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So I heard this issue from my Godsister, and sounds new to me (no experience in this issue). So here it goes:
My Godsister and her husband have been married for several years, with 2 little daughters. Before their marriage (and PRIOR to dating his-now-wife), her husband, TOM, had a brief conversation with his Mother, stating that, even though Tom's Mother and Father have quite amount of money (they own two Dennis' branches), Tom would still like to "pay them back" for giving him a good life (not great, but you know how family is...), via, you guessed it, money. I guess he said that "once he makes it", he would want to pay his folks some $$ per month, w/o stating exactly how much and any of the necessary details.
Well, fast forward to the current day, Tom lives with his wife (my Godsister), has two little kids, and then Tom's mother came to him and asked him "whatever happens to the monthly money that you promised us?". Well, since that brief "financial" conversation years ago, lots of things have changed. He never thought he would find a wife until he actually makes more money than he does now. He never thought he would have 2 kids immediately after his wedding with his wife.
So now, the issue is: Tom and his wife can only afford a certain amount of money (let's give it a number... $300 at the most), whereas Tom's Mother stubbornly wants more than that ($1,000).
The question is: What would you do if you were in Tom's shoes - with your SO saying "no way we should give your Mother THAT much", and on the opposite end, your Mother, saying that you should live up your "son" obligation?
So I heard this issue from my Godsister, and sounds new to me (no experience in this issue). So here it goes:
My Godsister and her husband have been married for several years, with 2 little daughters. Before their marriage (and PRIOR to dating his-now-wife), her husband, TOM, had a brief conversation with his Mother, stating that, even though Tom's Mother and Father have quite amount of money (they own two Dennis' branches), Tom would still like to "pay them back" for giving him a good life (not great, but you know how family is...), via, you guessed it, money. I guess he said that "once he makes it", he would want to pay his folks some $$ per month, w/o stating exactly how much and any of the necessary details.
Well, fast forward to the current day, Tom lives with his wife (my Godsister), has two little kids, and then Tom's mother came to him and asked him "whatever happens to the monthly money that you promised us?". Well, since that brief "financial" conversation years ago, lots of things have changed. He never thought he would find a wife until he actually makes more money than he does now. He never thought he would have 2 kids immediately after his wedding with his wife.
So now, the issue is: Tom and his wife can only afford a certain amount of money (let's give it a number... $300 at the most), whereas Tom's Mother stubbornly wants more than that ($1,000).
The question is: What would you do if you were in Tom's shoes - with your SO saying "no way we should give your Mother THAT much", and on the opposite end, your Mother, saying that you should live up your "son" obligation?
Second question: is this happening to any of you?
This whole story sounds silly. There is no reason that Tom should have promised his parents money, unless of course they were in trouble financially and were going to be on the street. Tom's first concern should be his wife and children.
End of story.
I was in a situation where I had to "support" my mother, but it was because she was broke. She wasn't "demanding" a certain amount of money. That woman shoulds like she is one of the Sopranos
So, just to be sure I understand: Tom wants to give his parents money as "payback" for "giving him the good life"? WTF does that mean?
Was there a loan involved somewhere? Is there a contract of any sort? Are the parents now in financial crisis? Has Tom actually "made it"? If the answer is no to any of those questions Tom needs to man up & tell his mother that his funds are tied up elsewhere at this time. Tom's wife needs to put both of her feet down, hard.
So, just to be sure I understand: Tom wants to give his parents money as "payback" for "giving him the good life"? WTF does that mean?
Was there a loan involved somewhere? Is there a contract of any sort? Are the parents now in financial crisis? Has Tom actually "made it"? If the answer is no to any of those questions Tom needs to man up & tell his mother that his funds are tied up elsewhere at this time. Tom's wife needs to put both of her feet down, hard.
You're right, the answer is NO to all those questions. He doesn't owe his folks any $. There was no contract written - there wasn't even an amount set. The parents are wealthy (they own two branches of Denny's... you know, one of those IHOP places) - so no financial crisis on their part. Has Tom "made" it? Well, he's made more money it seems than years ago (so he said), but I wouldn't say he's "made it".
When Tom said that he wants to "pay them back", he meant he wants to give his folks money as indication of his gratitude to his folks. Weird, that's why I said I've never heard this before. When you're grateful of what another has done for you, don't you DO something to pay back the good deed?
Personally I find it appalling that the mother would ask if they are not experiencing financial hardship. On the flip side, Tom made what his mother took to be a promise and she expects him to honor it. If I were Tom I would give what I felt I could comfortably afford, and nothing more.
This sounds really messed up to me. I mean what his parents did for him as he was growing up was by and through their choices. The fact that he would like to repay them back for some of it, shows that they raised a decent son who appreciates what his parents did for him and would like to give back.
The fact that your friend made such a comment to his parents a few years back was a kind and noble gesture on his part. However, situation has changed and he now has obligations to a spouse and children. His parents should be understanding of this and I can not even imagine, as a mother myself, imposing such demands upon their son.
He is not obligated to do a thing. Not obligated to pay them back for anything they gave him while he was growing up other than through his actions, i.e. love, affection, appreciation, gratitude, making something of himself, making his parents proud for the man that he has become, and being there to help care for them in their old age. His parents should be proud that he puts his wife and children in a level of importance. It reflects good character on his part.
It amazes me that his mother is demanding $1000 a month rather than saying to him "it's okay son, don't worry about even the $300, you have 2 children now, just give them the best life you can, which is what we did for you".
Are there any other issues involved in this situation, i.e. a dislike for his wife for example? Or is she just a greedy, money hungry individual? I mean, again as a mom myself, I just can't imagine being like she is.
This sounds really messed up to me. I mean what his parents did for him as he was growing up was by and through their choices. The fact that he would like to repay them back for some of it, shows that they raised a decent son who appreciates what his parents did for him and would like to give back.
The fact that your friend made such a comment to his parents a few years back was a kind and noble gesture on his part. However, situation has changed and he now has obligations to a spouse and children. His parents should be understanding of this and I can not even imagine, as a mother myself, imposing such demands upon their son.
He is not obligated to do a thing. Not obligated to pay them back for anything they gave him while he was growing up other than through his actions, i.e. love, affection, appreciation, gratitude, making something of himself, making his parents proud for the man that he has become, and being there to help care for them in their old age. His parents should be proud that he puts his wife and children in a level of importance. It reflects good character on his part.
It amazes me that his mother is demanding $1000 a month rather than saying to him "it's okay son, don't worry about even the $300, you have 2 children now, just give them the best life you can, which is what we did for you".
Are there any other issues involved in this situation, i.e. a dislike for his wife for example? Or is she just a greedy, money hungry individual? I mean, again as a mom myself, I just can't imagine being like she is.
Well, let's just say that Tom's mother (my Godsister's MotherInLaw) "loves" money, and, if anyone brings up the word "money" or anything of dollar value to her, it's a "subject of interest". If you tell her that you're going to give her something, that would be the FIRST thing she would bring up when she sees you.
So Tom has told his Mother that $1,000 is out of the question, because he's got a family to feed. In response to that, his Mother told her relatives (that is, Tom's aunts and uncles) that Tom is "whipped by his wife", and that, had he been single still, he would have honored what Tom "briefly" mentioned to his Mother years ago about the monthly money. Boy....
Well, let's just say that Tom's mother (my Godsister's MotherInLaw) "loves" money, and, if anyone brings up the word "money" or anything of dollar value to her, it's a "subject of interest". If you tell her that you're going to give her something, that would be the FIRST thing she would bring up when she sees you.
So Tom has told his Mother that $1,000 is out of the question, because he's got a family to feed. In response to that, his Mother told her relatives (that is, Tom's aunts and uncles) that Tom is "whipped by his wife", and that, had he been single still, he would have honored what Tom "briefly" mentioned to his Mother years ago about the monthly money. Boy....
Did Tom actually ever, in that brief conversation years ago, state that it would be in the sum of $1000 a month? Was a sum spoken of at all? And if not, where does she justify this amount from now if all he said is he would give her some money? I mean, $300 a month would then honor his commitment to her of giving "some" money.
Still doesn't make sense to me but I guess it makes a difference in regards to the amount that she is now demanding if that is specifically an amount he stated he would give. I still believe she is unreasonable and that as a mother, she should be desiring that money to go towards providing her grandchildren a good life rather than adding to her assets.
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