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I think if she doesn't want to do it, you should let it go. If she is your friend, she'll understand your need to heal. That's probably why she's agreed to lunch evne though she thinks it's a bad idea. What is the point of lunch? If it 's just to keep in touch, it can wait. If it's to try to win her back, cancel it and keep your dignity.
I do think it is difficult to win her back and the dignity is useless now.
Hello, and thanks to everyone in advance for reading this and responding. I have not written anything about this, or spelled the entire thing out for anyone since it happened, and am hoping me doing so will be a "release" and help in the healing process.
Last month, my ex-girlfriend moved out of our house after a 6-year run. We were having issues before this, but were locked in a lease until then- it was back in April when she told me that she "loved me, but was not in love with me anymore". Coincidentally, she then started seeing someone else, which she denies to this day... even though she admits that they are NOW together. She says that I waited too long to ask her to marry me- even though at the end she said she is glad I didn't ask because she wasn't ready. She also said she knows that I supported her when no one else did, and that she won't find that again. But doesn't want to talk to or see me for a long time. Confused yet?
She never had a father in her life. Her mom was very independent, and is unable to commit to any man. Obviously, this may have played a part in our failed relationship.
We were once in deep love. She followed me several states away to a place she didn't want to go to when I got transferred at my job. I supported her when she got fired from a job. We did these things because we cared. Now it is quite the opposite. She went from "The One" to "The One Who Ripped Me Apart!!". This is now reality.
However... even though I saw the writing on the wall 6 months ago, I never really started dealing with it until she moved, and I came home to an empty house. For the first few weeks I was fine, having fun and going on my daily activities like nothing was wrong.
Then, one morning, I woke up and found that I didn't care to do anything. Didn't want to eat, go out, or anything at all. I had suddenly realized that there was a big void in my life, that can't be filled. She wasn't going to come back.
This was 3 weeks ago, and I have remained in this state since then. I now make myself go out with friends, and see my family, and watch sports... the typical stuff. But I simply do not care about whatever I'm seeing. My mind is preoccupied. Because of this (partly), I took a leave of absence from work. I wasn't focusing at work, and it was suffering. So I had to go. I also wanted to have some time for fun (even though nothing is fun right now).
I am not sure where I am headed, or how long this recovery will take. I just wanted to throw out my story, and hear the insights of you all (I have read other posts... very good).One more thing I should probably mention... I have OCD, which makes recovery a bit harder!
Thanks for listening.
-DJ
Im sorry to hear of your plight and where you are right now emotionally . Time will heal as well as good friends helping you and supporting you thru this. If you walk away from all this realizing some mistakes youve made then it will have some benefit ; a couple of fundamental mistakes I can see you made was : Moving in together and having sex together before marriage. While our current culture would label these things as 'prudish , old fashioned, and sexually repressive'... you just cant beat what the Creator lays down for our own emotional protection and our greatest long term satisfaction. Regards.
I appreciate that advice, and those that have that outlook, but I also know that if I wouldnt have moved in with her beforehand, or had sex before marriage, we would have gotten married 5 years ago, and right now I would be going through a divorce. I like to live with someone first, because there are compatibility issues that you cannot know until you live together.
Thank you for the advice, however!
Quote:
Originally Posted by HowDeDo
Im sorry to hear of your plight and where you are right now emotionally . Time will heal as well as good friends helping you and supporting you thru this. If you walk away from all this realizing some mistakes youve made then it will have some benefit ; a couple of fundamental mistakes I can see you made was : Moving in together and having sex together before marriage. While our current culture would label these things as 'prudish , old fashioned, and sexually repressive'... you just cant beat what the Creator lays down for our own emotional protection and our greatest long term satisfaction. Regards.
Heya bud. how are you holding up on this now? I posted a huge post for you on the one talking about going out with a girl or not. But wanted to keep this thread going since it's your main one.
Are you still in NC (no contact)? I am in 100% NC right now and honestly, it's worse on me hearing from her then not. At first I thought I wanted to see her and talk to her (I really did). Problem was that all it did was set me back to the point of rejection. I am so glad that I cut her off into NC and she put me into NC as well. I hope she doesn't call me for a long time (although parts of me want her too, I just know it's not good). Because even if it's ever going to work out (being friends or reconcile) it can't happen until we have moved on. Anything before that, is certain death (more for us then them).
Hope you are staying strong. Workout as much as possible. One thing I do, is literally pick a woman out of a crowd who is smoking hot and walk right up to her and just talk to her. You don't have to do this but what I did was say, "hi, don't worry I am not a sales guy etc. I am doing some research on the effect of just randomly picking someone out of a crowd and just start talking to them". This has 100% gotten them to smile and has gotten me very good results in the sense that I have no expectations at all. However, the fact that they are beautiful and responding to me has a way of boosting my confidence to realize that I still have what it takes.
Funny thing is, women love confidence and are very attracted to intelligence as well. By doing this, you show both (if you manage to come off comfortable, funny and attentive). I know for a fact that at least 1 out of 3-4 of those women I could have gotten to go out to dinner because of how I acted. However, I wasn't there for their numbers or a date. I wasn't ready to risk rejection. My emotional system isn't strong enough for that yet. Instead, I was there merely to prove to myself, that not all women hate me, that what my ex did to me was between herself and herself only. It has no affect on how everyone else treats me. What I do and how I act is what affects how the next women will reach for me.
Pretty soon, I will begin the idea of just giving out my email or phone number to them (not asking for theirs). This way I put it in their hands and if they truly are someone worth persuing at the moment, they will reach for me. That will let me know they are interested. Even the ones that don't call who would have loved to hear from me, are victories that I will never know of. But I didn't have expectations of them calling me so I don't stand to be hurt. And one of them is going to call. And when they do, you just made a new friend or the start of a fantastic relationship.
The sooner you get to that point and start to truly love yourself again, the sooner you can realize that rejection is sometimes very positive, and make something out of it should you meet a woman worth putting some effort into. Perhaps she herself is going through it, and would have appreciated you coming up to her. I tell myself that everytime I start to doubt going up to them. I tell myself, she's so beautiful but in reality, she probably doesn't get people coming up to her like me much, because people are afraid or intimidated by her. On top of that, maybe she is going through a rough time or break-up, and by me going up to her and making her feel good about herself, furthers my healing and makes me feel good about myself. Because she will ever love you for making her day and taking the time to care and lift her spirits.
Focus on you buddy, but in doing so, focus on helping others and pointing out to others their qualities (not flaws). Tell a woman that her outfit looks wonderful on her and that she looks radiant. Create new vocabulary for yourself. Allow yourself to imagine and dream as you walk around. Give other the type of love you want a woman to give you in return. Don't expect, just give it. And watch what happens. This will make you feel so much better as you will see people accepting you for you, instead of rejecting you.
I'm doing alright, but havin a down day today. The no contact was broken today, with my ex telling me she is in a committed relationship and doesn't want to talk to me ever again as it isn't fair to him.
First off, that's fine, I won't talk to her again.
Second off.... it isn't fair to him???
Wow.... what a psycho. I have just gone head-first into the angry ticked off stage again. I hope our paths don't cross again as it won't be pretty....
I'll post more later. I need to go do something before I throw this computer out the window!
Oh my god. I am sorry man. No offense to you at all, but what she did was a total F'ing B***H thing to do!! She don't deserve you at all for that one! She purposely did that to you to smash you and get a huge lift out of you. Dam her for that, it isn't fair and is completely immature.
Go run until you can't run anymore. Lift weights until you can't push anymore. Call up some friends or family, whatever you need to do. Thing is, for both of us our relationships are over. What she said to you sped you WAY up to the line of moving on and acceptance.
Don't take it personal (easier said then done) because this wasn't your fault. Women reacting on emotion removes all logic. Hence her completely ridiculous behavior and her incredible need to take one last stab at you and say this to you. She will regret this one day, rest assured.
For you however, it is just the closure you need to remove her from your life. Anything she gets now she deserves (that does not mean go beat him or her up etc). Just that she WILL get slammed for doing that to you. Guarenteed. Let god handle that one, because he will certainly do so in due time. She really deserves a really good smacking for that one, although I am 100% against hitting women. I would never do it, but it don't stop me from thinking that she deserves it. The sad part is, one day they call and say they are sorry for being this way etc and we are supposed to just be ok with that.
Sorry I am kind of ranting on your own thread but I am so mad at your ex right now. I am so angry at women in general right now (not all, just the ones who act like this).
To bad we don't live closer, we could hang out and workout together and help you through this. Me, I am personally doing great. I got the anger 2 weeks ago and it pushed me right into acceptance and dropped all hope. All I think about now is the prospects of beautiful women out there that I can share my dreams and life with. Because she is not the one.
I am so sorry man. I am going to send you a private message or email with my phone number so we can chat if you need to. Really helps to make new friends and get it out of your system. At some point, you have to just stop talking about her entirely. That is what i have been doing lately. It really helps. So does not talking to her. I am so glad mine doesn't call me and torture me like that. She has to much pride, but what she don't realize is that her pride is hurting her, and is helping me. So bring it on.
Man I really feel for you right now. Wish I could really help you. Don't get drunk etc, the come down will make you have nightmares and be worse. Workout hardcore and do somethings to accomplish yourself everyday.
Thanks for your post man, it helped reading that. Yeah we should talk on the phone sometime- that would be cool since we are in the same boat here.
I can already tell this anger is going to help me get through this, as crazy as it sounds to say... In a matter of just a few hours, from waking up before the s**t to now... I have completely turned from caring about her and her happiness into total disgust and hatred.
Hope a little venting is ok cuz I'm about to go off...
Isn't fair to him huh... the same ***hole that I found in my house when we were still living together... Found his work identification laying on my chair when I got home from work... Same guy that was undoubtedly telling her how bad I was when he knew nothing about me...
Wonder if his b***h ass would have stayed with her when she got depressed and gained a hundred frickin pounds... wonder if he would have never brought it up knowing she was in a fragile state... wonder if he would have paid all of her bills for 6 months while she was unemployed after getting fired...
I wasn't perfect through our relationship, I made my mistakes and said things I shouldn't have... but my actions showed my true character, way beyond what I was shown in return...
I'm sure in her little fantasy world this is my fault and I was a horrible boyfriend. She'll realize how ridiculous that is in time, and when she calls me (and she will, as you said they always do) I will laugh and tell her to **** off.
Well that made me feel a little better.... talk to you soon.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maestro2be
Oh my god. I am sorry man. No offense to you at all, but what she did was a total F'ing B***H thing to do!! She don't deserve you at all for that one! She purposely did that to you to smash you and get a huge lift out of you. Dam her for that, it isn't fair and is completely immature.
Go run until you can't run anymore. Lift weights until you can't push anymore. Call up some friends or family, whatever you need to do. Thing is, for both of us our relationships are over. What she said to you sped you WAY up to the line of moving on and acceptance.
Don't take it personal (easier said then done) because this wasn't your fault. Women reacting on emotion removes all logic. Hence her completely ridiculous behavior and her incredible need to take one last stab at you and say this to you. She will regret this one day, rest assured.
For you however, it is just the closure you need to remove her from your life. Anything she gets now she deserves (that does not mean go beat him or her up etc). Just that she WILL get slammed for doing that to you. Guarenteed. Let god handle that one, because he will certainly do so in due time. She really deserves a really good smacking for that one, although I am 100% against hitting women. I would never do it, but it don't stop me from thinking that she deserves it. The sad part is, one day they call and say they are sorry for being this way etc and we are supposed to just be ok with that.
Sorry I am kind of ranting on your own thread but I am so mad at your ex right now. I am so angry at women in general right now (not all, just the ones who act like this).
To bad we don't live closer, we could hang out and workout together and help you through this. Me, I am personally doing great. I got the anger 2 weeks ago and it pushed me right into acceptance and dropped all hope. All I think about now is the prospects of beautiful women out there that I can share my dreams and life with. Because she is not the one.
I am so sorry man. I am going to send you a private message or email with my phone number so we can chat if you need to. Really helps to make new friends and get it out of your system. At some point, you have to just stop talking about her entirely. That is what i have been doing lately. It really helps. So does not talking to her. I am so glad mine doesn't call me and torture me like that. She has to much pride, but what she don't realize is that her pride is hurting her, and is helping me. So bring it on.
Man I really feel for you right now. Wish I could really help you. Don't get drunk etc, the come down will make you have nightmares and be worse. Workout hardcore and do somethings to accomplish yourself everyday.
she has no real priorities. they should have been focused on not disrespecting you when you guys wee together. she is a person of low standards.
she should have cared more about you and what you guys were going thru before galavanting with some homeboy.
you are better off with out her.
she did that to you, and im sure she will do that to this new guy. he deserves that after all. he knows what kind of slimy woman this is. he aided her. said the right things to facilitate her exit.
hes slimy. they deserve each other.
anger is ok. but dont forget that it is a poison that first infects its original vessel (you). its not worth holding on to. let it go and realize that you are better than anger. and what you should have for them is pity. pit the fact that to people of low standards think they will make it. even if they do make it, its a sham. she wasnt faithful to you. how can this guy expect her to be faithful to him.
you are better off without her.
she has not respect, and doesnt deserve any. if you do cross paths, dont get angry. some one without respect for others or themselves does not deserve that much energy from you.
if you do run into her. look at her. up and down. smirk at yourself realizing that you made the right choice and walk away laughing.
it will kill her. its better than tryin to let her have it.
she aint worth it man.
Quote:
Originally Posted by djfish34ren
Thanks for your post man, it helped reading that. Yeah we should talk on the phone sometime- that would be cool since we are in the same boat here.
I can already tell this anger is going to help me get through this, as crazy as it sounds to say... In a matter of just a few hours, from waking up before the s**t to now... I have completely turned from caring about her and her happiness into total disgust and hatred.
Hope a little venting is ok cuz I'm about to go off...
Isn't fair to him huh... the same ***hole that I found in my house when we were still living together... Found his work identification laying on my chair when I got home from work... Same guy that was undoubtedly telling her how bad I was when he knew nothing about me...
Wonder if his b***h ass would have stayed with her when she got depressed and gained a hundred frickin pounds... wonder if he would have never brought it up knowing she was in a fragile state... wonder if he would have paid all of her bills for 6 months while she was unemployed after getting fired...
I wasn't perfect through our relationship, I made my mistakes and said things I shouldn't have... but my actions showed my true character, way beyond what I was shown in return...
I'm sure in her little fantasy world this is my fault and I was a horrible boyfriend. She'll realize how ridiculous that is in time, and when she calls me (and she will, as you said they always do) I will laugh and tell her to **** off.
Well that made me feel a little better.... talk to you soon.
The more I read about this ex girlfriend the more shocked I am by her callous attitude.
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