an anomaly. I don't normally offer something more than once. So please understand I am coming from a place of not wanting to belittle or change or force anything on him. I do love him as he is.
He does have ADHD and all the issues that come with that- we are fine with it.
However, he seems proud that he's been expanding his food horizons. This leads to a confusing space for me as I don't want to come across as pushy but want to be encouraging.
When I say limited diet I mean incredibly restrictive.
I can't hide vegetables or ingredients in his food. He asks what's in everything. I won't lie to him.
A few people have said I sound like a food snob and yeah I do jokingly refer to myself that way. It's not really about being a snob I just like learning about food and culture and am adventurous.
I have started to make myself salads and cook whole meals that are just for me and I eat them for days but make dinners that we can share. These dinners are sometimes satisfying to me but usually not so much. It's just a lot of same-colored food but I can live with it.
He's agreed to occasionally learn to cook one thing. I taught him how to make ribs. He actually does not know cooking basics but he can now make some very nice ribs. That fixes an issue with boredom for me because if we are eating ribs every other week it takes the passion out of cooking for me. Plus I do like being the recipient of a home-cooked meal and not being the one to cook all of the time.
Why is this important to me? Food is cultural and familial to me. Cooking food and eating together is a wonderful thing for people to share. It is like music. It's unifying cross-culturally. It plays a role in relating to people for me. Again this is my problem. Just because food never played an important role in his family life doesn't mean he's lacking. It can be frustrating to me because I don't understand the logic of it. I look for logic where there is none. Like many have said this is a psychological issue whether it was originally somatic or still is to some extent who knows. But learning the specifics is taking a long time and mental energy. For example, he said he likes beans so my friend made beans for dinner which he wouldn't eat. We only then learned he likes one brand of baked beans and no other brand and no other form of beans. Fine. No problem now I know. But it is stuff like that which makes meal planning hard. And it does take a lot of time and effort to meal plan. He will not cook for himself. He'll microwave something or get something out before cooking.
I really miss the feeling of making a special dinner and having it be a bonding experience that is enjoyed.
Yes, I don't like him living off fast food and wondering why home-cooked food doesn't have the "flavor explosion" of fast food. He's not had blood work and is overdue. He's never had a colonoscopy either. In the last few years I've known too many men who died specifically because they were bigger and had a poor diet and neglected doctors' visits. I do worry about him. I can't control when he goes or doesn't go to a doctor though. We don't have that kind of relationship. We keep things very independent. So again, it's my choice to stay with him because I love him and he is wonderful. But of course, I want him to be around for a long time.
His mother is going to be undergoing radiation and during that time she's been told by her doctors that she will physically not be able to cook due to her co-morbidities. She is now concerned because her husband only knows how to make eggs. I've made a deal with SO that WE (the two of us- not just me) will cook at least one big meal a week and deliver it. This way he learns how to cook a few things and I can learn what he and his family like and don't like.
There were a lot of good suggestions from those who love picky eaters and some valuable insights given by people who self-identify as picky eaters. I hear the frustration over having others try to change you. I hear that it's not a simple choice. I don't think anyone chooses to not like food. It makes socializing much harder. I do have a dairy allergy so I know the anxiety of having to go to a restaurant and worry about what I can order. I have to ask questions, call ahead etc. Weddings are usually a bit of a nightmare. When SO and I eat out I have to ask those questions and he has to make a lot of modifications to his order. We tip well though.
I think it is more to do with the WORK involved in attempting to simplify mealtimes, while still needing to shop and prepare food she would normally have. Having a more broad range of choices herself, it comes down to her having to consider what they can possibly share, but needing to prepare two separate meals, always. It seems he is not open to preparing his own meals either, with her having extra to do, focusing upon dealing with separate items, which would become wearing upon a person. If he was actively involved in the process of taking care of his own needs, that would be one thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oceangaia
No, she doesn't prepare two separate meals. Re-read the post. If he doesn't like what she made he pops something into the microwave. He manages to eat something. What she means by he won't prepare his meals is that he isn't into concocting a custom meal following recipes and mixing ingredients. He's in his 50's and has managed to not die of hunger so far. Not "cooking" is not the same thing as not eating.
In response to - quoting OP:
- snip -
Quote:
Originally Posted by AndCatsForAll
I admit that I'm frustrated. He doesn't cook and truly doesn't care about meals for the week. So I try to plan meals and frequently I spend too many hours agonizing over what to make that we can both eat. Economically we aren't in a position to be eating totally different things and I don't have the time or kitchen space to prepare two separate meals but I don't like the alternative of him eating more highly processed unhealthy foods at his age.
... I want some of the pressure of always being the one to cook and plan meals to come off of me
Last edited by In2itive_1; 10-14-2022 at 09:53 PM..
Reason: Additions
It sounds like she doesn't HAVE to plan/cook two meals. He's happy to pop something in the microwave or open a can. And now there's also take-out, delivery, fast food, and restaurants; amazing! That's how I live and a lot of non-cooks live, and that's no doubt how he lived before he met her. It's fine; he'll survive. It's just that she WANTS them to be eating and enjoying the same things; that's "bonding" to her. Again, I'm not sure why this is suddenly such a big problem; it's not like they just met. Accept it or move on?
Not sure what advice OP is seeking here (maybe just validation).
1. The OP's significant other prefers fast foods/frozen foods that can be popped in the microwave, about which the OP is concerned is unhealthy (and unimaginative and boring), and
2. The OP is stressing about figuring out meals that take time, energy and probably money, and not being able to share and enjoy food together.
Call me a cynic... I think that's going to get old sooner than later.
Let him buy his own food and nuke it. You buy yours and prepare it. Maybe along the way he'll see what you've prepared and want to sample it. That's probably happened already, albeit at a snail's pace.
Not that my opinion matters, but I wouldn't want to live with someone who's only into fast, pre-prepared food if I were as into cooking nutritious interesting meals as the OP is. My housemate likes a lot of that nukable stuff, and a lot of it is unhealthy. He also prefers paper plates and plastic ware even though there is more than enough of the normal kind available. It is what it is. I'm not in a relationship with him so it's easy to let it go. I get it that this is a dilemma, especially if the guy is great in other ways, as mentioned.
OP, thank you for coming back to the thread and adding more context to your situation!
I do get the sense that you are just looking for relatively comfortable ground somewhere in the middle of all of this, and that you love your partner and that you want to make this work.
That's a fantastic plan you've made where he's going to help prepare meals to take to his mother while she needs help!
Another thing I can say, as a picky eater, is that every time I try something new and it actually does work out and I can at least tolerate it, let alone end up liking it... It is not only a moment where I feel proud of myself for trying, but I feel overjoyed that I can add another "safe" food to my dietary repertoire. Like I said, I don't think that most picky people really want to be picky. I think you get that. Every new food that is OK, is something to celebrate.
One thing that I might suggest that might help you think about all of this, if you haven't done it yet...
Sit down with him and have him write out a list of foods that he likes. And a list of food that he does NOT like. The really cool benefit of having you around, is that you have a wider familiarity with the realities of various foods, so you can think of things that may have similar qualities (texture may be more important than flavor, unless a flavor is especially intense.) So he likes one brand of baked beans. Can he imagine liking beans that are not sweet? Or is the sweet flavor necessary? I discovered somewhere along the way that I love black beans, navy, pinto, kidney beans...but I won't touch a lima bean. There is a texture/flavor profile to some beans but not others. So try to find things that are not a huge leap away from what he feels safe eating.
And yes, expand his knowledge of cooking. If you haven't done so yet, I suggest you introduce him to crock pot cooking. I am able to cook roasts even using vegetables I won't eat, by using large enough chunks that I can pull out a piece of meat (and some potatoes) without getting any onion on my plate. Or if I were really worried about it, I could probably put chunks of veggies into like a little cheesecloth bundle, and put them in there to impart some flavor and cook for those who like them, but then I wouldn't have to be afraid of rogue onions sneaking into my own portion. Seriously onions are the devil. I actually like their flavor but biting into one gives me the heebie jeebies.
Another thing that has helped me is to turn away from processed foods and towards what feel like quality "real" (but still basic) foods. So I won't buy sliced bread, but I will get the kind of French or Italian bread you bake for ten minutes at home that is crusty and warm. I don't buy fake cheese anymore, only the real stuff. No soda, only tea and juice. A perfect meal for me might be a big warm chunk of bread with real butter, a sliced Gala apple, a small portion of some kind of meat, a chunk of smoked cheddar or Bellavitano cheese, and a glass of iced tea. I don't have the "foods touching" issue, but just making food so elemental makes me really happy, for some reason. Simple but quality is my ideal diet.
The thing about this as a psychological issue, is more than just a matter of comfort and preference, it is one of control and safety. (Feeling in control of one's own life and safe with regard to available food meeting needs, not meaning to say "controlling" of others.) Once a picky eater feels safe, and starts to feel like nothing is threatening our control over our lives and things are OK...over time, we can start to adjust gradually. I won't ever be an adventurous eater. I don't have a desire to travel outside of the US, especially to anywhere but Europe or Canada where I am somewhat confident I could find food that I could eat. I can practically guarantee that I will never visit South America, Africa or Asia. This does not bother me. If my partner did want to, I would encourage him to do that with friends or family of his, and I would stay home, and that would be OK for us. We don't always have to do every single thing together!
I think that part of building a long term relationship that works, is finding ways to accept that you won't always have EVERYTHING in common or be able to share everything. But most of us were never trying to partner with a clone of ourselves, I think that would be pretty boring, yes? So we let each other have the spaces for difference, and appreciate the other areas where we can come together. Husband and I have different food preferences and needs...but we like the same books, movies, TV, a lot of music, card and board games, etc. I like rowdy concerts, he doesn't, so I go alone to those...he likes standing in lines for autographs at conventions and that's not my thing. So he goes on his own or with a friend. There are things we share, and things we enjoy separately.
I think it boils down to this... He eats to live, and she lives to eat. Maybe that makes them incompatible due to HER (as she admits) hang-up. If his other attributes don't outweigh the fact that he just plain doesn't really care about food, then it's probably best they break up so she isn't forever torturing him by fixating on this topic. If she was able to let it go, she would have by now. Yet here she is...
If she was able to let it go, she would have by now. Yet here she is...
That seems overly pessimistic. She's run into a new and somewhat uncomfortable situation. I think it's pretty normal to want to vent over something she finds frustrating and possibly confusing. It can help to know you aren't alone in finding a situation to be difficult or challenging. I give her props for coming here to get some understanding and advice.
That seems overly pessimistic. She's run into a new and somewhat uncomfortable situation. I think it's pretty normal to want to vent over something she finds frustrating and possibly confusing.
How is it new? They didn't just meet and immediately move in together. He didn't just now revert from a gourmet to a fast-food junkie.
The answer is obvious: make it available and encourage him, which she's been doing. He's an adult, and she's not his mother, employer, or master and can't force him. Accept it or don't.
Seems to me she just wants a bunch of foodies (this is the Food forum; not the Relationship forum) telling her she's right and he's wrong, which - okay - that's one use of C-D!
New in that she's never had to live with, or fix very many meals for someone who is a picky eater. It isn't insurmountable, but it can be daunting if you've never had to deal with before. Seems to me like the food forum would be a good place to ask if there were any tips or tricks to help in such a situation. YMMV
I'm in a new relationship and am living with a wonderfully fun, adventurous SO. We are going on around 10 months of living together. He's in his early 50's and I'm a half-decade behind him. He is a picky eater. I could be dropped anywhere on the globe and eat local cuisine happily. My list of shocking tried foods is above average. I can cook he cannot cook.
It's the only real issue we have and really it is MY issue and not his. He's perfectly happy not eating vegetables, having no seasoning, and only eating one type of bread. He doesn't like texture, food touching other foods etc. I need a variety of textures and colors and well nutrients!
I was concerned about this before he moved in and it hasn't gotten better. I don't want this to be a source of friction. I'm trying really hard not to pressure him to try my bread (for example). Since moving in with me he's returned to eating some of the vegetables he ate growing up. So instead of just liking corn and potato and peas he now eats carrots and green beans.
We went out to a restaurant with his family for someone's birthday. He ordered a meal with no vegetables but he grabbed a string bean off my plate and ate it. Four members of his family whipped out their cellphones and took pictures. His parents were just agog.
I'm not sure how to proceed. Again I feel this is my issue. He's happy (or seems so) eating this way. Although, I do worry it's unhealthy. He eats fast-food daily and will eat stouffers frozen things or pizza for dinner if I don't cook something he likes. Fine. He's not forcing me to change my ways so I shouldn't force him either.
But then he seems proud to be eating more vegetables than he used to. He was married before and his wife at the time also was a picky eater. They never cooked. Meals were brought in or simple things like frozen meatballs and pasta or sandwiches. He went years without vegetables.
I admit that I'm frustrated. He doesn't cook and truly doesn't care about meals for the week. So I try to plan meals and frequently I spend too many hours agonizing over what to make that we can both eat. Economically we aren't in a position to be eating totally different things and I don't have the time or kitchen space to prepare two separate meals but I don't like the alternative of him eating more highly processed unhealthy foods at his age.
I bring this up from time to time but it's increasing in frequency because I'm restricting my diet too much.
Meals focused on BBQ meat as the main and tiny veggie side with mashed potato or white rice is not nutrient-rich enough for me. Worse than that are burger nights or hotdog nights. I don't want to force him to try new foods but I am worried about his health. So many men in his age group have heart attacks. He's a bit overweight but in ok shape, because he's got an active job but at home he lays down a lot and watches tv. So if he were ever to retire...I know his health is going to take a hit eventually.
I want to try to talk to him and find out if he is happy with things as they are or if he wants to make a slow change. I'm getting mixed signals on that. I also want to know how we can work together so that we can both be happy with what we are eating and for my greedy part- I want some of the pressure of always being the one to cook and plan meals to come off of me. But I know that as a picky eater this is a sensitive topic for him. I don't want him to feel attacked or like I am nagging.
I've done research on picky eating and selective eating disorders but there's mostly guidance for self-help. Not much for the people who live with them. Can anyone relate or have any advice or guidance they can offer?
He's 50. He will not change. It's your problem. Go where you can each find what you want, or you move on
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Seriously onions are the devil. I actually like their flavor but biting into one gives me the heebie jeebies. 
