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I was 34 at the time and lost my wife in 9/11. We were married for 11 months. It has taken me up to the last 18 months to get my life back together and have now met a wonderful woman and we are planning to marry next year.
As we live our day to day lives there are times when I bring up my past wife, most of the time not intentionally but by the time I realise I've just referred to her in a conversation it's too late, the words have already come out. Things like "oh yea, my wife used to enjoy skiing too". I feel uncomfortable when I say things like that, maybe she thinks I'm making comparisons between the two, I don't know. We have discussed it and she tells me it does not bother her at all and that she was / is part of my life. Somehow I'm not sure if she is being honest about it. I think it bothers her, although she tells me it doesn't. I don't do it on purpose, the words just flow out of my mouth in normal conversation. What advice would you suggest? Should I be more carefull before I open my mouth, is it appropriate bring up my past wife? To the ladies, would you feel uncomfortable if your partner brought up his past wife in conversation?
Your advice would be appreciated.
I was 34 at the time and lost my wife in 9/11. We were married for 11 months. It has taken me up to the last 18 months to get my life back together and have now met a wonderful woman and we are planning to marry next year.
As we live our day to day lives there are times when I bring up my past wife, most of the time not intentionally but by the time I realise I've just referred to her in a conversation it's too late, the words have already come out. Things like "oh yea, my wife used to enjoy skiing too". I feel uncomfortable when I say things like that, maybe she thinks I'm making comparisons between the two, I don't know. We have discussed it and she tells me it does not bother her at all and that she was / is part of my life. Somehow I'm not sure if she is being honest about it. I think it bothers her, although she tells me it doesn't. I don't do it on purpose, the words just flow out of my mouth in normal conversation. What advice would you suggest? Should I be more carefull before I open my mouth, is it appropriate bring up my past wife? To the ladies, would you feel uncomfortable if your partner brought up his past wife in conversation?
Your advice would be appreciated.
Wow Minx, first off, my sincerest condolances on the tragic loss of your wife. I am so happy you have been able to pull yourself together over time and continue striving for a good life.
I think if your new lady is telling you these references to your deceased wife are okay, then they are really okay. For me personally it would not be a problem to hear you speak of her occasionally. It would only be a problem for me if I ever felt like you were comparing me to her. For instance, the first time your new wife makes the whole Thanksgiving dinner alone would not be a good time to say, well you know *Tina used to bake the turkey THIS way. Just be sensitive to the fact that she loves you and wants to please you, so if you talk about your first wife just make sure you aren't making direct comparisons with your first wife and you should be fine. Best of luck - I'm sure *Tina is up there feeling very happy to know you are no longer alone
For instance, the first time your new wife makes the whole Thanksgiving dinner alone would not be a good time to say, well you know *Tina used to bake the turkey THIS way.
I am extremely careful in these types of situations and would never make it seem like a comparison. It's more in casual chit chat conversations that a comment or reference to my past wife just comes out of my mouth. It never happens in serious or in depth conversations, maybe because I'm more focused in those situations. As I now have 40 years of past life and she obviously doesn't know every detail of those 40 years, she sometimes asks me a general question and the only way I can answer her is by making a reference to my past wife.
it would not bother me if she just came up i casual conversation. in fact i would think it would really bother me if he never metioned her as if she never existed. she DID exist, she was part of your life, and always will be.
I dated a widower and it never bothered me to hear about his dead wife. As a matter of fact, I appreciated that he was comfortable in sharing things about her/them. It was other things that did the relationship in. Hearing about ex's isn't the curse of death for a relationship - being compared to the ex is.
Hearing about ex's isn't the curse of death for a relationship - being compared to the ex is.
That's what I'm trying to explain. I never make comparisons (or I hope it doesn't come accross like that to her), it's just idle conversation and it's usually an "off the cuff" comment. But I worry or think she may not like my past wife being mentioned at all. I'm probably getting all worked up over nothing, but at the same time I don't want to put a foot wrong either.
Just wanted to add my thoughts to the mix . . . First of all, Minx, you have gone thru/ such a traumatic experience . . . how wonderful that you have been able to move through your grief, get your bearings and find a new life. I can only imagine how challenging that has been.
My sister lost her husband in an accident when she was 36. Like you, it took a while (7 years) but she found a new love and they have made a good life together. I have noticed that she does mention her deceased husband on occasion and there have been times when - as a family - someone has brought up her former hubby's name . . . and her spouse seems totally fine with it. He knows we all had a history w/ "Jim" - and in no way is anything ever said that wasn't just a natural extension of the conversation or in such a way that it would make "Paul" feel bad (or as Loves said - compared). There are memories we all have . . . "Jim" was part of our lives for many years as we had grown up across the street from him!!! So not talking about him on occasion would be stranger than having a memory mentioned at times.
And of course, I have friends who have lost a spouse and remarried . . . and it seems to me there are two things that would make the new love in your life feel uncomfortable. Comparing, as has been mentioned and if she were to be made to feel she was a "substitute." Like - well, I lost the REAL love of my life, but I have been lucky to find someone else to at least fill the emptiness.
Now you seem like a very sensitive and thoughtful person . . . so I cannot imagine you either comparing or making your new love feel she is just a substitute . . . but I mention this only to illustrate that anything else - mentioning your deceased wife . . . memories you relay . . . or even objects that remind you of your wife . . . those things are not hurtful and anyone who feels secure in a relationship would realize the value of treasured memories and would definitely want you to cherish them, as that was part of your life and part of who you are today.
I have seen couples join together to honor the memory of a spouse who has passed on . . . in a caring and respectful way . . . and it sounds to me that if your new love felt threatened or hurt . . . she would have told you. Mature people will choose to "frame" their spouse's history . . . and I just bet that is what your fiancee has done . . . and she is being totally sincere when she tells you she understands and is not upset by your occasional references to your wife.
As time goes on, you will make more and more memories as a couple . . . and conversation will be filled w/ those moments. It doesn't mean you have abandoned the memory or love for your wife - it just means you have moved on to a new place w/ your present relationship.
Here's wishing you many years filled with wonderful experiences and much happiness!!!
Your former wife was not someone who you divorced, it is someone that you loved and lost and for that reason it should be expected that at times, you are going to remember her. Not because you love your new fiance less, but because you remember your love and passion with your former wife. I think that in order to get through and passed speaking of your former wife, you have to be able to express yourself when and where you feel it necessary. 9/11 is something that comes around every year and it was a tragic event that touched you personally because you lost someone that you loved. I can't even imagine the emotions that you have gone through and will continue to go through but if your new fiance loves you she will support you and allow you to grieve when need be (mentioning your fomer wife is a way of grieving).
Good luck and god bless!
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