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I'm a pretty direct and forthright type of person. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. Sometimes I'm a little blunt, although I've toned that down. But I am not one who BS's people.
However, I've noticed some friends and acquaintainces aren't like that, and it has irked me. Yes, I know we're all different, etc., bla bla bla, but for some reason I don't like it when people resort to insinuation. Perhaps some cultures favor this kind of communication. But I certainly don't.
Let me give you guys a few examples.
1. I'm at a good friend's house (John) for a big party for his little son. Bob, somebody I was close to but now no longer hang out with or call (this is deliberate on my part. I won't get into why.), is there with his wife and kids. We cordially say hello. As we eat, he asks me, "Sprawling, do you now talk to Andrea?"
(Andrea is the sister-in-law of John's wife. To make a long story short, 4 years ago, I dated a close friend of Andrea; Andrea set us up. We broke up and it wasn't too pretty. Since then, as I've befriended John, I've run into Andrea and her husband. It was awkward at first, but now it's all past, and I've even been invited for kiddie birthday parties at Andrea's home.)
I looked at Bob with an obvious annoyance and said, "why would I not be on speaking terms with Andrea?"
Bob says, "well, you know..." and he raises his eyebrows in her direction; Andrea happened to be far away, in the kitchen.
I say, "know what? What do I know? What should I know that would keep Andrea and I from speaking to one another?"
Bob says, "ok, I guess you do talk to her."
I was miffed - and did not speak to Bob the rest of the evening. Now, I understand he may have thought that there may have been some awkwardness - and there had been. But if he really wanted to know, couldn't he have asked me in private, without others around within our earshot? And what the hell, the "you knows" just **** me off. Can't people just come out and say it?
2. John, the good friend from the story above, calls me on Tuesday as I'm arriving home exhausted from work. He wants to tell me that Samantha, a good friend of his wife and an acquaintance of mine whom we have hung out with before, is in town. I said, "ok, tell her I said hi."
John says, "that's it?"
I say, "um... what else should I do?"
John says, "Samantha will be upset."
I say, "Why? What do I owe her?"
John says, "Dude, Samantha is in town. Is that all?"
John kept insinuating, so I said, "just come out and say it. You want me to make her dinner? You want me to take her out? What is it?" John finally says they're going to take her out. I apologize but refuse, and then I tell him that I was extremely tired - I had fallen asleep at 2AM the previous night - and was in no shape to go out drinking in Manhattan when I had work the next morning (and this after I'd had an expensive weekend and have a potentially expensive date this weekend - I have to budget).
John says all right, and the call ends.
Perhaps I was a bit extra cranky because I had slept all the way home from work and had just woken up when John called.
Still, what is it with people who go by insinuation? As if I am the one who has the onus of figuring out what they mean?
I was always frustrated by peoples communication styles as a young adult. A lot of men tend to communication purely with body language and I have to "guess" and "mind read" what they are supposed to be conveying to me. When you ask questions? They give you one word answers or grunt. Highly frustrating.
Other people are cryptic and leave little hints or clues that absolutely drive me mad. I guess they are bullying me in a passive way, huh?
My favorite style of communicator are the ones that are direct, forthright, and let you say what you need to say, and they convey listening and understanding. There is not any manipulation involved because people are free to talk. That style is very rare
I was always frustrated by peoples communication styles as a young adult. A lot of men tend to communication purely with body language and I have to "guess" and "mind read" what they are supposed to be conveying to me.
Other people are cryptic and leave little hints or clues that absolutely drive me mad.
My favorite style of communicator are the ones that are direct, forthright, and let you say what you need to say, and they convey listening and understanding. That style is very rare
I'm not sure if you agree with this, but based on my experience, folks who are indirect and prefer hints/clues are often dishonest.
I absolutely agree with you. That's why it drives me mad or up a wall. They think they can do that unnoticed when it is actually very apparent that they are being misleading/dishonest/deceptive in some form.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner
I'm not sure if you agree with this, but based on my experience, folks who are indirect and prefer hints/clues are often dishonest.
I absolutely agree with you. That's why it drives me mad or up a wall. They think they can do that unnoticed when it is actually very apparent that they are being misleading/dishonest/deceptive in some form.
And they do it intentionally - because if you try to accuse them of dishonesty, and you give them examples, they will say "I never said that. I just hinted or implied or..."
or they remain silent and just stare you down or change the topic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner
And they do it intentionally - because if you try to accuse them of dishonesty, and you give them examples, they will say "I never said that. I just hinted or implied or..."
or they remain silent and just stare you down or change the topic.
John, while being a pretty good friend... I've learned to be a bit wary of him. he's not as honest or straightforward as I thought he was.
The same ex-girlfriend (Andrea's GF) I mentioned....
Late last year I went looking for a new church. When I told him the name of a church I had visited, he told me not to go there. When I asked him why, he said, "a lot of your enemies go there."
So I asked him who.
He named TWO people - Andrea's GF/my ex and Prix (Prix is a friend of John's whom I and many others dislike).
Turned out Andrea's GF had gone there a few times years ago, and in my few visits there, I never saw either Andrea's GF or Prix (though Prix does go there).
"A lot of your enemies." John has a knack for exaggeration.
I'm known as the diplomatic straight shooter in our group of friends. If you want an honest opinion, I'll give it. Albeit nicely.
I'm turning into a "diplomatic" type. I can still be blunt and on occasion will be that way, but if necessary. Because some people are just unable to hear the truth.
In the case of the first guy, I think he wanted to address it, but didn't want to get into specifics because there were other people around. What he asked could be, to others, just a general statement. "Yes" or "no" may have been enough. I get what you're saying though, he could have asked in private, but he may not have wanted to have an all out discussion about it either.
In the other instance, "So and so is in town." is the invitation or the unspoken initiation to do something with this gal. I still see your frustration, but unfortunately they don't have to accomodate you any more than you should have to accomodate them.
I do find that those who are "blunt" tend to offend and alienate more than more than they communicate. And they will likely encounter more people dancing around them to avoid said bluntness or disapproval. I don't mind someone who is straighforward, but I do mind insolence. You and I could probably get along all day long, others might be intimidated and/or frustrated.
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