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It seems your friend is very depressed.
I went through a stage where I discovered something horrific about someone I loved and I went out and cut my hair real short. It didn't help that I was in the middle of a crisis with a guy who thought he could wipe the floor with me. I wasn't going lesbian in any way, but I really didn't want any attention at that time. People laughed at me, but I didn't care, I just wanted to "disappear" for a while.
This sounds like a mission for Dr. Phil to resolve.
Like most men, he's now probably afraid to approach her! Women who get the short end of the stick in their dealings with men can be every guy's nightmare in the subsequent years.
They cannot accept that they picked the wrong man (or men) and not all men are like that. However, I am cynical enough to believe that they would do it again if they could. The notion that men who look good, are good is too deeply ingrained.
Their anger is really about their now limited options.
But now two painful divorces later the bloom has come off the rose. I could not believe it when I saw her last. It had been almost a year since her last divorce and she had changed big time. Gone were the flowing long locks replaced with a manish butch haircut. Gone also was the shapely figure, it was replaced with a boxy build and a mid section that looked like she was pregnant. She had gained almost 60 pounds. But it was her personality that had changed the most. Gone was the fun, flirty sexy girl I knew. It had been replaced by an angry manish figure that never smiled.
We asked her what was happening and her response was she had given up men and sex. And just gave up on all that beauty stuff. Is it permanent, who knows, is it sad, sure is. Bad marriages can kill a woman!
It takes two. What was her contribution to the dynamics? Only then can we see if she has a reason to be bitter and angry. I had a friend whose mother went from (seeing her wedding picture) a peaches and cream younger Irish lady (at about 25) to being a boxy lady with a plaid shirt and short hair (at about 65). Ok, so she had a bad marriage, why does one need to go down the tubes with it?
Sounds like she may have been raped and is shutting down sexually as a way to cope. Becoming less attractive may also make her feel safer. Ask her if anything has happened to her and see if she cringes and leaves quickly. If nothing has happened to her, her mostly likely reaction is a blank stare and a huh? Be tender, don't try to pry, just offer sincerely to be there for her. Does she watch entrances? And does sudden loud noises or movements startle her easily? I was raped. And for years I was content to not date. I also dressed not to draw attention and I kept my hair very short. I still sit in the corner booths at restaurants so no one can get behind me and close to the doors so I can get out quickly. My boyfriend was a long time becoming that. He had to persuade me twice daily for 5 1/2 months that he was okay and would be good for me. We've been together 2 1/2 years.
The background is complicated. The main thing is that I really was shut down and now I'm not. I care about how I look and what I wear. J has been my comfort and my cheering section. I dress up sexy for him because I feel sexy and safe with him.
Women (and men) do a lot of things to subconsciously and consciously take themselves out of the dating arena when they are badly hurt or rejected. For instance, a woman may gain weight after a breakup because that way she can tell herself she's not in shape enough to date or be asked out and avoid dating altogether this way. She can tell herself guys just don't like me because I'm fat and that actually hurts less than being in great shape and looking good and being rejected. Or a guy who's hurt can throw himself into his work to the extreme he's spending day and night working at a job to get ahead and then can rationalize why he's not out there meeting other people for potential relationships.
It sounds like your relative is depressed, angry, and wants to keep her guard up for now. She may just need some time to be alone to lick her internal wounds and this is her way of being left alone to do that. Eventually, she may change again to someone who is ready to take a chance again. I'd give her time and be kind and supportive and see if, eventually, she decides she wants more from life.
I also would like to add that when a woman is very beautiful and things keep going bad for her, she starts thinking that her "beauty" is someway responsible for her problems. She is getting negative attention because she is preety. Many women cannot handle that. Its is too stressful and so they give up the image.
Jane use to be so attractive. She was fun, conversational, engaging and sexy. Lots of men wanted her and few were successful. She was nice to everyone but only dated the best guys. She wanted the good life that a man with money and success could offer. She had a way of attracting the most handsome and successful men.
But now two painful divorces later the bloom has come off the rose. I could not believe it when I saw her last. It had been almost a year since her last divorce and she had changed big time. Gone were the flowing long locks replaced with a manish butch haircut. Gone also was the shapely figure, it was replaced with a boxy build and a mid section that looked like she was pregnant. She had gained almost 60 pounds. But it was her personality that had changed the most. Gone was the fun, flirty sexy girl I knew. It had been replaced by an angry manish figure that never smiled.
We asked her what was happening and her response was she had given up men and sex. And just gave up on all that beauty stuff. Is it permanent, who knows, is it sad, sure is. Bad marriages can kill a woman! Can you relate?
One problem in this society, is people have been led to idolize their romantic relationship and make it the center of their world, this is not what was meant for marriage even. This is one reason community in general is breaking down. Doesnt she have friends she cares about that she has to be totally ruined over a man? That is what I would point out to her. I am in troubled marriage, and even being disabled never gave up friends and outside interests. I dress well too even being broke.
One thing NEVER depend on ONE PERSON, it is not what marriage is supposed to be about. I think even our troubles came from being seperated from friends and community.
WT, as I've said before, you seem to know and be related to the most remarkable people. Among your relatives, you have 1) a 50-year-old virgin, 2) a "distant relative" who works with you, and about whom you gossip at the office (you also post about your difficult relationships with those coworkers), 3) twin 11-year-old boys whose mother wants to abandon but no one in your family cares enough to help, and 4) this lady.
Added to the fact that you post this kind of stuff almost every day and rarely revist your own threads, I'd say you either make this stuff up or have the position of being related to and working with a truly unusual bunch of people.
WT, as I've said before, you seem to know and be related to the most remarkable people. Among your relatives, you have 1) a 50-year-old virgin, 2) a "distant relative" who works with you, and about whom you gossip at the office (you also post about your difficult relationships with those coworkers), 3) twin 11-year-old boys whose mother wants to abandon but no one in your family cares enough to help, and 4) this lady.
Added to the fact that you post this kind of stuff almost every day and rarely revist your own threads, I'd say you either make this stuff up or have the position of being related to and working with a truly unusual bunch of people.
50 year old virgins are NOT that rare.
I have a friend now from college {she functions and has a job, but is "different"} who is 42 years old and a virgin.
My SIL too has never had boyfriend until this year, and she turned 41 years of age this year.
There are a lot of different people in the world. LOL
There are a lot of different people in the world. LOL
Of course there are. I just don't believe they are all related to the OP.
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