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I don't understand why my kid would want Joey's mom to come over, and I could simply say no in any case. But I am picturing older children and I think you are picturing very small children, and every situation will be different.
The idea that a mother should prevent an innocent child from knowing his father because the other mother might be young and hip is just ... sad.Hip? I couldn't bear to live with that kind of insecurity and jealousy, I really couldn't.
Um, OK, now I'm really confused. It's about a kid not knowing his father? I thought it was all about the kids of the marriage meeting the kid of the mistress?
Too complex for me, apparently. I like a simple life. But, yep, all of the married dudes I know who had affairs and other kids hooked up with much younger, more attractive women than wifey. Well, at least the foibles of the marrieds do provide the rest of us with a lot of entertainment!
The original question wasn't about having a family Christmas with the whole brood. It simply asked whether we would allow the children to know one another. I believe I would. I would have no control over the other woman's attitude about my children, and I imagine that many would react like Ivory or Miu. I wouldn't have a problem with my husband, for instance, taking his children to a ball game. I'm not going to deny a child his father.
I wouldn't have a problem with my husband spending time with his bastard child. But he would have to do that on his own and without the company of us (myself and our children).
1. I don't think that the "other woman" would want me with her child.
2. I can't imagine a situation of my husband taking our kids out to some activity without me. Why wouldn't I be at the ball game also along with my children and husband?
So if my husband wanted to take his bastard child to a ball game, of course he can do so, but without the company of his legitimate family (his wife and our children). And when he does, we can tell our kids that he's out with his buddies or on a short business trip.
And it's not punishing the bastard child. Plenty of people have done just fine growing up as an only child and not having any siblings. As for having other family, the bastard child will have all of his mother's family to be with.
Which brings to to another aspect of a situation such as this. I know that if my stepdad had cheated on my mother and had had a bastard child. No way in hell would the bastard child or his mother be accepted socially by my stepdad's family. They would not be welcome. Just the fact that they exist would be an extreme mark of shame for them. His family would not have condoned his adulterous behaviour and they would be very disapointed in his lack of morals. And any issue from that union would be shunned by them also.
I think it's interesting that mui refuses to comment about the influence children have on each other.
They don't have influence on each other if they never meet. The children never meeting would be the best possible outcome. So much is lost if they find out.
Family isn't about being related genetically. People here are putting way too much stock in genetics. Being related to the product of my father's affair isn't going to make me like them and knowing about the affair isn't going to help me respect my parents.
I wouldn't have a problem with my husband spending time with his bastard child. But he would have to do that on his own and without the company of us (myself and our children).
1. I don't think that the "other woman" would want me with her child.
2. I can't imagine a situation of my husband taking our kids out to some activity without me. Why wouldn't I be at the ball game also along with my children and husband?
So if my husband wanted to take his bastard child to a ball game, of course he can do so, but without the company of his legitimate family (his wife and our children). And when he does, we can tell our kids that he's out with his buddies or on a short business trip.
And it's not punishing the bastard child. Plenty of people have done just fine growing up as an only child and not having any siblings. As for having other family, the bastard child will have all of his mother's family to be with.
Which brings to to another aspect of a situation such as this. I know that if my stepdad had cheated on my mother and had had a bastard child. No way in hell would the bastard child or his mother be accepted socially by my stepdad's family. They would not be welcome. Just the fact that they exist would be an extreme mark of shame for them. His family would not have condoned his adulterous behaviour and they would be very disapointed in his lack of morals. And any issue from that union would be shunned by them also.
Again, I agree with you. Let each child have their family where they are without the soap opeara, if possible. I wouldn't go out of my way to make sure they met by any means. Too much has to be explained if they do. Things kids don't need to know.
My kids know their father was seeing someone else during our separation only because he was an idiot and told them (probably thinking they'd tell me, which they did). They did not need to know that. It served no purpose. They wouldn't need to know about a sibling that resulted from the affair either. In fact, I'd prefer not to know.
I think it's interesting that mui refuses to comment about the influence children have on each other.
Well, speaking as a child that was born well within a marriage, if my stepdad had cheated on my mom and had had a child... and I was told about the who situation, my childhood would have been negatively affected. Even to this day, I have great admiration for my stepfather. Had he been a cheater, I would not have ANY respect for him. As it is, he is a well-spoken, well-educated man, a complete gentleman (he never talked sleazy about women), and a hard working person.
And I feel very strongly that I would have hated to meet some child that was the product of my stepdad cheating on my mother. That child would be concrete proof that my stepdad was a cheat. And having a bastard child also implies that the illicit liason was much more than a one night stand, a single act of misjudgment. Getting a woman pregnant implies an extramarital affair of some length and duration. And if prior to the knowlege of that affair, if I felt that my parents had appeared happy to me, I would question the whole concept of marriage and loving one person for the rest of my life. And this affair would be proof that my own stepdad can't keep his sacred promises since he sullied his marital vows.
Consequently, I would want NOTHING at all to do with my bastard half-sibling. I would resent his or hers very existence. I feel that I would have absolutely nothing to gain by the knowledge or company of said half-sibling. A half sibling to me would mean competition for my own family (myself, full siblings and own mother) for my step dad's love, time and resources. Basically, I don't want my dad to love another woman and I don't want to see proof of his infidelity. I have zero desire to have more siblings, let alone some half-sibling that is probably going to be a lot younger than I am. And if I am made to babysit for some younger bastard half-sibling, I would be really really pissed off.
Let me point out that as a child, my favorite playmates were my best friends, the ones met at school that were my SAME age and shared my same interests. And with them, there was no sibling rivalries because we all had our own sets of parents. While I loved my sisters, I wasn't as close to them due to age differences and natural family dynamics of competing for my parent's time and affection, toys and dealing with chores around the house. Maybe twins get so close because they are the exact same age and they can relate so well with each other.
As to a bastard child wanted to know their legitimate half-siblings, I can't speak for their feelings. But from the point of someone that was raised within the sanctity of a happy marriage, I have no interest in finding out and accepting that my father was a low-life cheating man. And to this day, I have no respect for cheaters. I also have never had a man cheat on me. Being a cheater is not acceptable behaviour. There is just no good excuse for doing that. Not in my world.
Well, speaking as a child that was born well within a marriage, if my stepdad had cheated on my mom and had had a child... and I was told about the who situation, my childhood would have been negatively affected. Even to this day, I have great admiration for my stepfather. Had he been a cheater, I would not have ANY respect for him. As it is, he is a well-spoken, well-educated man, a complete gentleman (he never talked sleazy about women), and a hard working person.
And I feel very strongly that I would have hated to meet some child that was the product of my stepdad cheating on my mother. That child would be concrete proof that my stepdad was a cheat. And having a bastard child also implies that the illicit liason was much more than a one night stand, a single act of misjudgment. Getting a woman pregnant implies an extramarital affair of some length and duration. And if prior to the knowlege of that affair, if I felt that my parents had appeared happy to me, I would question the whole concept of marriage and loving one person for the rest of my life. And this affair would be proof that my own stepdad can't keep his sacred promises since he sullied his marital vows.
Consequently, I would want NOTHING at all to do with my bastard half-sibling. I would resent his or hers very existence. I feel that I would have absolutely nothing to gain by the knowledge or company of said half-sibling. A half sibling to me would mean competition for my own family (myself, full siblings and own mother) for my step dad's love, time and resources. Basically, I don't want my dad to love another woman and I don't want to see proof of his infidelity. I have zero desire to have more siblings, let alone some half-sibling that is probably going to be a lot younger than I am. And if I am made to babysit for some younger bastard half-sibling, I would be really really pissed off.
Let me point out that as a child, my favorite playmates were my best friends, the ones met at school that were my SAME age and shared my same interests. And with them, there was no sibling rivalries because we all had our own sets of parents. While I loved my sisters, I wasn't as close to them due to age differences and natural family dynamics of competing for my parent's time and affection, toys and dealing with chores around the house. Maybe twins get so close because they are the exact same age and they can relate so well with each other.
As to a bastard child wanted to know their legitimate half-siblings, I can't speak for their feelings. But from the point of someone that was raised within the sanctity of a happy marriage, I have no interest in finding out and accepting that my father was a low-life cheating man. And to this day, I have no respect for cheaters. I also have never had a man cheat on me. Being a cheater is not acceptable behaviour. There is just no good excuse for doing that. Not in my world.
Beeing born within a marriage & the introduction of step dad/ other men in your mother's life means the marriage was void & didnt last...
Also, how happy was this marriage if your mother was bedding your step father? WOW?!
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But, yep, all of the married dudes I know who had affairs and other kids hooked up with much younger, more attractive women than wifey. Well, at least the foibles of the marrieds do provide the rest of us with a lot of entertainment!
