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Having a relationship does not mean marriage. I'm pretty sure she more meant the two of them seeing each other and noone else. Maybe she did like him a lot and the "accidental sex" made her mention it. Maybe she doesnt want to be having sex with someone who is having sex with 3 other people.
I think the issue is that she withheld she had children until after they dated for a bit and slept together. I don't the OP wants to sleep around...he said he really likes the girl. The issue is whether or not he wants to pursue a relationship with this woman since finding out there are 2 children in the equation.
Here is my point of view. It seems more like this was a partying thing with a couple of lunches. I also think she should have said something sooner about the kids but I understand why she didnt. I have been in this situation with one kid and in my 20's. I never told anyone I went out with about my child until after several dates or meetings at bars. Why? because if it is just causual and I didnt know if I liked them, I didnt feel it was their business. I kept those two lives very seperate. The few people that I did become very involved with knew about the kids but didnt come into the kids life until I felt there were true possibilities in a future together. which of course means marriage. those few that came that far only hung out with me and my girl as a friend. Never any hand holding or kisses. typically in group setting. I did not want men in and out of her life and to this day I think I made the right decision. My dh now never showed any real affection toward me until after the L word was said and we started talking about future plans.
so, in my opinion you are doing nothing wrong and neither is she. YOU need to decide whether or not this is something you want to pursue for yourself. Remembering that their are kids involved and if she wants to throw you in their lives right away that is a red flag. If she is just being protective of her kids that is a good thing. There is nothing wrong with not being ready for kids in your life on a regular basis. Talk to her.
OK I am in a pickel, as some may say. I need some relationship advice on weather or not to pursue a relationship with a single mother. Basically, I've known this girl for a very long time now. We originally started out as friends back in high school. After high school we lost contact for about 4 years. Anyways, after we re-established contact, we started hanging out, going out to bars, movies and out to lunch. During this time I was starting to really like her more than just a friend. Needless to say, we ended up sleeping together. It wasn't till after, I found out that she was the mother of two boys. Then she said that she wants a relationship. Honestly, I really don't know what to think? I simply told her that I needed some time to think about this. So I have, and I just don't know what to do, I mean she's attractive, I get along with her so well and I absolutely love her personality, but I'm just very confused because I've never dated anyone with kids and I've heard so much conflicting advice regarding this. I feel torn and very inexperienced in this department. I've been hurt many times before and I just don't want to get hurt again, nor do I want to hurt her. I just don't know what to do. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Ok, here goes....
1) I think that she should have told you she has kids upfront but she is openly asking you about a relationship with you now knowing about her having kids.
2) Your choice right now is quite simple..what are you looking for, can she provide that and is it fair to her and her kids. Basically, she is going to want a dad for those kids. If you think she is potentially marriage material and you can live with that....then go for it.
Lastly, I would find out more about why she got divorced, how much she is into you etc. to make sure that her motivations are honest and she isn't just daddy shopping. If you do proceed, do not get kids involved for a couple months so that you have time to know if YOU two are right together.
Best of luck, if not...I would try to remain friends. Perhaps say that you cannot commit to the kind of relationship that she would deserve to have?
As a former divorced mom who is now remarried, IOW I did the whole dating as a single mom thing, I get really concerned when I hear about women going on all kinds of dates( bars, lunch, sleeping together ) without the other party ever even being aware of the children. This is very Casey Anthony to me, if you know what I mean. As a single mom, the two men I dated were VERY aware that I had children, I was proud to talk about them, called Grandma to see how they were doing, all that stuff that any good mother does, whether she is single or not. One fellow I dated was impressed that he came over to visit one evening and I sent him on my way so I could put my little girls to bed properly. But he was a divorced dad too.
So the bigger issue here to me, is not that she has children, but that she "hid" them for such a long time.This speaks volumes about her character and her manipulative abilities. Run,run,run before she makes you the father of number 3!
I've never heard such poor advice. It amazes me how a guy can commit enough to have sex but can't commit enough for anything else. I think she is better off without you. She needs a man not some boy out for a roll in the hay.
Great advice actually. The vast majority of single men, after a certain age, are out for nothing more than a roll in the hay. The ones who were committment material are already committed. And single moms have a huge tendency to settle rather than looking for that rare keeper.
So rather than try to change him, give him some good advice. Run Dude!! And go get laid by the multitudes.
Having a relationship does not mean marriage. I'm pretty sure she more meant the two of them seeing each other and noone else. Maybe she did like him a lot and the "accidental sex" made her mention it. Maybe she doesnt want to be having sex with someone who is having sex with 3 other people.
Take your point completely but relationships progress at their own speed and I too would be rather taken aback if someone in these circumstances wanted an exclusive commitment right off the bat. This is what really seems to be bothering the OP. He barely knows the girl and she's asking for something he's not prepared to give so early on in whatever relationship they may have.
He likes the girl, she's attractive and fun, they have a casual relationship and then end up in bed together after which she says, "Oh, by the way, I've got two children and I would like us to see each other exclusively." Sounds as though she's looking to go from A-D, completely ignoring B and C en route. To me that's a warning flag. If your reasoning that, " Maybe she doesnt want to be having sex with someone who is having sex with 3 other people" is true then maybe as a responsible mother she should have thought about that before ending up in bed with someone she hardly knew ... Cheers!
Great advice actually. The vast majority of single men, after a certain age, are out for nothing more than a roll in the hay. The ones who were committment material are already committed. And single moms have a huge tendency to settle rather than looking for that rare keeper.
So rather than try to change him, give him some good advice. Run Dude!! And go get laid by the multitudes.
BEST ADVICE SO FAR IN THE ENTIRE THREAD (other than my advice).
Zero86, too bad you post here looking for advice only to have people attack you and your character. Youre a young guy, theres plenty of other women out there without anchors that you can get involved with. Plus, I dont think you guys are really that good of friends otherwise she would have told you (or you would have already known) about TWO kids.
1) Yeah, she never mentioned once that she had kids, only that she married her High School boyfriend in summer of '02, then got Divorced 3 years later.
2) We only had sex once, then she told me about her kids, then that she wanted to pursue a relationship.
3) I haven't talked to her since I told her, I needed some time to think about this. Mainly, because since she has kids its not going to be just her and I and it complicates things. It's been about 4 days since the last time we talked.
4) I mean, I would like to still keep her as my friend, but I don't know if that would be a good Idea, since we slept together. What would you suggest?
In a fisherman's term, she did a "bait, troll, and hook-up !!!".
1) She did not tell you about her kids because she did not want to scare you away. She's probably learn that from all the eligible men that she scared away in the past.
2) Now that you two have had sex (one time), it's time to set the hook!! She's telling you that this sex ain't free! If you like it, then you'll need to put a ring on it!!! (to quote Beyonce ). It is zero down payment, but it is implied that you'll be obligated to monthly payment of mortgage, living expenses, and child raising expenses in next 18 yrs.
3) The fact that you hesitated means a lot. Your 'inner self' is flashing red light *** WARNING! WARNING! ***, while your testoterone is screaming *** oh sex! sex is great !! Let's have some more!! *** Let's face it, taking on a woman for a marriage plus two kids is a lot for a young man to think about !! This is waaaaaayyy more serious decision than buying a corvette! So why would you take less time to think about this one???
4) While you'd like to keep her as 'friend', the reality is that she may not want to after you tell her that you're not interested in a 'relationship' (a code word women use for marriage). She is in the market for a husband, someone to help her to raise her two children! Let's face it, it's probably pretty tough on her right now, being a single mom & all. While I have all the sympathy for her, unless you're sooooo in love with her and willing to take on that financial & emotional responsibilities for the next 20 yrs, I would not avise you to get involved with her.
Can you afford to spend an extra $3,000 a month now? That's what you'll be looking at for a house (for her & her two young kids), food, health insurance, her car, clothings, etc. Kids eat & pooo a lot, they out grow their clothes, they need to see doctors & dentists, pre-school tuitions, etc. This is a one serious responsibility to take on. Think it over before she 'introduces' you to the kids and hope that you 'bond' with them to firm up your decision.
Single mothers with young, young children shouldn't be dating anyway (how old are her kids?). Guys who date single mothers had better do so fully prepared to become step-fathers one day. Not every man is up to this challenge, are you?
Single mom here--not looking for a father for my child--he has one.
However, just because I have a child doesn't mean that I am dead to the opposite sex. I would always let a potential date know that I have a 12 year old at home, but they won't be meeting or interacting with him unless the relationship evolves beyond dating. It's not fair to my son.
Any guy that I would consider dating would have to be fine with the fact I have a child. I certainly wouldn't be going out with, much less sleeping with, someone who freaks out at the idea that I have a child (who by the way, I have raised without much assistance from dad and who is a bright and well-adjusted kid who doesn't need some flake who only wants to have non-commital sex with me in his life).
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). It is zero down payment, but it is implied that you'll be obligated to monthly payment of mortgage, living expenses, and child raising expenses in next 18 yrs.
