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WOW.. How'd you know? yes his mom is a nurturer and caretaker by nature. I LOVE his mom, she babies all of us and she has bailed us out soooo many times I can't even count matter of fact if she'd let us fall on our face a long time ago I may have been at this point sooner than now.
his mom is the reason he is who he is...she conditioned him to be lazy, by being the type of mother who finds her soul purpose in waiting on her kids. That is why she mother's you all. She doesn't know any different...but what she did, was created a monster for the women who married him. I cannot stress how we are molded by our parents. But, he needs to realize he is wrong...and change, if not, he needs to marry a woman like his mother...which these days are hard to find. It's not that way any more and shouldn't be. He is co-dependent on someone to take care of him.
I was with someone almost exactly like that for about 9 long years. We had a child together, but in my defense, I was on birth control, which failed miserably. So, I thought that maybe we should try and work it out.
He was the same type of guy that you are with. Did not hold a job, (actually, during our time together he was employed for 5 straight years in a job he loved, he got fired for drinking on the job!) smoked, drank, did whatever drugs he could. Extremely dependent on his mother, she would even do his laundry when we were without a washer/dryer.
I finally got him out of my house in January 2008.
Fast forward to now.
Guess what, he's still unemployed, living with his parents and/or with his girlfriend. The man is 45 years old!
He thought the same thing about sex, I was with him, therefore, I should be 'happy and willing' to do whatever. The man disgusted me, and even when he tried I just couldn't do it.
He was verbally and mentally abusive. He was teaching my kids - his and mine from a previous marriage, to lie about his habits. (when I found out, that was absolutely the last straw!)
I know the next step would have been him allowing my kids to drink, smoke, whatever.
That is the path your child will be on if you stay with this guy.
And, you sound like a fairly intelligent person. You know that if this guy smokes weed, drives an un-insured car, etc...there is always the thought in the back of your head that you could get your son taken away because of what this man chooses to do.
In a loving, happy relationship - like the one I am in now - you are MORE THAN WILLING to be intimate with your partner. It is just a wonderful affirmation of your feelings towards each other.
Are you starting to have any behaviour problems with your son yet? If not, you will, because of what he is learning, by seeing what his dad does and seeing you guys fight.
You are more than welcome to send me a private message if you would like, and I can get into all sorts of detail/horror stories, etc, etc...along with messages of 'hope', that if you have the integrity and backbone to do what you KNOW you should do, it can get better.
I want to say that I wish you luck, but you and I know that's not it.
I wish you the nerve and ability to do what you know is the right thing to do for now.
Oh good God--YOU CHOSE THIS GUY!!! And now you punish him for it for being the very guy you said "I do" too? The situation you're in is nobody's fault but your own. You knew who he was when you got into it. You have no right to complain about it now.
Owe him sex? Why should he do anything for you when you're so determined to make him miserable for being the guy you chose? If you could "care less" about his needs, there's NO reason he should care about yours.
This guy does, indeed, sound like a loser.
But you chose him, YOU chose him! WHY!?!? You are no innocent victim here. You're reaping the "rewards" of YOUR choice.
I don't mean to be harsh, but it drives me nuts to hear women complain about their guy when they knew exactly what he was like getting into the relationship. If you really feel you deserve better, don't settle for this! Raise your son and stay away from another marriage. . . your son doesn't need any more chaos.
Oh, and don't get married again till you get over the notion that sex is a "duty" you "owe" a husband instead of the intimate pleasure, and special way to let him know you accept and desire him that it is.
If she stays she is a willing participant, yes. But bad judgment does not excuse his assness. And from what I read, he is the one who feels it is her duty to screw him.
OP, to address your original question, no , of course it is not your duty to have sex with him. If you are not in the mood, and he does nothing to relieve the stresses of everyday life, of course you are not relaxed and in the mood. This is not holding out, it seems to me to be common sense. How dare he expect you to be a good wife and "do your wifely duties" when he has every excuse in the book why he can't do any of his husbandly duties.
You can take care of yourself and your son , especially with your family as a support system and especially without him. I was recently in a similar (though not as dramatic) situation and I got out. Cost me less than $200 but I was lucky, do it yourself divorce where my ex agreed to everything. Still , you can do something similar (go to family court to get info on how to began divorce proceedings) and lean on your family, they love you, want you to be happy , and he is not makin gyou happy or you'd want to do it with him. The fact you do not says a lot to me as I was also totally turned off by my exs lack of responsiblility and excueses. No excuses, your H needs to be a man. And you need to be a woman and dump this looser- you will meet someone new. There are good men out there.
A leopard doesn't change its spots. This guy sounds like an abusive bully loser. You need to dump him, file for divorce, go stay with your parents until you can get back on your feet. You sound like you have a career you are trying to start--you don't need some moocher in the future taking all your hard earned money. Get a restraining order if you have to. He will probably end up living with his mama or some other poor sucker woman. If he is mean to his son, he probably (maybe) will never bother with him in the future-which is probably a good thing. Then you need to learn and study what the red flags are in the bad men and stay far far away from them. Learn and study the good traits of a really good man and try to find them. Stay away from the losers.
Leave your husband, take care of your son, and just stay the heck away from men until your son is old enough to leave your house.
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