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1. Let the anger come. It's going to help you so much get over her. Be sure though that you lift weights, go running and do things to get it out. Call friends on the phone (including me) who will listen and let you get it out of your system.
2. Don't allow yourself to show her this anger as best as possible. That will be very hard, but in the end you will be the bigger man for it. That doesn't mean you cannot be firm and tell her don't ever contact me again or something similar if she tries to text you etc. If she does, you put it right back on her. This isn't about reconcile, this is about getting her out of your life. So if she pushes, you don't push her back, you simply step to the side and let her own negative energy be the force that takes her down (like in martial arts).
3. Do not let yourself blame him to much. I do agree he is slimy and is a piece of crap. Because any man that steps in, to take someones woman away deserves to get his face smashed. The problem with this, is that the problem is deeper then that. For one, it is mostly HER fault, not his. because she allowed this to happen. She gave him the green light to persue her, and actually continued to persue him. Creating a secure point for her to leave on without having to be alone. She is using him, and it will get used up and thrown out. Trust me that it's better that she did this now before kids and houses and assets and marriage were involved. You would be much worse off right now.
4. Don't let it feel like a betrayel etc because that will make moving on much harder. Plus it will make you be someone different in your next relationship. You will certainly ruin your next relationship by this if you let yourself ponder the idea that people do this. They simply do. But I don't believe all women do, just like all men don't.
5. Be proud of yourself that you are manning up to say that you made mistakes in your relationship. Because she won't tell you those things for quite some time, if ever. Know that she will be very sorry one day when her life gets down and has no true support. She will miss you TERRIBLY. To bad for her. She has to sleep in the bed she made for herself. Get you another beautiful women in yours to sleep with who will look you in the eyes and love you, not go behind your back and use your love against you.
5. In a short time, the anger will subside. When it does, you will feel some depression again and "good thoughts" will try to creep back in. When they do, remind yourself of the things you don't like about her (this is a huge one). There is no way you can trust her. NO WAY. Remind yourself of all the things you WON'T miss. And remind yourself how you cannot wait to find someone who will love you back unconditionally without expectations. Expectations are killers.
6. Give her exactly what she asked for. Complete no contact. Never talk to her ever again if you can. If you can't avoid a future confrontation, you won't give a crap by then because you will be the new you. With a new beautiful woman on your arm and a new found love for yourself. Heck, even if you don't have a new found women yet, you will have so much respect for yourself that you will be 100% indifferent to her, which is a true moment of being moved on.
She deserves no more time from you. I don't want to say she is complete scum, because they honestly have no idea what they are doing when they do this. They go by emotion and just don't see how bad they are messing up. Until it is to late. And for me, and for you now, it is to late already.
You are on your way now to the high road. Thank her for being the push in your life to get you where you were going. You no longer need her. All you need is surrounding you already.
5. Be proud of yourself that you are manning up to say that you made mistakes in your relationship. Because she won't tell you those things for quite some time, if ever.
Well, I think we all make mistakes, and you are right- she isn't ever going to tell me.
There were some major mistakes I've made (never cheating or anything like that), but looking back at them, they were all caused by other issues in the relationship, which didn't make me feel close to her. For about the last year of it, our sexual relationship sucked badly, which I know was because I didn't feel close to her that way anymore. I loved her being there and the support she gave me, so I stayed... she created my comfort zone. But when it came down to business, I wasn't interested in it...
Was that why she went to someone else? Certainly is part of it. I really can't say that I regret how I was, because you can't change your "interest" in that regard. Guess what bothers me the most is that she is going to just think that this, and the other issues I haven't stated, are all my fault, when in actuality it was all two-sided.
I wasn't happy with things either... but I never invited anyone else over.
In the end, I really have no right to care what she thinks (or what the guy she is blasting me to thinks). She isn't part of my life anymore.
She's awful! HIS feelings?! What a load of crap!!! You're way better off without her! And they'll both probably end up getting cheated on by each other, (karma). I'm so disgusted with the whole relationship thing right now, I'm just down on the whole bloody idea of them!!! I can definitely relate to what you're going through from a previous relationship over a decade ago where I almost got married. (WTF?!) We had broken things off but were still living together until he "fell in love" with a chick he'd been fooling around with when we were together. (Though she was one of many...) He actually moved in with her, I was FURIOUS, then depressed, and these feelings see-sawed for a long time. As Maestro said, the good thoughts & memories sneak into your consciousness from time to time, and you have to counter that with pure will power.
When this man came back to me a few months later, actually crying, and telling me he realized he'd made the biggest mistake of his life and could not live without me, I told him "You are going to have to, because I'm sorry, but I'm done. I don't feel the same way anymore, and the trust is gone. I will always love you and care about you, but I can never be with you again." The best part? I really meant it. To this day, I am hoping he is happy with someone out there and that he's healed himself of the sickness he had (cheating is a sickness for some people), and with him it was a pattern he had perpetuated his whole adult life, in every relationship. he ever had. I knew this going in b/c we were best friends first, but like many silly gals, I thought I would be the one it would be different with...I'd never fall for THAT one again!!!
Regardless of the quantity/quality of the sex, cheating should not be an option. She should have said something or walked away before anything got to that point. Chances are, if you were losing interest in her that way and she had brought it up, you might have been the one to end things, or you might have talked it out and she would have done so...you'll never know because she decided to take the low road. (But just out of curiosity, why did you start to lose interest? Was she boring in bed? Was your attraction to her fading? Just less horny for whatever reason?)
Working out is an excellent suggestion. I find the sound of glass crashing to be very healing when I'm angry, so what I do is go to the concrete part of my yard and smash some cheap dishes or glassware that's already chipped or broken; then I take the glass and create mosaic art out of it...turn negative energy into positive. Or I write down all my rage & then burn it to symbolize letting it go.
Thank you for your input, I really do appreciate it.
I can relate to your store completely also... I suppose technically me and the psycho broke things off a few months back, but ended up living together for quite a while until the lease was up. She cheated on me with this guy she is with now, and they are probably living together... I am not sure, and I really don't give a ****.
I can't say for sure why our sexual relationship went to hell. We were fighting quite a bit, which was part of it, but it went to hell before that. At one point in our relaitonship, she gained about a hundred pounds (and I stayed and didn't say a word about it). At that point, she pushed me away... but after she lost it I pushed her away. Not sure how that relates, but that is when the problem started....
Oh well. Too late to give a crap now.
Again, thanks for the input.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmycat
She's awful! HIS feelings?! What a load of crap!!! You're way better off without her! And they'll both probably end up getting cheated on by each other, (karma). I'm so disgusted with the whole relationship thing right now, I'm just down on the whole bloody idea of them!!! I can definitely relate to what you're going through from a previous relationship over a decade ago where I almost got married. (WTF?!) We had broken things off but were still living together until he "fell in love" with a chick he'd been fooling around with when we were together. (Though she was one of many...) He actually moved in with her, I was FURIOUS, then depressed, and these feelings see-sawed for a long time. As Maestro said, the good thoughts & memories sneak into your consciousness from time to time, and you have to counter that with pure will power.
When this man came back to me a few months later, actually crying, and telling me he realized he'd made the biggest mistake of his life and could not live without me, I told him "You are going to have to, because I'm sorry, but I'm done. I don't feel the same way anymore, and the trust is gone. I will always love you and care about you, but I can never be with you again." The best part? I really meant it. To this day, I am hoping he is happy with someone out there and that he's healed himself of the sickness he had (cheating is a sickness for some people), and with him it was a pattern he had perpetuated his whole adult life, in every relationship. he ever had. I knew this going in b/c we were best friends first, but like many silly gals, I thought I would be the one it would be different with...I'd never fall for THAT one again!!!
Regardless of the quantity/quality of the sex, cheating should not be an option. She should have said something or walked away before anything got to that point. Chances are, if you were losing interest in her that way and she had brought it up, you might have been the one to end things, or you might have talked it out and she would have done so...you'll never know because she decided to take the low road. (But just out of curiosity, why did you start to lose interest? Was she boring in bed? Was your attraction to her fading? Just less horny for whatever reason?)
Working out is an excellent suggestion. I find the sound of glass crashing to be very healing when I'm angry, so what I do is go to the concrete part of my yard and smash some cheap dishes or glassware that's already chipped or broken; then I take the glass and create mosaic art out of it...turn negative energy into positive. Or I write down all my rage & then burn it to symbolize letting it go.
Your relationship woes sound fairly similar to mine, so I will kind of explain for comparison and contrasting purposes....
My girlfriend and I split after a 2+ year relationship. I don't necessarily think it was totally surprising as it had been kicked around in my head prior to it actually happening. She is a very emotional and occasionally controlling type of person, and it made me defiant as I am the type who never allows himself to be controlled. There were plenty of good times, but the bad times seemed to overshadow them more often near the end. We actually split in August, and at first I think I went into an instant state of denial about it. Rather than actually coping or dealing with it, I latched on to a girl at work and went out with her a few times. We never did anything beyond making out, and she was aware of my previous relationship woes. I quickly wised up and realized it was an unhealthy way to deal with my problems and that's when the sh*t really hit the fan. I actually began to process the finalization of it all and it felt bittersweet and really sad. Her and I obviously coped on different levels, but as we have still lived together I do not think either of us has REALLY processed it.
We tried to find someone to take over the lease but had no luck. Her answer towards the living situation is that she would "deal with it" if she needed to...which meant if we had to live together and sleep in separate rooms, so be it. Its become unhealthy...the apartment has become separate and awkward. It does not feel like a home but territorial and fragmented. Our ability to communicate became more and more jaded and fragmented. The apartment went from pristine to often dirty and disheveled. We ran several ads, and it was not until I finally said I would find a roommate and that she had to be out November 1st that any change came about. She never suggested she would do the same. The options were I find a roommate, someone takes over the lease, or we stay put.
Around two weeks ago, she started a strictly sexual relationship with someone. It was pretty hard to process because we went from adventures in Awesomeland in the bedroom to basically nothing. She was often asexual and cold due to issues I wont get into. What was frustrating about it is how out she was about it by doing things like laying out lacy panties in places where I would clearly see them...leave at 10 PM, and come home at 6 AM. This absolutely killed me and I was a wreck the whole weekend after she first started. I told her on several occasions that if she had any level of respect for me I would request she keep that to a minimum until she is moved out. Four days later, she did the same. At one point I was so upset I knocked a bunch of her stuff on the floor. I felt like a real a$$ and became instantly apologetic for doing so but I have never been dealt such an emotional slap in the face before. When I became upset about it, she told me that "I would be depressed about us regardless of what I am doing, so it shouldnt affect you".
After that point I realized truly how selfish of a person she is...but it was not until that point that I retraced a number of steps and realized she has ALWAYS been selfish but I guess I just never acknowledged how much so prior to us separating. One year she didnt get her brother a birthday present, but then threw a fit when he gave her hers a day late.
Right now its a processing issue and I think its too easy to see things in rose colored vision. I dont want her back, but on some sick level I want to improve myself dramatically, have her crawl back, and reject her. I have been exercising a lot and I started therapy, too. I think I will get a part time job as well just to keep myself busy...plus my rent doubles with her gone so I need the extra cash
The ones who wrong us generally do come crawling back, but by the time they do rejecting them doesn't feel so good...even though my ex had lied, cheated, and acted like he didn't care about my feelings anymore, I still felt sorry for him when I saw his distress. The next BF I had tried to come back too, but once again it was a day late & a dollar short, and I was over it by the time the realization of the loss really set in for him...(he never cheated, he was just selfish in other ways and besides that we were a complete mismatch...he's a rapper and I'm into gothic...boy did I stick out like a sore thumb at all those gigs with black clothes & purple hair!!!) My present soon-to-be-ex hasn't cheated, either, so I am slowly but surely renewing my faith in mens' ability to be true, but I can't deny it really damaged my spirit to be betrayed that way, couldn't understand it karmically either since I've NEVER done that, (or even contemplated it) to anyone. I was in therapy for 2 years after that one (yes it definitely helped!) and through that process I came to realize the love I felt for that man was a substitution for a void left inside me after my father died...most of the anger I felt stemmed from a general feeling of abandonment and loss, which was intensified when my "substitute" didn't turn out to be my knight in shining armour. In a strange and twisted way, I kind of feel grateful to him now...if he hadn't triggored that emotion in me by doing what he did, I may never have felt the need to get myself the help I obviously needed. I guess it's true that every dark cloud has a silver lining...!
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Too deep... dumb it down for me! 
