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Dating is an uneasy science. If women are making up an excuse for not wanting to go out that's irrelevant. More important is why they won't. Not the phantom boyfriend or whatever.
As I mentioned in a previous post if the OP doesn't have a lot of baggage (multiple divorces, addiction issues) and a decent job it shouldn't be that difficlt to land a date.
My advise to the OP would be the next time you're thinking about asking a woman out... wait. Let the woman get to know you better.
But are women obligated to explain why they don't want to go out with someone?
Are men obligated to explain why they DO want to date her?
Most women aren't stupid. In a lot of cases, they already know 'why' the guy wants to 'date' her.
Why can't a 'no thanks' NOT be taken at face value?
I am sure dealing with this is frustrating.
Autism is a spectrum disorder which means that there are a lot more people in the general population who likely have something related to autism at a subclinical level. It is also a lot more common in men. I suspect it is that plus probably low levels of agreeability that cause certain men to do this. Guys like this probably have more problems finding partners too, which is why they probably are over represented in the population of single men looking to meet women.
It's a white lie, so I wouldn't sweat it. Does it matter whether she really has another boyfriend? After all, it's not like your reaction should be different if she just said "no, thank you." Much better the lie here, rather than her accepting the date and being deceitful about who she is and what her intentions are.
It's a white lie, so I wouldn't sweat it. Does it matter whether she really has another boyfriend? After all, it's not like your reaction should be different if she just said "no, thank you." Much better the lie here, rather than her accepting the date and being deceitful about who she is and what her intentions are.
In the moment, how do you really know if it's a white lie? But you're right, no one should be sweating this and turning it into something bigger than it is.
The best way to avoid this scenario is not to ask out a complete stranger in the first place, one you haven't even interacted with, one that hasn't shown you any interest. That is pretty much a guarantee of "rejection" and I don't know why it's expected that it turn out any differently.
Autism is a spectrum disorder which means that there are a lot more people in the general population who likely have something related to autism at a subclinical level. It is also a lot more common in men. I suspect it is that plus probably low levels of agreeability that cause certain men to do this. Guys like this probably have more problems finding partners too, which is why they probably are over represented in the population of single men looking to meet women.
Sorry Shelato, but the ratio of 'normal' men to 'autistic' men doesn't even compare.
Do 'normal' men want sex? Yup.
Do autistic men want sex? Probably.
Autism has little to do with this.
Whether a man is autistic or not, a woman's LOOKS pay a HUGE part in whether a man wants to approach her or not.
So, once again...what's the MOTIVE for a man--ANY man-- for a man asking a woman 'out'?
The title of this thread is, "Why do women invent phantom boyfriends?" But since men are usually the first to approach a woman, then WHY do men invent phantom excuses?
Why don't men come right out and say, "Hey, I think you're attractive, and I want to have sex with you"?
But are women obligated to explain why they don't want to go out with someone?
Are men obligated to explain why they DO want to date her?
Most women aren't stupid. In a lot of cases, they already know 'why' the guy wants to 'date' her.
Of course not. If women are repeatedly turning the OP down he needs to look at himself. This has nothing to do with phantom boyfriends or convoluted discussions on who lies and who doesn't.
Imo, the reason the OP brought up the subject (phantom boyfriends) is because it's not easy to look inward.
As far as being obligated to tell a woman why I wanted to date her. Women rightfully assumed I liked them for a variety of reason. Friendy, pretty, kind, similar hobby ect. There was never a need to be specific. And why did a woman agree to say yes? They probably liked me for a variety of reasons as well.
But... if I wasn't sexually attracted to a woman I wouldn't have asked her out. And I assumed the woman was (at least somewhat) attracted to me or she wouldn't have said yes..
Of course men (and women) often tell white lies, half truths or exaggerate during the "getting to know you" phase. Back in the day when I asked a woman out and she said yes I assumed she was single/available. And if not... I would prefer to know this upfront and assumed a woman felt the same about me.
I did date a woman once who unbeknownst to me had a boyfriend at the time. I found this out maybe a month or so into dating (including sleeping together.) She told me one night she just broke it off with the guy. I had no idea she was dating anyone.
Sorry Shelato, but the ratio of 'normal' men to 'autistic' men doesn't even compare.
Do 'normal' men want sex? Yup.
Do autistic men want sex? Probably.
the grievience you are upset about in this threadAutism has little to do with this.
Whether a man is autistic or not, a woman's LOOKS pay a HUGE part in whether a man wants to approach her or not.
So, once again...what's the MOTIVE for a man--ANY man-- for a man asking a woman 'out'?
Hear me out a little more. Autism involves a deficit in cognitive empathy, the ability to correctly predict how another will react in a given situation. A fox chasing a rabbit needs cognitive empathy to correctly predict how the rabbit will try to run away, but a fox lacks affective empathy, the fox feels no guilt about eating a rabbit once he catches it because the fox really does not care about the rabbit's feelings about being eaten. Someone with autism has the opposite set of issues, they would be bad at predicting how others are going to react to what they say do (their deficit in cognitive empathy) but they would actually worry about not wanting to try to hurt others feelings so they still might persist in asking questions about why your aren't intersted in dating them, even though that is socially inappropriate in this contex.
Second while the number of people who have a formal autism diagnosis is fairly small, the number of males who share some symptoms of the disease is going to be much larger.
Lastly according to Louann Brizendine, the part of the brain dedicated to social interactions is just much smaller in men than women and she argues this is why guys tend to be less socially adept than women ie in most couples it is the woman in the couple who sets the social agenda for the couple and generally it is her friends who are much more likely to become the couples friends and why when couples do break up, women tend to retain most of the couple's friends.
Hear me out a little more. Autism involves a deficit in cognitive empathy, the ability to correctly predict how another will react in a given situation. A fox chasing a rabbit needs cognitive empathy to correctly predict how the rabbit will try to run away, but a fox lacks affective empathy, the fox feels no guilt about eating a rabbit once he catches it because the fox really does not care about the rabbit's feelings about being eaten. Someone with autism has the opposite set of issues, they would be bad at predicting how others are going to react to what they say do (their deficit in cognitive empathy) but they would actually worry about not wanting to try to hurt others feelings so they still might persist in asking questions about why your aren't intersted in dating them, even though that is socially inappropriate in this contex.
Second while the number of people who have a formal autism diagnosis is fairly small, the number of males who share some symptoms of the disease is going to be much larger.
Lastly according to Louann Brizendine, the part of the brain dedicated to social interactions is just much smaller in men than women and she argues this is why guys tend to be less socially adept than women ie in most couples it is the woman in the couple who sets the social agenda for the couple and generally it is her friends who are much more likely to become the couples friends and why when couples do break up, women tend to retain most of the couple's friends.
Shelato, let's please stop with the autism. A man wanting to know why some women lie about being single because they turned him down for dates does NOT necessarily mean he's autistic. The OP pretty much wants to know, "How come the lies?" Doesn't mean he's autistic because he doesn't necessarily have a clue.
Why some women lie about their availability "status" has already been explained in this thread. I've only lied once or twice in my life about this, and later on in years, I didn't lie at all. But at those times when I DID lie, it was because the guy was being 'pushy', and didn't want to take 'no' for an answer. I hardly believe that they were being pushy because they were autistic. They were aggressive, and autism doesn't usually present itself as being aggressive.
Dating isn't easy, and even though I'm 64, I've had my share of dates. I get where a lot of guys are coming from, and it's NOT because they're autistic.
The OP seems to be some 'normal' guy, who wants to know why some 'women' lie about being available...to HIM. It's like he's trying to assume that ALL women lie about their availability because of ONE woman.
And that's just not cool. I've spoken up on this forum about my own experiences before, but I HARDLY believe that ALL men are backstabbing, scum sucking slobs, who don't give two hoots about women. I KNOW are 'good' men out there, even at my age.
But at this point in my life, I'm just. Not. Interested.
WHY is that so hard to get?
This whole thing isn't about a woman lying about her disinterest. Even if the woman told him honestly, that she's JUST. NOT . INTERESTED, the OP would still want to know WHY.
And that HE wants to determine whether or not her disinterest is "legitimate".
This was exactly what I was looking for. Thank you!
This again is really helpful thank you.
I got shot down yesterday in a situation where I suspect that her 'boyfriend' is completely made up and that is what prompted the thread, but in the past I have asked out women who said they had boyfriends but then later agreed to date someone else that I knew.
The phantom boyfriend story is something that just kind of gets on my nerves because it seems so unnecessary to me, but actually understanding why women feel a need to tell me this lie kind of gives me some insight into what negative impressions I might unintentionally be giving off to women too.
It's not necessarily you. There's plenty of instances where a woman finds herself confronted by a guy that doesn't know how to handle rejection. If she doesn't know you from any of the others, she may just take certain precautions.
It's the easiest way to cut the conversation short and set CLEAR boundaries.
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