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I also don't understand what she means by correcting him, and also feel that if she asks him not to post about their problems that he might find another computer to use and still post under a different name, not necessarily here either.
Yeah, that's where the whole trust issue comes in. The guy "sounded" like he was a good judge of character - he was well spoken, presented both sides of the story and I felt was honest about his feelings so *hopefully* if she says that it bothers him then he'd respect her wishes. You are right though, it's as easy as getting a new username and/or computer. How deceitful we can all sometimes be!
Everyone needs to vent. I think that posting those thoughts anonymously on a forum is a valid outlet. Sure, one should also be able to talk to ones S/O or spouse about anything and I do... however, if I am really wound up emotionally and agitated, I give myself a timeout in order to calm down before the discussion begins. I think the best way to work out a disagreement is to do so calmly and be willing to see your partner's side of things. And when one is too emotional and agitated, it's very difficult to accomplish that. I also don't like speaking in anger because a later apology can never completely nullify and erase those ugly words for the other person.
i'm reading the post as if you don't "defend" your loved ones when some lunatic on a forum or on the streets or in your own family even trashes them, then you don't love your loved ones. that somehow it is a show of love or honor to defend them
i totally disagree. To jump into an argument with someone who is crazy or deranged or hostile is not a show of love or respect to anyone, including yourself. All it does is make you as crazy or deranged as the person who is doing the trashing and you're right down there in the mud with them thrashing around
a healthy guideline for me is that i never have to defend, justify, or explain anything to anyone ever.
it is the difference between choosing how I respond, or whether I am just in knee-jerk react mode
Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 09-30-2008 at 11:21 AM..
Okay after much internal debate I have decided to talk about this again. More so I think so I will be able to get past it all and move on.
I guess I should start with how I found the thread in the first place. A friend of mine from Face book is a member. (Who wishes to remain anonymous). She found the thread and informed me about it. Of course I was curious so I read it. She replied to it and at times used some of my thoughts and feelings on the subject, and some of her own as well I don’t think it would really matter if I hadn’t found it through a friend. My husband and I share each others email addresses and passwords in an attempt to keep things open and honest with each other.
The storm has calmed here in our home. However I think my husband and I both still have indifferent feelings about what has happened and how we both feel about it. At least I do that's for sure. We haven’t brought the matter up again. For the most part I understand why he started the thread, to get answers and help as to how I feel and what I may be going through. What I don’t understand and find hard is why he didn’t just try to ask me himself. Why he agreed to shelf the topic of babies until a later date then continued to feed the no babies side. Why his posts seemed to claim commitment and lack a feeling of love towards me. And most importantly to me why he feels that I don’t think of his children as my own and feel commitment to our marriage.
I truly wish I was still ignorant to the whole thread. I feel like I’ve read his journal and found out how he really feels about me and our relationship. He has always had a hard time communicating to me, and showing love and empathy towards me when I need it- even when I have asked for it. He has expressed that this has been a problem in past relationships as well, and claims to be working on it. I am having a hard time feeling and accepting the love he been trying to express and show me. Everything just feels soo empty right now.
I still feel really sad about the whole thing. Like I said in my original post It was very hard to hear but also very informative. I have taken a step back and tired to see things from his perspective. To be fair to him yes, in some instances he is right. I can see why he feels the way he does about not thinking we will be together in 20 years. There were some mistakes that I have made in our relationship. I feel like I have owned up to those mistakes and given a sincere apology for them.
Please don’t tell me that our relationship is doomed and we should file for divorce. I don't believe that is the answer. I without doubt live this man more than I have ever loved, Yes, I still have the strong desire to have another child, and hope and pray that we will be able to understand each others positions and move forward in a loving healthy relationship.
I'm sure the husband just needed to talk about these issues. Maybe the communication at home is at a standstill. Very difficult decision and very hard when the husband and wife have different feelings and views on it.
I think I would feel strange if I read something my husband had posted that was a sensitive area. Although I post a lot about difficulties in our marriage and he has no clue. If I used names I think that would be wrong. He doesn't enjoy being on the computer so for me it is a good outlet and I've learned a lot through other posts.
Keep the communication lines open and listen to each other's hearts...good luck.
Her post made me think about some of the things that I write. I decided to take my town off of my profile. Not that there are many people near me but most of us are probably truthful with our posts since no one knows who we are.
Just a thought
Her post made me think about some of the things that I write. I decided to take my town off of my profile. Not that there are many people near me but most of us are probably truthful with our posts since no one knows who we are.
Just a thought
If somebody knows you and follows your posts, taking your town down is not going to change much.
Okay after much internal debate I have decided to talk about this again. More so I think so I will be able to get past it all and move on.
I guess I should start with how I found the thread in the first place. A friend of mine from Face book is a member. (Who wishes to remain anonymous). She found the thread and informed me about it. Of course I was curious so I read it. She replied to it and at times used some of my thoughts and feelings on the subject, and some of her own as well I don’t think it would really matter if I hadn’t found it through a friend. My husband and I share each others email addresses and passwords in an attempt to keep things open and honest with each other.
The storm has calmed here in our home. However I think my husband and I both still have indifferent feelings about what has happened and how we both feel about it. At least I do that's for sure. We haven’t brought the matter up again. For the most part I understand why he started the thread, to get answers and help as to how I feel and what I may be going through. What I don’t understand and find hard is why he didn’t just try to ask me himself. Why he agreed to shelf the topic of babies until a later date then continued to feed the no babies side. Why his posts seemed to claim commitment and lack a feeling of love towards me. And most importantly to me why he feels that I don’t think of his children as my own and feel commitment to our marriage.
I truly wish I was still ignorant to the whole thread. I feel like I’ve read his journal and found out how he really feels about me and our relationship. He has always had a hard time communicating to me, and showing love and empathy towards me when I need it- even when I have asked for it. He has expressed that this has been a problem in past relationships as well, and claims to be working on it. I am having a hard time feeling and accepting the love he been trying to express and show me. Everything just feels soo empty right now.
I still feel really sad about the whole thing. Like I said in my original post It was very hard to hear but also very informative. I have taken a step back and tired to see things from his perspective. To be fair to him yes, in some instances he is right. I can see why he feels the way he does about not thinking we will be together in 20 years. There were some mistakes that I have made in our relationship. I feel like I have owned up to those mistakes and given a sincere apology for them.
Please don’t tell me that our relationship is doomed and we should file for divorce. I don't believe that is the answer. I without doubt live this man more than I have ever loved, Yes, I still have the strong desire to have another child, and hope and pray that we will be able to understand each others positions and move forward in a loving healthy relationship.
Is this about whe my wife wants more babies and I dont post in the parenting forum?
Don't you think your husband has the right to post things on forums, and talk to others about your relationship? Think of it this way, at least it was with complete strangers and not people you actually know.
borntobeme - How would you feel if you found out that your husband had been talking to your church pastor or a professional counselor about your marriage problems? That is also a private and confidential setting. It's still venting and trying to deal with being completely at odds with one's spouse.
And rather that having hurt feelings, you should instead be realizing how seriously your husband doesn't want to have any more children. Having another baby will not strengthen your marital bond. In fact, I truly believe that if you force him to have another child, you will drive him away from you. If you really love your husband, your marriage should be more about the love you both have for each other, and not having more children which will only move the focus and energy of your marriage into more child rearing. I think that he wanted to marry you as a woman, not a mother with several babies. Plus kids are very expensive to raise properly. And are you going to come up with the extra income needed for a second baby?And y ou can't leave those details up to your god. Your husband works hard to bring home his paycheck. It's his sweat, not god's work that fills your bank account.
borntobeme - How would you feel if you found out that your husband had been talking to your church pastor or a professional counselor about your marriage problems? That is also a private and confidential setting. It's still venting and trying to deal with being completely at odds with one's spouse.
I understand what your saying. I really wouldnt have a problem with him talking to our pastor, or a counselor. Actually either would be great. I dont even have a problem with him blogging on this or any other forum.
He says he didnt feel bad that I found the blog at all, and says that he was thinking of sharing it with me anyway. I do still feel like I wish that I never knew about it. The truth does hurt. and I'm doing my best to move forward with our lives.
The problem with the baby thing is that we both prayed about it. He got the answer of no, and I got the answer of yes. I feel like I'm being tortured. If I could snap my fingers and make this all go away believe me I would. I have really tried to let go of the feeling of wanting another child. I tell myself on the bad day with our kids that I really dont want to do this again. I've tried to not be around babies at all. The feelings just dont go away. It's been two years... and the feeling is stronger than ever.
I have found in my marriage that it is easier to give in and open up my heart to my husbands dreams, wantes and desires, then to tell him no and deal with the after effects, or to try and make him forget about them.
He has pushed pretty hard about some big life changes, It was really hard for me to accept, and support him but I did becuase it meant so much to him. If I have to shave a piece of myself off for him why is it wrong to expect that he wouldnt be willing to do the same for me?
Contrary to what he said in his thread, I never threatned to get pregant with out him, or would try and trick him into it.
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How deceitful we can all sometimes be!
