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True, but all of that is beyond the understanding of a child, let alone an adult with strong emotional ties to the parent that was cheated on.
And yes, let the husband see the bastard child as often as he wants to, but just not with my children present. No group ballgame visits with all the kids together like some weird unofficial polygamous family unit. And I see this situation as promoting a polygamous lifestyle.
Just wanted to agree. Kids don't need to deal with this crap. Nor do they need to see it treated as something to aspire to. Given the choice, I'd prefer my children never meet children concieved as a result of my husband's affair. There is nothing to be gained by meeting and everything to be lost.
Unfortunately, most likely they will meet because I'm kicking him to the curb and I doubt he'd coordinate visitation so that the children by each mother never met. I'd say it's his reputation he's ruined with them but it's the kids who would be hurt by the knowledge their father had an affair/was married to someone else when they concieved them. This would really stink for the kids.
The only reason to keep children apart is to spare your feelings you couldn't care less about your children or their feelings. The only reason you don't want them to know Daddy had an affair is because you have to acknowledge that your marriage failed. If the children don't know why the marraige failed, it isn't your fault. Do you know how many children grow up and resent the parent who alienated them from their father and his family?
Granted not every situation is perfect and not everyone will have the "Brady Bunch" feeling but why is that your choice? You just want to be the Mom on the pedestal. Newsflash: When the children grow-up the pedestal goes away, and in many instances crumbles. Why do you think so many children of divorce resent thier parents? They put the children in the divorce and the children unnecessarily lose their family.
No blood doesn't make family but it COULD be a start. But that's not your choice.
Just wanted to agree. Kids don't need to deal with this crap. Nor do they need to see it treated as something to aspire to. Given the choice, I'd prefer my children never meet children concieved as a result of my husband's affair. There is nothing to be gained by meeting and everything to be lost.
Unfortunately, most likely they will meet because I'm kicking him to the curb and I doubt he'd coordinate visitation so that the children by each mother never met. I'd say it's his reputation he's ruined with them but it's the kids who would be hurt by the knowledge their father had an affair/was married to someone else when they concieved them. This would really stink for the kids.
Kids really need to have BOTH of their parents up on a pedestal while growing up. Yes, parents are only human, and humans err. However, having strong respect for ones parents is what makes a child listen to their parents and behave. It's that child's desire to emulate and please their parents which makes for a well behaved child that turns into a well behaved mature adult.
I feel that a son of a cheating father will have a more difficult time not being a cheater himself later on in life. He'd see that cheating was a natural male weakness and that even his dad was not able to resist temptation. Just as if a son was aware that his mother was a cheater, he'd have lifelong distrust of a woman's love and loyalty.
And again, a daughter of a cheater is not going to trust men later on in life. Or she might pick men to date and marry that are like her father and who might cheat on her as she will be attracted to men with a personalty type like her father. (Just like women with abusive fathers tend to date abusive men when they grow up.) And if a daughter has a cheating mother, she's going to have a hard time being strong against temptations herself as an adult.
Parents help children develop their impulse control. But when one cheats and especially when there is no severe punishment or consequences afterwards, the lessons aren't learned.
The only reason to keep children apart is to spare your feelings you couldn't care less about your children or their feelings. The only reason you don't want them to know Daddy had an affair is because you have to acknowledge that your marriage failed. If the children don't know why the marraige failed, it isn't your fault. Do you know how many children grow up and resent the parent who alienated them from their father and his family?
Granted not every situation is perfect and not everyone will have the "Brady Bunch" feeling but why is that your choice? You just want to be the Mom on the pedestal. Newsflash: When the children grow-up the pedestal goes away, and in many instances crumbles. Why do you think so many children of divorce resent thier parents? They put the children in the divorce and the children unnecessarily lose their family.
There are two completely different situations going on here. Having an affair within a marriage is unacceptable. If a marriage has failed, get a divorce first. Ones children aren't going to be happy with their parents divorcing, but at least they are talk the proper framework for the formality of having a marriage before having kids.
And this attitude is part of why there are teen marriages and single mothers. A woman should NEVER ever contemplate having a child before becoming a wife. Not unless she is financially independent of the man and can raised the child all by herself.
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No blood doesn't make family but it COULD be a start. But that's not your choice.
No. But it would be MY choice as the mother of my children to decide what's best for them.
And... kid resent their parents all of the time for other reasons. Like disliking a curfew rule, not getting enough allowance, not being allowed to have Spring Break in Cancun. If a child doesn't resent their parents for any reason at all, then that parent is not doing a good job as a parent.
And it's my culture and the way I was raised by my parents created my moral standards, and no way is a bastard half sibling becoming part of MY family. I would not recognize my father's bastard child as my sibling. And if I had kids, I would feel the same way. And that's a good standard for all to live by. Peer pressure is part of what keeps everyone behaving well. Maybe the olden days of The Scarlet Letter was too severe, but today's society is out of control with morals that are too loose. We need to get back to somewhere in the middle. But my formula is very simple, marriage first, being financially stable, then having kids. No marriage, no kids.
I see they've been passing around the bong water again.
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Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
I don't think the statement was one of intollerance. More of a statement of known fact. Stating what is isn't putting down a ethnic group.
Well you and Miu are not doing much for your respective "peeps" from most of what you two have posted. And you agree with one another. Imagine that. LMAO.
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Originally Posted by MuscogeeButterfly
Started off, would you let your kid and OW's kid, get to know each other. WTH would you? It's not like, it was a previous relationship.
It may not have been a previous relationship, but all the denying in the world is not going to change the fact that they share the same father. Infidelity or not.
I'm ashamed to be in the same species with some of you. This is what I find so funny about those who speak of keeping them apart, hubby can have visitation but keep the bastard kids away.....you geniuses are working on the premise that this man has no balls and that he will put up with you treating his child like scum. You speak as if your respective husbands have no rights or say. Must be nice to be married to robots.
Would you permit anyone to treat your kids this way? Yeah, yeah, I can hear it now - "I wouldn't have a child with a married man. I have morals." Let me be the first to tell you that morals and Christ-like (for you hypocrites who go to church) do not come into play when you expose your kids to one poison over another. And this is just one example (aside from the other stuff I have read) of where you do.
If you want nothing to do with his child, leave him. But if he is any kind of man and maintains contact with your children, you will have no control over whether or not your kids will interact with his. I doubt any court in this country is going to back you. He is not going to be ordered to give up all his weekends to have his child one weekend and yours the next just to accomodate you. That child's rights will always override yours.
If you are willing to take this man back (MAN being the operative term), you had better be prepared to take him and all that goes with him. THAT is what marriage is about, isn't it? If he is willing to let a controlling b*tch run his child off, he deserves every bit of her. Your children are no less valuable or worthy than his. Your ego and internal decomposition does not override the well being of his child; nor does your marriage. You will come second to that child, no differently than you would with your own - that's IF he's any kind of father at all. Ideally, he'll kick you to the curb.
There are two completely different situations going on here. Having an affair within a marriage is unacceptable. If a marriage has failed, get a divorce first. Ones children aren't going to be happy with their parents divorcing, but at least they are talk the proper framework for the formality of having a marriage before having kids.
So, being married, divorced, happy, unhappy, ovulating, not ovulating, the full moon in line with Uranus or what the soup of the day is all determine whether or not his child deserves the same privileges as yours? WTF?
And this attitude is part of why there are teen marriages and single mothers. A woman should NEVER ever contemplate having a child before becoming a wife. Not unless she is financially independent of the man and can raised the child all by herself.
Which is it, Miu? NEVER or unless she can raise the child alone?
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But my formula is very simple, marriage first, being financially stable, then having kids. No marriage, no kids.
You don't even know what your formula is based on what I quoted above. No wonder you and Ivory see eye to eye, you can barely keep up with or back up what you pontificate. LOL.
I see they've been passing around the bong water again.
Well you and Miu are not doing much for your respective "peeps" from most of what you two have posted. And you agree with one another. Imagine that. LMAO.
It may not have been a previous relationship, but all the denying in the world is not going to change the fact that they share the same father. Infidelity or not.
I'm ashamed to be in the same species with some of you. This is what I find so funny about those who speak of keeping them apart, hubby can have visitation but keep the bastard kids away.....you geniuses are working on the premise that this man has no balls and that he will put up with you treating his child like scum. You speak as if your respective husbands have no rights or say. Must be nice to be married to robots.
Would you permit anyone to treat your kids this way? Yeah, yeah, I can hear it now - "I wouldn't have a child with a married man. I have morals." Let me be the first to tell you that morals and Christ-like (for you hypocrites who go to church) do not come into play when you expose your kids to one poison over another. And this is just one example (aside from the other stuff I have read) of where you do.
If you want nothing to do with his child, leave him. But if he is any kind of man and maintains contact with your children, you will have no control over whether or not your kids will interact with his. I doubt any court in this country is going to back you. He is not going to be ordered to give up all his weekends to have his child one weekend and yours the next just to accomodate you. That child's rights will always override yours.
If you are willing to take this man back (MAN being the operative term), you had better be prepared to take him and all that goes with him. THAT is what marriage is about, isn't it? If he is willing to let a controlling b*tch run his child off, he deserves every bit of her. Your children are no less valuable or worthy than his. Your ego and internal decomposition does not override the well being of his child; nor does your marriage. You will come second to that child, no differently than you would with your own - that's IF he's any kind of father at all. Ideally, he'll kick you to the curb.
I am NOT a christian. And I would NEVER have an affair with a man in a relationship, let alone a married man, let alone a married man with kids!!!!!
And obviously, he is NOT a real man if he is willing to cheat on his wife. Mature responsible adults keep their word. I always been an awful girlfriend in every relationship I've ever been in. Not one boyfriend has ever cheated on me. And my strong reactions are based on the fact that I would not stay in a failing marriage and the fact that I've never been cheated on, AND... my exdad and stepdad never cheated on my mother. I don't come from a family of cheaters. Cheating is NOT acceptable, no matter what celebrities or neighbors are doing it.
And the only controlling b*tch is sketchy low life woman that was willing to sleep with my husband, a married man with kids, and to have further audacity to get pregnant with his sperm.
There are plenty of single men out there, and she ought to be going after one of them, and not my husband. What kind of loser person has an affair with a married person with kids?? There's the real culprit. That woman is the one trying to hurt my family and kids and I won't stand for it. And their bastard child would be dead to me. And if I've been a good mother at all to my kids, their loyalties, respect and love will be with me, and not longing to know their half-sibling. They would object to their father trying to mix socially them with his bastard child. And if I were a child and in those circumstances, I would NOT want to be hanging out with some baby bastard child of my dad's.
Maybe you know people in this kind of soap opera circumstance, but I don't. I never have and I never will. Geesh!!
And one of the reasons I don't long for more family is because I have plenty of good friends that are like family to me. I am not lacking for people to love and trust in my life. And being blood doesn't automatically make a person trustworthy and worthy of my affection. Just look at how unhappy thebanker is with her mom and sister!!!
I am NOT a christian. And I would NEVER have an affair with a man in a relationship, let alone a married man, let alone a married man with kids!!!!!
If you're not a Christian then that comment wouldn't apply to you, would it? Doesn't change the morality issue. You wouldn't sleep with a married man, yay for you. But you would treat an innocent child like an outcast. All children have the right to the love and attention of both parents. To think otherwise is oppressive and IMMORAL. I don't care how you were raised.
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And obviously, he is NOT a real man if he is willing to cheat on his wife. Mature responsible adults keep their word.
He may not be a real man for cheating, but that doesn't mean YOU automatically decide on whether or not he sees his child or have the final word on your children with him. Your upbringing has no place there, dear. And a judge will tell you the same. This is, of course, if you plan to stay with him. If you wouldn't stay, then again, this wouldn't apply to you, would it?
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I always been an awful girlfriend in every relationship I've ever been in. Not one boyfriend has ever cheated on me. And my strong reactions are based on the fact that I would not stay in a failing marriage and the fact that I've never been cheated on
Your perceived elevation as a human being does not necessarily have anything to do with whether or not, or why a man will or won't cheat on you. Nor does it elevate you as a human being when they don't cheat.
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AND... my exdad and stepdad never cheated on my mother. I don't come from a family of cheaters. Cheating is NOT acceptable, no matter what celebrities or neighbors are doing it.
Good for you. Still has no bearing on you and your so-called morals.
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And the only controlling b*tch is sketchy low life woman that was willing to sleep with my husband, a married man with kids, and to have further audacity to get pregnant with his sperm.
She controlled him? LOL. That would mean he is not accountable and you should have no problem taking him back.
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There are plenty of single men out there, and she ought to be going after one of them, and not my husband. What kind of loser person has an affair with a married person with kids?? There's the real culprit. That woman is the one trying to hurt my family and kids and I won't stand for it.
You shouldn't stand for it. But no one made the wife the culprit in his cheating. She is the culprit in being a controlling b*tch when she is a controlling b*tch. Learn the difference.
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And their bastard child would be dead to me. And if I've been a good mother at all to my kids, their loyalties, respect and love will be with me, and not longing to know their half-sibling. They would object to their father trying to mix socially them with his bastard child. And if I were a child and in those circumstances, I would NOT want to be hanging out with some baby bastard child of my dad's.
LOL...funny thing, you wouldn't have a say as a child or as the wife who was cheated on.
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Maybe you know people in this kind of soap opera circumstance, but I don't. I never have and I never will. Geesh!!
I know all kinds of people from many backgrounds and positions in life. It is what keeps me grounded and accepting of people and the differences between us. I will tell you this; you could not hold a candle to any of them based on what I have read. Ever. You would be the bastard child among them. But at least you'll have company.
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And one of the reasons I don't long for more family is because I have plenty of good friends that are like family to me. I am not lacking for people to love and trust in my life.
Yay for you.
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And being blood doesn't automatically make a person trustworthy and worthy of my affection. Just look at how unhappy thebanker is with her mom and sister!!!
True, true. But it doesn't make them untrustworthy either. Doesn't matter though, because you are so much better than those would be bastard siblings.
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Just wanted to agree. Kids don't need to deal with this crap. Nor do they need to see it treated as something to aspire to. Given the choice, I'd prefer my children never meet children concieved as a result of my husband's affair. There is nothing to be gained by meeting and everything to be lost. 
