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Single mom here--not looking for a father for my child--he has one.
However, just because I have a child doesn't mean that I am dead to the opposite sex. I would always let a potential date know that I have a 12 year old at home, but they won't be meeting or interacting with him unless the relationship evolves beyond dating. It's not fair to my son.
Any guy that I would consider dating would have to be fine with the fact I have a child. I certainly wouldn't be going out with, much less sleeping with, someone who freaks out at the idea that I have a child (who by the way, I have raised without much assistance from dad and who is a bright and well-adjusted kid who doesn't need some flake who only wants to have non-commital sex with me in his life).
Thanks. This has nothing whatsoever to do with what the OP is asking though and is off topic. But congrats to you for raising a child.
I love how people come on here and tell the OP basically that he is an ass for having second thoughts about it. Give me a break!!!!
I wonder if you had a 24 year old son, who met a 24 year old girl with two kids, what would you think then? I doubt, I seriously doubt, that you would tell him that you approved.
You would most likely tell him what others here have said, that he is too young to commit to what could turn into a possible bad situation. You would tell him that he is young, and needs to go and live his life.
Fact is, he is young. Also, she kind of lied to him. Omission is a lie. If they were such friends, he would have known about them prior.
Also, you'll get a lot of females her who may advise you to do otherwise, but remember, they more than likely are looking at it from the viewpoint of "oh the poor mother" instead of what is good for YOU who posted this thread asking advice for whats best for YOU. End it and find another girl without the baggage.
Just wanted to reiterate my point.
OP, I think you can weed through the REAL advice on this thread and throw out the "blah blah blah oh single mothers .....blah blah blah.....have a hard time....blah blah blah" stuff. Youre young and will easily find someone else. If she doesnt want to be your friend, then she's not really worth having around now is she? Good luck.
OK I am in a pickel, as some may say. I need some relationship advice on weather or not to pursue a relationship with a single mother. Basically, I've known this girl for a very long time now. We originally started out as friends back in high school. After high school we lost contact for about 4 years. Anyways, after we re-established contact, we started hanging out, going out to bars, movies and out to lunch. During this time I was starting to really like her more than just a friend. Needless to say, we ended up sleeping together. It wasn't till after, I found out that she was the mother of two boys. Then she said that she wants a relationship. Honestly, I really don't know what to think? I simply told her that I needed some time to think about this. So I have, and I just don't know what to do, I mean she's attractive, I get along with her so well and I absolutely love her personality, but I'm just very confused because I've never dated anyone with kids and I've heard so much conflicting advice regarding this. I feel torn and very inexperienced in this department. I've been hurt many times before and I just don't want to get hurt again, nor do I want to hurt her. I just don't know what to do. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Man, I have two words for you: Full Disclosure.
Dating a woman with kids is not a problem at all, as long as you understand that there's a different dynamic at work there. A woman unencumbered by kids can do whatever whenever, while a woman with two kids must put the kids first at all times during your relationship.
Yet what happened here is that you apparently had any number of dates, just as you would with any other woman. This progressed naturally in a way you'd normally expect with good faith on your part. However, only after you actually made the beast with two backs did you learn that she has two kids.
In other words, during all those hours of being together, she never mentioned her kids once to you. This was no accidental omission, for the average mother can't go without mentioning her kids ten minutes. So, in effect, she lied to you about who she was in a pretty cold and calculated manner. She manipulated you into falling for her, and then pulled two kids out of the closet, making that part of the package deal.
If she had integrity, this would have been part of the conversation in the first three minutes you had gotten together. She would have said, "Hey, I'm the same great gal you knew in high school. But I have two kids now." Then you could have decided to pursue her or not based on the knowledge at hand. You strike me as a nice guy, so I'm guessing you would have at least approached things with an open mind.
Here's the other thing to think about. If she holds out such important details in her life until you are emotionally involved, what other things will she be holding out on you? Secretive people are always that way, and it's hell to be involved with one.
Countryluvingwoman1, this is not helping what so ever, now your just being extremely argumentative. If you had actually paid attention to what I had stated earlier, that I really like her alot. But in order to answer your question, when two people like each other they may or may not choose to have sex. But this is completely off topic, I am here for advice and not here to argue. So if you have any advice the please, do share I would be glad to hear it.
Hey Bro.
I married a woman with a kid.
She was fun and all. I knew right up front though. I think the first time I talked to her on the phone after exchanging numbers. I think your girl is pulling a fast one on you for not telling you. Especially if you knew each other for a while and hung out alot before you slept together. I think she is trying to rope you in with the sex. Be careful.
After getting married I found I was ALWAYS number 2. In your case you would be number 3. However she sounds immature if she is out at the bar with you while she has 2 kids at home. You change your life around for the kids to some extent. Sounds like she is looking to complete the picture like was mentioned. You being the "DAD."
It's not a cake walk to be a stepdad. You do have your problems but you can do it. However, I feel you already don't want to pursue this relationship and you just need some support from CD friends to let you know you are doing the right thing in ending it.
To be a nice guy...take her to dinner and tell her EXACTLY how you feel. Tell her she should have mentioned her children. Tell her you love kids and get along with kids really good. However...then tell her it disturbed you that she didn't mention them sooner. Like she was hiding them. Don't make her feel like she was used for some sex. Let her know you dig honesty and since she wasn't up front with you about the kids you will have to call it quits. Then seriously end it. Erase her number from your phones, erase all emails and such that would remind you of her. This way she will feel bad for what SHE did and not what YOU did.
I love how people come on here and tell the OP basically that he is an ass for having second thoughts about it. Give me a break!!!!
I wonder if you had a 24 year old son, who met a 24 year old girl with two kids, what would you think then? I doubt, I seriously doubt, that you would tell him that you approved.
You would most likely tell him what others here have said, that he is too young to commit to what could turn into a possible bad situation. You would tell him that he is young, and needs to go and live his life.
Fact is, he is young. Also, she kind of lied to him. Omission is a lie. If they were such friends, he would have known about them prior.
I've never heard such poor advice. It amazes me how a guy can commit enough to have sex but can't commit enough for anything else. I think she is better off without you. She needs a man not some boy out for a roll in the hay.
See, I don't agree with what you're saying at all. It's not as if they met at a bar and did it on the first date. In effect, they started dating. They started talking about their lives. They got used to each other, and eventually got into the sack together. And only after consummating, did she mention the kids.
Let's look at it this way, CLW. If you were dating again and you met a really nice guy, how long would you wait until you mentioned your kids? Five minutes or five weeks? And if you waited five weeks, what is your motivation? Whatever it is, it's pretty manipulative.
Take your point completely but relationships progress at their own speed and I too would be rather taken aback if someone in these circumstances wanted an exclusive commitment right off the bat. This is what really seems to be bothering the OP. He barely knows the girl and she's asking for something he's not prepared to give so early on in whatever relationship they may have.
He likes the girl, she's attractive and fun, they have a casual relationship and then end up in bed together after which she says, "Oh, by the way, I've got two children and I would like us to see each other exclusively." Sounds as though she's looking to go from A-D, completely ignoring B and C en route. To me that's a warning flag. If your reasoning that, " Maybe she doesnt want to be having sex with someone who is having sex with 3 other people" is true then maybe as a responsible mother she should have thought about that before ending up in bed with someone she hardly knew ... Cheers!
I would totally agree with this. I was just making the point that because she asked about the relationsip being exclusive doesnt mean that she wants him as a dad to her kids and marriage. She should have told him sooner, and he should question her on that.
To be a nice guy...take her to dinner and tell her EXACTLY how you feel. Tell her she should have mentioned her children. Tell her you love kids and get along with kids really good. However...then tell her it disturbed you that she didn't mention them sooner. Like she was hiding them. Don't make her feel like she was used for some sex. Let her know you dig honesty and since she wasn't up front with you about the kids you will have to call it quits. Then seriously end it. Erase her number from your phones, erase all emails and such that would remind you of her. This way she will feel bad for what SHE did and not what YOU did.
I would not advice to take her to dinner "... then tell her it disturbed you that she didn't mention them sooner. Like she was hiding them...".
I can see just the scenario....
SHE: I am sorry for not telling you at first... I meant to but ... you're soooo important to me and I didn't want to... (tear up, dripping down her cheeks, sobbing uncontrollably...)
HE: Oh don't cry (softening up, regretting making her cry).... it just bothered me... that's all ! ....
SHE: I really like you a lot..... you mean so much to me.... (your paycheck & FICO score really...) ... I really want us to work..... I am so sorry for not telling you about the kids at first (start kissing his ears)
HE: (in heaven now, and really kicking himself for bringing this up)... I'd tell you what.... this is how I see we should go with from now on (a list of conditions...)
SHE: (sensing hope)... oh sure, honey (it's honey now)... whatever you said.. I'll do it ! I will be totally honest with you from now on ! (more reassuring kisses)
HE: (really soften up like a puppy now)... okay okay.. but you know that I am still angry with you ..... (barely able to catch his breath to mutter these words...)
SHE: (start to laying on thick)... I know honey... and again I am soooo sorry .... (more kisses)
They are many cases that are coming to light in which men who choose to become involved with women with children end up having to financially support them when the relationship ends. Just a heads up. If you're younger than 30, I'd advise to end it right away, in the long run this doesn't bod well.
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Thanks. This has nothing whatsoever to do with what the OP is asking though and is off topic. But congrats to you for raising a child.
