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Ok, debate my life. I'm struggling with something (that may yet destroy my marriage). Last year, while we were separated, my husband was seeing someone else. He does not consider this cheating but I'm feeling more and more it was.
So, is it cheating to date someone else while separated from your spouse? (he left and I filed for divorce if that matters - I don't think it does).
If it was decided beforehand that it was a temporary separation to give some breathing room to work out marital issues, I would consider it cheating. But if it was a split on the road to filing for divorce, then I would say no. And if one of the parties had already filed for the divorce, then it wouldn't be cheating either.
If it was decided beforehand that it was a temporary separation to give some breathing room to work out marital issues, I would consider it cheating. But if it was a split on the road to filing for divorce, then I would say no. And if one of the parties had already filed for the divorce, then it wouldn't be cheating either.
In our case, nothing was discussed or decided. He just decided to move out. I saw no sense in dragging this out for the kids and needed custody and financial issues addressed. For me, divorce vs. separation meant about $700/month more in my bank account and was the difference between being able to pay my bills and not being able to pay them. I was not under the impression he was coming back, he had declared he wanted the kids and that he wasn't going to help with the bills, so I filed.
It's because things were not discussed that they're gray. He claims he never wanted a divorce, which was to his financial advantage so I'm not sure of his motives there. Most of this is taboo subject for him. He wants it behind us and forgotten. It's hard to deal with what one party will not discuss.
I haven't read the entire thread, but it sounds as if he has returned after the filing? If that's the case, it really doesn't matter whether it was officially cheating or not. The only thing that matters, if you have reconciled, is that you have the ability to forgive him. That is the only way the marriage will ever be healthy.
If you haven't sought counseling- for the both of you or even just for yourself- I would highly recommend it. No matter what the future holds, it is always good to have a professional to guide you through the processing of life-changing situations such as this. And with children in the picture, by helping yourself get through this in a healthy way, it will help them, as well.
We can't control what others do, we can only control the way we take it in and respond to it.
In our case, nothing was discussed or decided. He just decided to move out. I saw no sense in dragging this out for the kids and needed custody and financial issues addressed. For me, divorce vs. separation meant about $700/month more in my bank account and was the difference between being able to pay my bills and not being able to pay them. I was not under the impression he was coming back, he had declared he wanted the kids and that he wasn't going to help with the bills, so I filed.
It's because things were not discussed that they're gray. He claims he never wanted a divorce, which was to his financial advantage so I'm not sure of his motives there. Most of this is taboo subject for him. He wants it behind us and forgotten. It's hard to deal with what one party will not discuss.
Ok, I leave for 2 days and this thing grows almost 10 pages! I thought I was done until I saw this post.
YOU decided not to drag this out and just file for divorce when NOTHING was discussed? Are you a lunatic???!!! You weren't under the impression he was or wasn't coming back because you didn't ask him!!!! Maybe he thought that since you filed so dang quickly that you have been waiting all along for him to leave. That is what I would think if it happened to me. I realize money is a big deal but surely this isn't JUST about money or did you think he was a walking wallet? Honestly, neither of you sound ready or able to handle marriage OR children with the way you are behaving. Grow up. Stop being so vindictive. Stop blaming the other woman who sounds like she entered the picture AFTER he left. The blame falls on your shoulders as well as your husbands. If you think this is ALL your husbands fault, you are greatly mistaken. There I said it. You are partly to blame.
Ok, I leave for 2 days and this thing grows almost 10 pages! I thought I was done until I saw this post.
YOU decided not to drag this out and just file for divorce when NOTHING was discussed? Are you a lunatic???!!! You weren't under the impression he was or wasn't coming back because you didn't ask him!!!! Maybe he thought that since you filed so dang quickly that you have been waiting all along for him to leave. That is what I would think if it happened to me. I realize money is a big deal but surely this isn't JUST about money or did you think he was a walking wallet? Honestly, neither of you sound ready or able to handle marriage OR children with the way you are behaving. Grow up. Stop being so vindictive. Stop blaming the other woman who sounds like she entered the picture AFTER he left. The blame falls on your shoulders as well as your husbands. If you think this is ALL your husbands fault, you are greatly mistaken. There I said it. You are partly to blame.
Doesn't matter what he thought. If he was done then he was done and shouldn't have come back. If he wasn't done, he shouldn't have left.
I've explained that divorce was the difference between being able to pay my bills and not being able to pay them. I was bound to pay for things for him until a divorce was final that left me holding the bag. We asked him to pick up medical through his employer so I could get rid of a $500/month bill but he said no and his prescriptions ate up my medical alllowance from my employer. I'm not going bankrupt because he moved out. And it's insane to think I should. He's the one who decided to leave. Without talking about it or considering what he did to me financially.
However, marriage vows were not broken until she came into the picture. That was his choice.
I'm not really sure why I am adding my two cents because none of the opinions on this board have had much of an impact on you, but...I was just struck by how black and white and unyielding your opinion on this matter is. And I have some experience with infidelity and know how much of an affect it can have. I am not sure that you are able to see any point of view but your own, or empathize with your husband right now because of your anger and feeling of betrayal, which you are stuck in and stubbornly clinging to.
I'm not really sure why I am adding my two cents because none of the opinions on this board have had much of an impact on you, but...I was just struck by how black and white and unyielding your opinion on this matter is. And I have some experience with infidelity and know how much of an affect it can have. I am not sure that you are able to see any point of view but your own, or empathize with your husband right now because of your anger and feeling of betrayal, which you are stuck in and stubbornly clinging to.
I agree with your assessment, sadly.
I said this earlier, people I know who live by absolutes are absolutely miserable.
If it was decided beforehand that it was a temporary separation to give some breathing room to work out marital issues, I would consider it cheating. But if it was a split on the road to filing for divorce, then I would say no. And if one of the parties had already filed for the divorce, then it wouldn't be cheating either.
Add the caveat that you don't try to go back and I'll agree with you. IMO, attempting to reconcile means it wasn't over which makes it cheating. What it can't be is, conveniently over so he can have his tryst and then back on again.
I thnk there is a world of difference between leaving, filing, taking up with someone else and getting divorced and leaving, filing, taking up with someone else and going back to your spouse.
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