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He's 50. He will not change. It's your problem. Go where you can each find what you want, or you move on
Yep.
I've said as much. Cooking, sharing, eating together and socializing over meals is important to the OP and she won't get that out of this relationship.
I've seen this exact scenario in action. It's sad. She somehow thinks she is the problem. Which says volumes. When you aren't getting what you need and then blame yourself as if it's your fault... which technically it is, I guess as you choose your partner.
I agree the OP is not the problem. The problem is she takes enormous pleasure in things that he doesn't. That is going to wear thin and the relationship might fizzle out as time goes on. Its a shame because he seems to be a good fit in other ways. IMO this is too big an issue to deal with. I wouldn't do it, but I'm not the OP. But she is not the problem. They're just not compatible in a very intrinsic way.
I don't actually have the impression that she has anywhere near as much of a "problem" with this, as many other posters do, imagining themselves in her shoes.
It seems to me like she does not want this to be a dealbreaker and is looking for strategies for compromise and ways for them to function together despite this challenge. And I think that while one CAN certainly see this as an insurmountable difference, I'm pretty sure that there have been long, happy marriages that looked a lot more unlikely to outsiders because of some other significant difference... I think that if there is enough love and compatibility in other areas, they can work through this. But the important thing, like so many issues one can encounter in relationships, is to find a way to work as a TEAM rather than pushing and pulling in conflict. And I am seeing signs that this may be possible.
She will have to accept that changes may be painfully gradual, and are never likely to amount to a total transformation. He will have to accept that there will be times he should be prepared to cook for himself, that he needs to learn to do so, and that some willingness to occasionally try a new thing will go a long way. It is neither "his problem" nor "her problem" if they both want to have a successful relationship...it is a matter they'll need to work on, together.
I have, as a picky eater, never been in a relationship with another picky eater. And yet it was not a conflict in my first marriage (other things were, but this never mattered) and it is not a conflict now in my second...despite the diet my husband is presently on, he is in general a very adventurous eater.
The OP referred to herself AS the problem. And that it's her problem.
Insofar as she's making an issue of her problem, which is her dislike of his eating habits, I would agree with her that she IS the problem. If she didn't make an issue of it, she would merely have one and not be one...
Accept him or walk away; those are her only options.
I want some of the pressure of always being the one to cook and plan meals to come off of me. But I know that as a picky eater this is a sensitive topic for him.
Why is this important to me? Food is cultural and familial to me. Cooking food and eating together is a wonderful thing for people to share. It is like music. It's unifying cross-culturally. It plays a role in relating to people for me. Again this is my problem.
I understand what you are saying Sonic, but these things above are going to get old. She said he's agreed to learn to cook, but really.... does he want to? Likely not.
The second paragraph is even more important. That's the real issue here. She's going to have to learn to get over that, and that's a tall order.
The analogy that comes to mind for me is: three important people in my life do NOT like birthdays and they don't think birthdays are important. This takes the fun out of it for other people, including me.
Two of those people HATE the holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas... actually, any holiday. It's a drag and a downer for those who love the holidays, including me. The food, the decorations, the scents, the gatherings. It's a bummer when they snark about it and refuse to celebrate it. And because they don't want to, everyone else has to suffer. That's an extreme example, but that's the one I have. At least the OP's b/f isn't being unpleasant about it. But still.
Insofar as she's making an issue of her problem, which is her dislike of his eating habits, I would agree with her that she IS the problem. If she didn't make an issue of it, she would merely have one and not be one...
Accept him or walk away; those are her only options.
I agree. And accepting him is going to wear thin after time. IMO it will make her sad and frustrated. IMO.
I'm in a new relationship and am living with a wonderfully fun, adventurous SO. We are going on around 10 months of living together. He's in his early 50's and I'm a half-decade behind him. He is a picky eater. I could be dropped anywhere on the globe and eat local cuisine happily. My list of shocking tried foods is above average. I can cook he cannot cook.
It's the only real issue we have and really it is MY issue and not his. He's perfectly happy not eating vegetables, having no seasoning, and only eating one type of bread. He doesn't like texture, food touching other foods etc. I need a variety of textures and colors and well nutrients!
I was concerned about this before he moved in and it hasn't gotten better. I don't want this to be a source of friction. I'm trying really hard not to pressure him to try my bread (for example). Since moving in with me he's returned to eating some of the vegetables he ate growing up. So instead of just liking corn and potato and peas he now eats carrots and green beans.
We went out to a restaurant with his family for someone's birthday. He ordered a meal with no vegetables but he grabbed a string bean off my plate and ate it. Four members of his family whipped out their cellphones and took pictures. His parents were just agog.
I'm not sure how to proceed. Again I feel this is my issue. He's happy (or seems so) eating this way. Although, I do worry it's unhealthy. He eats fast-food daily and will eat stouffers frozen things or pizza for dinner if I don't cook something he likes. Fine. He's not forcing me to change my ways so I shouldn't force him either.
But then he seems proud to be eating more vegetables than he used to. He was married before and his wife at the time also was a picky eater. They never cooked. Meals were brought in or simple things like frozen meatballs and pasta or sandwiches. He went years without vegetables.
I admit that I'm frustrated. He doesn't cook and truly doesn't care about meals for the week. So I try to plan meals and frequently I spend too many hours agonizing over what to make that we can both eat. Economically we aren't in a position to be eating totally different things and I don't have the time or kitchen space to prepare two separate meals but I don't like the alternative of him eating more highly processed unhealthy foods at his age.
I bring this up from time to time but it's increasing in frequency because I'm restricting my diet too much.
Meals focused on BBQ meat as the main and tiny veggie side with mashed potato or white rice is not nutrient-rich enough for me. Worse than that are burger nights or hotdog nights. I don't want to force him to try new foods but I am worried about his health. So many men in his age group have heart attacks. He's a bit overweight but in ok shape, because he's got an active job but at home he lays down a lot and watches tv. So if he were ever to retire...I know his health is going to take a hit eventually.
I want to try to talk to him and find out if he is happy with things as they are or if he wants to make a slow change. I'm getting mixed signals on that. I also want to know how we can work together so that we can both be happy with what we are eating and for my greedy part- I want some of the pressure of always being the one to cook and plan meals to come off of me. But I know that as a picky eater this is a sensitive topic for him. I don't want him to feel attacked or like I am nagging.
I've done research on picky eating and selective eating disorders but there's mostly guidance for self-help. Not much for the people who live with them. Can anyone relate or have any advice or guidance they can offer?
This is WAY MORE EXTREME than just being a picky eater. I picky eater will only eat certain foods, and is usually not adventurous about trying anything else.
This degree of exclusion of all foods that are not red meat or worse, processed meat such as hot dogs, is pretty extreme. You say he eats a "tiny veggie side"? What kind of vegetables? Getting take out all the time, as he did with his first wife, is also not healthy.
Is he rigid about other things, besides food? I think most people who exclude ALL FOODS except a certain few, frequently have a sensory processing disorder that is related to ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder.
For a middle aged male to exclude all foods other than pork, beef, processed meats and a couple of tablespoons of mashed potatoes and whatever kind of vegetable he eats, is dangerous and very unhealthy. I am going to guess that he is also not a fan of fruit.
The active job that you speak of, is not going to counteract his restrictive diet. In fact, he may not be able to continue with this active job if he has a heart attack or a stroke.
As for yourself, how much do YOU enjoy food? What do YOU like to eat? How important in food to you? You are young enough to have children, what if they have this same eating issue?
Also, if you cater to his restrictive eating, which I think you will have to do, are you prepared to make one meal for him, and another for yourself? How will this effect YOUR OWN health?
As for my husband and I we are "foodies" and in our circle of friends, eating out is often a part of a date night, or spending time with friends. We are all open minded eaters, yet health conscious and interested in cooking and food.
When my husband and I travel abroad, the LAST thing we look for is an American chain restaurant. That's part of travel and enjoyment of another culture. Even within the US, we try locally sourced foods. My husband has an inherited heart disorder, and he has to severely limit red meat, high fat, or deep fried foods. Still on occasion he will go off the suggested eating plan. Being flexible once in a while actually helps him to eat healthier foods at home.
I'll add one more thing. In my 20s, my first husband and I were friends with another couple, Debbie and Bob. Debbie enjoyed all kinds of food. Bob's diet was restricted to the following foods :
All sweets - cake, cookies, baked goods snack cakes, ice cream and candy. Not good candy. It had to be Hershey Bars or Reece's Peanut Butter Cups. Basically, the worse the sweets were, the more he liked them. Home baked goods did nothing for him. He could be rude about it, or perhaps blunt.
All food from Mc Donald's. Except that sliver of iceberg lettuce and slice of tomato. Fast Food French Fries - but no other potatoes.
Hamburgers, but not steak. No meat loaf, meat balls, or anything like that. Baloney and hot dogs were OK.
Pickled cucumbers, but not cucumbers. And black olives.
Frosted corn flakes, milk - only on that cereal. White bread ( a particular brand) and butter.
Black olives and corn.
Pepsi with every meal including breakfast.
THAT WAS IT.
He drove his wife Debbie crazy. They divorced. He had other eccentricities, but the food thing limited their social life more than you might think.
At his wedding, they had to take out MC Donalds for him. At his OWN WEDDING!
In his 40s he started having diverticulosis. Then high blood pressure. Cardiac problems followed. His hast heart attack was when he was 52.
I have high hopes that the OP and her partner will be able to work this out. Neither one are making demands on each other, they're just trying to figure out this one aspect of their relationship.
I think that over time the OP will find certain meals that appeal to both of them. Or she'll be like me and fill the refrigerator or freezer with lots of foods and each one can use as they like.
As for holidays, our family definitely has two camps of eaters, the overweight unhealthy eaters who cook all the white, sugary carb-y foods and the healthy eaters who bring all the salads, veggie trays and cooked vegetables. We don't care who eats what. And none of us worry that someone brought something out of the ordinary to the holiday table.
I just think the problems happen when one partner demands the other person eats or cooks a certain way. I don't see that here.
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