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I wonder if you guys can help me with a situation I'm currently having with my husband or at least give me some insight on it or his thinking.
He comes from a fairly large family. There are 7 siblings and he's the youngest. They all worship the ground their parents walk on. Both mom and dad are still alive. Dad is 86 and mom just turned 80. My husband is 54 years old. Anytime his mom calls him to come do anything he always goes over to the house even though the three older brothers still all live at home.
Here's the deal. Many years ago before I met him his mom went out and got her dream car, a brand new Honda Accord. She worshiped that car. Anytime she'd drive it she kept a whisk broom down in the door pocket to sweep out any dirt she may have put in it. She is the typical old lady. She only drove it to church, the grocery store, or to the doctor. Earlier this year she had an accident and the car was totaled so she asked my husband to deal with the insurance company and all that to replace the car. Again, when it was totaled she had only put 85k miles on it and it was over 20 years old that tells you how much she drove it.
When dad retired from working he bought a brand new Silverado truck as his retirement truck. He drove it until his health went down and when he stopped driving he gave his truck to one of my husband's sisters. She already had her own car but he had always said he was giving his truck her her. Again, close family so no one complained or tried to get the truck.
My husband dealt with their insurance company and over the course of a few weeks finalized the claim, received the settlement money, and went through the process of getting their mom a new car. The family decided that mom didn't need to worry about trying to make payments on another brand new car so he took the money and found a much newer Honda Accord with all the bells and whistles on it and they just took that settlement money and bought it. No car payments. While looking for the replacement my husband would show me cars he was looking at but since it wasn't a car for me I honestly didn't care. He made a selection and we, he and I, went to the car lot and he test drove it and liked it. He and the salesman asked me if I wanted to take it for a spin and I declined. He then took him mom back a few days later and they made the purchase.
About a month or so later my husband came home and told me that he was at his parent's house speaking with his mom and he asked her what she planned to do with the car either when she is no longer able to drive or she passes away. He said that she told him he could have the car. He said that he spoke to another sister of his and she said that since he handled everything for her in regards to the wreck and the replacement that really no one else deserved the car. When he told me he was getting it I became somewhat excited about it and I told him I couldn't wait to drive it. At that point he told me to pump my brakes. He said she was giving him the car not us the car. Just like his dad gave his sister his truck mom was giving him her car. The sister alternates driving her car one week while the trick stays parked then she'll park her car and drive the truck for a week. He said he was planning on doing the exact same thing with the Honda. Now granted, it may be a few years before he actually gets the car but knowing it's going to be here at some point and my husband is hesitant on letting me drive it I have an issue with that. I told him he needed to give me a key to it and he said that when he picked it out I didn't want to drive it because it wasn't a car for me. But now that it will eventually be mine he says it's like I'm already staking claim to it.
He said that he will treat this car just like his mom treated it and her prior car. This will not be an everyday driver car. It may sit there a few days until he decides to move it. I have my own car and he has an SUV so he said that I should be happy driving the car I went to the dealership and pick out and am paying for. In his mindset not everything in a marriage is shared property. His mom is giving him the car and not us. He bought his SUV a little more than 4 years ago and since he's had it I've probably driven it less than 20 times.
Now he did say I could drive the Honda on occasion but it's not going to be just a spare car in the driveway for me to decide which one I want to drive that day. He said that if there was something wrong with my car I could use it but I'm not going to just take him mom's car because I want to drive it to the mall or anything like that. And again, this is a 2009 Honda Accord not a classic Corvette or Mustang and it's definitely not a high end luxury car.
Do you think he's being a bit selfish? Do we not share everything in a marriage so doesn't that make that car ours?
Help.
You think HE'S being selfish??? Are you for flipping real????? Whatever he gets as an inheritance, including the car, he has no obligation to share with you, because it isn't being left to you, it's being left to HIM. By HIS family member. He doesn't "have to" let you drive it, he doesn't have to give you a cut of any of the money, he doesn't have to put your name on any property.
You also need to think damn good and hard about how the bolded statement makes you sound. I'd tell you but I don't want to get banned from posting. I'll leave you with this thought - inheritance is blood money. In order for a person to inherit, someone has to die for that to happen. SHe may be still driving right up to the end of her life. My father was, he took a 300-mile road trip only 2 days before he dropped dead of a heart attack. I got his Jeep, and I'm also getting other monies as well, some of which have already started rolling into my bank accounts, but at NO TIME did I ever try to mentally divvy up the spoils to figure out what I was going to get. I'd rather be driving my rusting out Ford and have my dad still alive. I baby that Jeep as if it was still his, and nope, no one else is allowed to drive it!
Its not JUST a car. Its his Mother's car. One she loved. One he worked hard to pick for her. And his Father and Mother's health have declined. He may lose them soon. Its a symbol of his Mother.
Exactly. I feel the same way about my 2020 Renegade, because it was my dad's last car. He owned it less than a year and a half before he died. And he bought it right at the start of COVID, so he didn't get to enjoy it the way he should have. I'm enjoying it for him, that's for sure!
There's nothing so gauche as people talking about what they think they're going to get their hands on as part of an inheritance from someone who isn't dead yet. My siblings did stuff like that. They would talk about who was getting what jewlery from my mother. Finally, my mother said, "I'M NOT DEAD YET." Then she turned to me and said, "You get all of the opal jewelry and everything with my initial on it. They can't be vultures over any of that since no one else is an October baby and we have the same first initial."
Unfortunately it is not a car but a symbol. You will be fighting windmills. Either ignore the pile of metal in your drive way, ask him to move to his mother's place or be ready for WWW if you drive it.
Location: Formerly Pleasanton Ca, now in Marietta Ga
10,366 posts, read 8,613,859 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bu2
Sounds like you don't understand your husband.
Its not JUST a car. Its his Mother's car. One she loved. One he worked hard to pick for her. And his Father and Mother's health have declined. He may lose them soon. Its a symbol of his Mother.
You nailed it!
Just buy another Honda for the wife to drive.
I wonder if you guys can help me with a situation I'm currently having with my husband or at least give me some insight on it or his thinking.
He comes from a fairly large family. There are 7 siblings and he's the youngest. They all worship the ground their parents walk on. Both mom and dad are still alive. Dad is 86 and mom just turned 80. My husband is 54 years old. Anytime his mom calls him to come do anything he always goes over to the house even though the three older brothers still all live at home.
Here's the deal. Many years ago before I met him his mom went out and got her dream car, a brand new Honda Accord. She worshiped that car. Anytime she'd drive it she kept a whisk broom down in the door pocket to sweep out any dirt she may have put in it. She is the typical old lady. She only drove it to church, the grocery store, or to the doctor. Earlier this year she had an accident and the car was totaled so she asked my husband to deal with the insurance company and all that to replace the car. Again, when it was totaled she had only put 85k miles on it and it was over 20 years old that tells you how much she drove it.
When dad retired from working he bought a brand new Silverado truck as his retirement truck. He drove it until his health went down and when he stopped driving he gave his truck to one of my husband's sisters. She already had her own car but he had always said he was giving his truck her her. Again, close family so no one complained or tried to get the truck.
My husband dealt with their insurance company and over the course of a few weeks finalized the claim, received the settlement money, and went through the process of getting their mom a new car. The family decided that mom didn't need to worry about trying to make payments on another brand new car so he took the money and found a much newer Honda Accord with all the bells and whistles on it and they just took that settlement money and bought it. No car payments. While looking for the replacement my husband would show me cars he was looking at but since it wasn't a car for me I honestly didn't care. He made a selection and we, he and I, went to the car lot and he test drove it and liked it. He and the salesman asked me if I wanted to take it for a spin and I declined. He then took him mom back a few days later and they made the purchase.
About a month or so later my husband came home and told me that he was at his parent's house speaking with his mom and he asked her what she planned to do with the car either when she is no longer able to drive or she passes away. He said that she told him he could have the car. He said that he spoke to another sister of his and she said that since he handled everything for her in regards to the wreck and the replacement that really no one else deserved the car. When he told me he was getting it I became somewhat excited about it and I told him I couldn't wait to drive it. At that point he told me to pump my brakes. He said she was giving him the car not us the car. Just like his dad gave his sister his truck mom was giving him her car. The sister alternates driving her car one week while the trick stays parked then she'll park her car and drive the truck for a week. He said he was planning on doing the exact same thing with the Honda. Now granted, it may be a few years before he actually gets the car but knowing it's going to be here at some point and my husband is hesitant on letting me drive it I have an issue with that. I told him he needed to give me a key to it and he said that when he picked it out I didn't want to drive it because it wasn't a car for me. But now that it will eventually be mine he says it's like I'm already staking claim to it.
He said that he will treat this car just like his mom treated it and her prior car. This will not be an everyday driver car. It may sit there a few days until he decides to move it. I have my own car and he has an SUV so he said that I should be happy driving the car I went to the dealership and pick out and am paying for. In his mindset not everything in a marriage is shared property. His mom is giving him the car and not us. He bought his SUV a little more than 4 years ago and since he's had it I've probably driven it less than 20 times.
Now he did say I could drive the Honda on occasion but it's not going to be just a spare car in the driveway for me to decide which one I want to drive that day. He said that if there was something wrong with my car I could use it but I'm not going to just take him mom's car because I want to drive it to the mall or anything like that. And again, this is a 2009 Honda Accord not a classic Corvette or Mustang and it's definitely not a high end luxury car.
Do you think he's being a bit selfish? Do we not share everything in a marriage so doesn't that make that car ours?
Help.
Your husband's on the right with this one--at least to my way of thinking.
You had zero interest in the car during the purchasing process; declined to take it for a test drive when the offer was made to you when the car was still at the dealership. But now that you think that you might be able to lay claim it as joint marital property, you're all over the notion of driving that car whenever you please--and the woman is not only *not* deceased, but is still driving it herself! Talk about counting chickens...
"....but now that it will eventually be mine..." Read what you wrote there, O.P. You're staking claim to something that has great sentimental value to your husband rather than just a automobile. He did say that you could drive it from time if needed. You just won't be dailying that car about town. Why isn't that enough for you?
Also, I might be mistaken here, but I catch a whiff of resentment here in regards to how close your husband is with his folks and am wondering if that's part of what's feeding into your sense of entitlement towards the car.
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 10-10-2023 at 07:25 PM..
Your husband's on the right with this one--at least to my way of thinking.
You had zero interest in the car during the purchasing process; declined to take it for a test drive when the offer was made to you when the car was still at the dealership. But now that you think that you might be able to lay claim it as joint marital property, you're all over the notion of driving that car whenever you please--and the woman is not only *not* deceased, but is still driving it herself! Talk about counting chickens...
"....but now that it will eventually be mine..." Read what you wrote there, O.P. You're staking claim to something that has great sentimental value to your husband rather than just a automobile. He did say that you could drive it from time if needed. You just won't be dailying that car about town. Why isn't that enough for you?
Also, I might be mistaken here, but I catch a whiff of resentment here in regards to how close your husband is with his folks and am wondering if that's part of what's feeding into your sense of entitlement towards the car.
My husband has always had a close relationship with his family. Again, they gather together every Sun at the parent's house just to sit and talk and laugh with each other. Mom still cooks a big ole Sun dinner and they stay there for hours. I use to go with him but now I only go once every so many months. I can't handle all that noise. And then dividing things prior to someone's death is not a new thing. When his grandmother was alive, which again they worshiped the ground she walked on, she had already said who gets what of hers When she passed away my husband got his grandmother's deep freezer which was stocked full of food. The other siblings got the other things. My husband has told me that I need to do the same thing with my parents. My mom and dad don't have a will per se and there is one mentally challenged sister. One sister passed away a number of years ago so it's really just me and one other sister. He said we need to sit down now with my parents and decide what happens to the house, their cars, the disabled sister, etc. My dad went out a few years ago about purchased a really nice used Infiniti SUV that he never drives. It just sits in the driveway. I opened the door to it a few months ago and it was chock full of spider webs and it wouldn't even crank. The battery was dead. He doesn't let my mom drive it either. She has her own car. I just want to be able to drive it, the Honda, from time to time. He said he wasn't even planning on giving me a key to it even though he'll have several keys.
I wonder if you guys can help me with a situation I'm currently having with my husband or at least give me some insight on it or his thinking.
He comes from a fairly large family. There are 7 siblings and he's the youngest. They all worship the ground their parents walk on. Both mom and dad are still alive. Dad is 86 and mom just turned 80. My husband is 54 years old. Anytime his mom calls him to come do anything he always goes over to the house even though the three older brothers still all live at home.
Here's the deal. Many years ago before I met him his mom went out and got her dream car, a brand new Honda Accord. She worshiped that car. Anytime she'd drive it she kept a whisk broom down in the door pocket to sweep out any dirt she may have put in it. She is the typical old lady. She only drove it to church, the grocery store, or to the doctor. Earlier this year she had an accident and the car was totaled so she asked my husband to deal with the insurance company and all that to replace the car. Again, when it was totaled she had only put 85k miles on it and it was over 20 years old that tells you how much she drove it.
When dad retired from working he bought a brand new Silverado truck as his retirement truck. He drove it until his health went down and when he stopped driving he gave his truck to one of my husband's sisters. She already had her own car but he had always said he was giving his truck her her. Again, close family so no one complained or tried to get the truck.
My husband dealt with their insurance company and over the course of a few weeks finalized the claim, received the settlement money, and went through the process of getting their mom a new car. The family decided that mom didn't need to worry about trying to make payments on another brand new car so he took the money and found a much newer Honda Accord with all the bells and whistles on it and they just took that settlement money and bought it. No car payments. While looking for the replacement my husband would show me cars he was looking at but since it wasn't a car for me I honestly didn't care. He made a selection and we, he and I, went to the car lot and he test drove it and liked it. He and the salesman asked me if I wanted to take it for a spin and I declined. He then took him mom back a few days later and they made the purchase.
Sorry, but already I think you're in the wrong here. The idea that you didn't want to participate with your husband choosing a car for his mom because "it wasn't a car for *you*"...bugs me.
Quote:
About a month or so later my husband came home and told me that he was at his parent's house speaking with his mom and he asked her what she planned to do with the car either when she is no longer able to drive or she passes away. He said that she told him he could have the car. He said that he spoke to another sister of his and she said that since he handled everything for her in regards to the wreck and the replacement that really no one else deserved the car. When he told me he was getting it I became somewhat excited about it and I told him I couldn't wait to drive it. At that point he told me to pump my brakes. He said she was giving him the car not us the car. Just like his dad gave his sister his truck mom was giving him her car. The sister alternates driving her car one week while the trick stays parked then she'll park her car and drive the truck for a week. He said he was planning on doing the exact same thing with the Honda. Now granted, it may be a few years before he actually gets the car but knowing it's going to be here at some point and my husband is hesitant on letting me drive it I have an issue with that. I told him he needed to give me a key to it and he said that when he picked it out I didn't want to drive it because it wasn't a car for me. But now that it will eventually be mine he says it's like I'm already staking claim to it.
I think your husband's right...
Is this the way you are with other issues in your marriage? That unless something pertains to *you*, YOU can't be bothered?
When I was married to my late husband, he got into a pretty serious (although not life-threatening) car accident. Once he healed, he started looking at brochures for new cars. He invited me to look with him. I didn't think, "Well, the car isn't for ME, so..." He selected the car he wanted and his parents paid for it outright. No. Car. Payments.
But I never once thought it was "ours." Did I ever drive it? Yup. I HAD a car. But I drove HIS car when I NEEDED to (if my car was in the shop, etc.)I never had a key. And didn't expect one. I also didn't have a key to his boat or motorcycle...
Quote:
He said that he will treat this car just like his mom treated it and her prior car. This will not be an everyday driver car. It may sit there a few days until he decides to move it. I have my own car and he has an SUV so he said that I should be happy driving the car I went to the dealership and pick out and am paying for. In his mindset not everything in a marriage is shared property. His mom is giving him the car and not us. He bought his SUV a little more than 4 years ago and since he's had it I've probably driven it less than 20 times.
How often has he driven your car in 4 years?
Quote:
Now he did say I could drive the Honda on occasion but it's not going to be just a spare car in the driveway for me to decide which one I want to drive that day. He said that if there was something wrong with my car I could use it but I'm not going to just take him mom's car because I want to drive it to the mall or anything like that. And again, this is a 2009 Honda Accord not a classic Corvette or Mustang and it's definitely not a high end luxury car.
Do you think he's being a bit selfish? Do we not share everything in a marriage so doesn't that make that car ours?
Help.
No, I don't think he's being selfish. And no, that doesn't mean that one shares EVERYTHING in a marriage...
...unless you're sharing your toothbrush, panties and every THOUGHT in your head with him...
...which you don't.
And no...it doesn't make the car "ours" just because you're married.
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